Thursday, February 1, 2007

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Prince


During the course of the year, I have had the good fortune to sit down and "chat" with the occasional NFL player or two. Well, as we wrap up this 2006/very-small-portion-of-2007 season, we have scored our biggest name of all: the one and only Prince. Read on...

Big Daddy Drew: Holy fuck! Holy fuckity fucking fuck! It's fucking Prince! Holy shitballs! You are fucking awesome. I love you man. If you wanted to stick your penis in me, I wouldn't even quibble. I mean it. I'd like it.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Actually, would U mind if I talked 2 U entirely in Prince shorthand?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: In a way, U sort of pioneered text messaging and email shorthand. Would U mind if I punched U in the face?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: We're both from Minnesota. Did U know Tim Morsman? He was a really nice guy.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Let's get serious 4 a moment. Bomani Jones of ESPN wrote an article recently detailing that U need Ur hip replaced. R there no longer 23 positions in a 1 night stand for U?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: 'Cause all I can see with a bum hip R the Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl. That's like, 1 and a half.
Prince: (says nothing)


Drew: What the fuck ever happened 2 Sheena Easton? "So Far, So Good" my ass.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Did Sheila E ever get 2 lead a glamorous life? Because I think she probably works at Boston Market these days.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Sometimes when I masturbate, I sing "Kiss" to myself. Is that odd?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: My name is Drew. Am I funky?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: I love that song "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World". Don't you think Sarah Spain is a lousy fucking whore?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: U once wrote the word SLAVE on Ur cheek to protest Ur recording contract with Warner Brothers. How badly did the two Warner Brothers whip U when U fucked up in the cotton field?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: U also, of course, once changed Ur name 2 an unpronounceable symbol. I would like 2 do the same. My symbol is an enormous cock. And, like, there R lightning bolts where the pubes should B. And it's shooting out pure sour mash. What do U think?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: U 1ce sang: "I'm not a woman. I'm not a man. I am something that U'll never understand." I think there is actually a word for this, and I think Jamie Lee Curtis was born the same way. U should, like, call her and shit.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Was "Dirty Mind" about Rex Grossman?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: The beginning of "Let's Go Crazy" makes me think about death. Like, when U die, Ur dead forever. It never ends. Even if it's in Heaven. Or even if Ur reincarnated. U still have to deal with eternity. And that really fucks my shit up. Can U never write shit like that again? It freaks me out, man.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: I know "Little Red Corvette" is a sexual allegory. But I'm confused. Is the car a woman, or is it just her smokin' hot vagina?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: "Batdance": What the fuck?
Prince: (says nothing)


Drew: I know Ur wondering where all the raspberry women have gone. But I do know where other fruit-related women are. U can find tons of banana women in the East Village. And lots of melon women in San Fernando Valley. And I would definitely refer to Gwen Stefani and Debra Messing as "grape women". You get my drift?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: How proud were U that "Delirious" inspired the John Candy movie of the same title? He woke up in his own soap opera! With Emma fucking Samms and everything!
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: When doves cry, I don't actually think it sounds like 2 family members fighting. I think it probably sounds more like EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYEEECHHHHH!!! Ur thoughts?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Ur a Jehovah's Witness. Can I just tell U in advance that I'm not really interested the pamphlet Ur going 2 inevitably give me?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Was the song "Cream" really just about dairy products?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: I know this is the Super Bowl, but: Boy versus Girl in the World Series of Love: WHO U GOT?!
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Ur last hit was "Cinnamon Girl". Why cover some pussyass Neil Young song? Ur fucking Prince, motherfucker!
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Let's talk about the game. Last year, the Stones played halftime. U and Mick Jagger in a PussyOff: who wins?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Who do you like in the game? Or do you see the game at some sort of ethereal level I can't really understand? Because I could see you picking The Ripe Swan to win and having it totally making sense.
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Doesn't Peyton Manning represent the opposite of everything you stand for?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: There are two black coaches in this Super Bowl. But neither one is very funky. If I got Tony Dungy a pair of assless chaps, would that spice things up a bit?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Can I kiss U?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Okay, then. Ur body's heck-a-slammin'. Can we get to rammin'?
Prince: (says nothing)

Drew: Prince, this was tremendous. Thanks U a million times over. U were way better than that douchebag Diddy. Fuck him.
Prince: (says nothing)

24 comments:

Monday Morning Punter said...

Prince is such a fucking windbag. Hopefully he signed your press junket so you can auction off on eBay.

The Last Unitard said...

Paul Westerberg would have let you kiss him.

Grimey said...

Drew: I know this is the Super Bowl, but: Boy versus Girl in the World Series of Love: WHO U GOT?!

God damn. Seriously, God damn.

BigRicks said...

I think I might get your symbol tatooed on my back.

Robin said...

Actually, Prince's song has nothing to do with Neil Young's song.

And for the record, I read this at work right after a conference call in which I had shared my browser window. And I forgot to break the sharing connection. And someone had to IM me to tell me they could still see it. Fuckity fucking fuck.

devang said...

Let's talk about the game. Last year, the Stones played halftime. U and Mick Jagger in a PussyOff: who wins?

No one can touch the cumslinger

The Andre Waters Experience said...

Bob Mould and the dude with the mustache from Husker Du would _definitely_ have let you kiss them.

As for his pick, he's made it, clearly:

"I like 'em fat/
I like 'em ro-ou-ou-ound/
You got to have a mother for me/
so move your big ass round this way/
so I can work on that zipper, baby"

I mean, it doesn't get any clearer than that, folks: the kid's a fan of the Sex Cannon.

The Last Unitard said...

Actually, the dude with the mustache was the only non-gay one.

Chris said...

Prince makes me weak in the knees.

McFad said...

Bill Simmons would have gave you tongue without you asking

Landru said...

I think Sarah Spain is probably more of a handjob whore. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

mistermeastyspleen said...

You call this journalism? You didn't even ask him what Appleonia's big floppy titties tasted like. Asshat.

Grimey said...

mistermeastyspleen: I'm guessing "like bags of sand."

swing4 said...

Drew, you're the king.

Total BS said...

Strange interview, seems like he wasn't even participating at all.

Mike said...

Tony Dungy in assless chaps is just wrong.

I rolled with Romo fucking Peter King, Rex locking an underaged Asian girl in his footlocker, and even Tom Brady & Brett Favre double-teaming Barbara Bush (oh wait, that was mine). But this Dungy in the assless chaps . . .

It's just a cheek too far, Drew.

save the steagles said...

I'm a little disappointed you didn't ask him if he wanted to be your lover, brother, mother, your sister too.

josh said...

If Prince was your boyfriend, you would let him dress you...in a vintage Jeff Feagles jersey, with unexplainable purple sparkles. (Hey, hey.) With unexplainable purple sparkles.

micronaut said...

So did you ever find out if he knows Tim Morsman?

Tranny McHardpenis said...

Over/Under on # of revealed Prince halftime nipples?

Mike said...

Tranny - That picture is a crime against nature. You're slowing killing us and destroying our way of life every time you post a comment.

Why do you hate America?

highonLowe said...

Looks like I'll be taking shots exclusively during halftime, b/c I do not give a flying fuck about Prince's halftime performance.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Drew can be the president
I'd rather be the Pope

stopmikelupica said...

Well done, Drew. U were made 2 write.

The Batdance wasn't that bad. Just saying, it was actually quite funky...