Friday, February 23, 2007

Why Are All These Quarterbacks So Gay? A Definitive Guide

Man, why are all these quarterbacks so gay? I don't understand how football can pretend it's the manliest of sports with the most homophobic locker rooms when every team is led by a flaming homosexual.

Peyton Manning. Queer. Yeah, he's married, but how many kids does he have? Zero, because he only has sex with dudes. Check this out: he once appeared onstage to sing with Kenny Chesney. And we all know singing is gay.

Don't get me started on Jeff Garcia. This guy is so gay he had to get engaged to the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare. What a crock. Why would a coveted nude pinup deign to marry a wealthy professional athlete? It just doesn't make sense. Everyone knows that a good beard is proportional in fame and hotness to the gay man she moonlights for. It's why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are such a joke, and why Tom Brady has most of America fooled.

Besides, Terrell Owens insinuated he was gay. If we can't trust T.O., who can we trust?

Speaking of Tom Brady...

Just look at him. Oh, sure, he's "dating" Gisele. Wink, wink. Are we really supposed to believe that he impregnated Bridget Moynahan? Get real. She's old and he's gay. How do I know? Well, for starters, he's good-looking and dresses well. That's fucking queer. Plus he was photographed holding a goat. And anyone photographed with a farm animal automatically likes bestiality, which is the same thing as being gay.

The evidence is just overwhelming. I can't believe more people don't realize it.

Donovan McNabb. Disliked by Rush Limbaugh; in commercials with his mother. Gay.

Chris Simms. Too easy. Next.

Tony Romo. Dimpled, attractive, youthful face = obviously gay. His public announcements of crushes on blonde pop starlets Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood were painfully contrived. Why? Because his favorite blond is Chris Simms. Did I just make that up? Probably.

Trent Green, Mark Brunell and Kurt Warner are all devoutly Christian, and we all know devoutly Christian = closet case. Well, except for Warner. There's nothing closeted about marrying a man.

Matt Leinart actually might not be gay, but now that he's slept with Paris Hilton, he's at least got the gay diseases.

People seem to think Rex Grossman has a way with the ladies, and they give him a lot of credit for being the Sex Cannon. More like the Butt Sex Cannon. Have you seen his eyebrows? That shit gets waxed twice a week, and tweezed daily. He's a three-dollar bill, my friends. A three-dollar bill.

Alex Smith. Women find him atractive. Thus, he is gay. (See also: David Carr, Philip Rivers)

My favorite gay quarterback is Matt Hasselbeck. He did a pretty good job of pretending he was straight for a long time, having a wife who gave birth a couple times to babies that he allegedly donated his sperm to. But then he took this picture:

And it is obvious, conclusive evidence that Matt Hasselbeck likes sex with men. It was probably his idea for him and Trent Dilfer (also gay) to take their shirts off. Also: black and white photography is gay.

J.P. Losman. Long hair. Loses a lot. Gay and gay.

Eli Manning was clearly sexually abused by his older brother. Hence his closeted self-loathing is taken out on the football field (where he is timid and cowardly) and in karaoke bars (where he is fabulous).

Michael Vick. NOT gay. Also: not really a quarterback. QED.

Joey Harrington plays the piano. See also: Elton John; Liberace.

Brett Favre has a long-running secret affair with columnist Peter King; Chad Pennington feathers his hair; Vince Young is a top; Brad Johnson is a bottom; Aaron Brooks is a queen; Ben Roethlisberger is a bear; Marc Bulger likes hard cock so much, he changed his last name to Bulger; Jay Cutler's mother cuts his hair [EDIT: see also Carson Palmer]; Byron Leftwich pretends to be injured just so his big, strong teammates will carry him downfield; Daunte Culpepper moved to Miami for the lifestyle opportunities in South Beach; Charlie Frye throws like a girl; Jake Delhomme is willing to try anything; Steve McNair actually uses Nair; and Drew Brees... hmm... I got nothin' on him. I guess he's the exception that proves the rule.

Gay, gay, gay, and gay. So there, John Amaechi. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You know, figuratively.

*Not included: Jon Kitna. I think he's some kind of asexual alien.

47 comments:

The Intern said...

Rexy is gonna fuck you for saying that.

Awful Chief said...

Nice work using 'QED'! I had no idea that you were a pretentious math professor.

John Kitna is in a synergistic asexual partnership with Morrissey.

rock_n_rye said...

I always thought Kurt Warner married Mrs. Papadopoulus from "Webster"

save the steagles said...

I may have had to wikipedia exactly what "bear" meant, but Ben is spot on what the article defined.

Big Jim Slade said...

If every QB in the NFL is a gaybo (minus Kitna), then what does that make the Centers?

Smello said...

I'm not sure Rexy is gay as much as he's simply indiscriminant.

And, really, what was the Dreamboat doing with the farm animals?!? At least the Hasselbeck/Dilfer spread can be called artistic...as well as homoerotic.

Jimmy said...

Well at least Kordell Stewart is 100% hetero, just like Ted Haggard

FenwayFaithful78 said...

+1 Rock n Rye

chrisrobbins said...

Thanks for leaving Carson Palmer out of this. He obviously frowns upon gay prison butt sex

Weed Against Speed said...

The Intern said...
Rexy is gonna fuck you for saying that.


Doesn't that confirm what Captain Caveman is claming? And a definite yes on Culpepper, that rat bastard.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Marc Bulger likes hard cock so much, he changed his last name to Bulger

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Awful Chief said...

Kurt Warner has to be Ferris Bueller's step father.

Chris said...

I didn't even need to read the article. When I saw the photo of Tom with the goat I knew what was going on.

peytonloveskenny said...

Wait, Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney are gay? Who knew?

Happy Fun Miles said...

Captain Caveman is clearly gay, as he spends much of his time in caves. Caves could mean a dark, quiet place to engage in homoeroticism, or the Cave he speaks of could be his own personal ass, wherein he will receive an explosion of man love from the Sex Cannon himself. Smello had it right. The Cannon doesn't discriminate.

Drew said...

C Palmer escaped the gay disease!! With roughly half the bengals living in the Hamilton county jail, it's good to know our QB is only seeing them in the visiting rooms, and not in the showers.

devang said...

Someone had a nice dream about being the meat in a CC and Sexy Rexy sandwich

HofC said...

No mention of Jason Campbell. Good thinking. UM might kill you.

Landru said...

I'm also glad Jason Campbell's not mentioned. Although clearly there's no association between straightness and decent football.

Of course Ufford's gay. He's got itchy sperm for Sarah Spain--who is clearly a MAN, baby.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Tossin' salads means eating out another man's a$$ with either jelly or syrup.

I have a feeling that Rexy prefers syrup. Brady? Definitely jelly.

How do I know these things? Why do you ask?

J.L. White said...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Matt Hasselbeck can't be gay! Please God, anyone but him! I mean, I want so badly for the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl, and it'll be impossible if some flimsy-wristed homo is in the pocket.

(Well, unless you discount Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Tom Brady, John Elway, Steve Young, Troy Aikman -- how gay is that last name? -- Phil Simms, Joe "I'm going upstairs to masturbate....to gay porn" Montana, Joe Theismann, and Johnny Unitas. Yup, he dreamed of having long, effeminate hair like Joe Namath.)

Anyway, I just have to ask, CC: Is there still time to waive Hass and put in Seneca Wallace? He grew up in Sacremento, is that far enough away from San Francisco to be straight?

BeaverFever said...

What about David Garrard from the Jags ? He started 10 games last season. There has to be something gay about him. His last name sounds like it could be French, and we all know how gay , and smelly, the French are.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Jason Campbell's not gay. But his boyfriend is.

There you are, now the circle-jerk is complete.

By the way, Renee Zellweger (possible lesbian) had her marriage to K-Ches annulled for reasons of "fraud." Why fraud? Because every time she blew him, his dick tasted like Peyton Manning's "ahn-yoos."

Matt T said...

Vick. Better at passing STDS than footballs.

Andy said...

Carson Palmer not gay? He hosted some kind of gay orgy:

Cornhole Classic

The Last Unitard said...

I take exception to the whole bestiality = gay thing. Who else is with me on this?

Anyone?

Oh.

the butler said...

Vince Young? I don't know man...he would be a better exception than Drew "my name sounds like a fruity chick drink" Brees. Vincanity is just thuggish enough to lead the thuggishest team in the league (we just don't get busted as much as the Bengals).

I completely agree with everyone else. Especially Bulger.

QueeferSuthrland said...

What about Jared Lorenzen?

Come on, you can't have nicknames of J-Load, the Hefty Lefty, the Pillsbury Throwboy, The Battleship Lorenzen, Round Mound of Touchdown and be straight, can you?

His 2 yards rushing this season had to count for something, right?

Grimey said...

Jared Lorenzen is a bull dyke

The Last Unitard said...

Lorenzen is neither handsome nor fit. Can't be gay.

Jizzy McPoo said...

what about Kyle Orton? what? he didn't start any games last year? fuck it, he had to lop up all of the excess love juice that ran out of the Sex Cannon's latest manwhore victim.

why do you think he's holding that clipboard? he's drawing up ways the Cannon can tie him up and shove his hot gun way up his brown-gooey-goodness-hole

Weed Against Speed said...

Peyton Manning. Queer. Yeah, he's married, but how many kids does he have?

Seriously, he's married? I'm not kidding, I have never heard that. You would think Peyton would try to get that fact in every time he was interviewed, considering his man-love for Kenny Chesney.

"I was supposed to be shooting a commerical at 9:00 in the morning but I was too busy banging my wife and her sister" type-thing.

Smello said...

Oh & I think you can add Drew Brees to the "devoutly Christian" collection of gays. I'm pretty sure he mentions in every interview that he checked with God before moving to New Orleans. Apparently, God approved.

rdg said...

No guarantee about Campbell. Ever see those lips? Totally DSLs. Last time I saw him in the Comcast Sportsnet box at the Verizon Center he definitely had a hot chick with him (most likely his sister).

Grimoald said...

Roethlisberger would totally be king of the bears.

fritter said...

Brett Favre has a long-running secret affair with columnist Peter King;

You forgot to put quotes around "secret".

Jackin'4Beats said...

Meet Mrs. Manning.

I still think Peyton's a little light in the loafers.

chrisrobbins said...

Rothlisberger takes in more man meat than Anna Nicole Smith

Robert said...

Rex is not gay. He's just too much man for one gender to satisfy. It's cool though, the men he has sex with aren't gay until he turns them. It's just like trying to squeeze the ball into triple coverage. He likes the challenge. Challenges make his dick hard.

Landru said...

What about Jared Lorenzen?

Come on, you can't have nicknames of J-Load, the Hefty Lefty, the Pillsbury Throwboy, The Battleship Lorenzen, Round Mound of Touchdown and be straight, can you?


Not to mention "Our Little Blueberry."

swing4 said...

Good post.

Sanchez said...

Thats about the funniest post I've read this year. Or possibly ever.

Perhaps its all those hours of rigorous training spent with your hand up a 350 pound centres ass. That kind of thing could change a man...

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Chad Pennington feathers his hair? Damn, it doesn't look like he combs it most of the time, much less goes to the trouble of actually styling it.

Oh, and here's an article with a better picture of Ashley Manning. Nice spin on the article--after all, you can't write "She's his beard in exchange for him financing her real estate deals" in a southern family newspaper.

dusty said...

I don't care if these guys fuck pigeons during the off season..as long as they can throw the pigskin without getting picked off..who friggin cares?

I am still cranky about the Chargers hiring that fuckwad Turner..sorry.

Runs With Two Horses said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jim said...

Actually, Jay Cutler is the first lesbian in the NFL, just really butch.

DigitalHeadbutt said...

How can we have this conversation without discussing Chris Simms, who is publicly in a gay relationship with Kyle Shanahan?