Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Game Time Decision: Hater's Guide To The Postseason

NFC No. 1 Seed: Dallas Cowboys (13-3)

Hello? Yes, this is Terr... [disguises voice] this is Dr. Arthur Honeycake, Mr. Owens' personal physician....yes, Mr. Owens has a sprain in his ankle and it's very bad...and I'm afraid he won't be able to play Sunday...well, we're not exactly sure how the sprain got in there...yes it's....OH WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN "YOU KNEW IT WAS ME?" Y'ALL DIDN'T KNOW SHIT. Fuckin shit, man. [Hangs up and dresses for practice]

Aaaahhhh! Oooh, oh, it hurts so much! Me so tender. I'm limping! Look at me limp! Hey, y'all come get some limp footage. Get that shit while it's hot. Aw, damn, I'm in so much pain! I can't practice on this thing, man. Shit, no. Ain't no damn way I can play on Sunday.

What's that? You want me to jog some? Sure, man, I can jog for days. Ooh, ooh. Little jolt there. Now, wait, that's not so bad. Wow, this ankle's starting to feel pretty good. Couple days of this and I'm gonna be alright. Yeah, man, come Sunday, my shit's gonna be good to go.

AAAHHAAHHHHH, FUCKING SHIT! I just stepped on a goddamn turtle! TRAINER! NEED ME A TRAINER RIGHT DAMN NOW! Man, who's letting turtles into practice, man? He from the gotdamn Morning Star or what the fuck. No no no don't touch it don't touch IT AAAAAHHHHHH OH SWEET FUCKER TO ALL HELL LISA LOPEZ!! MMMmmMpphh, shiiiiiitttt! That's it, man. I'm done. Ain't no way I can go against the Giants, man. Forget it.

What you doin? What, you taping that shit up? Wow, you're using a lot of tape on me there. I think I'm getting...wait...yes, I'm definitely getting a boost of self-esteem from all this attention. Wow, I feel the need to repay this organization in some way. Guess what, baby! I'm playing on Sunday! Getcha popcorn ready!

Game Day

[drops pass]

Aw, shit, man.

13 comments:

larry b said...

Don't blame him for the dropped pass. Romo was the one throwing up in the huddle.

Matt said...

Bullshit, blame him all you want. Try it, it's a lot of fun.

Well done MMP!

David said...

Is it not funny because its not funny or because I'm a cowboy fan? The turtle thing threw me off.

the great bambi said...

because you're a cowboys fan

Punch Rockgroin said...

My fantasy league is over, so unless they can guarantee beating the Patriots, fuck the Cowboys.

Fuck them right in the ear.

Jeff Hawkins said...

Dr. Arthur Honeycake has 25 million reasons why T.O. can't play

Smello said...

Yeah.

What Punch said.

Fuckers.

(To be clear, though, I'd still let Romo touch me inappropriately.)

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

I'm a Cowboys fan and I still thought it was funny. "OH WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN "YOU KNEW IT WAS ME?" Y'ALL DIDN'T KNOW SHIT. Fuckin shit, man." That's pretty much how imagine TO is in his personal life.

tHeCoNmAn said...

"Lisa Lopes" is my new go-to curse from now on.

Junker23 said...

I was following the whole time, right up until "Me so tender."

Sounds like something Hines Ward would say.

Magglio said...

Romo blows it in big games. This will have nothing to do with TO. That's the crazy thing about it.

Magglio

http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/

Jelly B. Good said...

TO just wants to create some drama...

He'll sit moaning on the sideline through the 1st half grasping at his ankle, the camera flashing to him after ever sack, ever big Giants play... the Cowboys go down 21 points...

The 'Boys come trudging back onto the field for the start of the 2nd half and just before the kick-off the stadium goes dark and a spotlight shines on TO... he's smiles his broadest smile, does a rousing rendition of Shipoopi that would make Peter Griffin and Tom Brady jealous, driving the crowd into a frenzy and confusing Eli Manning so much that he throws 20 interceptions in the 2nd half...

The Cowboys win by 50 and Jessica Simpson services TO on the sideline after the game while Tony Romo blows cool air on his nuts...

fade to black..

(or at least that's the way I see it happening)

Dubya said...

I just don't understand why a guy who loves to be the center of attention so much DOESN'T BRUSH HIS FUCKING TEETH.

I've seen bananas that were pearlier than that guy's chompers. Maybe he just needs a grill on his teef.