This Week's Commenter Draft:
Who Would Play You In A Movie Of Your Life's Story
Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.
Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.
Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.
The Rules:
--You are picking this person as they existed IN THEIR PRIME.
Think Steve McQueen circa The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.
--They do not necessarily have to be actors.
Most of you are going to fuck this up anyway, so go ahead and embarrass yourselves creatively.
--No one can be chosen twice, regardless of which era that person is taken.
For example, you could take Drew Barrymore from ET, or Drew Barrymore from Charlie's Angels. Not both. Again, some of you are stupid and will fuck this up. I apologize to both of our literate readers that naturally would have understood this.
--People back out of shit in Hollywood all the time, so take an understudy. Or six.
Don't let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.
With the first pick, I'll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.
Get to it.
303 comments:
George Clooney. Only dude I know who gets as much ass as me.
Has Don Cheadle been taken?
Don Cheadle is the poor man's Alphonso Ribeiro.
John Belushi
Brando. No understudies necessary.
John Cusack.
He should probably start eating pasta for the next eight weeks.
Tom Cruise, Risky Business era...
Is that gay? It feels gay...
Vince Vaughn
Steve Buscemi
I'll take DeNiro. All around badass, just like myself.
Russell Crowe
johnny depp
Forgot to add, vince vaughn in his swingers era, he was skinnier and better looking than now
Leif Garrett. I just feel like we're going to have something in common in about two years.
Jeff Bridges
@burnsy: I hope he's available!
Chevy Chase circa Fletch.
And seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
WV: kmayb... what I would say to ScarJo if she asked me to put it in her pooper.
Geena Davis - circa The Last Kiss Goodnight.
Because my tall personality can be reflected on the screen even if though it has been limited in real life by the fact that I'm hobbit sized.
Jon Favreau. He's already been eating pasta for the past eight weeks.
Clint Eastwood.
vincent chase
And seeing as I've been placed in charge of my office today and have ridiculous work to do I have no problem being the draft pick moderator today.
Then penalize yourself, you only waited 9 picks. Off with your fucking head.
@ ffjewbacca
Thank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
Brad Pitt
Anyone who takes Chris Tucker should promise their movie ends with several gunshots shots to the head face chest neck and legs.
Then so did Drew because I picked after him.
Richard Roundtree
Hey, I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft!
Drew, breaking the rules? For shame.
"underhanded self-loathing", is that the new euphemism for masturbation? That would make sense if we're talking about my life.
Benicio Del Toro. 'Fear and Loathing...' Benicio.
Fantastic pick, Otto.
I'll take the Vikings penalty on my next pick. No one's taking Corey Haim soon anyways.
burnsy, you also broke the 'no one can be chosen twice' rule
Mel Gibson
He already has the whole drunken, prejudice, asshole thing down, so he wont have to do much research for the part
Paul Giamatti sans the beard and with some serious lifts. I related to "Sideways" a whole lot more than I care to admit. Plus I wouldn't mind bagging Virginia Madsen.
Chevy Chase circa Fletch.
Thank God, because I'm taking Chevy Chase circa The Karate Dog.
Worst. Moderator. Ever.
Drew didn't pick first, Punter did....
I'll take Harrison Ford from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Question: How can I post or send someone on here a picture of Kool Aid dressed up like a gangsta, with bling on. Don't ask me how I found it. It was a google miracle.
Jenna Jamesom before the bad plastic surgery
Um, that was a joke. Yikes.
@ grimey
I stand corrected. I'm quite hugnover. I penalize myself two picks and beg for everyone's forgiveness.
Steve McQueen
Hungover even. Christ.
John Holmes.
Stephen Colbert.
Good thing you're in charge of the office today, Burnsy.
Gene Hackman to the set.
I cant believe I missed the bukkake yesterday. Nice work, fellas.
Ron Jeremy. . . . circa today when he is fat and ugly and hairy. . .not from back in the day when he was tubby and ugly and hairy.
W.C. Fields
@ j
No shit. Pretty soon I'll take a dump on my desk.
Steve Carell, both of Michael Scott and 40-Year-Old Virgin varities is a more than acceptable understudy.
I think I win the self-loathing battle. Y'all can suck it.
Samuel L Jackson.
I wish i was suicidal, cuz then I'd definitely pick Zach Braff. Since I'm not, I'm going Steve McQueen.
Jack Palance.
"Confidence is verrrrrry sexy, don't you think?"
MMP, what about animated characters?
Randy Couture
Bad Ass
Johnny "Drama" Chase. Jesus, is my self-esteem that low
fuck, withdrawn
Ryan Reynolds, who actually is Chevy Chase in his prime.
Note: I would do the same for him, if the beginning of the movie were after he split up with Alanis Morrisette.
Angelina Jolie - she's hot and (I think) she can act.
John Wayne
Sean Connery.
The penis mightier!
Denzel is a good value pick here. i'm told he's black, but I don't see colors when i look at people.
@Awful Chief: No.
Anybody want to go start drinking at Hooters? But not like a good Hooters, like an airport Hooters where the chicks have C-section scars and black eyes.
Ed O'Neill, circa Dutch
Rick Morranis circa Little Shop Of Horrors.
Ed O'Neill is a fantastic pick at any stage of his career.
I need someone to do justice to my drug-fueled high school days.
HST
I already got Johnny Depp, who wouldnt want two Raoul Dukes?
Jason Lee.
no explanation necessary.
I don't know Chief, have you tried watching John in Cinnci?
Christian Bale. Why, because I have an incredibly inflated sense of self-esteem, that's why.
Since Redhead took my pick, I'll go with Charlize Theron, circa anything but "Monster".
Donald Sutherland, circa Kelly's Heroes.
Bill Pullman, circa ID4
Dennis Hopper circa Apocalypse Now.
Good times.
Bogart.
Bill Murray circa Caddyshack/Stripes
James. Fucking. Dean.
Jonathan Silverman
I'm not a Jew but I wish I was.
Jack Nicholson . . . any time period, any movie, any day.
Val Kilmer
I'll take one Dennis Leary, and his "asshole" song gets to be played during the opening and closing credits.
Rita Hayworth circa the movie Gilda - I kind of feel obligated to take a redhead, and she was the best.
Paul Newman, straight out of "Cool Hand Luke."
But only on the condition that George Kennedy's semi-retarded best friend doesn't come along for the ride.
Is this who we want or who should?
With my first pick I choose who I want:
Paul Newman - circa Cool Hand Luke/ Butch Cassidy
Damn you Drew, damn you to hell.
I'll take Bruce Lee.
Ahh fuck you otto man
Jim Caviezel
Has Christopher Walken been taken? I didn't see his name, so if he was, count me as one of the illiterate readers.
Isaiah Thomas.
About right considering I'm a complete fucktard today.
Sorry for the cockblock, Dougolis.
He-Man.
The resemblance is uncanny.....
Was going to take him, coach, but I'll take Harvey keitel circa Bad Lieutenant.
Alec "you're a disgusting little pig" Baldwin.
Gary Oldman
"He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?"
That sounds like something i would say.
Billy Dee Williams- -(cerca Blacula) No one's smoother.
Jon Stewart. On Weed.
Well, I guess I'll take who I think should since that pick was voided: Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko)
Tommy Chong, I feel that would do appropriate justice to my visage.
tony jaa
my athelticism is on par with his
@DougOLis: your call.
I'm taking Rodney Dangerfield... I don't really know why... but it seems to be a good pick.
Phillip Semour Hoffman circa "Scotty J"
William Hung.
fallex, nice pick with Murray.
"You can't leave! All the plants are gonna die!"
Alan Rickman
Nicholas Cage
Donald Duck....I want my life story to be animated
Rowdy Roddy Piper. WWF or 'They Live' eras, take your pick.
Woody Allen
The uber-mensch; also closer to my actual height than Jonathan Silverman.
peter dinklage, because sometimes i wish i was short?
Ray Liotta from "GoodFellas"
fucking chief i was taking the time to read through them all and in that time you took my guy. come on hes jewish from the 609, come one please i beg you. by the way know we see why following th rules never pays.
fuck it i take troy mclure
Ralph Macchio
Pacino - good value this low
Helen Keller circa hagrhiargh 8pa4rg89pz erhsvjnsrvl
Chris Benoit
...too soon?
Spike Lee - he's touch shorter than me, but I agree with MMP, black guys are cooler than people of pallor.
fuck IT. HANKS.
Bill Lumbergh - Office Space.
"Mmm, yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday."
Tobey Maguire...
because everyone says I look like him (so be it!).
On second thought, I don't want anyone to see my life story on the big screen. So... David Spade.
ok is been ten im taking the other jewish hro
mel brooks
"mel brooks is jeweish!?"
Ava Gardner
Jessica Biel! Now all the love scenes will be lesbian scenes with a super-hot chick. Hooray!
Mike Madsen circa Reservoir Dogs
Good one with Madsen. I'm going with Harvey Keitel.
jargonbear, the man has a name. Gary Cole.
William Zabka aka Johnny from the Karate Kid.
@romo no homo
not too soon at all, cool picture by the way, fag
Charlton Heston.
I'm having a hard time figuring out what his prime was, though. Back in the "Ten Commandments" and "Ben-Hur" epics? Or the finer work of "Planet of the Apes," "Omega Man," and "Soylent Green"?
Hard to say.
@awful chief..I realize it's Gary Cole, but he's a respected actor with a decent resume.
I just think an asshole would be a much better portrayal.
damn you Caveman! I was going to go with the actress/lesbian love scenes via Uma.
Why, yes, I believe a 6 foot tall woman can play me.
Apparently Keitel picked. Anybody taken Wallace Shawn? You may all know him as "IN-CON-THEEVABLE!!!!!"
The guy that played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Gael Garcia Burnal, not sure why but I don't think I have disliked a single thing he has been in.
Sean Penn. he'll accurately depict both my high school experiences and my war crimes in vietnam
groucho,
what?
grungedave said...
"Tobey Maguire...
because everyone says I look like him (so be it!)."
grungedave = Will Leitch.
... and those times I banged Madonna when she was hot and curious.
john john, the king is a fucked up movie.
Jim Carrey - a bunch of Brits once told me I was a dead ringer. I don't see it, but I'll take it.
Circa "Eternal Sunshine" becaue I'm a total film snob douche. Kate Winslet isn't too hard on the eyes, either.
@Matt, you mean Alex Winter? solid.
I'll take Vinnie Jones (Big Chris from Lock, Stock ...)
Hilary Swank...no wait, too manly to play me.
Jason Biggs
Better.
so i can take clive owen this late? nice. clive fucking owen. i think maybe i win with the modern actors.
Peter I never said his shit isn't fucked up from time to time, just said I haven't not liked any of his shit
Bobby Hill, at the age of 40.
If he lets himself go.
I'm just as good looking and almost as funny.
Robert Plant for my late teen, early 20 years.
Fred Schneider of the B-52's, circa 1991, for my late 20's, early 30's years.
Abe Vigoda for mid-30's to present.
Judi Dench.
Michael Keaton as Johnny Dangerously, but I'll take his whole career through the second Batman.
Marcello Mastroianni in La dolce vita. Buxom Swedish women constantly ask me to follow them.
I like "The King" its just fucked up. Dont get so defensive, its okay.
Eric Stoltz
Lance from Pulp Fiction
Will Ferrell. I drive a dodge stratus. Booyah.
Judy Garland, circa Wizard of Oz.
Does it make me a friend of Dorothy if I am Dorothy?
La Lohan circa Mean Girls.
Redheaded
Freckled
Quality boobs
Crazy only in a charming way
Fan of the booze
John Candy
back to the great black actors - Morgan Freeman - he's played God (twice!) and the POTUS.
wv: wmzzzwf - that's how I feel today. zzz - What? Fuck!
Laurence Fishburne.
And once again, I can't decide if I want Furious Styles Fishburne or Morpheus Fishburne. Hmmm.
This is an easy one for me. Charlie Sheen plays the character of ME right between Platoon and Wall Street. My life story would be a massively overexaggerated story of hookers, blow, and running from the law...because Sheen was completely money from '86 - '90.
Oh, and yes I know I need a thesaurus.
Elijah Wood
Short and douchey wins the race.
Chris Farley.....I used to be mistaken for him in college
wv: ppinbuy
"Oh I was in the neighborhood, just ppinbuy"
Edward Norton on the board? Edward Norton off the board.
Suckers.
jet li. ironically hilarious because i've never been in a fight of any kind.
Bruce Willis
Crispin Glover
Bruce Campbell
Also, sorry if that came off as defensive, didn't mean to be.
Randy Quaid for the 'unstable' years.
I always get in on these things late.
Jack Black.
Emilio Estevez circa D1.
take the fall
act hurt
get indignant
Jack Bauer, and no I don't mean Kiefer Sutherland, I mean Jack Bauer. Unless it's the Kiefer that tackled the tree.
Clark Gable
"I'll take Christopher Reeve!"
-Mike Utley
James Gandolfini
Gary Coleman
The red Teletubby.
No one's taken Robert Redford?
Fine, I'll reunite Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.
I've been told I look like Damon, so maybe Damon would seem like he was playing me... Only to be killed by the real me, Jean Reno. (The Professional.)
I'm planning to be pretty goddamn ornery when I'm old, so I'll take George C. Scott circa Patton.
Jesus.
Who's not gonna vote for Jesus to win the Oscar?
Danny Trejo.
tony curtis circa some like it hot. if he were into babes he could have pulled down so much tail, including monroe
Paul Rudd - know how I know you're all gay? You listen to Coldplay!
clive owen, jet li, and now orson welles. not a bad lineup.
i love how people are picking non-actors to act as them in a movie.
David Cross
Burnsy, that was one hell of a pick.
Michael Imperioli
The big Sicilian nose clinches it.
I can't wait until KSK finances these movies to be made.
With the steal of the draft...Kevin Spacey. Nobody else is as consistently aces as the man who:
a) refused to have his name on the poster or opening credits of Se7en because he didn't want fans to know it was him
b) was motherfucking Keyzer Soze
anthony michael hall, circa breakfast club. or john cryer, both of them are interchangeable anyway.
Yeah, where do we turn in the screenplays?
David Hasselhoff. choke on my hoff.
Jet Li:
With the personality of Lethal Weapon 4 and the martial arts skill shown in Legend.
...and a bigger wang. I'm just assuming...
@ the yong nucleus:
yeah, but...
@ethnic mike: Jet Li was taken awhile ago
Hugh Jackman, both the Tony Award winner and Wolverine. Money.
Post a Comment