Overheard at the Combine

We're way too cool to attend the NFL Combine/Sausage Festival, but our spies are lurking behind ever corner...and safety. The following are snippets of conversations overheard by said spies.

Peter King to Joe Flacco...
"If you want to get anywhere in this league you'll start answering my text messages, young man."

Roger Goodell to Zygi Wilf...
"I'd be scouting a new left tackle if I were you."

Unknown media member...
"Sure, I appreciate Mayock's attention to detail, but he should leave the rectal exams to the doctors."

Michael David Smith...
"If you talk to Rob King tell him I said hi, and ask if him he got the fruit basket."

Bob Kraft into cellphone...
"Mike Haht? Fahk that daaahkie, I just watched that Jacob Hestah smoke his ass. We don't even need Mahs, we'll just play the Hestah kid at wideout. He looks like he's wicked smaht and hahd werkin. I'm tellin' ya, if we line Welkah up opposite Hestah we can't fackin' lose!"

Mike Florio to a janitor...
"Can I cite you as an unnamed source?"

Unknown player...
"This is whole thing is a bit Kevin Spacey, if you know what I'm sayin'."

We know what you're saying, unknown player, we know.

SUPER SEXY UPDATE:

Darren McFadden into cellphone...
"Nah baby, you can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt."

NFL Scouting Bukkake: The Combine Part 2

This is what you'd look like if you were a vegan and you'd just seen Reggie Nelson trap and eat a live gazelle.

Today we're thrilled to welcome back our exclusive Combine scout, the re-animated River Phoenix

This blogging thing is out of control man (seriously though, what the fuck did you guys do to Wil Wheaton? I told him Star Trek was a bad idea). I just told some guy what I was doing here and he told me that my old friend Flea was blogging for the NBA. Apparently everybody that was there when I died went mainstream. Bastards...

The only experience less thrilling than watching defensive backs running 40's was playing a gay pseudo-Falstaff opposite Keanu Reeves. Why isn't he dead yet?... The two safeties everybody clamored to see were Laron Landry and Reggie Nelson. Landry ran a 4.32 to Nelson's 4.53 (Deion thinks the dreads were worth .1, and you people say he went clean). Nelson gained hasty revenge when he beat Landry unconscious with a pylon--good to see him get his swagger back... Former Terp Josh Wilson led his group with a 4.35. Rich Eisen just said, "that's one fast turtle!" HAHAHAHA! Please put me back in the ground now...

These guys sure make funny noises when they run. I think Brandon Meriweather just ejaculated at the finish line--that's gotta slow you down a step or two... Damien Hughes ran a 4.7-something 40 and his vertical test made him look like a white guy. A little bit of advice young man, whenever I had a bad audition I wasn't afraid to suck the occasional cock. I saw that look in Vinny Cerrato's freaky eyes...

Sabby Piscetelli reminds me of a young Marky Mark (now I know he's dead, right?)... Aaron Ross was trained for the 40 by his world record holding girlfriend. He just ran a 4.45 before the testicles fell out of his shorts... If I had lived I'm convinced I could have become Governor of California by now... I fucked Helen Mirren on the set of Mosquito Coast. Just sayin'...

Thanks River! Check back later for a combine wrap-up from our esteemed scout..

NFL Scouting Bukkake: The Combine

"Hey Joaquin, I'm gonna sell this and buy a week's worth of speedballs. You want in on that?"

It's combine time, so we here at KSK asked a high-ranking scout to analyze the prospect's workouts.

There's nothing quite like Indianapolis in February. It almost makes me wish I'd never been re-animated... Even though a lot of prospects think they're too good to participate in the workouts (they aren't) there's still a lot to be seen. For instance, Joe Thomas proved that he can in fact run 40 yards quite effectively for an offensive tackle... JaMarcus Russel's a fatty fatty boombolatty... Some receiver Yamon Figurs ran a 4.3 40. Even though he only has three fingers he's now expected to go to the Raiders in the second round. At least he can still order a glass of scotch at the Viper Room.

Calvin Johnson is 6'5" 239 with a 4.35 40. He also pisses excellence while shitting pieces of the True Cross. Matt Millen and Al Davis had such an intense reaction they had to be escorted out by mental health professionals for further examination and treatment... Troy Smith says he's not working out because he just came off the banquet circuit which is known to cause shortness and weakening of the throwing arm. Hey, has anybody seen Chris Penn?

Brady Quinn's trainer told him to be a bear before beginning the bench press exercise. Quinn asked if he could still be a bottom. 24 reps, that's 1 for every guy that's going before him in the first round. Even I didn't spend this much time mugging for the cameras (and I was smoldering)... Jarvis Moss just sacked Troy Smith again... Isn't there any god damn coke in this fucking city? If I don't get a bump I'm gonna tear out Kiper's throat with my teeth...

Syndric Steptoe might be short (5'8 5/8")--but he's also slow (4.52)! To be fair he was probably just caught up in that banquet circuit, those award shows are really banging down his door... Robert Meechum is really good, he just beat the record for the gauntlet drill (previously held by Questor the Elf)... Florida State's Chris Davis just fell over his feet on both attempts at the short shuttle drill. After proclaiming himself as Christ Almighty he underwent treatment for Lyme Disease... I need a drink.

Thanks River! We'll have more from our esteemed scout coming soon.