Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Big Daddy Drew’s Top Candidate For Head Coach Of The 2008 Minnesota Vikings

I’m resigned to the fact that Brad Childress, who is to football coaching what Matchbox 20 is to rock and roll, will be coaching the Vikings in the 2007 season. Given that the Vikings will be quarterbacked by either A) Brooks Bollinger, B) Tarvaris Jackson, C) Jeff Garcia, or D) A crude robot Childress has created to resemble himself, complete with Frank Oz mustache, I’m betting they won’t be very good. In fact, they may be excruciatingly bad. And nothing is worse for a fan than being unable to regenerate excitement even during an offseason. Hope springing eternal, my ass.

But there is a faint glimpse of hope for myself and any other NFL fan whose team is destined to suck in the coming year (Hello, Cleveland!). I have found the man destined to become the next great coach in NFL history. His name is Bear Grylls, and he’s the host of Man vs. Wild on Discovery Channel.


Holy fuck, this man is a badass. Last Friday night, I took in a marathon of Man vs. Wild. Over the course of two hours, I saw Bear:

-Get dropped into the Moab desert
-Jump into canyons of that same desert
-Piss on his headdress to keep cool
-Eat a raw raven’s egg, WITH the shell (Bear says it has vital calcium. And if you think Bear is wrong, then you can fuck the fuck off.)
-Extricate fresh water from a mud pit
-Climb out of a canyon by placing one foot on either wall and hoisting himself up with his arms
-Get dropped into an Alaskan forest. Alaska, in case you did not know, is very large.
-Climb DOWN a vertical Arctic waterfall wearing only ski boot linings on his feet
-Quickly construct a shelter out of stick and fronds that was arguably stronger than any Montgomery County municipal building
-Rock a British accent and not sound gay

And he didn’t cry once. Good Lord, what a man. Grylls is a former British Special Forces agent. I bet he’s killed lots of people and is too dignified to even mention it. I bet he’s banged women while fighting off rhinos. I would totally do that if I were him. I bet he has a bearskin rug in front of his fireplace and tells chicks, “See that rug. I made it. I replace it with a fresh one every week. Let’s shag.” I bet he could kick Ufford’s ass. I’m putting a poster of him in my bedroom. Mrs. Drew can cram it if she doesn’t like it. I have two spouses now.

It takes a lot to name your occupation as “adventurer” and not come off as a complete douchebag. But this man pulls it off beautifully. Now, of course, Grylls knows nothing about American football. But I don’t really care about that. If the Vikings hired him, I could just stare at him on the sidelines all game and imagine all the cool shit he did. And that’s really all I need along with the scotch. And if a QB were to break a finger, I bet he could snap it back in place and then stitch the wound with a loose jersey thread. I’d pay to see that.

Plus, his name is Bear. Coaches named Bear are already 1-for-1 in the goodness department. And did Bear Bryant ever become the youngest Briton to climb Everest? Fuck and no. Dead old bastard.

Bear Grylls is such a badass, he doesn’t even need vowels in his last name. If the Vikings hired him, he could probably turn the Metrodome into some sort of elaborate kill zone, equipped with booby traps all over the field to fuck the other team up. Again, I’d pay to see that.

So let’s make that happen. Fuck Obama in ’08. I want some bear meat.

41 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

Yeah that guy rocks. I'll watch that whenever its on.

My favorite is when he climbed UP a waterfall. That's badass

DigitalHeadbutt said...

Dude, you totally beat me to a "hire Man vs. Wild" article. He's awesome.

Don't forget the time he ate raw meat from a zebra carcass already ravaged by lions and vultures. And when he drank the liquid from elephant dung.

Andrew said...

Survivorman >>>>> Man vs. Wild. Same stuff but Les Stroud survives while filming it himself. Plus he doesn't do stupid things like jump in a river when the temperature is near freezing.

Otto Man said...

That sounds like a man who does not, in fact, have time to bleed.

But is he qualified to lead the Vikings? I mean, does he know his way around a double-ended dildo and a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair?

Big Daddy Drew said...

andrew has a point. I don't understand how the cameraman is able to go where Bear goes. When he climbed down the waterfall, he said that was the only way down. Well, how the fuck did the cameraman get down? Perhaps HE's an even bigger badass.

Weed Against Speed said...

This is the type of guy Dimitrius Underwood could have played for. Can we get Les Steckel to be the offensive coordinator?

And does he have the balls to say he has a "kick-ass offense" as our boy Chili claimed despite scoring 25 offensive touchdowns? I don't think so!

Landru said...

Dood, the Twinbrook Library is a fucking fortress. A fortress, I tells you.

DigitalHeadbutt said...

Andrew:

I agree. Survivorman is definitely the better survivor, and is the person you want to emulate when in a life or death situation. But you have to admit, Man vs. Wild is WAY better TV.

McFad said...

In the arctic episode, how about when he takes his parachute and fills it with snow to demonstrate how such a device could stop you from falling into a crevasse.

I also enjoyed when he carved a boomerang and used it to kill a rabbit.

Christmas Ape said...

F. Scott Fitzgerald haunts the Twinbrook Library. Can't blame him, really. I, too, would be vindictive in the afterlife if I accomplished great things in life, only to meet a drunken, ignominious end and then be buried in Rockville.

My Insignificant Life said...

yeah, he may be a bad ass, but can he re-fold his road map back to the original shape? Now, that is true bad ass.

I rape red sox fans said...

I can't wait til that asshole gets killed by a stingray.

save the steagles said...

Having to navigate the sidelines in Viking Purple could diminish some of his bad-ass factor.

BeaverFever said...

Could Bear Grylls control or subdue a party boat full of Viking players ?

evan said...

I root for whomever commits to the Reebok suit as head coach. This may be the closest we ever come to seeing a real pimp on the sidelines.

Purple leather suit with all the trimmings? Let's Smoot!

Unsilent Majority said...

Pyle Middle School just collapsed.

Grimey said...

I actually saw that episode with the first six things on your badass-ery list (it's the only episode I've ever seen).

He also demonstrated how to free yourself from quicksand, which is something I've always thought I needed to know.

Of course, I've totally forgotten how now.

Weed Against Speed said...

But if I guy named Bear coached against the Bears would the universe cave in on itself? Because if so, I don't think it's a good idea.

MDG said...

I'll say this. If I had a girlfriend/wife I'd make her have sex with Bear and get pregnant so my kid would be as badass as him.

Landru said...

"I, too, would be vindictive in the afterlife if I accomplished great things in life, only to meet a drunken, ignominious end and then be buried in Rockville."

I can't think of a better reason for accomplishing nothing. Bless you, Ape.

My Insignificant Life said...

Grimey - Just in case you get caught in quick sand....

If you ever find yourself in a pit of quicksand, don't worry -- it's not going to swallow you whole, and it's not as hard to escape from as you might think.
The human body has a density of 62.4 pounds per cubic foot (1 g/cm3) and is able to float on water. Quicksand is denser than water -- it has a density of about 125 pounds per cubic foot (2 g/cm3) -- which means you can float more easily on quicksand than on water. The key is to not panic. Most people who drown in quicksand, or any liquid for that matter, are usually those who panic and begin flailing their arms and legs.

It may be possible to drown in quicksand if you were to fall in over your head and couldn't get your head back above the surface, although it's rare for quicksand to be that deep. Most likely, if you fall in, you will float to the surface. However, the sand-to-water ratio of quicksand can vary, causing some quicksand to be less buoyant.

"By the same token, if the quicksand were deep, as in up to your waist, it would be very difficult to extract yourself from a dense slurry, not unlike very wet concrete," said Rick Wooten, senior geologist for Engineering Geology and Geohazards for the North Carolina Geological Survey. "The weight of the quicksand would certainly make it difficult to move if you were in above your knees."

With quicksand, the more you struggle in it the faster you will sink. If you just relax, your body will float in it because your body is less dense than the quicksand.

The worst thing to do is to thrash around in the sand and move your arms and legs through the mixture. You will only succeed in forcing yourself farther down into the liquid sandpit. The best thing to do is to make slow movements and bring yourself to the surface, then just lie back. You'll float to a safe level.

"When someone steps in the quicksand, their weight causes them to sink, just as they would if they stepped in a pond," Dumouchelle said. "If they struggle, they'll tend to sink. But, if they relax and try to lay on their back, they can usually float and paddle to safety."

When you try pulling your leg out of quicksand, you are working against a vacuum left behind by the movement, according to The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook. The authors of the book advise you to move as slowly as possible in order to reduce viscosity. Also, try spreading your arms and legs far apart and leaning over to increase your surface area, which should allow you to float.

While quicksand remains the hackneyed convention of bad adventure movies, there's very little to be afraid of in real life. As long as you keep a cool head in the situation, the worst result will be a shoe full of wet sand.

Big Jim Slade said...

Quicksand. Now we ARE in trouble...

Signal to Noise said...

"poorly concealed homosexuality"

This'll be a new staple.

thirdstringjd said...

The episode from last Sunday was classic. He gets stuck on a tropical island and it's basically just him on vacation for 50 minutes until he builds a raft and sails out into shark infested waters.

He just laughs like a retard throughout the entire scene where the sharks are swimming directly into his tropical island made boat.

He is definitely the definition of a bad ass. Although he doesn't do his own camera work.

Big AL said...

Fuck Obama, Fuck Obama indeed, god damn terrorist

The Pirate Sloth said...

Why settle for having the guy be the coach?

I say put his in the game. No need for an O-line, no need for WRs - Bear can just snap it to himself, take on the opposing D, score, run in for 2, kickoff, be his own special team, and be the entire defense.

And he'd cover the spread, the over/under, and the points.

Smello said...

I also recently saw the tropical island episode & he was, at the very least, filming himself on the raft. I'm unlear how the filming was done while he was up the tree getting the coconuts, but it doesn't matter. It's some damned good television and he's all kinds of sexy.

Weed Against Speed said...

the pirate soth - who would win in a game between Bear and Ditka? That's the pressing question.

bankmeister said...

that post was badass. i'm proud to admit that that marathon was in fact part of the drunken debauchery that was my bachelor party this past weekend. he managed to blow our minds on many levels. good times.

MDG said...

he does have a badass camera man.

As I mentioned back in January. His name is Simon Reay.

Victor Kruger said...

One of his sons is named Marmaduke; compare this to Childress's son who is named Kyle. He also lives on a barge.

J.L. White said...

I really don't think it matters who the next coach of the Vikings are. Whoever it is, as long as they have enough balls to take Brad Johnson behind the woodshed and puts two caps in the back of his neck will suffice.

Babydaddy said...

Fuck Magruder High School too, while we're at it. Montgomery County only looks good in a rear view mirror, when you're headed elsewhere.

micah said...

i think we have our first offseason meast of the week

Tyler said...

That's Karma. See, if the Viks wouldn't have signed Steve Hutchinson to a bullshit contract and sending the Seahawks into a spiral, then either Childress would have proven the ability to win OR the ownership would have wisened up and fired him after the season.

A plague on both your houses!!!

Eternal bad karma on Hutch and the Viks.

Jackin'4Beats said...

My insignificant life - they are called links. Use them. However, the quicksand post was very interesting so I'll take this knowledge with me the next time I'm in the Sahara evading the sand people.

Bear for MEAST!

BDD - "I want some bear meat." Just don't snap it like a slim jim. You are aware it is snapalope season...

swing4 said...

Drew, I sense some repressed anger and frustration. You should probably bump your alcohol consumption up a notch to take care of that.

Weed Against Speed said...

Eternal bad karma on Hutch and the Viks.

I guess the four Super Bowl losses and the Vikes losing to the Falcons in the NFC Championship game and losing to the Giants 41-0 in another NFC Championship game isn't bad enough karma.

Do I sound bitter? Because I am.

Landru said...

babydaddy knocked up my sister! You bastard!

whodat said...

the man's name is bear. what choice did he have.

Brian said...

Best Man vs. Wild Episode = African Plains

Short on water, he picked up a piece of Elephant poo, gave it a good squeeze, and drank the liquid that came out of it, to prevent dehydration.

Short on food, he came across a fress Zebra carcas, and cut some meat left over near the head off to eat, at one point bending down foregoing the use of a knife, and biting pieces off the animals dead body.