Friday, June 29, 2007

This Week's Commenter Draft:
Who Would Play You In A Movie Of Your Life's Story


Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.

Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.

Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.

The Rules:

--You are picking this person as they existed IN THEIR PRIME.

Think Steve McQueen circa
The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.

--They do not necessarily have to be actors.

Most of you are going to fuck this up anyway, so go ahead and embarrass yourselves creatively.

--No one can be chosen twice, regardless of which era that person is taken.

For example, you could take Drew Barrymore from ET, or Drew Barrymore from Charlie's Angels. Not both. Again, some of you are stupid and will fuck this up. I apologize to both of our literate readers that naturally would have understood this.

--People back out of shit in Hollywood all the time, so take an understudy. Or six.

Don't let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.


With the first pick, I'll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.

Get to it.

303 comments:

Burnsy said...

George Clooney. Only dude I know who gets as much ass as me.

Otto Man said...

Has Don Cheadle been taken?

Burnsy said...

Don Cheadle is the poor man's Alphonso Ribeiro.

Judz said...

John Belushi

the chief said...

Brando. No understudies necessary.

Grimey said...

John Cusack.

He should probably start eating pasta for the next eight weeks.

Ron Bermuda said...

Tom Cruise, Risky Business era...

Is that gay? It feels gay...

The Kid said...

Vince Vaughn

David said...

Steve Buscemi

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I'll take DeNiro. All around badass, just like myself.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Russell Crowe

Peter McSheisty said...

johnny depp

The Kid said...

Forgot to add, vince vaughn in his swingers era, he was skinnier and better looking than now

Burnsy said...

Leif Garrett. I just feel like we're going to have something in common in about two years.

Awful Chief said...

Jeff Bridges

Grimey said...

@burnsy: I hope he's available!

FFJewbacca said...

Chevy Chase circa Fletch.

Burnsy said...

And seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.

WV: kmayb... what I would say to ScarJo if she asked me to put it in her pooper.

Smello said...

Geena Davis - circa The Last Kiss Goodnight.

Because my tall personality can be reflected on the screen even if though it has been limited in real life by the fact that I'm hobbit sized.

Grimey said...

Jon Favreau. He's already been eating pasta for the past eight weeks.

the chief said...

Clint Eastwood.

Chet Lemon said...

vincent chase

Peter McSheisty said...

And seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.

Then penalize yourself, you only waited 9 picks. Off with your fucking head.

Burnsy said...

@ ffjewbacca

Thank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.

Peter McSheisty said...

Brad Pitt

the chief said...

Anyone who takes Chris Tucker should promise their movie ends with several gunshots shots to the head face chest neck and legs.

Burnsy said...

Then so did Drew because I picked after him.

Otto Man said...

Richard Roundtree

Hey, I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft!

The Kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter McSheisty said...

Drew, breaking the rules? For shame.

(Five One Eight) said...

"underhanded self-loathing", is that the new euphemism for masturbation? That would make sense if we're talking about my life.

Benicio Del Toro. 'Fear and Loathing...' Benicio.

Burnsy said...

Fantastic pick, Otto.

I'll take the Vikings penalty on my next pick. No one's taking Corey Haim soon anyways.

Awful Chief said...

burnsy, you also broke the 'no one can be chosen twice' rule

The Kid said...

Mel Gibson
He already has the whole drunken, prejudice, asshole thing down, so he wont have to do much research for the part

J said...

Paul Giamatti sans the beard and with some serious lifts. I related to "Sideways" a whole lot more than I care to admit. Plus I wouldn't mind bagging Virginia Madsen.

jeff2 said...

Chevy Chase circa Fletch.

Thank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.

Worst. Moderator. Ever.

Grimey said...

Drew didn't pick first, Punter did....

bluehose32 said...

I'll take Harrison Ford from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Question: How can I post or send someone on here a picture of Kool Aid dressed up like a gangsta, with bling on. Don't ask me how I found it. It was a google miracle.

Tuck Fexas said...

Jenna Jamesom before the bad plastic surgery

Burnsy said...

Um, that was a joke. Yikes.

Burnsy said...

@ grimey

I stand corrected. I'm quite hugnover. I penalize myself two picks and beg for everyone's forgiveness.

Chuckles said...

Steve McQueen

Burnsy said...

Hungover even. Christ.

the chief said...

John Holmes.

el_hombre said...

Stephen Colbert.

J said...

Good thing you're in charge of the office today, Burnsy.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Gene Hackman to the set.

I cant believe I missed the bukkake yesterday. Nice work, fellas.

eric said...

Ron Jeremy. . . . circa today when he is fat and ugly and hairy. . .not from back in the day when he was tubby and ugly and hairy.

Peter McSheisty said...

W.C. Fields

Burnsy said...

@ j

No shit. Pretty soon I'll take a dump on my desk.

J said...

Steve Carell, both of Michael Scott and 40-Year-Old Virgin varities is a more than acceptable understudy.

I think I win the self-loathing battle. Y'all can suck it.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Samuel L Jackson.

Brendan said...

I wish i was suicidal, cuz then I'd definitely pick Zach Braff. Since I'm not, I'm going Steve McQueen.

Awful Chief said...

Jack Palance.
"Confidence is verrrrrry sexy, don't you think?"

MMP, what about animated characters?

The Kid said...

Randy Couture

Bad Ass

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Johnny "Drama" Chase. Jesus, is my self-esteem that low

Brendan said...

fuck, withdrawn

Grimey said...

Ryan Reynolds, who actually is Chevy Chase in his prime.

Note: I would do the same for him, if the beginning of the movie were after he split up with Alanis Morrisette.

Redhead said...

Angelina Jolie - she's hot and (I think) she can act.

Chuckles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chuckles said...

John Wayne

Otto Man said...

Sean Connery.

The penis mightier!

the chief said...

Denzel is a good value pick here. i'm told he's black, but I don't see colors when i look at people.

Monday Morning Punter said...

@Awful Chief: No.

Burnsy said...

Anybody want to go start drinking at Hooters? But not like a good Hooters, like an airport Hooters where the chicks have C-section scars and black eyes.

Brendan said...

Ed O'Neill, circa Dutch

Monday Morning Punter said...

Rick Morranis circa Little Shop Of Horrors.

the chief said...

Ed O'Neill is a fantastic pick at any stage of his career.

Peter McSheisty said...

I need someone to do justice to my drug-fueled high school days.

HST

I already got Johnny Depp, who wouldnt want two Raoul Dukes?

grungedave said...

Jason Lee.

no explanation necessary.

Burnsy said...

I don't know Chief, have you tried watching John in Cinnci?

John John The Bastard said...

Christian Bale. Why, because I have an incredibly inflated sense of self-esteem, that's why.

Tits McGee said...

Since Redhead took my pick, I'll go with Charlize Theron, circa anything but "Monster".

coach said...

Donald Sutherland, circa Kelly's Heroes.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Bill Pullman, circa ID4

JargonBear said...

Dennis Hopper circa Apocalypse Now.

Good times.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bogart.

fallex said...

Bill Murray circa Caddyshack/Stripes

the chief said...

James. Fucking. Dean.

Rob I said...

Jonathan Silverman

I'm not a Jew but I wish I was.

dolemite jenkins said...

Jack Nicholson . . . any time period, any movie, any day.

Peter McSheisty said...

Val Kilmer

liquid_d said...

I'll take one Dennis Leary, and his "asshole" song gets to be played during the opening and closing credits.

Redhead said...

Rita Hayworth circa the movie Gilda - I kind of feel obligated to take a redhead, and she was the best.

Otto Man said...

Paul Newman, straight out of "Cool Hand Luke."

But only on the condition that George Kennedy's semi-retarded best friend doesn't come along for the ride.

DougOLis said...

Is this who we want or who should?

With my first pick I choose who I want:
Paul Newman - circa Cool Hand Luke/ Butch Cassidy

Chuckles said...

Damn you Drew, damn you to hell.

I'll take Bruce Lee.

DougOLis said...

Ahh fuck you otto man

Monday Morning Punter said...

Jim Caviezel

coach said...

Has Christopher Walken been taken? I didn't see his name, so if he was, count me as one of the illiterate readers.

Burnsy said...

Isaiah Thomas.

About right considering I'm a complete fucktard today.

Otto Man said...

Sorry for the cockblock, Dougolis.

JargonBear said...

He-Man.

The resemblance is uncanny.....

fallex said...

Was going to take him, coach, but I'll take Harvey keitel circa Bad Lieutenant.

Don't You Judge Me said...

Alec "you're a disgusting little pig" Baldwin.

Romo_No_Homo said...

Gary Oldman
"He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?"

That sounds like something i would say.

Edmond said...

Billy Dee Williams- -(cerca Blacula) No one's smoother.

the chief said...

Jon Stewart. On Weed.

DougOLis said...

Well, I guess I'll take who I think should since that pick was voided: Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko)

John John The Bastard said...

Tommy Chong, I feel that would do appropriate justice to my visage.

The Kid said...

tony jaa
my athelticism is on par with his

Monday Morning Punter said...

@DougOLis: your call.

Farmacy said...

I'm taking Rodney Dangerfield... I don't really know why... but it seems to be a good pick.

Seth said...

Phillip Semour Hoffman circa "Scotty J"

Monday Morning Punter said...

William Hung.

J said...

fallex, nice pick with Murray.

"You can't leave! All the plants are gonna die!"

coach said...

Alan Rickman

Don't You Judge Me said...

Nicholas Cage

Ron Bermuda said...

Donald Duck....I want my life story to be animated

(Five One Eight) said...

Rowdy Roddy Piper. WWF or 'They Live' eras, take your pick.

Rob I said...

Woody Allen

The uber-mensch; also closer to my actual height than Jonathan Silverman.

Pemulis said...

peter dinklage, because sometimes i wish i was short?

Otto Man said...

Ray Liotta from "GoodFellas"

larry burns said...

fucking chief i was taking the time to read through them all and in that time you took my guy. come on hes jewish from the 609, come one please i beg you. by the way know we see why following th rules never pays.

fuck it i take troy mclure

Chuckles said...

Ralph Macchio

Brendan said...

Pacino - good value this low

DougOLis said...

Helen Keller circa hagrhiargh 8pa4rg89pz erhsvjnsrvl

Romo_No_Homo said...

Chris Benoit
...too soon?

Don't You Judge Me said...

Spike Lee - he's touch shorter than me, but I agree with MMP, black guys are cooler than people of pallor.

the chief said...

fuck IT. HANKS.

JargonBear said...

Bill Lumbergh - Office Space.

"Mmm, yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday."

grungedave said...

Tobey Maguire...

because everyone says I look like him (so be it!).

fallex said...

On second thought, I don't want anyone to see my life story on the big screen. So... David Spade.

larry burns said...

ok is been ten im taking the other jewish hro

mel brooks

"mel brooks is jeweish!?"

lauren said...

Ava Gardner

Captain Caveman said...

Jessica Biel! Now all the love scenes will be lesbian scenes with a super-hot chick. Hooray!

Matt said...

Mike Madsen circa Reservoir Dogs

Brendan said...

Good one with Madsen. I'm going with Harvey Keitel.

Awful Chief said...

jargonbear, the man has a name. Gary Cole.

Edmond said...

William Zabka aka Johnny from the Karate Kid.

The Kid said...

@romo no homo
not too soon at all, cool picture by the way, fag

Otto Man said...

Charlton Heston.

I'm having a hard time figuring out what his prime was, though. Back in the "Ten Commandments" and "Ben-Hur" epics? Or the finer work of "Planet of the Apes," "Omega Man," and "Soylent Green"?

Hard to say.

JargonBear said...

@awful chief..I realize it's Gary Cole, but he's a respected actor with a decent resume.

I just think an asshole would be a much better portrayal.

Don't You Judge Me said...

damn you Caveman! I was going to go with the actress/lesbian love scenes via Uma.

Why, yes, I believe a 6 foot tall woman can play me.

Brendan said...

Apparently Keitel picked. Anybody taken Wallace Shawn? You may all know him as "IN-CON-THEEVABLE!!!!!"

Matt said...

The guy that played Bill S. Preston, Esq.

John John The Bastard said...

Gael Garcia Burnal, not sure why but I don't think I have disliked a single thing he has been in.

the chief said...

Sean Penn. he'll accurately depict both my high school experiences and my war crimes in vietnam

larry burns said...

groucho,

what?

Matt said...

grungedave said...
"Tobey Maguire...

because everyone says I look like him (so be it!)."

grungedave = Will Leitch.

Peter McSheisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the chief said...

... and those times I banged Madonna when she was hot and curious.

Peter McSheisty said...

john john, the king is a fucked up movie.

J said...

Jim Carrey - a bunch of Brits once told me I was a dead ringer. I don't see it, but I'll take it.

Circa "Eternal Sunshine" becaue I'm a total film snob douche. Kate Winslet isn't too hard on the eyes, either.

fallex said...

@Matt, you mean Alex Winter? solid.

I'll take Vinnie Jones (Big Chris from Lock, Stock ...)

Rob I said...

Hilary Swank...no wait, too manly to play me.

Jason Biggs

Better.

Brother Joshua said...

so i can take clive owen this late? nice. clive fucking owen. i think maybe i win with the modern actors.

John John The Bastard said...

Peter I never said his shit isn't fucked up from time to time, just said I haven't not liked any of his shit

chunk said...

Bobby Hill, at the age of 40.

If he lets himself go.

I'm just as good looking and almost as funny.

Jez said...

Robert Plant for my late teen, early 20 years.

Fred Schneider of the B-52's, circa 1991, for my late 20's, early 30's years.

Abe Vigoda for mid-30's to present.

Burnsy said...

Judi Dench.

Brendan said...

Michael Keaton as Johnny Dangerously, but I'll take his whole career through the second Batman.

dusty said...

Marcello Mastroianni in La dolce vita. Buxom Swedish women constantly ask me to follow them.

Peter McSheisty said...

I like "The King" its just fucked up. Dont get so defensive, its okay.

Romo_No_Homo said...

Eric Stoltz
Lance from Pulp Fiction

the chief said...

Will Ferrell. I drive a dodge stratus. Booyah.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Judy Garland, circa Wizard of Oz.

Does it make me a friend of Dorothy if I am Dorothy?

Smello said...

La Lohan circa Mean Girls.

Redheaded
Freckled
Quality boobs
Crazy only in a charming way
Fan of the booze

Peter McSheisty said...

John Candy

Don't You Judge Me said...

back to the great black actors - Morgan Freeman - he's played God (twice!) and the POTUS.

wv: wmzzzwf - that's how I feel today. zzz - What? Fuck!

Otto Man said...

Laurence Fishburne.

And once again, I can't decide if I want Furious Styles Fishburne or Morpheus Fishburne. Hmmm.

dick_gozinia said...

This is an easy one for me. Charlie Sheen plays the character of ME right between Platoon and Wall Street. My life story would be a massively overexaggerated story of hookers, blow, and running from the law...because Sheen was completely money from '86 - '90.

John John The Bastard said...

Oh, and yes I know I need a thesaurus.

Rob I said...

Elijah Wood

Short and douchey wins the race.

Brendan said...

Chris Farley.....I used to be mistaken for him in college

Rob I said...

wv: ppinbuy

"Oh I was in the neighborhood, just ppinbuy"

dusty said...

Edward Norton on the board? Edward Norton off the board.

Suckers.

Brother Joshua said...

jet li. ironically hilarious because i've never been in a fight of any kind.

feep said...

Bruce Willis

Awful Chief said...

Crispin Glover

John John The Bastard said...

Bruce Campbell

Also, sorry if that came off as defensive, didn't mean to be.

the chief said...

Randy Quaid for the 'unstable' years.

Trevor said...

I always get in on these things late.

Jack Black.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Emilio Estevez circa D1.

take the fall
act hurt
get indignant

DougOLis said...

Jack Bauer, and no I don't mean Kiefer Sutherland, I mean Jack Bauer. Unless it's the Kiefer that tackled the tree.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Clark Gable

Awful Chief said...

"I'll take Christopher Reeve!"
-Mike Utley

Romo_No_Homo said...

James Gandolfini

Chuckles said...

Gary Coleman

Monday Morning Punter said...

The red Teletubby.

Otto Man said...

No one's taken Robert Redford?

Fine, I'll reunite Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.

Mike Mullen said...

I've been told I look like Damon, so maybe Damon would seem like he was playing me... Only to be killed by the real me, Jean Reno. (The Professional.)

the chief said...

I'm planning to be pretty goddamn ornery when I'm old, so I'll take George C. Scott circa Patton.

JargonBear said...

Jesus.


Who's not gonna vote for Jesus to win the Oscar?

Burnsy said...

Danny Trejo.

Pemulis said...

tony curtis circa some like it hot. if he were into babes he could have pulled down so much tail, including monroe

Brendan said...

Paul Rudd - know how I know you're all gay? You listen to Coldplay!

Brother Joshua said...

clive owen, jet li, and now orson welles. not a bad lineup.

i love how people are picking non-actors to act as them in a movie.

DougOLis said...

David Cross

John John The Bastard said...

Burnsy, that was one hell of a pick.

Rob I said...

Michael Imperioli

The big Sicilian nose clinches it.

Burnsy said...

I can't wait until KSK finances these movies to be made.

The Young Nucleus said...

With the steal of the draft...Kevin Spacey. Nobody else is as consistently aces as the man who:

a) refused to have his name on the poster or opening credits of Se7en because he didn't want fans to know it was him

b) was motherfucking Keyzer Soze

ncohan-smith said...

anthony michael hall, circa breakfast club. or john cryer, both of them are interchangeable anyway.

Mike Mullen said...

Yeah, where do we turn in the screenplays?

the chief said...

David Hasselhoff. choke on my hoff.

Ethnic Mike said...

Jet Li:

With the personality of Lethal Weapon 4 and the martial arts skill shown in Legend.

...and a bigger wang. I'm just assuming...

Awful Chief said...

@ the yong nucleus:
yeah, but...

DougOLis said...

@ethnic mike: Jet Li was taken awhile ago

JTExperience said...

Hugh Jackman, both the Tony Award winner and Wolverine. Money.