Tuesday, January 15, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Brady Contemplating Retirement


As you know, we are not a news site. We don’t even try to be one. Trying to break news in the blogosphere is like trying to be first in line at the DMV. Our job is to crack cheap dick jokes and concoct phony dialogues about how big of a tool Philip Rivers is. And Good Lord, is he ever a fucking tool.

But something came by our desk last night that we simply can’t ignore. And we got to it first! Nice!

I attended Michigan for a grand total of ONE semester back in the mid-90’s. but I stayed there long enough to become friends with a guy named Graham (not his real name) from San Mateo, California. If you know your Dreamboatology (and why wouldn’t you?), Graham hails from the exact same town as the one and only Tom Brady, and was friends with Brady in high school and all the way through college.

Now I had lost touch with Graham until a while back when he emailed KSK with a link, without actually knowing who I was. Reacquainted, we shared emails over the past year and had some back and forth about Brady. Graham, turns out, remained decent friends with Brady after college and through his rise to stardom. I always prodded him for info about Brady, but he never had much of anything interesting to report. He also became very good friends with Bridget Moynahan when she and Brady were a couple.

Now, here’s where it gets mildly somewhat more interesting.

I wish I could tell you Graham nailed Moynahan (whee!), but he didn’t. This is far more innocuous. Since Graham now resides in Los Angeles, and since he sees Moynahan on a far more regular basis than Brady because she too lives there, she gained “custody” of Graham as a friend after the breakup, and he fell out of contact with Brady, who has shrunk his number of close friends as he’s grown more famous, in an attempt to safeguard his privacy.

But, in a twist, as Graham has lost touch with Brady, he’s learned way about him as he’s become good buddies with Moynahan. And yesterday, he sent me an email that contained this pretty choice nugget.

Dude, Brady’s gonna retire. He told Bridget after the season was over he was definitely going to retire so he could help raise the kid. As it stands now, he’s pulled between football in Boston, New York where Gisele is, and LA where his kid is. So he said retiring from football would get rid of one of the drags on his time. And after the Pats go 19-0, he knows he’ll never top that. Only reason he’d stay around is to be the first QB to win five SB’s, but he doesn’t seem to care all that much. He’s the kind of guy that can live without the game.

Indeed. Who needs football when you have goats to milk and models to bang? Anyway, this whole bit of knowledge strikes me as horseshit, with Brady just making empty promises to his lady. It would be like me promising my wife I’ll never eat strawberry preserves straight out of the jar in front of our kid again. Oh sure, I mean it at the time. But do I follow through? Nah.

But Graham says Brady has been talking to friends about retiring for the better part of the season. I asked if Belichick was also going to retire, but he didn’t have an answer for that. I have no clue why Graham let me put this out there. But I’m not quibblin’. Nothing he's told me in the past about Brady has been incorrect, so I'm throwing it out there. It’s a KSK Exklusive!

So enjoy 19-0, Pats fans. You may be looking at the end of an era.

94 comments:

QWIJIBO said...

Brady is friends with Graham Greene?

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Preserves? Those are too healthy, I always assumed you were more the grape jelly type.

Article is an interesting change from the Marmalard chronicles.

Mike said...

Nice fiction, Drew. But fiction, for sure.

No guy worth his stones (and we all have to assume that any friend of Drew understands Guy Code) sides with his friend's lady after the breakup. You may want to, you may have pressure from your own woman to do so. You may know in your heart that your buddy is a jackass supremo and deserves every second of lonely, gut-flipping pain the split's gonna cause. But you don't align yourself with her.

But you don't. Doesn't work that way.

And, with that XY faux pas you left the hint that undid the sordid yarn (or something like that.)

Funny shit anyway, though. And I'll admit the Jet fan in me got momentarily excited. But as any Gang Green lover knows, good times are never just around the corner.

Fuck.

Big Daddy Drew said...

And there's one.

Shan said...

Should have went with a story about how Brady broke both of his hands. I would have been more excited, at least.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Wow! Seriously? Great scoop Drew! Say what you want about Brady, but the league and its fans will miss him a great deal!

/helping

SlickBomb said...

Hey, AKA Dipshit --

Does the tag: "You are an idiot if you believe this because I made it all up" mean anything to you?

Tom Holzerman said...

That last tag is the greatest tag ever.

quiet strength said...

I'm confused...something here just doesn't add up...

...

...

So you're allowed to eat strawberry preserves from the jar if the kid isn't around, but you aren't if she is around?

Gourmet Spud said...

It's not a lie...if you want to believe it.

85 said...

Well, it's not the same kind of fantasy I usually have, but my keyboard is sticky all the same. Nicely done, Large Father.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I am freaking out man.

Awful Chief said...

But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Jeff Hawkins said...

"the bigger the lie, the more they believe"- The Wire

ColeTrain said...

If Moynahan got me in a friendship "custody" battle with fucking Tom Brady, there is NO WAY I'm not banging her.

I'd show her I care about our hard won friendship by wrapping it up and not leaving any visible marks.

Jay said...

Since when did Jackie Harvey start writing guest posts on KSK?

Well done. So, Smuckers?

Upstate Underdog said...

still waiting for a comment from an angry Pats fan.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Ahh fuck you guys and ya darky friends. Tha Pats ah goin 19-0 so you guys can eat dick. Tom Brady is a fackin God amongst men.

Sincerely,

Angry Half Witted Patriots Fans

corbin deez said...

So what like, 8 months until Matt Cassell receives his first knee bounty?

Punt, Pass, Kick Pats girl could throw 50 TD's to Moss and Welker.

From the other side of town said...

Why can't Wes Welker just throw the ball to himself?

Upstate Underdog said...

thanks chris

Stitchface said...

I would love it if a major news outlet was dumb enough to run with this.

In this day and age, I could see it happening...

...EASILY.

Nice work, Drew.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ugh, thank god for that tag at the end. I was about to go research the proper methodology for performing seppuku. And I'm not even kidding. If the intent behind this post was to give a few idiot New England fans a coronary, consider your mission accomplished, sir -- I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

Quit playing games with my heart.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Billy Volek smells a star-fucking vacuum, and he's two games and one Marmalade knee blow-out away from filling it.

Simon said...

Boo to the cock tease...

Boooooo.

Can you run him over with a truck to make up for it?

Steven said...

He ain't going anywhere. Dude is rich enough to have his own jet to get around to NYC, LA and Boston so its not like he can't make it work. Besides, Giselle doesn't have too much of a career left in modeling anyway so if he does stick with her, she'll be shacking up with him in Boston anyway. he's going to be around long enough to establish himself as the greatest of all time.

Smello said...

He's just trying to be a good role model for Leinart.

Upstate Underdog said...

steven, please tell us you're joking.

Wormfather said...

@Jeff Hawkins

"This aint Aruba, bitch."

grungedave said...

Holy shit, it's April 1st already? Awesome... NFL draft in a couple weeks!

Awful Chief said...

Steven, I am a wealthy Nigerian oilman who is unable to access my account due to corrupt government officials in my country. If you could provide me with your account number, I will notify a trusted friend to contact you with instructions to get this money wired to your account and further instructions for getting 90% of the sum wired back to my account. The 10% compensation to you will be roughly one hundred thousand dollars. Thank you and god bless.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady Quinn Handjobs said...

I agree with Steven. With all he has going for him, why quit now?

It just doesn't make sense.

Pemulis said...

There's no way this can be true, right? Bdd, i think your friend was just yanking your proverbial chain, as it were. I mean, football season is only a few months a year, wouldnt that leave him like, more than half the year to rear his child? I'm just not sure i undterstand the logic behind the theory your friend presented you with. I mean sure, they go 19 - 0 and he cant ever top that really, but isnt there a still the drive to play, that love of the game itself? He just seems like he's having so much fun out there. I cant see him hanging it up so soon. But golly! What a scoop!

devang said...

@futuremrs

A Backstreet Boys reference, really? Shame on you for using it, and even more shame on me for knowing it.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The reference was clearly just for kitsch value... duh.

/pulls off "Millennium: The Tour" tshirt; furtively stashes under desk

/realizes is wearing an *NSYNC tshirt underneath

Crap!

Five Pound Bag said...

Whatta story! Peter King would give up sucking cock to break a story this big!


*no he wouldn't

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Also in the news today: Cowboy's Off. Coordinator missing, Owner Jerry Jones sought as "person of interest."

Carlos said...

i emailed this story to my college's radio station...


let's see

Guiness319 said...

tWWL's Featured Comment:

"No way this is true. Tom you're the MAN!!! You can't quit on us now!" -masshole5924

Comicbook Guy said...

@Upstate Underdog
Ain't no angry Pats Fans anymore..... We are just laughing.

BDD, you should be ashamed of yourself for this post, I spit all over my monotor when I saw it.

August West said...

so what are we up to here... 5?

Matt said...

@futuremrs

Wearing shirts to work now? What happened to jerseys and/or fishnets?

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

she'll be shacking up with him in Boston anyway.


why? did she lose a bet? is he mad at her?

August West said...

whoops, lets call it 6: ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting this and saying it's his scoop.

Upstate Underdog said...

@comicbook guy, I prefer to remember the Pats fans of the late 80's-early 90's. They were angry and had every right to be.

5150 said...

Does Tom know he has a kid?

twoeightnine said...

I believed it until you mentioned the goat. The truth is he's got goats to bang and models to milk. Lactating titties are sweeeeet.

Guiness319 said...

Good, so they'll spend ten minutes discussing it on around the horn, just before PTI drills it down a little more, followed by the recap on sports center... in case you were still wondering the non-story story

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I got a promotion, Matt.

John Cocktosten said...

U r just a Brady hata fags and cant stand that he is the best QB EVEER u wish u could bang goats KSK hates all pats fans because PATS 17-0 are wicked best team in NFL history go back to sucking eachothers cocks DREW BRADY would never quit bc he's no quitter and PATS 17-=0 UNDEFEATED SUPERBVOWL CHAMPS!!!!11!!1!!!11!!!!1!

Jelly B. Good said...

Good job tweaking the Masses... all you need now is for Mike Reiss to re-post it and then its fact and all the losers (like me) in New England that sit at their computers reading Patriots news all day will kill themselves...

I hate you drew... you're just trying to ruin my wintahh!

I must now go and kill myself in a mad fit of auto-erotic asphyxiation while staring at that picture of Tommy...

Dig me up for the Supah Bowl if this is all just a big joke.

Carlos said...

learn

to

spell


please?

smeos said...

I wonder if Tom Brady ever calls Matt Cassel at like 2 AM on a Saturday and tells him he's hurt and he's actually gonna get to play. Then when Matt shows up all jacked to go, Tom just pops out and shatters his dreams and licks up the tiny, delicious tears.

I would totally do that if I were in his shoes.

John Cocktosten said...

@Carlos

Channeling my inner Pats fan. It's quite liberating!

Jelly B. Good said...

BTW, a dry chardonnay goes nicely with a well-aged jar of orange marmalade... of course accompanied by a rather large serving of New England's own cum-soaked fruitcake.

The Pirate Sloth said...

So BDD... does this mean that you aren't allowed to drink milk out of the carton too? Because I hate that rule in my kitchen.

Same thing with drinking from the Hershey's choc syrup bottle. And whip cream from the can.

All you're doing is teaching the kid some important survival skills. Can't Mrs. Drew see that?

Pemulis said...

I drink my milk right out of the goat

DeezeNutz said...

I really hope ESPN takes takes this and runs with it.

Will they acknowledge the Gay Mafia if they do?

Corey said...

PANTSHITUHS!!!!!!

Otto Man said...

You all can mock Mike and Stephen all you want, but, remember, they were smart enough to buy all that volcano insurance.

DeezeNutz said...

Well, they spent all that money on handsome creame, and after all, we are due for a volcano attack.

Leaking Geek said...

Can't we go back to the days when Lil Tawmmy Brady is being violently anally raped in the break room at his lousy job and all Massholes have to talk about is how pathetic the Sox and Celtics are and how Mystic River completely stretches the bounds of disbelief?

How has everything gone so horribly wrong?

Also, nothing beats Fluffernutter straight from the container...

Gern said...

You are freaking out.....man.

Upstate Underdog said...

coffee milk syrup out of the bottle is my personal favorite.

Carlos said...

@gern

license and registration, chickenfucker

Andrew said...

Mike and Mike are reporting this as an exclusive.

/shits pants

Phony Gwynn said...

I'll take a jar of Nutella and a spoon, thanks.

gcw said...

No, Peter King would not give up sucking cock to break a story this big!


But he might give up Starbucks.


For a week.

Leaking Geek said...

I drink my milk right out of the goat

@Pemulis: Do you realize that goat is MALE?!?!?!

Guiness319 said...

@andrew

Please tell me your kidding. I mean it doesn't surprise me at all, but even making up stories out of whole cloth has to have its limits.

Right?

Pemulis said...

@ geek:


yes. yes i do.

quiet strength said...

I've found it linked to and posted as "OMG! KSK said ____!!1! Can it be true??" four times on Google. Looking forward for that count to be going up.

DeezeNutz said...

whoa, look out for these guys

Carlos said...

@ leaking geek

you sir, win the internetz. congratulations

quiet strength said...

Most comically at http://east-coast-bias.blogspot.com/

Leaking Geek said...

@Carlos:

I would like to thank God, My Family, The NFL, Tim Burners Lee, Al Gore...

Zeitgeist Break said...

So....if this all actually comes true and Brady holds a press conference where he says all of this verbatim....does that make Drew like, the new David Blaine or something?

Guiness319 said...

Either way, Reggie Nelson is not impressed

clueheywood said...

Tom Brady's pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking. And he plans on finding out what that is.

twoeightnine said...

Big Daddy Drew is a dweeb!

I think he has cooties too!

Mike said...

http://www.coldhardfootballfacts.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=6552

I just had to rat out my fellow posters for being retarded.

T Dizzle said...

If I had to choose not women or getting my ass kicked every week I think I'd choose the women

Gern said...

I just lost a bet. To myself.

ben said...

This is simultaneously the least funny and most funny post you have ever done, BDD.

Gern said...

Hey did whatsisname get at you yesterday. Who? Deeeeeznutzzzzzz!

DC said...

Tom Brady retiring after this season would be crazier than when Barry Sanders did, but more understandable. Then again pretty much anything anyone ever did is more understandable than Barry's retirement...

Hewerman said...

DC:

Losing your love for the game because you lose all the time but not having the heart to leave your team for somewhere else doesn't make sense?

Vanilla said...

The comments on the Bar Stool Sports parody of this are fantastic.

It's like trying to explain how to program the VCR to the cows.

"Bo" Big Red said...

I remember when i had my first beer. The only difference is I didn't post on the Internet that same night.

portauthority said...

You meant to say this bit of knowledge strikes you as bullshit.
How do so many people get confused on horseshit/bullshit.
Something you don't believe or you disagree with is BULLSHIT.
Something of poor quality is HORSESHIT.

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