Sunday, January 20, 2008

Is There a Lesser of These Two Douches?


Well, who else can I root for?

What's this you're showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn't just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie's kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y'know: It's not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.

44 comments:

dlchambers said...

WAIT!
No [door flies open] ????
I feel cheated.

DCThrowback said...

I am late the party, but I think Marmalard is the greatest tag for a player ever. Just great stuff.

Digital Headbutt said...

In terms of rooting interest, I would err on the side of Volektricity.

Brady's a douchebag said...

As you decide on your douche(s) of choice, may I offer this humble suggestion. "Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy."

Laughing Week said...

I'm clearly biased, but I just can't imagine thinking Rivers is less of a dick than Brady. Brady doesn't taunt the crowd when his team scores the game winning drive without him, doesn't do any of the shit that Rivers does. If you're going to root for the Chargers, please root for Billy Volek, and not this ass clown

Crazy Little Thing said...

I'm torn: I want a Rivers-Manning Super Bowl with a final score of 6-3, but the prospect of Peter King slobbering over Brady-Favruh is pretty exciting. Jesus, what to root for?

bizzo5000 said...

I don't think I've ever been less excited about a championship weekend then I am now. Farve, Eli, Brady and Rivers? Bloody hell.

85 said...

Douche QBs aside, I would die to see the expression on Belichick's face when someone asked him how he was outcoached by the Dragonslayer. Go Bolts, go 'Lard.

Signal to Noise said...

I'm rooting for drunken Massholes to maim Marmalard when he taunts the crowd way too early.

Other than that, I'm having it both ways - Chargers cover, Pats win.

Uncle JR said...

Hmm, my personal favorite option is the "Hot poker run up my ass".

However, to each his own Hobson's choice.

Oddly enough, the word verification, nwayuu, is the same sound made after the hot poker is immediately inserted.

Dusty said...

Sweet jesus I hate Peter King..can't we shove a stick in his fucking eye instead?

I concur, Chargers cover but Pat's win. If not..I am broke and no cash to bet on the SB.

Otto Man said...

I'm just rooting for a whole lot of injuries.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I fuckin', I fuckin' tie to to a fuckin' bedpost wit' ya ass cheecks spread out and shit right, put a hanger on the fuckin' stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stick it in your ass slow like...sssssssssssssssssssssssst.

Much better than watching either one of these fucktards.

The Pirate Sloth said...

LONG LIVE THE VOLEKTRICITY!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I think this sums up my love/hate relationship with this post-season in a caucasian QB-centric list:

1. Billy Volek (the chosen one)
2. Tom Brady (Not tired of pregnancy jokes?)
3. Eli (Shine on you crazy diamond)
4. Brett Fav-ra (too tough to die to crazy to live)

larry b said...

Goooooooooooooo Chargers!

But not really, because they're assholes too!

OK, let me put it this way, don't goooooooooooo Patriots!

smurphette said...

I am cheering for the Bolts purely because a win for them means more norval the dragonslayer, marmalard, and volektricity posts. And the sweet, sweet schadenfreude of seeing the Pats go down like one of Silky's hoes.

Jared said...

All I got to say is this weekend I am routing for a Meteor.

Jim said...

sweet leg sweep by vrabel on the INT

dickey simpkins said...

Dan Marino should get bitch slapped for not keeping his phone on vibrate during a fucking halftime show. Also, I'm getting tired of teams helping the Pats out by not converting damn goal line situations.

smurphette said...

I want to see some Volektricity! Come on, Norval, get with the program.

Laughing Week said...

To be fair, we're not ALL sorry pathetic bitches. At least, I don't think we are...

Pale Writer said...

Woo! 19-0! 19-0! Fuck all you haters. I swallow Brady's mansperm.



(I thought it would take the wind out of those fucks' sails if I said it first.)

allie said...

yay!

that will be the extent of my post-game smack talk.

anyone else think LT looks kind of like darth vader with his visor on?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

My brother and I were guessing that, knowing he'd be out for the entirety of the second half, he just went and blazed in the locker room -- the visor was to cover up his red puffy eyes.

Or maybe he was crying.

smurphette said...

@futuremrs: I'm guessing it was the latter. Congrats on the win, and to allie, too. Unlike many of your fellow fans, you are gracious in victory, and it is appreciated.

JohnEDowney said...

Yay.

That said, I'd imagine that the bounty on Tom Brady's knees is going into triple digits soon, if only to avenge Ape.

The Schlub Hunter said...

Tom Brady ate my baby.

allie said...

thanks smurphette. I have to say, as much as I dislike indy as our rivals, they don't really give me many reasons to... unlike, say, the chargers.

man, it's so easy to hate the chargers. thank you for that, phillip rivers.

DeezeNutz said...

I'm sorry cocksucks, how was Brady ever a douche again?

DeezeNutz said...

Also, if you go to a Pats bar and route against the Pats, aren't YOU the douche?

Yes, yes you are.

Mayor McCheese said...

No, you're a douche if you write route instead of root AND you're a Pats fan.

Yes, you are.

Christmas Ape said...

At the Steelers bar I go to, we have fans of opposing teams show up all the time. We'll talk shit to them, sure. But not force them to leave because they're cheering against Pittsburgh.

DeezeNutz said...

If you spell a word rong ur a dooche? thaat shinks. Methinks Mayer Mcquess us a dooch.

Ape, what bar? Where you starting fights? Is the bar the douche or the fans? Because, typically. the other patrons do not have the authority to kick you out(unless you go to a Yankees' game, you you chant "asshole" at anyone, the fuzz will kick that person out.) Your story is full of unanswered yet interesting questions.

What town were you in?

DeezeNutz said...

Also, how many AFC championship games did you go to in said bar? Why would you go to that bar except to be a dick? Why, then, didn't you get hit instead of just shown out?

Christmas Ape said...

It was Murphy's in Alexandria, Va. I wasn't starting fights. Some girl yelled at me after I clapped following a Brady pick. I called her a bitch, she went running to the bar staff and they had me leave.

DeezeNutz said...

"I hate Patriots fans"

"I decided to go to a Pats bar for the most important game of the year, when there is only that game on, specifically to root against them. I can't believe that ended badly"

"For whatever reason, even though I hate Pats fans and i could've gone anywhere, I wanted to be surrounded by them while rooting against their team. Even though I spent 19 weeks trashing Pats fan, I wanted to be there. Also, I chose to go there. On purpose."

"Yeah, that's right, the Pats fans are the douches"

Christmas Ape said...

Like I said, Pats fans have shown up at the Steelers bar I go to for the same purpose. We'll talk shit to them, sure, we we don't make them leave.

DeezeNutz said...

Why. Did. You. Go. There. If. Not. To. Be. A. Dick?


So one girl, thats all it takes? I am disappointed Ape. Thats sad, really.

Christmas Ape said...

Sure, I went there for the express purpose of rooting against the Pats, which is in itself a pretty dick move. But as long as I'm not vocally carrying on and taunting people - I wasn't - clapping for the other team shouldn't be grounds for being thrown out.

Not an indictment against all Pats fans. Just a shitty bar. Some DC Pats fan e-mailed me saying he wasn't surprised I got thrown out of the bar, as it's crawling with douches, even for Pats fans.

larry b said...

Ape, think of it as a blessing in disguise.

1. You didn't have to be there when the game ended

2. Getting kicked out of a bar is almost always worth a pretty good story for months to come

3. If you ever own a bar, you can kick out whoever you want for whatever reason and just tell people "Hey, I don't make the rules. Murphy's does."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Agree on point #2 above... I consider getting kicked out of a bar for supporting the team you want to support a badge of honor. Like the time I got kicked out of a Yankees bar in NYC for throwing my beer on a guy when he told me he was going to "anal fist" my mother because I was wearing a Sox shirt. I'd do it again in a second.

Seriously, don't let some shit-talking rando on your blog get you down.

/also a shit-talking rando on your blog, but now with 30% more flavor

BeckEye said...

"At the Steelers bar I go to, we have fans of opposing teams show up all the time. We'll talk shit to them, sure. But not force them to leave because they're cheering against Pittsburgh."

Yeah - there's a Steelers bar in Brooklyn I've gone to a few times and the last time was for the Steelers/Pats game. Since it was a Steelers bar, obviously there were about 98% Steelers fans there, but about 5 guys and 1 broad wearing Pats jerseys were there being annoying, as they tend to be. They got some dirty looks, but none of the Steelers fans started any fights or attempted to have the douchebags thrown out, even when the game was clearly out of our hands and they started getting louder and more confrontational.

Even though the place is widely known as primarily a STEELERS BAR, anyone has the right to go there to root for or against whoever the hell they want. That's not a dick move. What's a dick move is going to that bar and talking shit to the losing team's fans when your team is the favorite and undefeated. It would be one thing if they were the underdogs and somehow rallied to kick our asses. Then I could see having an outburst of pride and wanting to give a big "fuck you" to everyone who doubted them. But when your team is the darling of the NFL and your QB was quite possibly made in a lab - you feel the need to point out the obvious to the losers' fans? In THEIR bar? I guess it's the bar's fault. They didn't have any of that famous humble pie on the menu.

wittyunpredictable said...

fuck off deezenutz.
go back to being a smug pats fan.
another touchdown...yes...mwah hah hah....we are soooo good. golf clap everyone. You make me sick.
If the Pats beat the Steelers next year I'm gonna get arrested. I can't take this shit anymore.