KSK Top Secret Super Bowl Scouting Report Bukkake: New England Patriots

It's Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Patriots:

“I don’t understand why more teams don’t try and deploy strobe lights to get Tedy Bruschi to seize up. Did you know strobe lights can cause stroke victims to relapse and foam at the mouth? I wish we had done that… The best way to limit Tom Brady’s effectiveness is to hit him early and often. Just kidding. You’re fucked no matter what you do… I once saw Kyle Brady eat a Scotty Terrier he ran over with his pickup. Apparently, he does that sort of thing quite often…

“The key to the Patriots’ passing game isn’t Randy Moss. It’s Wes Welker. If you stop Welker, you limit Brady’s options AND you take the Pats’ fans out of the game, because it’s very bittersweet for them when a black player catches the ball… Doesn’t Kevin Faulk remind you of Dallas Clark, the way he always gets first downs right when you think you’ve stopped them? Fucking Faulk… Matt Cassel was Matt Leinart’s backup in college, which also meant he got all his backup tail at parties. And if there’s any place that has great second tier pussy, it’s USC…

“Logan Mankins has a cabin in the woods where he keeps an arsenal and canned goods that can last 100 men 100 days. I think he plans on killing lots of illegal immigrants when he retires… A lot of people think a cover 2 scheme will frustrate Randy Moss. But you know what really frustrates him? A woman with a sassy mouth… I once saw Rodney Harrison help an old lady across the street, and then beat her to death with her own purse…

“Actually, all their defensive players are dirty. I once saw Vince Wilfork chew on a guy’s scrotum… And I saw Richard Seymour fart in a guy’s earhole. Then he stabbed the guy in the heart with a letter opener he kept in his sock. The guy died on the field… Brandon Meriweather says he plans to break all of Jerramy Stevens’ career raping records… Junior Seau went through a painful divorce recently. Football is all he has left. That’s why I suggest intentionally injuring him in the first quarter and watching with glee as he realizes his life is now an empty vessel… Mike Vrabel never learned to read at OSU and only responds to inquiries if they are put in football terminology. You can’t say, like, “Pass the milk” to him. You have to say “WHITE GALLON OUTPOUR!” if you want that shit…

“Larry Izzo makes supplemental income by letting rich men pee on him… I saw Ty Warren once eat an entire Armani suit… Adalius Thomas is their most versatile player, and not just one the field. He can cook, clean, paint, do woodwork, play the clarinet, and clean out his rectum with a pure apple cider vinegar enema, all in one day… Asante Samuel has a fondness for starting fires in closets… Bill Belichick has actually already scanned and memorized this scouting report.”

Thanks, Mr. scout man. Stay tuned for the Jints later in the week.