Friday, June 1, 2007

Sopranos Talk, Plus Bonus Shahi For Fondling Your Wok Charred Ahi

Here’s some more pictures of Sarah Shahi. Thanks God HER dad isn’t some prick lawyer.



I’m here to talk about “The Sopranos”. I’ve waded through five plus seasons and one long ass Memorial Day weekend (Hooray, DC humidity!) to get to these final two episodes. Along the way, there have been a few awesome killings and many more “Where the fuck is this going?” moments. But the previous two episodes have been balls-to-the-wall fucking sweet, and it’s been fun talking with people about what’s gonna happen next.

SPOILER ALERT FOR HERE AND THE COMMENTS

My theory: Tony now realizes that his life will always be miserable and shitty and could give two shits whether he lives or dies. That’s why he didn’t give a shit about killing Christopher. David Chase has always said he didn’t want Tony to come across as lovable or sympathetic. I think he views Tony as a common criminal and thug, which means he’ll die an inglorious and shitty death, probably at Phil “I gotta take a shit” Leotardo’s expense.

And that’s fine with me. But, since I’m a big fan of random, inexplicable violence, I suggest killing ALL of them. And here’s how I’d like to see it happen:

Carmela: Materialistic whore. Dies slipping in $80,000 marble bathtub.

Paulie: Selfish, insufferable prick. Gets his head shaved by Leotardo and then shot in the mouth.

AJ: Moron. I will have a son exactly like him. Dies riding a bike into a manhole.

Sylvio: Keep him. I like him.

Janice: Time fucking stops when this shrew is on the screen. I suggest a severe bat beating.

Phil: Asbestos poisoning

Weaselly shit who hangs out with Phil: Doused in kerosene, burned, electrocuted

Meadow: Dies in some sort of hardcore sex scene with Charmaine Bucco

Junior: Dies offscreen, since scenes with him are like being in a room with an actual old person

Coco: Second curb stomping

Chrissy’s Wife: Suicide by poisoning

Vito’s Son: Suicide by gunshot

Artie Bucco: Stabbed by the kid from Doogie Howser

Kid From Doogie Howser: Killed by Neil Patrick Harris in a cameo

Bobby: Heart attack

Melfi: Killed by Harvey Keitel in a ironic cameo

Melfi’s Shrink: Killed by Melfi before Harvey shows up

Furio: Killed by punch to enormous nose

Theories and hopes in the comments. Enjoy the weekend.

39 comments:

mediapossum said...

It would be awesome if the Russian returned from the woods to kill Paulie's ass. Also, I'd like to see AJ continue to try and kill himself, but fail miserably each time.

Otto Man said...

Nice work there. I especially like, and look forward to seeing, Meadow's predicted death.

I love Syl too, but everybody's got to go. It'd be fitting to have him step outside the Bing and get run down by Springsteen's tour bus.

Chris said...

I wish Phil had been the one who got curbed instead of Coco.

Jon Oum said...

Bobby dying from a heart attack is too easy...
..dying while eating is also.
So I say Bobby dies in an accident involving his two shit kids. Or dies from a heart attack while jackin it to his dead wife.

flubby said...

Melfi should beat her shrink to death with that jackass over-sized water bottle he had in the last episode.

Motherfucker, you work in an office building not the Mohave Desert.

Big Daddy Drew said...

flubby clearly wasn't part of the Nalgene Trail Products explosion of '97.

Otto Man said...

I'd like to see Bobby die from a massive coronary while he's on top of Janice -- this scene would, of course, involve no nudity whatsoever -- and then Janice dies a slow painful death, trapped under his massive girth.

Chris said...

Otto - Either that or Tony beats him to death with one of his model trains.

Julia said...

The final scene should be Tony walking down the driveway to grab his paper and then suddenly being mauled to death by the ducks who lived in his pool.

Otto Man said...

I like where you're head's at, Chris.

Also, Artie Bucco's death will somehow involve his wife's constant nagging. Maybe she distracts him while driving, and he plows right into a toll booth. Maybe she drives him into a murder-suicide pact with a melon baller. But she's definitely the cause.

Fittingly, the word verification is "oh nnyo!"

The Pirate Sloth said...

Maybe a shark or a polar bear or an orca or a pride of lions can kill them all - and then we'd have our kill kill kill vids for the next 8 or 9 weeks. Or one long hilarious post and comments.

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

Come on, AJ has to get beaten to death by Tony. He has been on the verge of giving him a severe beating for years.

Awful Chief said...

Otto - Either that or Tony beats him to death with one of his model trains.

I think Richie Aprile would have handled it the right way.

"i'll build a ramp up to your ass...drive a lionel up in there."

Victor Yuschenko said...

Melfi elopes with Ray Liotta. Syl garrotes Max Weinberg with Kevin Eubanks's B bass string and joins the Conan O'Brien Show. Meadow gets pregnant with Vito's fat goth son's child, who ironically grows up to become the drummer in a Falco reunion tour, with Carmela on lead vocals and Kevin Eubanks on bass.

A.J. survives hospitalization, but is later asphyxiated by Paulie Walnuts's Brylcreem-smeared scrotal sac in a tragic multigenerational Italian teabagging gone terribly awry.

Phil Leotardo is gunned down by Jimmy Two Times for refusing to get the papers, get the papers.

Janice is drafted with the 9th overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft by the Philadelphia Eagles, making her the only player on the team with bigger tits than Andy Reid.

Uncle Junior is convinced he's Manfred von Richthofen, and shits his pants in a putative bombing raid in the skies above Orly.

Tony enters witness protection, becomes a vegan, loses 85 pounds, and is played by Scott Baio in the movie.

Sarah Shahi is chained to my radiator.

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

hmmm alrighty then...

Rob I said...

Harvey Keitel, Edward James Olmos, is there an actor over 50 in Hollywood that DOESN'T want to kill Bracco?

Tony won't die. He'll just go broke and be miserable, a much worse fate!

Wormfather said...

@Victor Yuschenko

+15

Unsilent Majority said...

They're just going to end the series without addressing the Pine Barrens which just pisses me off to no end.

Otto Man said...

That's my fear, too, UM. The high point of the series, in my opinion, and it's unresolved.

And the Rapture may be onto something there. I would love to see Tony beat the everloving shit out of his sniveling son.

Peter McSheisty said...

Great post, great comments. Im glad I missed the drinking game draft for this. Seriously, am I the only twenty-something here who has never really played these games. My drinking game usually consists of massive bong rips or swishers stuffed with green in between sam adams or some tasty import. Unless I go out and then its draft beer till they carry me out the door.

HolyDogWater said...

Tony is thrown into prison where he brutally rapes his cellmate (Pac-man) nightly with his gigantic fat calzone. After 17 months of this going on nightly Tony finally drowns him in the toilet, ass rapes his dead body one last time (for old times sake), disembowels him, and finally hangs himself to death with Pac-man's lower intestines.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I still like my idea the best.

Andrew said...

The show jumped the shark after season three. Too many writers wanting to attack too many plot lines.

Not ever following up on Pine Barrens was a cardinal sin...Silvio's lines have dropped to about two an episode...Do you realize we haven't even seen Artie once this season?

Otto Man said...

Do you realize we haven't even seen Artie once this season?

He's been seen but not heard, in the background at Christophuh's funeral.

Chris said...

Otto - What about the gardener guy Tony and the rest are always shitting on? Pretty sure that guy could go all John Matrix and take everyone out.

Andrew said...

I read Chase had planned on keeping mother Livia around for a lot longer, when the actress died.

I think that threw an M-60 into where they were originally planning on taking the plot.

"Meadow...at night...they hit us."

JT said...

As long as Janice meets a wood chipper up close, I will be happy.

Her time on screen is more painful than the beer-and-mexican food shits.

JAMMQ said...

The only people involved in scenes in the final two episodes should be Sylvio, Tony Soprano, Paulie, Phil "I'm still angry from catching the beatdown in 'Goodfellas'" Leotardo(the actor who plays thig guy is clearly still pissed about being punked in that role, or he's possibly pissed he has to make commercials for banks in ireland in order to get a check, see:

http://www.permanenttsb.ie/


But, you gotta love the anger).

And, assorted, random wiseguys as needed.

They all kill each other after coming to the realization that they're stuck in dirty jersey for the rest of their lives.

But, Phil lives, because how this guy wasn't in more scenes while Carmela, Junior, A.J. and god awful Lorraine Bracco waste time is unexplainable.

Nothing more riveting than two psychiatrists talking in an office.
*snoring*

Kill Kill Kill.

Otto Man said...

I'd forgotten about the gardener, Chris. Maybe he'd take some shears to Paulie Walnuts' hair wings. It'd be only fitting after what he did to Christophuh's newly landscaped yard.

Christopher said...

Tony is going to get whacked by Johnny Cakes, in (mistaken) retaliation for Vito.

Or he kills Phil and takes over the NY family.

Crapass said...

Don't act like you can show me tits and then try to sneak a Soprano's post by me on a football blog.

I feel cheated.

James said...

Tony gets eaten by Michael Vick's pit bulls.

Wormfather said...

@Chris

OMG, when bobby walked into the model train hobby shop last night I swear he was gonna get killed by one of the trains. Nice try, so close.

Otto Man said...

I had the same reaction, Worm. I was starting to suspect Chris was a screenwriter for the show.

But last night. Damn. Where to begin?

Wormfather said...

Otto, I know where to begin.

Biker falls off bike slides 30 feet. That was nice

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

"Thundump!" Him getting run over actually made me go "Holy Shit" out loud.

coolbreeze said...

Catch the Pine Barrens episode on A&E this week.

Otto Man said...

Well played, Worm. That was it.

Jez said...

That biker was run over by a Toyota Prius. Two of the most fuel efficient vehicles on the road involved in an accident...coincidence? Huh.

deafjeff said...

They still really need to kill AJ. Meadow HAS to get naked once, please!