Tuesday, February 6, 2007

The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick! Episode 1: The Supermarket


Oh, man. Oh man, I’m so fucking hungry. I’m so fucking stoned. I’m so fucking hungry. Oh my God, corn dogs! Corn dogs are soooooo fucking good. You know, when I first saw these corn dogs, I thought of, like, a dog made entirely out of corn. Like a small dog. Maybe a terrier. God, that’s funny.

I’m so fucking stoned.

Look at all these cereals, dude! You know what I do sometimes? I get really fucking stoned, then I take a box of Raisin Nut Bran, and I spill it all out on the counter, and I eat only the raisin nuts. And sometimes, two of the raisin nuts will, like, fuse together. And it’s just so fucking good. You know what? I’mma open this box right now.

God, I’m so fucking stoned.

Hey, security man, don’t be hassling me! I got a $100 million contract. I’mma pay for this shit, man. Get off my case. You know I could totally outrun you, right? I could totally outrun you but I won’t because I don’t want to be one-dimensional. That is fucking pocket discipline right there, man. I am changing the shit out of your perceptions. You think I’m just some black quarterback. Well, I am more than that. I am a black man that plays quarterback. Wait, is that right?

Holy fuck, am I stoned.

You know what’s awesome? Getting stoned and walking around in new sneakers. God, I feel like I’m on a moon bounce. Remember the moon bounce? Man, I used to kick the shit out of people in that thing. I even punched a girl once. I was 10, so this was when girls were bigger. So punching them was totally all right. I’m gonna call my brother.

(calls his brother)

Marcus! Marcus, motherfucker! Dude, guess where I am. The fucking grocery store. No man, it’s awesome. I just saw a jar of marmalade. Do you need anything? Yeah, I know you’re in LA. But I could, like, courier it to you and shit. You want some ice cream? I fucking love Breyer’s, man. Yeah, I know you love Edy’s. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Breyer’s rules. It’s creamier. Man, my fucking dick itches.


Bro, I am fucking stoned like crazy. I just ate a frozen Totino’s Pizza Roll. It wasn’t good. That red snapper in the seafood case keeps staring at me.

(hangs up)

I think people are looking at me. What are you people looking at? Oh, like none of you ever sneak olives out of the salad bar. All you people do is judge. Well, I’m not judging you. I’m cool with everyone, so everyone should be cool with me. Yes, I’m putting cubes of feta in my pockets. They’re soft and squishy, and I’m a fan of textures. Don't hate. Do you hear something humming? I hear something humming. Listen, I’m just gonna get some cold cuts at the deli and then cut out.

Fuck man, number 109? It’s only on 102! Shit, man. Hey man, I just wanna sample the Alpine Lace. The one with lots of holes and shit. Can’t you help a brutha out? Fine. Be a dick. I’m just hang out in the canned goods. Hearts of palm? Who eats that shit? Is that from a palm tree? That’s fucked up.

The people on the back of this box of crackers are frozen in time.

God, I’m stoned out of my fucking mind. Where am I again?

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

48 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

"I'm a fan of textures"

aren't we all

The Last Unitard said...

They call them fingers, but I never see them fing.

Mike said...

Based on my own Scientific Studies of the behavior patterns of stoned individuals in the supermarket, they tend to head straight for the cans of ReadyWhip.

They even sneak them into the cold locker to make sure no one sees them.

Based on my Scientific Research.

Unsilent Majority said...

and it's all thanks to Yes I Cannabis...we have a kitchen!?!?!

BigRicks said...

Nah man, You get a box of Bugels, and a can of cheez whiz and make little Olympic Torches and run around the aisles handing them off to your friends...

Okay maybe just me.

The Last Unitard said...

Start inhalin', Waylon!

save the steagles said...

Drew, you change the shit out of my perceptions every day. That was brilliant.

Unsilent Majority said...

big ricks, i once ate bugles and cheez whiz on a boat. after that puking extravaganza i've never been able to touch either "food"

Wilson said...

Did you guys do this because the "Sex Cannon" is as good as shit-canned right off the depth chart? Either way, keep it up, it's good stuff. Thanks.

Chamomiles Davis said...

This brilliant piece is a perfect example of why I could never go to the supermarket while stoned.

Jordi said...

This was good. Reminded me a lot of a song by The Uninvited called Too High for the Supermarket. In case that doesn't work, the lyrics are here.
Good job.
- Jordi

Big Daddy Drew said...

I couldn't put this anywhere in the post, but I'll do it here.

I'm all lost in the supermarket. I can no longer shop happily.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Wow, people are putting up their real photos. The Internets must be safe again

Cameron (Go Lions) said...

Remember the time you dropped your keys and thought the phone was ringing?

lieutenant winslow said...

everyone knows real potheads go straight for the ben n' jerry's.

i mean, thats what i am told anyways.

LButler36 said...

That red snapper in the seafood case keeps staring at me.

Its like you read my journal....

SteveJeltzFan said...

BDD, that throwaway line is great - better if you use Mitch Hedberg's voice to say it.

T. said...

Check out all the adventures of your boy Ron Mexico

www.adventuresofronmexico.blogspot.com

Signal to Noise said...

Either Vick needs to be the new voice of Towelie, or he and little bro need to team up for the movie "Michael and Marcus Go to Chick-Fil-A."

Otto Man said...

I think I see a special guest star for "Friday IV: The Revenge of Deebo."

Awful Chief said...

Holy fuck, am I stoned.
Somebody should like totally invent a breathalyzer, but for weed. I swear, man, I must be the highest dude on the fucking planet right now...I would seriously challenge anyone on Earth right now on who's higher.

QueeferSuthrland said...

Fuck man, Edy's is so much better than Breyer’s.

And yes, I made an account to just say that.

becky said...

Oreo O's man...I don't even smoke the pot but I can eat a whole box of those right out the box.

I hate to say it, but this might end up a better series than the adventures of Rexstacy.

the chief said...

awww man... this drymouth is whack. gotta get my juice on and.. ohshitohshitohshit. is that petrino by the juicy juice? he'll totally know. act cool. that's right... nod ya head, grab that grape shit and stop giggling. shit he's lookin' right atchoo. it's cool.

Coach: michael? is that you?
Me: uhhh yeah coach. how is it hangin'? (so stupid! why did you just say that! be cool!)
Coach: Son, are you wearing eye black in the grocery store?
Me: It's Breyer's.
Coach: Ice cream? Huh?
Me: Edy's is for bitches.
Coach: (silence)

Ok now back up and rip open the bag of Doritos with your mouth. Now Growl!!! That shit was tight. He totally respects your commitment. You're like one of them big orange tigers. A bengal tiger I think. Aww that totally reminds me of the bengals. That blonde drummer was like some amazon queen, yo.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Never devil dogs- they suck every droplet of moisture out of you mouth and you almost choke to death.

Print that out and carry it around with you- because you WILL forget and get stoned and eat a devil dog and almost die. It's true.

Walklett said...

Who is more of a fuckup, Michael or Marcus?

Grimey said...

I don't need to eat Breyer's to have a good time.

Unsilent Majority said...

Which one has the hundred million dollar contract again?

Walklett said...

So he has more to fuck up right?

Chris said...

awww man... this drymouth is whack. gotta get my juice on and.. ohshitohshitohshit. is that petrino by the juicy juice? he'll totally know. act cool. that's right... nod ya head, grab that grape shit and stop giggling. shit he's lookin' right atchoo. it's cool.

Wow i laughed so hard i shot grape shit all over my keyboard.

Walklett said...

How about Britt or Garrett Reid?

Clint said...

You're funnier than watching Jackass the movie stoned for the first time BDD. In the theatre.

The Last Unitard said...

I just imagined Vick blazed out of his mind sitting in a $5000 leather recliner nodding his head to London Calling.

Thanks, Drew.

the butler said...

that picture is the shit.

I'm so blazed I had to stare at it for about 8 minutes before catching his real right hand.

Chris said...

Clint your comments are always insightful and well written. All hail Clint as king of KSK comment section.

McFad said...

I see Michael Vick watching How High and pouring milk into a box of Count Chocula.

Communist Dan said...

Your rendition of Mike Vick makes him sound like a retarded white frat boy, when in reality we all know he's not that articulate or intelligent. And buying Breyers at the grocery store? More like buying a bucket of thighs, cajon rice, and a 6 of buscuits from Popeye's. And a grape soda.

Grimey said...

Come on, communist dan, it's not like Michael Vick won the Masters here....

Unsilent Majority said...

even fuzzy could spell cajun.

Otto Man said...

And buscuits, too.

You know, nothing strips the intellectual credibility off a nice bit of racist stereotyping than serial misspellings.

However, I look forward to further explanations, such as the one about how white guys drive like this and black guys drive like that.

dusty said...

Jesus Christ in a speedo, can't you men ever plan ahead? I go to the store "straight" buy my goodies and then go home and get blazed.

On the off chance that I do get stoned and there isn't anything decent to munch on..I just bribe the spouse..he will do anything for a blowjob..come to think of it..all men will damn near do anything for a blow job.

Chris said...

Otto what about the Asians?

Jackin'4Beats said...

That was hilarious. And that freakishly huge "fake" hand had me thinking I was stoned...when of course I'm not...really, I'm not.

Anyway, the chief, your comments were good enough to be added to the original post as an update...an extra 5 minutes of Ron Mexico's life if you will. BDD, make it so...

King of the KSK Comment Section = King Julien XIII

Otto Man said...

Otto what about the Asians?

I'm betting there's some witty "Me so solly!" material in there, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Mike said...

I'm betting there's some witty "Me so solly!" material in there, but we'll just have to wait and see.

But he'll misspell "solly" as "soly."
Nothing says moron like the inability to spell garbled, pidgin English words.

Communist Dan said...

Popeye's East Cleveland menu


I just spell the words like the Popeye's menu spells them. How could I have guessed so many of you only eat at Church's Chicken? I suggest trying the crayfish. Mmm mmm.

swing4 said...

Let's not go overboard about Drew's genius, here. I suspect this is merely a transcript of his pre-game trip to the grocery store with Unsilent on Sunday, with names changed to protect the Jewish.

Lionel McClure said...

Wow. That has been my inner monologue far too many times. Especially the part about being a black quarterback. Classic.