Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The Fackin’ Patree-uts Are Fackin’ 16-0, You Fackin’ S—tbawxes!


You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?

And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.

(drinks lighter fluid)

Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!

My baby’s got sawce!

This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.

And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?


Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.

So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!

And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ’85. And ’96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!

32 comments:

Smello said...

"intellectualness"

hee hee

Just the welcome back to avoiding work that I needed. Thanks.

5150 said...

I'm about ready to throw away my Red Sox hat just because of these douchbags.

Nice article though, good times had by all.

Upstate Underdog said...

Tommie from Quinzee definitely owns a Wes Welker jersey.

Jay said...

"And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook."

I'm from Mass and laughing my ass off at that one.

Upstate Underdog said...

This post was wicked ah-some.

/Masshole-ified

The Dude said...

Big Daddy Drew is a fackin queeah!

But a brilliant fackin queeah!

Christmas Ape said...

It's nice of that girl to post what type of Hepatitis she has on her back like that.

Otto Man said...

So you're letting Robert guest-post now?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Exactly.

quiet strength said...

This post made me read Bill Simmons' latest column to see who was more obnoxious - him or Tommy. Instead, it was his wife on there. She seems even more horrible to live with than he must be. A truly compelling read. It made me call my wife three times to thank her for not being a vile and miserable person. I recommend it, especially to everyone else who's married.

the great bambi said...

i never knew joe damato was a patriots fan who went by the pseudonym Tommy from Quinzee

Grimey said...

That guy must like cold beverages

Crazy Little Thing said...

Watch out, Drew, the people of New England are going to break out statistics to show just how unracist they are. It's gonnah be wicked dull.

Upstate Underdog said...

Did all the Patriot fans stay home on election day the last time Massachusetts elected a new governor ?

Junker23 said...

I was away at school last election, lemme tell you I was PISSED when I found out who got elected.

smurphette said...

Tramp stamp? Might as well be a bullseye.

lanceoceanside said...

nothing gets chowder heads going like that annoying ass U2 song............elevation........ooooooohhhh.....oohhhhhh...oooohhhh. God somebody..... anybody... beat these clowns so we can talk about how they choked.

Anyone but the Pats in '08!

SlideShow Bob said...

Damn that was good.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

So how do I get a date with this fellow?

Lenn Sakatas Media Assassin said...

Transcripts for all of J-Bug's masturbatory transgressions can be found at The Sports Guy's World.

Mike said...

I'm with Jay on this one. I'm a Pats fan too and the fishhook comment had me laughing so hard.

Then X-Mas Ape's comment about what type of Hep she has did too.

Good show.

Barry said...

" NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS!"

Fucking classic. God I wish the red line would stop bringing people from quincy into the city.

miamidiesel said...

At the Giants game Saturday, there was a group of four Massholes about three rows back from us. They started singing some shit (probably Dave Matthews Band) when Manning threw that pick in the 4th, and me and about 10 other people shouted them down until they shut the fuck up, mostly because they feared they'd end up sleeping in the Hudson River. As it became more obvious the Giants weren't going to rally back, one of the four started up again. After he jawed with the guy behind me a bit, I yelled back "Hey Sully, get your fackin' ass back to Natick! Your gay wedding's only two days away!" The dude looked at me stunned, as if to say how did this random kid know I was from Natick. Now? I can add Tommy from Quinzee to Sully from Natick and mix it up accordingly the next time there's a congregation of Pats fans. Thanks, BDD.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

You can mix in Sean from Southie and Bobby from Everett too, diesel

Jon said...

Pardon me, we don't wear Lugz up here. Those are for the blacks.

a said...

That was brilliant (another former Boston resident). I liked the Sox, but your average Pats fan couldn't name the QB before Tom Brady.

John said...

This site has jumped the shark

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh no! I better quit!

Jim said...

MA has a black gov'nah because he was the Democratic nominee.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Are we sure this wasn't written by Ben Affleck?

pain-ther fan said...

I thought the "tramp stamps" were only for Nascar whores. Apparently, it's acceptable for any dumb whore.

P.S. live in Charlotte, see it all the time... nothings more disgusting than a big red #8 with 5 stretch marks going through it.

Tommy from Quinzee is a total douchebag, like all massholes.

Peter said...

fackin' awesome post, kid. I laughed so haaad that I fackin' pissed myself. It's been a fackin' while. Last time I pissed myself like that was back when I was twenty-fouahh