Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick! Episode 6: Burglarized!


Oh, wow.

Hoo boy.

I feel so bloated.

Fuck me man, I am STONED. Woo! You ever get so stoned you get tunnel vision? My field of vision is the size of a fucking dime right now. Gotta get into this motherfuckin’ house. Where my keys?

(searches for keys, finds them in his pocket attached to an alligator bottle opener key chain)

Here they are! No wait, these are the keys to the house in Buckhead. Oh fuck.

Holy shit, I am wobbling.

Time to do some jimmyin’

(opens door with credit card)

Nice. Hey, Priscilla! I’m home, bitch! Where you at? Hey, why didn’t my alarm go off? And why is my fishbowl broken? And why is there furniture overturned in my living room? I never had furniture in my living room before. And where’s my 1000-carat diamond picture frame featuring me and Frank Beamer with Frank Beamer cropped out? And where did Marcus go? And how come there ain’t any Tyson’s Chicken nuggets in the freezer? And where’s that John Singer Sargent painting that my agent made me purchase?

Wait a second.

I know what this is.

I’m REALLY, REALLY fucking stoned!

Fuckin’ A. This is some good shit. One time I smoked up and saw a purple swan, but I ain’t ever seen shit like this. Unless I’m in the wrong house. I’m not in the wrong house, am I? Wait a second, I’m not that stoned. I smoked, like, six bowls. That ain’t shit.

Oh, man! I just came to a shocking realization!

MUTHAPHUCKKAS TOOK MY SHIT!!!!!!!

I’ve been robbed! Oh my God. I feel so violated, just like anyone who has to watch “Lil' Bush”! Oh, I am fucking pissed. Nobody gets to violate me except for ME! I’mma fucking find whoever did this. Right after I watch this DVD of “House Party”. Public Enema? Who da hell wants a Public Enema! Ha ha ha! That shit cracks me up every time.

(goes into TV room and sees TV is missing)

Motherfucker! They took my TV! They even took the emergency TV in the study! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! The fuck am I supposed to stare blankly at now? Shit, they even took all the pictures of me off the game wall! I’m so fucking mad. I’mma catch these fuckers, unless I have to watch tape in order to do it.

And where the fuck are my floor buffers?! I can’t enjoy this pleasant buzz when my floors have a matte finish! That’s why I kept TWO buffers in the house! This is ruining my shit! GAH!!!!!!!!!

All right, Mike. Just calm down. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s just the Feds digging around for clandestine canine burial grounds. No big deal. They’re just stupid fucking dogs. No one gives a shit about that except Inspector Todd.

How could they have gotten in? No one could possibly crack my security code of 1-2-3-4. It’s so clever in its obviousness! God dammit! Fuckin' Slomin's Shield don't shield shit! I wonder who did this. Was it Greg Knapp? I bet it was Greg Knapp. Assistants don’t make SHIT. Fuck him. Fuck that Knappy-headed ho. Better call 911.

Oh snap, wait. If I call 911, they’ll know I was smokin’ pot earlier. And they’ll know about that hermit I killed and bricked into the basement. And they’ll find my stash. And the room full of illegal Cambodian immigrants. And my ketchup. And all those crude landmines I tried to make out of Tide and used toilet paper rolls. Can’t call the cops! Only one man I can call.

Arthur Blank: Hello?

Hello, Mr. Home Depot Man! You fix shit, right? You a handyman?

Arthur Blank: No, Michael. I’m the CEO.

Yeah, well I need to C-E YO ass down at my place in VA. And I need you to bring a wet/dry vac because someone stole the toilet and I’m gonna have to piss on my own damn marble floor.

Arthur Blank: Michael, have you been smoking marijuana?

What? Uh, NO! This isn’t Mike. This is, uh, Keith Brooking. I’m like, white and shit. You must have reached me in error, sooth gentleman.

Arthur Blank: Michael, I know it's you. It says so right on my calle...

I have to adjourn to the drawing room now. Good day, kind sir!

(hangs up)

I’mma just have to buy a new house now. Fuck this cleaning shit.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

23 comments:

roger goodell's taint said...

How could they have gotten in? No one could possibly crack my security code of 1-2-3-4.

That's amazing. I have the same combination on my luggage.

miamidiesel said...

Arthur Blank: No, Michael. I’m the CEO.

Yeah, well I need to C-E YO ass down at my place in VA.


Fucking priceless. Also, the "I'm like, white and shit" defense has never failed...

Otto Man said...

That's amazing. I have the same combination on my luggage.

I knew that joke wouldn't last long, but damn that was quick.

Burnsy said...

Where were his guard dogs during all of this? Oh yeah. Dead.

the butler said...

I'm having trouble saying "Slomin's Shield don't shield shit" five times fast.

Bloof said...

Vick uses the word 'clandestine?'

WTF?

Trevor said...

And where the fuck are my floor buffers?! I can’t enjoy this pleasant buzz when my floors have a matte finish! That’s why I kept TWO buffers in the house! This is ruining my shit! GAH!!!!!!!!!

Fucking priceless. I was wondering what the hell you need two floor buffers for...

Awful Chief said...

"Three plasma televisions -- 62-inch, 42-inch and 32-inch screens -- two floor buffers, a wet/dry vaccuum, an upright washer and dryer and a leather sofa were taken."

I'd start by checking out Mr. Sparkle. Maybe he likes sitting on his ass watching tv when he's not out disrespecting dirt. One thing's for sure: With all the heavy lifting that was done, this is not the work of someone who is lazy and uninspired.

spencer096 said...

that made my lunch hour bong break the best thing ever...

And where did Marcus go? And how come there ain’t any Tyson’s Chicken nuggets in the freezer? And where’s that John Singer Sargent painting that my

i could never imagine a discourse that ever includes a john singer sargent mention with floor buffers, cropped out Frank Beamer, peeing on your own marble floors, Slomin's shield and Buckport. well done sir.

lieutenant winslow said...

celebrity profiling at its finest.


oh, and

I’mma catch these fuckers, unless I have to watch tape in order to do it.

i think i just wet myself.

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

The pain of toiling away for The Man is always erased every time mike vick pops up. Thank you BDD.

wv: knpmuaz

The noise Greg Knapp made while riding the floor buffer around and around.

devang said...

Fuck that Knappy-headed ho.

C. Vivian Stringer would like to meet with you.

Jackin'4Beats said...

These Mike Vick posts never get tired.

they’ll know about that hermit I killed and bricked into the basement. And they’ll find my stash. And the room full of illegal Cambodian immigrants. And my ketchup.

What?!?!?!

Never thought I'd read that stream of consciousness...or...unconsciousness in any post at any time. Well done.

Wormfather said...

I have to admit, at first I thought this series was cheezy but this mike vick post was better than a bacon, egg and cheese.

Black n Gold said...

I would write a humorous line from the posting in italics and then say, "fucking priceless" right after it, but that seems to have been done twice.

Instead I'll ask: if everything else seemed to be gone, wouldn't Mike think that the illegal Cambodian immigrants and his ketchup were also gone?

sledgod said...

::Sigh.:: I find these Mike Vick posts lazy, off-topic and uninspired.

Signed,

Matt Ufford

Brother Joshua said...

they’ll know about that hermit I killed and bricked into the basement

who knew michael vick was really the guy from "the cask of amontillado" the whole time?

Will said...

Absolutely fucking brillant.

Chris said...

Sledgod - The ghost of FootSteps Falco would like a word with you.

Otto Man said...

I'm a little disappointed that a high and hungry Mike Vick didn't pin the blame on the obvious suspect -- the Hamburglar.

Wormfather said...

@Brother Joshua

Nice fucking reference, by and large, Poe's best stuff.

Drinking - Check
Marti gras - Check
Revenge - Check
Revenge by lure of alcohol - check/party foul.

I'm Keith Hernandez said...

THEY DUNZ TAKZ MY SHIT

grungedave said...

Mike no longer needs the weed... he can get high off the KSK New Template color scheme.