Thursday, February 15, 2007

People, Let Me Tell You About My Black Friend

Throughout Black History Month, which, you may heard, is this dreary, short, boring month, well-meaning media organizations will take a special moment to highlight people in the footnotes of history who happened to be black. Like Crispus Attucks, the first person killed in the Boston Massacre (because he had a funny name).

It's all kind of a tedious affair. And we here at KSK aren't really students of history. We're scholars of sexy. So we thought we could properly honor Black History Month and stay true to ourselves (that is, six white guys obsessed with football) by creating a mock draft of famous living black people we'd like to be friends with. Because we like them as people, not as abstractions. Besides, black people are cool and, if movies are any indication, they always help their white friends get soul, perspective, compassion or chicks.

And really, what better can we do to commemorate Black History Month than pretend to divvy up ownership rights of famous black people?

I mean, um, that is to say, uh... w-we... try to understand that...uh..."ARTICULATE" WAS MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT!

The draft came about in quite a spur of the moment fashion in our e-mail ramblings, so the order of picks didn't reflect our respective need of blackness. If structured correctly, Caveman would probably pick first by virtue of his eerie pallor and Unsilent would go last, secure in his supreme pretend-blackness. Also, in the spirit of fairness (who knew this would first emerge during an offseason mock draft?) the order was serpentine. We tried to provide a little about what thought, if any, was going into each pick.

Round 1

MMP: Oprah

"Large, wealthy nubian princess. Plus she's already a lesbian so I wouldn't have to fuck her. I'd get on TV and have my own show by November sweeps."

CC: Jay-Z

"Oprah : Mario Williams :: Jay-Z : Reggie Bush"

BDD: Don Cheadle

Drew said something about this being a sleeper pick. Cheadle's coolness cannot be disputed but I think the real reason Drew went this route is because he's just so smitten by the Reign Over Me trailer.

Unsilent: Halle Berry

UM didn't give much in the way of explanation other than general slobbering. Maybe Halle can use her Storm weather controlling powers to make all this fucking snow go away.

flubby: Chris Rock

"Chappelle seems like a tweaker. He can't be my friend. I took Chris Rock because Shirley Hemphill is dead."

Ape: Mos Def

Amazing rapper and even a skilled actor. He also played the representative of the black delegation in Chappelle's racial draft, so he's a true figurehead. You can keep your retired rappers, CC.

All right. Nothing but entertainers. And Oprah. The NAACP and Bill Cosby are thrilled.

Round 2

Ape: Robert Mugabe

Before you criticize, I should at least get credit for picking a non-athlete/entertainer/rapper. Black murderous potentate is the new black head coach. I think he can get over the whole "white devil" thing. And while Zimbabwe isn't a thriving country by any means, controlling all the resources of even a poor country has to be worth something.

flubby: George Clinton

A fine pick, I must admit. At this point, we're all just astounded that Berman didn't tip any of these picks, mainly because we'd have to go a Brazilion rounds before any of us considered taking TJ.

Unsilent: Russell Simmons

Lots to like here: Hip-hop pioneer, activist, former husband of Hines Ward's fantasy girl. But Simmons is a vegan and Unsilent has already polished off a quarter chicken through the first round of this thing.

BDD: Michael Jordan

Drew knows Jordan can market anything, even Tupperware shits and beer guts. Jordan can school Drew in the wonders of adultery, among other things.

CC: Barack Obama

"Dude might be the next president; seems approachable and humorous; Dan Shanoff likes him."

MMP: Will Smith

The actor/rapper and not the Saints defensive end. Clearly MMP is going for the "non-threatening to white people and earners of large sums of money" angle.

Round 3

MMP: Gabrielle Union

Or not. Union is sexy and a talented actr...okay, she's talented at being sexy.

CC: Clinton Portis

"I desperately wanted Rihanna with this pick, but ultimately felt it was a wiser choice to go with the Miami alum with the stripper pole in his basement."

BDD: Big Boi

Drew immediately claimed victory in the draft with this pick of, he said, the most talented member of Outkast. Caveman and Unsilent strenuously object, aver that Andre 3000 is the most Southernplayaistic. Says Caveman: "Of course, I'm gay for things like style, so that counts extra for me."

Unsilent: Tiger Woods

Unsilent surprisingly spurns Gilbert Arenas, who later vows to torch UM for 50 points in Madden.

"Say what you want about his surly demeanor or his chess club celebrations, he's still a cool guy. I love golf and with Tiger at my side I could play anywhere in the world. My dream foursome would include Tiger, Elin, and Elin's (single?) twin sister Josephin--yeah, I'm all over that. Downside: Jimmy Roberts hiding in my bushes. "

flubby: Black Jesus

flubby didn't elaborate too much with this one, so we all just took it to mean he was picking Morgan Freeman.

Ape: Zadie Smith

She's beautiful and brilliant. And British, if you'll excuse the cheap alliteration. White Teeth is a great novel and I heard On Beauty was as well.

So there you have it. Let us know who you think might have won (racism, possibly) and who we should have taken. Like me, ferinstance. Robert Mugabe? What the fuck was I thinking?

65 comments:

Danny G said...

No 50 Cent? You guys scared of getting shot?

grungedave said...

no O.J.?

John Shotter said...

Funny reading this.

Every year my freinds and I do an "annual wife draft" where we get a wife for every day of the week (except Sunday (one needs one's rest after all)) and, in addition, numerous "specialty spots" to fill. With regard to the specialty spots, the particular woman can either have the skills needed in real life, or, in the alternative, possess them in a movie role she played. However, there are no supernatural powers allowed.

Good times but it really stretches the research skills to find a "game warden" and a "yacht captain".

http://annualwifedraft.blogspot.com

You can't access it, but, I just wanted to post the address to demonstrate my veracity.

JoshLove said...

Drew's right about Big Boi.

however, I think if "Black Jesus" means STAT then Flubby wins. hell, I think Flubby wins either way. George Clinton was the most inspired choice of the entire draft.

peter king crowned my ass said...

MMP, between your three picks, you might have one entire black person.

the dude said...

Beyonce graces the cover of SI swimsuit and no mention...for shame!

WeJamEcono said...

It time for a Whitey Gras!

Jackin'4Beats said...

What about Louis Farrakhan? What? You white devils scared of the truth???

HAHA

Oh and UM isn't black? I feel so duped, bamboozled, led astray, run amok...

I need to go lie down now.

Awful Chief said...

The winner has to be Flubby. Too bad Lamar Thomas wasn't taken...he's so well spoken!

BJ said...

I should have been on this list. A black person who reads blogs, although that might have disqualified me from the get go...

Luckless Pedestrian said...

No one took The Assimilated Negro? For shame...

highonLowe said...

I could tell from the all the links that this was Christmas Ape

Mike said...

Ape, you're gonna regret taking Mugabe. In weeks, he's taking over your squad, collectivizing your farms, chaining you to his desk and referring to you as his "wittle, white poodle." Trouble all over.

The Penalty Kill said...

Webster! Small and portable, perfect for all your Black Drafting needs.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

I want President Palmer - not the wimpy current one, but the real ass-kicking one that got shot last season.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

By the way, who's taking Tim Hardaway???

McFad said...

No mayor Ray Nagin?

I would take Jamie Foxx over Will Smith hos work in Booty Call alone would make the pick. And I guess he won an oscar and was nominated for some grammys

Unsilent Majority said...

my friends and caveman's friends could combine for one hell of a party.

Dave said...

No Flavor-Flav?
no Eminem? what do you mean that he doesn't count?

But seriously, Samuel L. Jackson would smoke all your picks.
"Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time."

John Shotter said...

two words

Richard Roundtree

Chris said...

Prince?

BJ said...

J Shotter: Louis Gossett Jr. would like to have a word with you...

Jackin'4Beats said...

Fred "The Hammer" Williamson.

1) Black
2) Ex-Football Player

I win.

Samuel L is a great choice for nearly everything. He's a cool cat. And he likes saying cold-blooded sh*t.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

John Shotter said...

bj - Are you referring to Gunny Foley? Well, I outranked him.

Otto Man said...

Ah, Will Smith. "The black man everyone at work can agree on."

Basshole said...

I'm surprised theBigO hasn't jumped all over this yet...

Bill From MIA said...

What about Carl Everett? Who wouldn't want to live in a world without Dinosaurs

the butler said...

I think Gabrielle Union slipped way too far. If Drew had picked her instead of Cheadle I think he would have won. You must have hotness.

Give me her, Shock G (aka Humpty Hump), and Shaq.

McFad said...

First Round I'd Take Jamie Foxx, then Carl Weathers, Finally Nelson Mandela if he's still alive.

Jizzy McPoo said...

1: Kunta Kinte
2: Tooty from the "Facts of Life"
3: Little Black Sambo

TheBigO said...

Basshole, are you really?

Thanks for sharing.

save the steagles said...

Caveman's crew would definitely throw the best parties, with Jay providing the Budweiser, Obama supplying the illegal drugs, and Portis' aforementioned stripper pole.

BigRicks said...

Kerry Washington

She just does it for me, has since Boston Public.

These kind of things always turn into a "ideal female" draft. I would have gone Prince with my first round pick though.

BigTDog said...

Oh. I would've used a first round pick on Charles Barkley. Drinker, Gambler, Funnyguy extraordinaire. And someone I could beat at golf.

Actually, if you opened it up to all races I might take Chuck with my first pick still.

Christmas Ape said...

I was looking hard at Kerry Washington in the third round, BigRicks.

Then after the draft was over, I was looking hard at her again.

Clutch247 said...

Hey MMP,

I'm not quite sure about Will Smith...He smuggles more bone than a Tim Hardaway nightmare.

Unsilents list is an all star cast, he left me wanting a round 4.

Mushsports.com

Big Daddy Drew said...

I never said Big Boi was the more talented one. He's the one that smokes dope and supplies thick-in-the-britches women. So he wins.

Unsilent Majority said...

Charles was one of the three guys I considered in the last spot. Apologies to Gilbert, I'm just not down with Halo and all that stuff.

J.L. White said...

BDD may have the coolest group there, but UM takes the cake, with his Halle Berry/Elin's twin sister threesome. It was a close call.

Of course, the real winner is: Whoever would have drafted Samuel L. Jackson.

MDG said...

1. LL Cool J
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Carl from the Simpsons

Kevin Doyle said...

Where is Wayne Brady? THat guys is as cool as it gets!

Babydaddy said...

I second Richard Roundtree. Samuel L. is but a poor imitation. Double R threw Leroy out the window, man.

becky said...

goddamn skipping class and reading this too late to make MY pick as Sir Charles. and then Samuel L. and also not getting to be the one to make a thebigo joke. falco jokes anyone? I hear he's writing for DeadOn now... anyone...? anyone...?

the butler said...

He smuggles more bone than a Tim Hardaway nightmare

Bravo. Sir.

MDG said...

Somewhere Mark Cooper shakes his head and wonders why no one is hanging with him anymore.

KillBillWirtz said...

UM didn't select himself?

Leonard Peltier said...

Dark horse of the draft....Tracy Morgan.

country blumpkin said...

Lando Calrissian blew up the fucking death star. He's more meastly than Mugabe and has better hair than black Jesus.

Blagadaga said...

Top 3 free agents:

3. Gordon from Sesame Street
2. Lawrence "Larry" Fishburn as "Cowboy Curtis"
1. Rick James

Lovetron7 said...

Gotta take Cornell West and Aaron McGruder, no one inspires guilt in both blacks and whites like those guys. Put them at guard and shooting guard and the opposing team just meekly looks at their shoes and apologizes for being racist/letting down the movement.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I like Aaron McGruder, but no one screams Black Power like Huey Freeman.

Darkness!!!!! The never shoulda gave y'all n-----s money!

FUNNY AS HELL!

The Black Death will be making an appearance at Falco's funeral only if Chazz Reinhold is going to be there too.

TheBigO said...

"and also not getting to be the one to make a thebigo joke."


Too bad, get up earlier biatch.

Christmas Ape said...

I like Aaron McGruder as well, because, like myself, he was raised in the MD 'burbs and is a Terp. However, my friend chatted him up once and said he's an unhealthy Star Wars dork.

Mike said...

Shouldn't Chef have gone in the 3rd round?

Unsilent Majority said...

he's not black he's a scientologist.

dbvader said...

Draft Aisha Tyler. Funny, hot and wears see through dresses, and likes white dudes.

dbvader said...

http://tinyurl.com/ysqtaa

Unsilent Majority said...

Only two of us drafted truly beautiful women (apparently four of us have mental problems). I like Ms. Tyler but she's nowhere near my top ten. I'd sooner take Ciara, Alicia Keyes, and Beyonce.

rar288 said...

BDD, thankyou for making my day with Don Cheadle being a "sleeper pick" to be your black friend!

I gotta go with James Earl Jones. Who the fuck doesn't want Darth Vader as their friend? And fuck you, he was great in Field of Dreams. I fucking hate that movie though.

Jez said...

I call foul: Obama isn't a black man.

Matt T said...

Big Boi > 3000.

3000 doesn't eat meat, drink or smoke.

I'd much rather hang out with Big Boi.

Jackin'4Beats said...

UM's got the fever for the flavor... NIIIIIIIIIIIICE.

I agree with all your picks sir.

dbvader said...

Jill Marie Jones. She is a former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader and has an ass that could stop traffic.

http://tinyurl.com/2p5dyq

quisqueya said...

got to go with mandigo, coño
and to imitators

Coltrane Jenkins said...

Ape, nice pics... Zadie Smith (classy), Mod Def (underappreciated). Could have done without the Mugabe pic. A few others that you forgot:

- Rashida Jones (“Karen” from the office)
- Barack was taken… what about Condi Rice? I’m serious. She knows her football and she could bomp the Middle East with the snap of her fingers (you don’t really think W runs stuff in the white house). Or Harold Ford. He could at least get you into the Playboy Superbowl parties.
- Cornell West – scholar and winner of the “nappy afro” award