The 2007 KSK All-Meast Team

It's been over two weeks since the official end of the season, and we at KSK are already in withdrawal from the loss of the NFL's weekly dosage of hot measty action. As a way to stave off delirium tremens, we looked back on the 2007 season and came up with your official first-ever All-Meast Team.

Now, coming up with an All-Meast Team is no cakewalk. The six of us can barely contain our contempt for each other on a good day, so you can imagine the electronic slapfights that ensued when we brought our homeristic tendencies to a free-for-all squabble. After a lot of tears and one anonymous ballot voting for every player on the Redskins, we came to an agreement on the following guidelines.*

*I decided these would be the guidelines when I chose to write up the post.

1. We're not limited by the number of players on the field at one time, as with All-Pro or Pro Bowl selections. Only two defensive ends? Fuck that. Everyone who deserves to be on the team will get on the team.
2. All-Meast selections must be an acceptable combination of meastiness and character-driven qualities that make the player a person of interest at KSK.
3. This team is a list of players who embody a made-up word, as judged by six people far too lazy to make something of themselves. As such, anyone who takes this seriously enough to argue about the exclusion of a player will be punched in the testicles.

OFFENSE

QB: None. Quarterbacks are gay. Purple Jesus can take snaps from the Wing-T.
RB: Adrian Peterson, Vikings -- There's been a Purple Jesus backlash from people who insist his nickname is "All Day." Fuck those people. A nickname is whatever sticks.
RB: Brandon Jacbos, Giants -- It' not so much a vote FOR Jacobs as it is a "fuck you" to Tiki Barber.
RB: Laurence Maroney, Patriots -- Despite our anti-Pats bias, we had to give it up for Kool-Aid, the man who gave us construda and begul-shitting.

FB: Eh, whatever. If we could combine Lorenzo Neal's meastiness with Madison Hedgecock's name, that would be KSK's ideal fullback.
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals -- Still in search of crackers.
WR: Hines Ward, Steelers -- Stirr Chlistmas Ape numbah one leceivel.
TE: Chris Cooley, Redskins -- Read this.
TE: Jason Witten, Cowboys -- Admitted to All-Meast Team only if he plays sans helmet.
TE: Kevin Everett, Bills -- Kind of a dick move by Sean Taylor to get killed when we'd already named the weekly Meast award after Everett.
OL: Joe Thomas, Steve Hutchinson, Andre Gurode, Logan Mankins, and a right tackle of your choosing. We don't really care all that much.

DEFENSE

DE: Osi Umenyiora, Giants -- Turned on by defecating on women? Welcome to the All-Meast Team.
DE: Jared Allen, Chiefs -- Credited his mullet for success.
DE: Patrick Kerney, Seahawks -- He wears that tight skull cap that only black people should wear. I won't even wear a loose-fitting white t-shirt outside.
DE: Aaron Kampman, Packers -- Another white guy? What the hell?
DT: Albert Haynesworth, Titans -- Last year: Booo! Hiss! This year: The Titans are nothing without him.
DT: Pat Williams, Vikings -- Teammate and fellow dominant interior lineman Kevin Williams missed the cut after not carrying a gun following Sean Taylor's death.
LB: Brian Urlacher, Bears -- Still pretty good; also, apologetic.
LB: Julian Peterson, Seahawks -- Single-handedly making the name "Julian" ten percent less gay.
LB: James Harrison, Steelers -- Similar to Joey Porter, but less of a piece of shit as a human being.
CB: Pacman Jones, Titans -- Pacman is the only selection to this year's team who was a big enough badass to get suspended for the entire year. Let's see YOU do that, Terrell Owens. No, seriously: we could really use a year off from you.
CB: Fred Smoot, Redskins -- Oh, he's a fucking terrible cornerback, all right. But when was the last time YOU enjoined two strippers with the same dildo?
CB: Antonio Cromartie, Chargers -- We felt like at least one of the cornerbacks should have made at least one good play during the season. Cro-Mart made a bunch.
S: Reggie Nelson, Jaguars -- Reggie thinks this is an okay post, but it ain't all that.
S: Sean Taylor, Redskins -- Mike Wilbon totally foresaw his selection.

SPECIAL TEAMS

None. Special teams are gay. That's right: even YOU, Devin Hester.

Sean Taylor Memorial Measts of the Week -- Conference Championships

I'll admit that I'm a late adapter in personal technology, but I'm always bemused with the way new developments in home video are advertised. I was watching the DVD of Eagle vs. Shark earlier and the menu is preceded by one of those ads for Blu-ray or HD DVD discs in which they try to show you how super crisp the picture could be if only your broke ass went out and plunked down some cash on a new gadget.

But how the fuck is my dated DVD player supposed to illustrate that? If anything, I'm thinking "Hey, that looks remarkably similar to the picture my DVD has. The fuck needs this Blu-ray shit?" We already went through this once with the videotape-to-DVD transition. I remember, beginning around '98, every movie would come accompanied some annoying intro that began, "Dee. Vee. Dee. Welcome to the future in home entertainment." Then they'd show a bunch of clips of classic movies, as though the picture had somehow improved. That's probably why I waited until last week to get one.

The same thing applies with HDTV. Stop showing footage of supposedly enhanced video on my television, only accompanied by sweeping audio whooshes that are supposed to trick me into thinking it's different.

Anyway, the remainder of this post is in KSK HD (wwwhhhhooooosssshhhh), so the typos and bad jokes will be all the more glaring.

Your NFC co-Meast is Plaxico Burress, who pretty much made Packers' corner Al Harris his simpering mange-infested bitch to the tone of 11 catches for 151 yards, despite Harris having to resort to tackling Plax in coverage and flashing his dong as a feeble attempt at establishing dominance.

Much is being made of Eli Manning's arrival as something above a self-immolating squash player moonlighting as a quarterback, but, to this Steelers fan, seeing Burress having a big game when it counts is no less mindblowing (or rankling).

Your AFC co-Meast is Philip Rivers, who - whether you think he was helping his team or not - played through an entire playoff game without an ACL (pfft -- Hines Ward does that all the time) in his right knee.

Deprived as well of a healthy Antonio Gates, Rivers struggled in the redzone but still nearly pulled off the upset. Meanwhile, pussyfooting, three-pick-throwing Tom Brady had his Australian booting shoe on after a pumice foot scrub gone awry. Perhaps it was his first foray into foot binding. How else will he fit into the new spring fashions?

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Divisional Round

Earlier this week, we had a bit of fun with our Tom Brady retirement hoax. It really, really pissed some people off on the ol’ message boards. Here are two fine examples:

This is just another Pats hater wanting to see the end of our success.

How big of a fuckin dweeb is big daddy drew? He writes angry. I bet he got head slapped in high school by guys that actually got real pussy. He's still bitter. Also; I think it's awesome when KSK plays at the Deadspin controls all weekend and links themselves.

Oh yeah. That’s-a good hatin’. But you know, there’s no reason YOU can’t get in on the fun as well. Lots of people like to wait until April 1st to spring a practical joke. Well, that’s just dumb. Everyone KNOWS it’s coming then. No, no. Far better to just do it out of the fucking blue. I’ll give you an example from about five years ago. One day, apropos of nothing, I dialed up my friend Jeremy at work.

Jeremy: Hello?

Me: Hey.

Jeremy: Hey.

Me: Dude, did you know Joe Montana died?

Jeremy: He did? When?

Me: Just saw it on the news now. Dropped dead of a heart attack. So sad.

Jeremy: Jesus, that sucks. I don't see it on cnn.com.

Me: Eh, probably just breaking on TV. I'm sure it'll be online soon. Anyway, gotta go. Just wondering if you had heard.

Jeremy: Okay, bye.

Jeremy then told everyone in his office the news. My phone rang ten minutes later.

Me: Hello?

Jeremy: Dude, why are you such a fucking asshole?

You see how that works? It helps if your friend is incredibly gullible, as Jeremy is. The secret is to make sure it’s not someone obvious who died. Like Britney Spears. That wouldn’t work. But Dennis Miller? Oh yeah.

So go forth and piss someone off today, you merry pranksters, you.

Your Meast of the Week is Atari Bigby Ryan Grant of the Packers.


Atari hits people really hard, and I like that. Grant ran for 201 yards and scored three touchdowns. Very measty. Did you know he died yesterday? It’s true!

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Wild Card Round

It’s firing season in the NFL, and I’m disappointed to see that only FOUR coaches thus far have been fired, or resigned, or left their earthly bodies to rise up to heaven and toss lightning bolts at gays, as Joe Gibbs has. “Oh thank you, Coach Gibbs! For all you’ve done for Washington!” Pfft. Whatever. That guy’s a fucking dork.

This is unacceptable. We need to see more coaches fired. I know personally, there’s nothing more exciting than when a coach is fired. Yeah, I know this is a man with a family losing his job, but whatever. It gives me a solid day of chatter, and that’s all I care about. Why did he get fired? Was it because he sucked, or did people just hate his fucking guts? Did players start to tune him out? Did he refuse to fire that one shit QB coach? Did he think he was coming back only to be completely blindsided? I love it when that happens.

Then there’s all the speculation of who gets to replace the asshole who got canned. Pete Carroll? Really? Isn’t he just a male cheerleader with a headset? Bob Stoops? Fuck that. He’d never leave. Or would he? Oooh! Oooh! What about Jimmy Johnson? Can anyone get him off his fucking boat? I hear Jason Garrett is a hot name, and not just because of his fiery red hair! MARTYBALL COULD BE BACK!

You see? Coaching changes are crazy fun. Except for the coach. And his assistants. But fuck them. If they didn’t want to get fired, they shouldn’t have sucked so bad. If I owned a team, I’d fire my coach every year. Just to keep things intriguing. Can’t have things get stale.

Every year, towards the end of the season, I run down all the teams and try and figure out just which coaches could be potentially fired. Then I root for ALL of them to go down. It never happens, but come on, owners. There are plenty of shit coaches out there you can still send to the dole. Rod Marinelli? Really? He gets to keep his job? He blows. And so does Shanahan. And Childress. And Marvin Lewis! Holy shit, I wouldn’t hire Marvin Lewis to park my fucking car! FIRE THEM ALL! It really fills the week nicely!

Anyway, your Meast of the Wild Card round is Maurice Jones-Drew.


Two TD’s in a road win over the Steelers will get you that title. Call him mini-meast.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Week 17

Did you ever wonder to yourself, “Man, the Pro Bowl sure is useless. I wonder if there’s something even more useless out there.”

Well, you’re in luck. Because today is the Iowa caucus. Yes, the Iowa caucus. It’s like a PTA meeting, only with politics! Lest you thought the Iowa caucus was some kind of statewide tailbone, I’m here to enlighten you as to just how the process works:

1. People gather in a room
2. Cheese danishes are shared
3. Chris Matthews stands by breathlessly and watches, while simultaneously masturbating using own brow sweat

And there you go. To call it meaningless is to insult other meaningless things, like Harry Knowles’ life, or the lyrics to a Sting song. Yet this shit gets covered like a Ritz cracker on Planet Unicorn. Well, here’s what I have to say to you, Iowa caucus: Fuck you. Fuck your counties. Fuck your arcane process. And fuck corn.

Your Measts of the Week are Trent Cole of the Eagles and Jared Allen of the Chiefs.



These are retroactive meast awards. I’m not even sure how both men played on Sunday. All I know is that, outside of Pat Williams, these were the two best defensive players I saw all season long. So there you go. Enjoy your award, men. It’s certainly got more meaning than what some dry-crotched schoolmarm in Des Moines thinks.

Every Song's Her Favorite Song and Mics Don't Feedback/ All the Reviewers Say, "You Need to Go See That."

I don't know shit about music, so self-indulgent and recherche year-end lists only give me a host of things to download and inevitably become disappointed by. Don't feed me that LCD Soundsystem bullshit. I got duped by the fawning praise accompanying their first album and fucking hated it. Drew and Ufford loved them some The Hold Steady last year and I could never get into it.

Movies are another matter entirely for me. I glory in compiling ten best lists and breathlessly debating them with my friends. I worked as a film critic for my college paper, which was fantastic. I never had to go to the newsroom, except to swipe screening passes and I saw everything those two years.

The frustrating aspect of film lists is that you maybe get three or four potential good-to-great films before October. So everything is packed into a three month period when movies are battling with football for weekend free time.

I've painstakingly, despite not seeing all the movies I've wanted to see this year, narrowed down my list. Here goes:

1. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2. Juno
3. No End in Sight
4. American Gangster
5. No Country for Old Men
6. Ratatouille
7. Breach
8. Zodiac
9. The King of Kong
10. Knocked Up

Honorable mentions: Superbad, 300, Eastern Promises and Darjeeling Limited.

Commenters would like to add that 3:10 to Yuma, Gone Baby Gone and Once - none of which I saw - are worthy of inclusion.

I'm trying to save room for There Will Be Blood. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am in the comments. At least Drew isn't around. If you ever meet him, let him know how much you love the movie Brick.

Anyway, your Meast is Ben Roethlisberger, partially because I'm doing all the posts this week and I can pick anyone I damn well choose and also because he put up his NFL record-tying third career game with a perfect rating against the Rams, which was also his second this season. All that, despite the fact that he's the most frequently sacked QB in the league this year and his offensive line is composed of gauze and Alan Faneca. He may even get an MVP vote. Huzzah!

Bill Simmons likes to harp about Roethlisberger being referred to only as "Ben" by the announcers, because Simmons' mind has been eaten away by feline AIDS and being penetrated in the ear by J-Bug. Perhaps this grating-only-to-Simmons phenomenon has to do with the announcers not wanting to slow down the flow of the game calling by having to pronounce his four syllable last name in every sentence.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the WeekOh, Christmas Tree!

When I agreed to write this week's Meast post, I did so for one reason... to have a flimsy excuse to post the picture you see below. Veteran KSK readers may recall that this is the Rex Grossman-inspired bethonged Christmas tree that esteemed commenter Michigan Becky sent to us last year. As you can plainly see, Michigan Becky rocks the party. If you can decorate a tree anywhere close to this cool, we would love to see it.

Click picture for a better view. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Despite the fact that he is averaging over five yards a carry and is about to become the 17th leading rusher in league history, Fred Taylor was once again blue-balled by Pro Bowl voters. But now that Fast Cast Willie Parker is on the shelf with a broken leg, Taylor, as first alternate, will finally be making a trip to Honolulu. Fred's name used to be synonymous with season-ending injuries-- but this season he has been giving the big up-yours to all the simps like me that threw away first-round fantasy picks on Mojo Drew. Now, to top it all off, he is your Meast of the Week. Y'all give Fred some love.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

We're going to be posting less frequently next week, but if you've been good boys and girls this weekend you might get a bourbon-fueled diatribe or two in your stocking. Ho fucking ho, baby.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week -- Happy Holidays to our Readers

I had this "Christ, I hate Christmas shopping" rant cooking for this week's Meast, but it kept stalling right around the time I argued that I shouldn't have to buy my brother-in-law a gift because he gets to have sex with my sister.

It wasn't exactly brimming with Christmas cheer.

That rant stalled for a reason: my heart wasn't in it. Truth is, I love Christmas. Christmas is the tits and ass of holidays. I love the first snowfalls of the year, I love the ubiquitous smell of pine, I even love Christmas music. George Winston's "December" and a cozy fire in my fireplace give me a throbbing Yule log of a boner. Throw in the opportunity to drink hot booze -- Apple Jack, Irish coffee, Mexican coffee, hot buttered rum, hot toddies, microwaved beer, whatever -- and I'm almost in a good enough mood to give a freezing bum some spare change.

And you know what else? I truly like spending time with my family. Those people are okay. Especially when we're all tore up on hot booze and giving each other gifts. And sometimes those gifts are MORE booze! What a time to be alive!

Last year my parents got me a video iPod and a bottle of scotch. The scotch was gone in two weeks, but porn on your iPod is forever. And people try to tell me Christmas is more fun as a kid. Fuck that. I was sober all growing up.

So happy holidays, KSKers. All of you readers are like family in a way, from the drunk uncles to the cool guy dating some distant relative to the retarded nephews to the sexy cousin who you know you shouldn't be attracted to, but c'mon, you only see her like every other year, and it barely even feels like you're related at all.

...or so I'd imagine.

In keeping with the holiday theme, this week's Meast is Sage Rosenfels. He completed 75% of his passes and had 3 TDs and no picks in an impressive win over the... Bucs, if I remember correctly (last Sunday seems like a long time ago).

Was he really the meastiest guy on the field last week? Probably not, *COUGH* Patrick Kerney *COUGH* but the guy rose to the occasion during Hannukkah or Chanooka or however Sage's people are spelling it this year, and we thought we'd give him the nod to honor the holiday spirit of things.

Also, Unsilent Majority wanted a Jew to win. Here ya go, Maj. Merry Christmas.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Week 13

My TV broke last Friday night. It was one of those old Sony warhorses that last forever. That durability was both its advantage and its curse. I would have replaced it ages ago, but the thing never gave me ample reason to. The picture quality was always good. And frankly, the thing weighed 2,400 lbs., give or take a few. No way I was moving that shit unless it was a real emergency.

Anyway, we were watching some shit Friday night when, without warning, the picture collapsed. It just sort of shrank down to nothing and then POOF! It was gone. Just like that.

It took me a second to realize what had happened. At first, I thought a fuse had blown. But after a few minutes…

Me: You know what? It’s gone. I think it blew the bulb. It’s gone. IT’S GONE! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THE TV BROKE! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!!!”

I immediately raced to the computer to start researching HDTV’s and DVR’s.

The Mrs.: I’ve never seen you act that fast on anything. In fact, I’ve never seen you act fast in any manner whatsoever.

Me: Shut the fuck up. Now, apparently these 1080p sets are the best, but they cost more. But fucking ay, how often does Big Daddy get to buy himself a TV? Now, apparently, LCD is better than plasma. Plasma wastes power. And if we get the DVR, that’s just $5 a month more on the bill. I WANT THE DVR! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!

The Mrs.: (goes back to reading book) Whatever.

Less than 24 hours later, I got some high def up in that motherfucker.

Me: Look at the picture quality. Isn’t that amazing?

The Mrs.: Doesn’t look that different to me.

Me: Are you fucking joking? (toggling between standard ESPN and hi-def ESPN) Look at that shit! Look at Michelle Bonner’s pores! She’s so flawed now! I could stare at the side logos for an hour on their own! They drift!

The Mrs.: I guess.

Me: God dammit, this is a big event in my life. Will you get fired up?

The Mrs.: It’s just TV.

Me: No, it’s HDTV! It’s like we live in the future now! Look at how cool the remote is! Now get excited. Are you excited? I‘M EXCITED!

The Mrs.: Yes, I’m excited.

Me: WAHOO!

I know damn well the Mrs. was greatly displeased that I was more excited about getting a new TV than pretty much anything ever, up to including getting married, having a kid, etc. And that’s more than justified. But fuck man… NEW TV! HOORAY!!!

Oh, and your meast of the week is Lofa Tatupu of the Seahawks. He had, like, 3 picks or something. Ufford’s gay for him. Looking good, Lofa. ESPECIALLY IN HD!!! YEEEAAARGHHHHH!!!!

The Kevin Everett Meast Is Now the Sean Taylor Meast -- Forever

We really enjoyed having the Meast named after a different person every year. Being the Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week was a different honor entirely than being the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, y'know?

That all ends today, though. This week's Meast is Sean Taylor, and with it he deservedly reclaims the name that was his all along. We salute you, original man-beast. Or moist yeast, or whatever the word's origins are.

So, to recap: from here on out it's the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Award, though we'll leave the door open for secondary sponsorship: the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast punched to you by Chuck Norris; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast survived by Bear Grylls; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast built by the Home Depot. You get the idea.