Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Your Steve Irwin Memorial 2006/Very-Small-Portion-Of-2007 Meast Of The Year

What is this, like an internet honor? That’s what you guys do? Hang out on the internet? That’s cool. I like the internet. It’s got pictures of people fucking, and I like fucking. That’s all me.

You know, this offseason has given me a lot of time to think. Maybe it’s time I settled down and really learned my position. I gonna study tapes of all the great ones: Unitas, Montana, Elway, Salisbury – to figure out the nuances of proper NFL quarterbacking. I’m gonna learn to play within myself. I’m gonna learn to start winning games with my head, and not just my arm. It’s time for me to mature as a player. It’s time for me to mature AS A MAN.

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I would never do that. That’s for queers like Manning.

Can you believe it? We get six months off! How fucking awesome is that? It would have been seven too if they didn’t make me work all January. Well, I’ve got some major league plans to fill all that time and lots of ladies with my ample manpaste. In fact, I even made myself a little list of everything I’d like to accomplish this offseason:

The Sex Cannon’s Goals For the 2007 Offseason

-Throw a Hutch ball 200 yards while masturbating
-Have a plaster cast made of my arm to recreate the “Anal Intruder” sex toy from Top Secret!
-Hey, didn’t we have a Mexican d-coordinator? Where did he go? He was gonna introduce me to his niece. I wanna nail her and then have her cook me some arroz con pollo.
-Learn to speak Mexican
-Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.
-Fuck on a trampoline
-Fuck on a rock
-Fuck on top of this 500-lb. guy I know named Jim
-Pose on the cover of SI for Kids. Make sure they retouch a comet tail onto the ball I’m throwing. That would be fucking sweet.
-Start children’s charity that teaches underaged kids both how to throw a football and make love like a wild boar
-Try wild boar
-Compose list of words that sound German but are not (example: fluffen: snow)
-Nail German chick
-Make sure her German boyfriend watches and cries
-Lease videotape collection to Orton
-Buy puppy. Fuck it.
-Design official KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt and put it on sale 3 months too late
-Go to gun shop. Tell them I don’t need any guns because I am already fully stocked. Throw a football in the clerk’s face
-Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally
-Learn guitar, because guys who rock the guitar get major league pussy
-Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It
-Laugh out loud when the Bears draft Troy Smith in the second round
-Procreate with every last one of you

Meast of the Year Voting Breakdown:
Grossman: 19 votes
Sanders: 7
Merriman: 6
Prince: 5
LDT: 4
B. Scott: 3
L. Neal: 3
J. Taylor: 2
J. Brown: 2 (shame on you people)
Panthers D: 2 (and the one I’d vote for)
Bears D: 2
Pacman: 2
D. Williams: 2
Faneca: 1
85: 1
Josh Jeff Reed’s wang: 1
Cincinnati Police Department: 1
Me: 1
Eli Manning: 0


Walklett said...

The NFL should digitally produce a comet tail on every pass Grossman throws next season like the NHL tried with those pucks. That definitely would be sweet.

save the steagles said...

"Josh Reed"???? Come on Drew! Respect the man, respect the dong, and at least get his name right.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I think I just heard Rexy's cumsack a-rumblin'. Think he just produced a horse's cumsack worth of man milk...quuuueee ricoooo!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It

Now that's funny. Why stop with a Cheez-It when he can fill her up with "lead" from the Cannon?

Signal to Noise said...

Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally

Beautiful image, really.

The Last Unitard said...

Does anyone know what the escape velocity of a puppy is?

If the Cannon's not careful with that thing he could send it into orbit.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

There's something to be said for being good enough at what you do to get to it's highest level...and then being bad enough at what you do to completely suck at that level. Throw in completely inexplicable success despite repeated mistakes, well that, that right there, that's something.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Evidently, your friend did not realise that, here in East Germany, we use volt current. He was found in his hotel room impaled on a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face.

liquid_d said...

Wow, multiple "Top Secret" references in one day. Now it was totally worth coming to work today.

devang said...

Have a spitting contest with PacMan Jones

Otto Man said...

Dammit, Drew beat me to the voltage line. I guess I'll have to go with the set-up:

"Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use! I just can't bring my wife to orgasm."

Chamomiles Davis said...

"Buy puppy. Fuck it."

You are just not right, Drew.

Awful Chief said...

What a great movie. I forgot about the anal intruder...I think they might cut that scene out when they show it on Comedy Central.

That reminds me that I still need to get a custom made "FIND HIM AND KILL HIM" rubber stamp.

Excellent to-do list. Perhaps he should also consider hiring the Blue Angels to do a fly-by while ejaculating into a chick. Maybe the chick could be reading Fear of Flying at the time.

Chris said...

Colonel von Horst:They're still working on him. He won't break. We've tried everything! Do you want me to bring out the Leroy Nieman paintings?
General Streck, German High Command: No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention!

Bulger in My Pants said...

Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.

Not as great as you'd think it'd be.

king of the herculoids said...

rexy should follow suit with brady and leinart and get a chick knocked up...then have a whole illegitimate child scandal

Mike said...

If Rex adds "Rock Star" to his resume, he'll soon be fucking girls from the 14th century, girls not yet born, girls not yet girls . . .

The Intern said...

Can you imagine the amount of pussy crushing that went down on Super Bowl night? Prince and Rex in the same town. No vagina was safe.

My Insignificant Life said...

Rex is a Rock Star - He invented 'Rock Star Sex' - I read that when Rex left Miami, the whole town was left bow-legged thanks to the Sex Cannon leaving his mark.......as for knocking up some chick, I think one more illegit kid and the NFL will be approaching NBA territory in number of illegit kids per zip code.....

the butler said...

Pacman deserves the same Meast scaling curve as Nate Robinson gets in the Slam Dunk Contest.

Pacman is so Meastly he will have you and your punk ass friends straight capped in the parking lot of a Vegas strip club during All-Star Weekend and not even end up a suspect. Bitches. The Cannon is a funny bastard, but he couldn't even carry Pacman's grill.

daaaaaaa bears said...

No one can carry Pacman's grill right now...It's stuck in the bouncers ankle

Who bites a bouncer? On the ankle no less!

Jackin'4Beats said...

How does Brady have an illegitamate kid before the Sex Cannon? I would have thought Rexy would have had at least several baby mommas floating around the country by now.

butlimous said...

Thanks for the nice post!

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