Wednesday, February 28, 2007

NFL Scouting Bukkake: The Combine Part 2

This is what you'd look like if you were a vegan and you'd just seen Reggie Nelson trap and eat a live gazelle.


Today we're thrilled to welcome back our exclusive Combine scout, the re-animated River Phoenix

This blogging thing is out of control man (seriously though, what the fuck did you guys do to Wil Wheaton? I told him Star Trek was a bad idea). I just told some guy what I was doing here and he told me that my old friend Flea was blogging for the NBA. Apparently everybody that was there when I died went mainstream. Bastards...

The only experience less thrilling than watching defensive backs running 40's was playing a gay pseudo-Falstaff opposite Keanu Reeves. Why isn't he dead yet?... The two safeties everybody clamored to see were Laron Landry and Reggie Nelson. Landry ran a 4.32 to Nelson's 4.53 (Deion thinks the dreads were worth .1, and you people say he went clean). Nelson gained hasty revenge when he beat Landry unconscious with a pylon--good to see him get his swagger back... Former Terp Josh Wilson led his group with a 4.35. Rich Eisen just said, "that's one fast turtle!" HAHAHAHA! Please put me back in the ground now...

These guys sure make funny noises when they run. I think Brandon Meriweather just ejaculated at the finish line--that's gotta slow you down a step or two... Damien Hughes ran a 4.7-something 40 and his vertical test made him look like a white guy. A little bit of advice young man, whenever I had a bad audition I wasn't afraid to suck the occasional cock. I saw that look in Vinny Cerrato's freaky eyes...

Sabby Piscetelli reminds me of a young Marky Mark (now I know he's dead, right?)... Aaron Ross was trained for the 40 by his world record holding girlfriend. He just ran a 4.45 before the testicles fell out of his shorts... If I had lived I'm convinced I could have become Governor of California by now... I fucked Helen Mirren on the set of Mosquito Coast. Just sayin'...

Thanks River! Check back later for a combine wrap-up from our esteemed scout..

22 comments:

The Intern said...

It belongs in a museum!

I rape red sox fans said...

Star Trek fucking rules, dude.

DrDoom said...

and i just posted something on ksk that was supposed to be on deadspin, whatever same difference.

By the way I'm not sure if anyone else heard this but this morning during MIke and Mike peter king was doing his swirly move on brady quinn.

DrDoom said...

nibbles i am going to eat your children in a stew, perhaps with some farva beans.

Peyton manning was hoping to make his own pyramid with kenny.

Unsilent Majority said...

Our server runs on the blood of our enemies.

and Star Trek is gay

Weed Against Speed said...

You couldn't have said any better, Unsilent.

Unless you're referring to Star Trek: The Next Generation. Then we'll have to agree to disagree. Who wouldn't want a little lovin' from Counsellor Troi?

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Undead Zombie Horde said...

Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ can't we block this ad shit!

And Enterprise was the best Trek. It wasn't nearly as geeky. And if you dont think Jolene Blalock is hot then you're friggin' gay!

Jason said...

FYI:

William Richert played the gay pseudo Flastaff in My Own Private Idaho. You could say that Phoniex played a gay pseudo Poins, the friend of Hal who helps him rob Falstaff in Henry IV.

liquid_d said...

1st, Star Trek is HOMO.
2nd, I hope that Alex Winters oultives Keanu Reeves to dance on his grave. Strange things afoot indeed.

Unsilent Majority said...

FUCK! Stupid Gus Van Sandt

Weed Against Speed said...

Any discussion of Gus Van Sant begins and ends with Drugstore Cowboy. Any movie with William Burroughs in it portraying a junkie priest is cool in my book.

Unsilent Majority said...

i'm gay for moleman

Weed Against Speed said...

Moleman says, "Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old".

That sounds like me - except I'm 32.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Three Words...

Jeri Fuckin' Ryan.

That's all boys.

Jackin'4Beats said...

If wanting to bang Seven of Nine is gay, then I'm one flaming homo.

Unsilent Majority said...

Come on nerds, let's focus on Sabby Piscitelli. He'll soon be dating Tom Brady's leftovers.

Mark said...

If River knows what's going on at the combine, how does he not know who is dead or alive in the rest of the world? Just sayin'.

Unsilent Majority said...

he was re-animated for the combine, he's yet to see anything of the outside world.

i know it's complex, try to keep up.

Mark said...

Ahh, I see. I just thought maybe you gave him Sunday off from the combine to go to the Oscars and maybe do some speedballs with Marky Mark someplace. Nice to see you guys get top effort out of the undead.

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