Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Al Harris And Coverage

We've been going through the thousands of submissions you've sent us for the FF contest, and, in a interesting reversal, it has been US enjoying YOUR work over the last couple of weeks. Your pics and stories have been most entertaining, and we would be remiss if we did not share the ones that didn't suck the love. We will continue to accept entries through the weekend.

This submission comes from Muffmaster C, and rather than prattle on, I'll simply give him the floor:


I know that I have exceeded the mandated 250 word count, but I think it will be worth your while:

Being from the Chicagoland area, I venture up north to Wisconsin a couple times a year to get fall-down drunk and harass the degenerate cocksuckers that are Packer fans. Last summer a couple buddies and I made the trek to Manitowish Waters (imagine “The Great Outdoors” sans the lonely, but fuckable local girl) and hit up one of the many dive bars that plague this bastard child of a state.

Sporting orange and blue we waltz in like we own the joint and get more dirty looks than Isaiah Washington at a Gay Pride Parade. As the booze starts flowing, so do our overtly loud comments regarding Brett Favre’s drug dependencies and Charles Martin’s demise (isn’t karma a bitch). From the back of the bar someone yells, “At least our coach isn’t a limp dick, boner pill hustler.”

The moderately-sized crowd parts like the Red Sea and there stands a Rastafarian looking d-bag sporting flip-flops and socks. Not recognizing this guy, Dan (part of our crew) fired back with “I loved your work in 'Cool Runnings'.” At this point, Ziggy Marley realizes that we are a bunch of drunk assholes, mutters “Eat a dick” just loud enough for us to hear and gets back to his game of pool.

We polish off a few more rounds and we hear people saying something about Al Harris. Simultaneously we all realized that Douchey McRaggae was none other than the aforementioned Packers cornerback. Relatively shitfaced, we wrap at the bar and take one last parting shot as we walk out the door, “Harris, you get beat more than a red-headed step child.”

And as we walk by the floor-to-ceiling window in front of the bar we hear a knocking sound and see Al Harris drop his pants, slap his dong on the glass and flip us off while nodding like a bobble-head. Bewildered and thinking we’re about to get our asses kick by a professional athlete we all ran like girls made a clean get away without a confrontation.

I wish I could have told you that Al was molesting farm animals with some teammates, but the Packers hadn’t drafted A.J. Hawk yet.

Thanks, Muff!

25 comments:

Becky said...

Apropos of nothing... the Charlotte airport wireless connection bars Deadspin for adult content, but allowed me to access KSK. Obviously doing their homework!

Unsilent Majority said...

Did Will show the full frontal pictures of Harris?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Muffmaster C's real name? Matt Hasselbeck.

"I'm gonna see his balls and I'm gonna score!"

jeff2 said...

slap his dong on the glass and flip us off while nodding like a bobble-head

You sure it wasn't a firearm?

Chuckles said...

Ah yes, the rarely seen, but often implied "yeah we had nothing ready this morning". Refreshingly honest.

Where I come from Al's move (the pressing of one's genitals against glass to the horror of others) is called "the fruit cup". It was most often used when someone had just entered their car and was waiting to leave. One person would distract the driver while another threw the fruit basket up against the passenger window.

Wait, have I shared too much?

Jackin'4Beats said...

So...instead of making some sort of snappy comeback or just kicking the shit out Muffmaster C and his crew, Al Harris just slapped his dick on the window and bobbed his head???

What the fuck kind of shit is that? Is that an acceptable comeback in Green Bay?

"Hey I've got nothing good to say, so let me slap my dick up against a glass window and bop my head like a headbanger. I'm the man..."

Assclown.

Rob I said...

Burn the Charlotte Airport to the ground!

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BeaverFever said...

at least he didn't slap his dong against their heads.

Chris said...

Well, this certainly makes my R.W. McQuarters mask seem inadequate.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The Sex Cannon remains unimpressed.




(someone had to say it)

Dave said...

Does an equal, but opposite "dong: offensive players" tag exist?

TattooedMess(iah) said...

A buddy of mine works at a Mercedes dealership in Pompano, Florida and once got to work on Al's car (One of the AMGs, I forget exactly which). Anyway, in the process they removed the center console and found an entire cigar filled with weed.

I'm sure this surprises no one, but it bears mentioning.

Burnsy said...

Did Joe Buck swing around in his bar stool and tell the bar patrons how truly disgusted he was by this act?

Swolestice said...

According to Dave Attell, this is how you determine whether you're packing heat or not (except substitute public bus window in for the bar window).

Jez said...

Al Harris +1
Big-mouthed Chicago douchebags -5

Glad all you guys did was talked. If you would have actually had the nuts to stick around, I'm sure Al would have done more than shown you his dong.

Next time you don't want to pay $5 for a 12 oz beer, I suggest you go to Indiana. On the other hand, stay out of my state, too.

Grimey said...

Q: What's five inches long and sounds like a bell?

A: DOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

Matt said...

"...the degenerate cocksuckers that are Packer fans."

I've never been called a degenerate cocksucker before...thanks!

Fucking Bears fans.

Jarrett Carter said...

a little racist and dangerous, but pretty hilarious.

OkieRover said...

That's pretty funny...I actually chuckled twice...if it matters.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Well this one and the possibly - definitely? - photoshopped blueberry ass fountain have been the best.

Robocats said...

Meh, funny, but it would have been funnier if Harris had pressed his dong against some icy metal, a la A Christmas Story.

Bloof said...

Al Harris is beyond douchebag, he's a fucking cobag.

What do you call a man that agressively pushes his frank and beans at another man?

And don't say Ufford.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Al Harris, you begul shittin'

JAMMQ said...

hahahahaha