Tuesday, June 12, 2007

NFL's Version Of WNBA In Peril,
Cannot Rely On Spendthrift Lesbian
Demographic To Bail Them Out

NFL Europa, the football league that plays all of its games in Europa, may be the latest casualty of The Roger Goodell Experience, as the commissioner may be pushing the NFL owners to go Terri Schiavo on the six-team league after World Bowl XV.

The NFL's merry band of consultants were brought in earlier this year to assess the value of the league. Their findings were made available to all media outlets, including KSK. We present those findings in their entirety below:

Not everyone, however, is eager to see the junior league gets its feeding tube pulled. Proponents have praised the league and claim it to be necessary for developing young quarterbacks in uniforms that challenge their heterosexuality. Advocates of the league were relieved to learn that most players were paid too little to own a car in Europe, and could only get DUIs from stealing vehicles from the local villagers. The little children in the community enjoyed appearing in the United Verplempern commercials. And the German women finally felt petite.


The league, which opened play as the World League of American Football in 1991, has been unable to acheive the international presence it had hoped, as teams based in foreign destinations such as London, Barcelona, and Columbus, OH were unsustainable. The league reportedly will lose $1 million dollars per team this year. Oh, boo hoo, I didn't realize it was gonna cost you guys, like, 4 games of Drew Bledsoe to keep this fucker open. You're gonna put the mockers on this league just because Nigel and Pierre don't see the games? They keep all those fucking museums open over there, and nobody ever goes to see them.

Suddenly I feel bad for all these years of pointing my nose up at all those shit teams when I cycled through the menu screen in Madden. Not that I should give a shit about the Rhein Fire, ever, especially for its own sake.

That reminds me, Did Europe ever pay us back for the fucking Marshall Plan? Fuck no, they didn't. But now, with their own shitty league about to go tits-up, they want OUR teams to come and play in THEIR countries? Don't they still have the plague and shit going on over there?

I mean, holy shit, why do we put anything in Europe, anyway? With that jungle climate? I mean, you could be attacked by a panda bear or a koala at any given moment. And I hear the antelope there are a bitch, too. Although I'm told that their dentists are exceptional. And that their women shave regularly...

32 comments:

Jackin'4Beats said...

First! No just kidding. Don't ban me.

Oh well, I guess Pacman, Tank and Henry's Plan B just went up in smoke. Purple Haze that is...

Don't they still have the plague and shit going on over there?

Wow. Just wow.

BigRicks said...

Do they release attendance figures? Are they better than the Pirates/Royals/NBA Regular Season? If so, keep it going, the UFL is going to need to steal it's "talent" from somewhere.

The Chris Kopech said...

Go Orange Barrels!

/in columbus, OH, rooting for our WL team!

Unsilent Majority said...

Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

The Kid said...

I heard QB Pierre LaFleur of the Normandy Retreaters is running an underground koala fighting ring at his flat. Fuckin Europe

Wormfather said...

Hey Jacking...they still havnt figured out how to ban people, why do you think MMP is still posting after the towel incident?

I've been to europe a couple times and the best thing I've seen on each vacation was JFK, home sweet home. Those motherfuckers oughta learn to speak english.

/sarcasm

Christmas Ape said...

The quarterback looks like he should be playing for the KSK New Templates.

Unsilent Majority said...

+1 Ape

Big Daddy Drew said...

I swear the Orlando Thunder helmet was designed by the same guy who created Mega Mans 1 through 8.

Wormfather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Burnsy said...

How long has Orlando Thunder played for the Kerwin Bells?

From the other side of town said...

Roger should collect the money from the suspensions he imposes, that would keep the lights on for at least another 3 seasons.

devang said...

NFL Europa, where washed up former NFL players go to teach 2nd rate players how to suck in the NFL.

Future homes for current players/teams or about to be washed up players:

Mark Brunell and Kurt Warner - The Vatican

Ben ROethlisberger Germany - Autobahn
Michael Vick - Germany so that he can breed Alsatians to fight. Failing that he can always follow...

Ricky Williams - Amsterdam for the smokes
Pacman Jones - Amsterdam for the hos

Cincinnati Bengals - to England as the drunken British Hooligans

Cleveland Browns - France, for the way they surrender their season every year.

Burnsy said...

By the way, welcome back T.A.T.U. Those perky young Russkies won my heart at the MTV Video Awards so many years ago. I miss pop acts based on Lolita-style lesbianism.

miamidiesel said...

Lions DT under investigation
Posted: Tuesday June 12, 2007 07:53AM ET
Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers -- arguably the team's best player -- is being investigated for allegedly groping a woman in her dressing room at a Detroit strip club. Officials said Rogers had a handgun in his waistband but didn't pull it out. It wasn't known whether he had a permit to carry a concealed weapon.

Detroit Free Press


Can't wait till Goodell gets to this one... BDD's post last week about the NFL running out of players by week 8 may very well come true, and then the league might need these NFL Europa (wherever the fuck that is) douchebags to fill out the rosters

Burnsy said...

Is it too much to ask for Trent Green to stab a prostitute during sex within the next week?

grungedave said...

T.A.T.U...

I forgot about them. Though, apparently Mischa Barton did not as she will be in a fucking *movie* they are making about them?!?!?

devang said...

@burnsy

Don't worry, that Dolphins O line will take good care of Green.

Otto Man said...

Is it too much to ask for Trent Green to stab a prostitute during sex within the next week?

Probably. Unless he has Damon Huard waiting in a closet to finish the job. That guy is fra-gee-lay.

Otto Man said...

They're making a T.a.T.u. movie? I guess I can stop waiting for that sequel to Spice World now.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The Orlando Thunder? Please they're about as much of a real team as the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Now, the Orlando Breakers, that's where coach Craig T. Nelson really cemented his legacy.

josh said...

the answer is to turn it back into the WLAF, and make the acronym meaningless by making it all american teams in third-rate cities bring back the orlando thunder! and start a team in jacksonville!

wait, what?

grungedave said...

Yeah, a T.A.T.u. movie...

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/zap-mischabartonfindingtatucasting,0,1625252.story?coll=zap-news-headlines

Burnsy said...

Otto, as long as it only starred Emma Bunton and Victoria Beckham, I would gladly welcome a sequel to Spice World.

Otto Man said...

The hot new Emma Bunton would be nice to see, but I'd be afraid Victoria Beckham might be too fragile for filming these days. After all the plastic surgery she's had, 90% of her body is comprised of the bottom two rows of the Periodic Table.

Shan said...

should i state the obvious about the rating we would all love the tatu movie to carry?


WV: tshbatu so close.

Burnsy said...

@ otto,

Well Posh could at least teach Scary and Sporty a thing or twelve about maintaining the looks. I think Ginger has held up well, too.

Wormfather said...

This isnt even a fucking argument. Anyone touches Baby Spice (via 1998) and I swear I'll cut it off, that bitch is mine.

Smello said...

I'm feeling my age. I thought that was a picture of Joan Jett & some random woman. Who is T.a.T.u.?

Although, I've been enjoying I Hate Myself For Loving You, which has been rolling around in my head since I first read this post.

Jackin'4Beats said...

The only team that really matters is the Washington Sentinels. I'd watch that team play every day and twice on Sunday.

Oh yeah and their cheerleaders are Hot.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Wait, I used to live in Orlando and they had a team there?!?! Wow, totally missed that one.

RJ said...

But if the leauge fails the balance of the universe will be upended. The only way soccer can be played in half empty football stadiums in America is if football is played in half empty soccer stadiums overseas.

It's one of Newton's laws or something, right?