Thursday, February 22, 2007

F--k You, Award Me.


Ok, I know I've gone over this before, but I feel it's something I need to stress.

You must get me a goddamn Oscar.

I've taking this to the legions of our nation's football fans because you, if anyone, understand the notion of a meritocracy. As such, you know that those who reach the uppermost plateau of achievement are those who truly belong, not some media darling people assume deserve something by pedigree. Just look: a gritty, unassuming team like the Colts just won the Super Bowl, for the love of fuck.

See, what I'm driving at here, wise-ass son of a bitch, is that a grave injustice is being done every year I don't get that award. I'm one of the four directors whose names you know, and that's why I know I can count on you.

Also, what I like about you guys is that you don't have high-flown notions of what a Best Picture film should be. There's no Hollywood politicking. None of that shit. No campaigns, no last minutes surges or what the fuck. Admit it, my movie was one of three you saw last year. You saw The Departed, you saw the new Rocky movie and you saw Borat. You might have seen that high school football movie with the Rock and the other coloreds, I don't know. Bear with me.

Yeah, okay, I know, Borat made you laugh and, yes, between guffaws, you though about the festering racism that lurks just beneath the patina of normalcy that is American life. It's omnipresent, that stuff. It also had that nasty 69 scene (stolen from me!) and a few quotes you can repeat ad nauseum to your hungover friends working on the factory floor. DON'T TRY TO REMEMBER THEM!

The new Rocky movie wasn't as horrendously bad as you might have feared, and that's really all you can recall about it. If you recall, it was only the original Rocky that beat out Taxi Driver for an Oscar. DON'T TRY TO REMEMBER IT!


But then, my movie. A true paragon of cinematic achievement. A masterstroke of Hong Kong film remakery. Virtuosic, even. Tarantino, that little fuck, is impressed.

I mean, remember the head shots? There were at least 10 of them.

Patriot Act jokes? That's fucking topical. Does that mean nothing to you? You had your head up your ass watching Bridge to Terabithia since 9/11, is that it?

That's what I do. Make gory, nay, visceral films with snazzy jazz soundtracks. Always have.


Ok, I could understand in years past when I lost out to stellar films like Dances With Wolves, but look at the parade of schlock they got me going up against this year:

Babel is a bunch of scarcely interlocking, depressing nonsense with some vaguely geopolitical undertones. It had nice young Japanese girl tits in it, but, overall, totally unfocused. Babel is like hippie ADD.

Little Miss Sunshine features a 10-year-old acting like a prostitute. I tried that with Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. Let me tell ya, doesn't win you any awards.

The Queen was some overwrought bullshit about the reaction to Princess Diana getting killed. Coulda used some negro junkies, I think. No. Wait. Maybe. Yes., okay - scratch that. But it would have been somewhat compelling, except she dies in a car accident. Where are all the head shots? Rogue paparazzo with PTSD from some war photography - I don't know, work with me -whips out a Desert Eagle and splatters her royal head all over the street. Do you know what a .44 Magnum would do to a vagina movie? People would watch that.

And, finally, that squinty fucker Clint Eastwood is back trying to rip another statuette from my mythic grasp like he did two years ago with "Girlfight II: Now With Less Michelle Rodriguez." Listen, if you want to watch a movie that humanizes people trying to kill American troops, I think you're sick. At least my movie has Americans shooting up fellow Americans. In the head.

Ok, we done here? Great, now I have to plead with the NASCAR people. Dumb fucking mental midgets are probably still hoping Brokeback doesn't win this year either.

27 comments:

save the steagles said...

Give that man an Oscar! That sweaty, dirty, and delicious love scene filled me with dreams of Leo not known since the days of my pre-teen Titanic obsession.

lieutenant winslow said...

yeah, fucking cranberry juice. you got a fucking problem with that?!?!?!

Awful Chief said...

Got change for a nickel?

QueeferSuthrland said...

Now go home and get your fucking shine box.

Signal to Noise said...

"Girlfight II: Now With Less Michelle Rodriguez."

An accurate assessment of that piece of shit movie.

Your father called you 'the tumor.'

If Marty doesn't win this year (for director and picture), he has the right to gun down the first five rows live on national TV.

Rob I said...

Eat a cock, Scorsese. I don't care how badly you've been robbed in the past but you ain't gettin' no career achievement award this year. You know, Hitchcock never won an Oscar either. Enough with the eyebrows already, we get it. Greengrass is gonna win for United 93, because he knows how to end a fucking movie.

devang said...

It does not even makes sense that he remade a movie that's only 4 years old (Infernal Affairs) AND he copied it almost scene-for-scene.

So, no, as great as the cast may be, he DOES NOT deserve the gay superbowl trophy.

Happy Fun Miles said...

I'll give you the Oscar only if O'Toole wins as well, and you bathe one another in Christal and bang each other with your statues on E! for two days following. Get Helen Mirren in for a Three-Way sag fest.

THAT would be entertainment.

My, I'm sick in the head today.

TheBigO said...

"as great as the cast may be"


What you mean that line up of hollywood usual suspects, no talent jerkoffs who have nothing more on their resumes than "I'm white". Fuck that.

Scorsese is a fuckin douchebag, and a racist. Fuck that jackass, lifetime achievement for two decent flicks (Goodfellas & Taxi Driver) that wouldn't have been shit without Deniro, please, eat a dick punk.

devang said...

Right, Nicholson is a no talent hack. I'll give you Marky Mark. I think DiCaprio has proved his worth.

Sounds like a comment from the NOI blog.

Lest you think I'm another white guy, defending white guys, I'm not. Nor am I black.

Chris said...

He deserve for the pure fact that I can now watch Matt Damon get shot in the face in super slow mo over and over again.

TheBigO said...

I forgot Jack was in that movie, I wasn't talking about Jack I was talking about the walking headshots that are Damon, Dicaprio, and Wahlburg. But great job arguing about the one dude I missed. Brilliant, if you give Jack a pass my argument still stands. Thanks for reminding me that Jack Nicholson is now taking bullshit roles to pay his kids' car notes.

flubby said...

I don't give a rat's dick about the Oscars, but Mean Streets is money. DeNiro and Harvey Keitel (Plus Richie Aprile from the Sopranos). Kickass soundtrack. The blueprint for his later masterpieces.

Plus the loanshark is Damone from Fast Times' brother. Good stuff.

Mike said...

At this point Marty's just an average nobody. He gets to live the rest of his life like a schnook.

He gets ungatz.

Otto Man said...

Big O, did you even see the movie? Ray Winstone, Martin Sheen and Anthony Anderson are also incredible in it. And yeah, with the exception of Anderson, those guys are white. Which will happen when you make a movie about the Boston Irish.

As for all the other haters, suck it. The man has one of the most prolific careers of the last 25 years -- Mean Streets, Boxcar Bertha, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Taxi Driver, Last Waltz, Raging Bull, After Hours, Last Temptation of Christ, The Age of Innocence, Kundun, Bringing Out the Dead, Gangs of New York, The Aviator, and now The Departed.

Name me another director with that kind of track record and range.

TheBigO said...

Gangs of new york, was gay and he "convieniently" left out what that actual situation in american history was about. The Aviator was fuckin stupid and very VERY slow, plus who gives a rats ass about Howard Hughes. Raging Bull was decent, and he doesn't get credit for the Departed because that was a remake, stuffed full of white pretty boys so that white America would buy it, it was 10 times better as a Hong Kong action flick, although someone mentioned that at least we get to see Matt Damon get Gallaghered. I think Scorsese is a very Mediocre director, but like your love for him, that is just my opinion. You mention alot of movies that he made at least a dozen and I can dig maybe 3, that's a terrible record, calling him mediocre is too kind. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Otto Man said...

Fair enough. But I've seen "Infernal Affairs" and Scorsese's version is -- in my opinion -- much better.

Grimey said...

By the way, Reservoir Dogs is much better than City On Fire.

And Bringing Out The Dead was terrible.

Bulger in My Pants said...

He deserve for the pure fact that I can now watch Matt Damon get shot in the face in super slow mo over and over again.

God, no kidding. By the end I was ready to break my television if he didn't at least get maimed. Whiny little bitch.

Greg Schuler said...

Do you know who lives up there?

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Nothing against The Departed or his body of work, but I hope Scorsese loses again just to see that absolutely horrified goggle-eyed expression on his face. "What, AGAIN? Who the fuck do I have to blow here, Jesus!"

And remember Jon Stewart's (only good) line from last year's Oscars--"For those keeping score at home, that's Scorsese 0, Three Six Mafia 1."

KillBillWirtz said...

I taught that guy how to shave.

dusty said...

Well, is does suck to be him don't it? Get drunk and move the fuck on.Take a cue from one of your characters, hollywood types do that shit all the time. Look at Joe fatfuck Estherhaus.

Grimey said...

Whatever... Jon Stewart rocked that shit.

Michael said...

Wait, The Departed sucked monkey balls compared to Infernal Affairs.

In Infernal Affairs 1, the bad guy gets away with it. In IA2, they show us how it's done. I didn't see IA3 because everybody said that sucked - but apparently the bad guy gets caught. Infernal Affairs 1, was fucking art, and Scorsese turned it into typical Hollywood Morality Play.

Dickens Cider said...

Wait, wait...Damon gets shot in that movie? Give that man the Oscar!!!

Runs With Two Horses said...

What a racist column. First Anthony Anderson gets completely overlooked for his unbelieveable performance in Kangaroo Jack, and now all you assholes want to hand Scorcese an Oscar when Anderson carried this damn movie.

As a side note, how badly do you think Ben Affleck tried to get cast as one of Matt Damon's cop buddies? He probably read for the part and then Scorcese just kept thinking, "he's perfect for this, just perfect! But if I'm serious about getting an Oscar, I can't let Ben Affleck anywhere near this thing."