Around this time every year my hopes begin to soar and every year they fall harder than an ex-Cowboy in detox. The fucking writers, they always suck me in to their Hall of LIES! False tales of Art Monk's potential enshrinement gets me every damn time and now I'm looking for some fuckin' answers. Who better to question than the Grand Poobah of the
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes selection committee, Len Pasquarelli.
UM: Len, I'd like to thank you for joining me today for some enlightened discourse.
LP: You may.
UM: Excuse me?
LP: You said you'd like to thank me. You have my permission to do so.
UM: Uh, thanks.
UM: Right. Let's get right to the heart of the issue. Why can't Art Monk get into the Hall of Fame?
LP: I'm sorry I stopped listening after "Ar-" and I just had a feeling where you were headed. I'm sick of hearing about that fucker from all of his pitiful fans.
UM: So were you always a douchebag or did this an adult-onset kind of thing?
LP: I've made a huge mistake.
UM: No seriously, you used to be one of the most respected football writers in the country. Then one day the douche factor began a rapid escalation. Did something terrible happen to you six years ago? Did Marv Albert bite you?
LP: You smug pricks are all the same, you know very well that six years ago I joined ESPN to make them the Worldwide Leader In Sports.
UM: That's right...So Sean Salisbury bit you?
LP: Nobody bit me you insolent bastard, nothing changed except for my place of business.
UM: So which part of ESPN's employment contract contains the Shithead Clause and how come Harold didn't have to abide?
LP: I cannot discuss the terms of my contract in this forum, you are not worthy of such knowledge. You're just a fan, you mean nothing to the game of football. I've won awards!
UM: Who hasn't? You know kind of look like Chief Wiggum when you're angry. Do you own a Proud Nubian Princess t-shirt?
LP: I think I'll be leaving now.
UM: Sorry Len, your nurse won't be back to pick you up for another hour. Looks like you're stuck with us.
Part 1 of 2
(thanks to extremeskins.com and artmonk.wordpress.com for some great insights--more on this in the conclusion)