Oh, man. Oh man, I’m so fucking hungry. I’m so fucking stoned. I’m so fucking hungry. Oh my God, corn dogs! Corn dogs are soooooo fucking good. You know, when I first saw these corn dogs, I thought of, like, a dog made entirely out of corn. Like a small dog. Maybe a terrier. God, that’s funny.
I’m so fucking stoned.
Look at all these cereals, dude! You know what I do sometimes? I get really fucking stoned, then I take a box of Raisin Nut Bran, and I spill it all out on the counter, and I eat only the raisin nuts. And sometimes, two of the raisin nuts will, like, fuse together. And it’s just so fucking good. You know what? I’mma open this box right now.
God, I’m so fucking stoned.
Hey, security man, don’t be hassling me! I got a $100 million contract. I’mma pay for this shit, man. Get off my case. You know I could totally outrun you, right? I could totally outrun you but I won’t because I don’t want to be one-dimensional. That is fucking pocket discipline right there, man. I am changing the shit out of your perceptions. You think I’m just some black quarterback. Well, I am more than that. I am a black man that plays quarterback. Wait, is that right?
Holy fuck, am I stoned.
You know what’s awesome? Getting stoned and walking around in new sneakers. God, I feel like I’m on a moon bounce. Remember the moon bounce? Man, I used to kick the shit out of people in that thing. I even punched a girl once. I was 10, so this was when girls were bigger. So punching them was totally all right. I’m gonna call my brother.
(calls his brother)
Marcus! Marcus, motherfucker! Dude, guess where I am. The fucking grocery store. No man, it’s awesome. I just saw a jar of marmalade. Do you need anything? Yeah, I know you’re in LA. But I could, like, courier it to you and shit. You want some ice cream? I fucking love Breyer’s, man. Yeah, I know you love Edy’s. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Breyer’s rules. It’s creamier. Man, my fucking dick itches.
Bro, I am fucking stoned like crazy. I just ate a frozen Totino’s Pizza Roll. It wasn’t good. That red snapper in the seafood case keeps staring at me.
I think people are looking at me. What are you people looking at? Oh, like none of you ever sneak olives out of the salad bar. All you people do is judge. Well, I’m not judging you. I’m cool with everyone, so everyone should be cool with me. Yes, I’m putting cubes of feta in my pockets. They’re soft and squishy, and I’m a fan of textures. Don't hate. Do you hear something humming? I hear something humming. Listen, I’m just gonna get some cold cuts at the deli and then cut out.
Fuck man, number 109? It’s only on 102! Shit, man. Hey man, I just wanna sample the Alpine Lace. The one with lots of holes and shit. Can’t you help a brutha out? Fine. Be a dick. I’m just hang out in the canned goods. Hearts of palm? Who eats that shit? Is that from a palm tree? That’s fucked up.
The people on the back of this box of crackers are frozen in time.
God, I’m stoned out of my fucking mind. Where am I again?
Photo courtesy of The Onion.