Did you ever wonder to yourself, “Man, the Pro Bowl sure is useless. I wonder if there’s something even more useless out there.”
Well, you’re in luck. Because today is the Iowa caucus. Yes, the Iowa caucus. It’s like a PTA meeting, only with politics! Lest you thought the Iowa caucus was some kind of statewide tailbone, I’m here to enlighten you as to just how the process works:
1. People gather in a room
2. Cheese danishes are shared
3. Chris Matthews stands by breathlessly and watches, while simultaneously masturbating using own brow sweat
And there you go. To call it meaningless is to insult other meaningless things, like Harry Knowles’ life, or the lyrics to a Sting song. Yet this shit gets covered like a Ritz cracker on Planet Unicorn. Well, here’s what I have to say to you, Iowa caucus: Fuck you. Fuck your counties. Fuck your arcane process. And fuck corn.
Your Measts of the Week are Trent Cole of the Eagles and Jared Allen of the Chiefs.
These are retroactive meast awards. I’m not even sure how both men played on Sunday. All I know is that, outside of Pat Williams, these were the two best defensive players I saw all season long. So there you go. Enjoy your award, men. It’s certainly got more meaning than what some dry-crotched schoolmarm in Des Moines thinks.