Monday, February 19, 2007

Norv Hired as Head Coach, Seau to Play Quarterback

One of these men has a lovely complexion, the other will be coaching the Chargers.


Dear NFL Gods,

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Really, this is a dream come true (technically the dream had Norville in Dallas but this is still pretty funny) and I've got to give you guys all the credit in the world. Who else but the mysterious spirits in the sky would go out of their way to ensure the hilarity that is the Norv Turner experience. The befuddled expressions, the laissez-faire locker room, and the total lack of institutional control...He's back BABY!

Sincerely,
A Norv Survivor


Could they have picked a worse candidate? Submit your ideas in the comments!

46 comments:

Ryan Reynolds said...

Sure, they *could* have hired a worse candidate, but Dennis Green and Art Shell got lost on the way to the interview, and Cam Cameron got a gig in Miami.

That pretty well takes out the three shittiest prospects.

Christmas Ape said...

Since the Chargers are clearly going with failed '90s Redskins coaches, I'll have to say Richie Pettibone.

Unsilent Majority said...

well that was quick, ape just picked my favorite candidate.

lifetime record of 4-12...fantastic

Grimey said...

Norv Turner looks like he's Junior Seau's white friend.

Signal to Noise said...

Please. Pettibone's got nothin' on Kotite.

I still believe Norv gave the league Manning Face before we really knew what it was. I look forward to seeing it on the sidelines.

Signal to Noise said...

Never mind the above Kotite statement -- clearly Pettibone has him beat badly.

king of the herculoids said...

at least it wasn't dick vermeil, that would have meant a drop in defense so bad that they wouldn't see the playoffs again in years...at least now they'll have maybe one good year with the team he inherited

danny said...

what? corky from life goes on wasn't available?

The Last Unitard said...

I've got a new concept that I think could work.

Why choose one shitty retread head coach when you can have several shitty head coaches rolled up into one to form a super coach?

What you do is kidnap Kotite, Groh, Green, Shell, Pettibone, Tice, and Haslett... tie them all together real tight... cook them at about 4500 degrees for half an hour... and when you're done you have one great coach.

Make sure you use an odd number of shitty coaches in this recipe. An even number will result in a really, really shitty coach.

doug_plank said...

Isn't Buddy Ryan sitting somewhere in KY with a headset still on?

MDG said...

Shannon Sharpe wanted to stay in the studio.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Ha, mdg and I think alike.

word verif: oglgjov - a "compliment" Sharpe would have given his ST as they came off the field.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, my first thought was Kotite, too.

Can I nominate the zombie corpse of John McKay?

Rob I said...

What's Wayne Fontes been up to?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I hear Steve Spurrier is still on the market. Hey UM, so you hate Petitbone more than Spurrier? That's got to be a toss-up since they screwed your squad about equally.

Dennis Erickson for Chargers head coach!!!

Unsilent Majority said...

I don't hate either. Petitbon was one of the great coordinators we've ever had and I can never truly hate Spurrier. I'm a Gator fan baby!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Unrelated topic...but there's got to be some good humor in here somewhere.

http://60minutes.yahoo.com/segment/41/kenny_chesney

SuperFrankieLampard said...

i will forever hate turner for what he did to Our Beloved Redskins. that said, i sent in my resume for this job and i think it shows a lack of class on the chargers' part that i had to find out i wasn't hired through media reports.

Tea Blogger said...

Only Barry Switzer would have been a better hire.
Didn't the Chargers have a steroid scandal, a cough med shipping scandal, and a drunken linebacker shot by the police scandal?
I predict big things for the San Diego police blotter. They'll be like the new Bengals.

Rob I said...

Using my rudimentary understanding of the French language, Petitbon translates literally to "little good".

Mike said...

Do I hear an Art Shell?

J.L. White said...

Norv Turner? Art Shell? RICH KOTITE?! What the hell have these coaches ever accomplished? Now, if the Chargers want to invest in a horrible, just beyond-shitty head coach, and one with two Super Bowl rings to mask the stench, then I nominate Tom Flores. Hey, remember the o-line the Seahawks had back then? Think LDT would love running behind the likes of Ray Roberts?

Grimey said...

Is Joe Bugel still alive?

Unsilent Majority said...

jl- flores has three rings. player, assistant coach, and head coach.

grimey- kinda

rar288 said...

Man...so much for the 2007 Charger Defense...

Gigantasour is gonna have to call the plays himself.

Or Junior Seau.

That Guy said...

Its unreal how bad this signing is. And with Ted Cottrell as Defensive Coordinator to boot. 4th worst Team Defense in the league in '04/'05 with Minny. Wow.


Think about this for a second: Turner is a fan of a power running game and a downfield passing game.

LT isn't a power runner, SD has no WR's or a QB to get the ball downfield.

This is amazing.

Awful Chief said...

Those are some grande craters...i bet gilbert brown could sleep in norv turner's face.

J.L. White said...

UM - I've been busy at work, but I did feel compelled (obsessively so) to get my facts straight.....I did find Flores was the head coach of 2 Super Bowl-winning teams (1981 against the Iggles, then 1984 against your own 'skins). What he did as a player or assistant coach matters not to me. There, I'm glad I got a chance to waste 30 seconds of everyone's time.

Uncle JR said...

Hey, what about (S)Marty (We'll take the wind in OT) Morningwheg?

micah said...

at least all he has to do now in san diego is not majorly fuck things up

Ookdilla said...

How about Jim Mora? He is 0-6 lifetime in the Playoffs. Not quite as bad as Marty, but pretty close.

Or, they could pick Howard Schnellenberger. His name is certainly the closest you can get to Schottenheimer.

CSG said...

Coach Ryan Leaf.

Unsilent Majority said...

touche

LL Cool Adam J said...

I hear Glen Mason has some free time.

Proinsias Cassidy said...

What's Bruce Coslet doing these days? Last I heard, was the O.C. in Dallas... All I rememebr about him was his stylish haircut and being really awesome at utter shit (I was a Jets fan briefly to piss my dad off).

The Pirate Sloth said...

Why not get JayZ to be the coach? He's already proven in-depth football ka-nowledge by creating fantastic footwear for the NFL as well as providing excellent commentary up in the booth.

On a side note - has a kicker/punter ever gone on to be an assistant/head coach? I can't think of any off the top of my head.

word verif: licjsbp - Sharpe's comment on Irvin leaving/getting-kicked-off ESPN.

Lionel McClure said...

Michael Irvin is the clear choice here. I'm pretty positive he has several suits that would match the Chargers' baby blue uniforms, as well as numerous others with lightning bolts on them. Also, his drug abuse will take attention away from Merriman's.

JG said...

What do Dan Marino's autistic kid, Mike Irvin's crack pipe and an inanimate carbon rod have in common? Norv hired all three on his staff.

HadesGigas said...

glanville? is he dead?

Signal to Noise said...

Ron Rivera falls into their lap and they make him linebackers coach/Gigantosaur keeper, not D-coordinator.

The Spanos family and A.J. Smith are even dumber than I thought.

micah - bwahahaha, right; Norv not majorly fucking things up. He's not capable of doing anything else.

Mike said...

+1 Signal to Noise.

BTW hadesgigas, Glanville is D-Co at the University of Hawaii.

wv: ehoyt - The sound of puking Chargers fans.

casserolemistake said...

if Mike Tice were coach Terrence Kiel would be pushing roofies, and nothing says 'team' like gang rape hijinks.

anyone else think Bruce Coslet is Dr. Octopus?

Jez said...

Really, I didn't see any better candidate out there. You would prefer maybe Ron Rivera? Shit, that motherfucker was such a great prospect that he is now looking for a dayjob!

Both Jerry Jones and whoever is running the fucking Chargers need to be ousted, or else coach their own fucking teams.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

What? Terry Robiskie couldn't shake the interim tag?

dusty said...

The ball and chain locked up all the sharp objects and the hand gun the day this was announced.

I am still recovering from it.

The frontal lobotomy might work..we are getting a second opinion next week.

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