Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Requiem for a cliche



Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our last respects to the Peyton Manning Can't Win the Big One Cliché. The Colts’ Super Bowl victory forever cast this stalwart time-filling aphorism into the abyss for eternity.

Other played-out, shopworn sports clichés have come out to say goodbye to the deceased. I see “Run to Set Up the Pass” is here with his wife and kids. As usual, “Giving It 110 Percent” arrived here two hours early. “Big Players Make Big Plays” just slipped quietly into the back row. Unfortunately, “Drive for Show, Putt for Dough” is snowbound in Kansas City.

Sadly, these occasions are too frequent these days. Many of us were recently together for the funeral for Drew Brees’ Birthmark. Traditional New Orleans jazz funeral—man, that second line swinging cajun-style.

You have been a crutch for unimaginative hacks lo these many years, Peyton Manning Can't Win the Big One Cliché. Idle slack jawed couch-bound nutscratchers will have to plumb the depths of their faded imaginations for new obvious, yet vague, statements of supposed profound truth. The Manning Cliché has joined other discarded phrases like his “Elway Will Never Win a Super Bowl” and “Steve Young: Class Act” in Sports Cliché Heaven.

"I'm actually crying because I just found out I didn't get into
the hall of fame. Thanks a lot, Peter King, you fat fuck."


After the initial two weeks of Peyton Is a Choker No More stories, sportswriters will face the unenviable task of coming up with something original. “FBI Serial Killer Profiler Quality Analysis of Player Body Language” certainly seems to be the heir apparent. We can only pray that the trite canards that succeed you will provide ample material for sports bloggers far in the future—or at least until next season.

Fare thee well. As we depart today let us remember these words: “Donovan McNabb is a Fucking Bum; He Has Never Won Shit and He Never Will.”

25 comments:

LButler36 said...

No show for "Defense Wins Championships"?

Otto Man said...

Idle slack jawed couch-bound nutscratchers

Hey, hey. This is a love seat.

Signal to Noise said...

If McNabb is going to be the next target of said choker cliche, let us also remember to include Matt Hasselbeck, mostly for his "we'll take the ball and we're gonna score!" comment before throwing a pick six in OT to the Packers' Al Harris.

Captain Caveman said...

+1 Otto man.

-2,000,000 signal to noise

save the steagles said...

I see "No one but the men in that locker room believe we could win" is still alive and well.

Unfortunately, you are right about Donovan inheriting Peyton's choker crown. Like the kind people of Philly needed anymore license to rip the guy.

MDG said...

"Just take it one game at a time" was busy at a Suns game and sends his regrets.

LButler36 said...

While we are at it, lets add the whole "selecting to be introduced as a team at the Superbowl" and "nobody believed it could be done" to the list. I blame the Patriots for both.

I got your back signal to noise.

Jackin'4Beats said...

"We're not getting any respect" and "We're playing with our backs against the wall" were both seen in police lineups today after being arrested in Cincinnati by over-zealous cops.

They send their condolences to "Peyton Manning Can't Win the Big One" from Holding Cell B.

And Seahawks suck big, hairy, sweaty, monkey nutz. Al Harris for Prime Minister.

Chris said...

"It's just Terrell being Terrell"was busy holding a press conference about how people don't use it as much as they should. It then went home and "accidentally" fell into the paper shredder.

The Andre Waters Experience said...

"We shocked the world!" is still alive and kicking, at least as long as Rodney Harrison is in the league. He screamed that after the NE-Philly Super Bowl ... a game in which his team had been favored by a field goal.

Signal to Noise said...

CC: I knew that was coming and I said it anyway.

Also in attendance were several variations of "playing the game the right way," although it had to leave early because Jaws and Salisbury needed to recycle it for Tony Dungy fellating.

$klimp$ said...

Just substitute Peyton for Eli and it'll live forever.

Awful Chief said...

Well stated, "he was a great player, but an even greater person". Nobody delivers a eulogy like you do.

Otto Man said...

We're ignoring the elephant in the room, people. A big, fat, white, semi-retarded elephant named John Madden.

Until you bring him to the Hague on charges of crimes against humanity, all of these cliches are going to live on forever.

We must end the madness.

Hawkins said...

Will Rush Limbaugh give the intro for "Donovan was overrated" when it is enshrined in the cliche hall of fame?

Chris said...

We're ignoring the elephant in the room, people. A big, fat, white, semi-retarded elephant named John Madden.

You see it, you see it, you see it, but you just can't stop it.

PS. Otto's got them big ol'paws.

Otto Man said...

Well played, Chris.

I especially like it when Madden busts out the telestrator to explain to me how that one guy hit that other guy and then the other guy fell down. Boom!

He does color commentary like he's recording a book for the blind.

Correction: the retarded blind.

Kyle said...

"we just wanted it more" sends his regards. He couldn't make it as he was busy out drinking the night before with an unnamed player from a superbowl losing team.

MCPO Airdale said...

"Rex Grossman is the worst quarterback in the Super Bowl, EVER!"

JMP said...

What about "we just need to play OUR game" or its cousin "we just need to play within ourselves"?

Caucasion Invasion said...

my hands dont fit in the pringles box, therefore, i cry...

devang said...

Fuck it I'm throwing deep.

+10 $klimp$

Chamomiles Davis said...

flubby,

I sincerely hope that last line was meant as a reverse-jinx.

Thewes said...

Poor Dan-o, the media's favorite son for exposing as ring-less is solo once again:

http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/blog/2007/02/marinos_despera.html

Thewes said...

Oops, here

Marino's desperate plea to Peyton: Don't leave me!