Wednesday, February 7, 2007

KSK Blind Item! Drunk Before The Super Bowl!


We largely tend to shy away from posting actual rumors here at KSK. Why? Because they’re almost always wrong. And our business is comedy and unabashed vitriol, not half-assed reportage. Alas, we have been sent a nugget that’s simply too juicy to pass up. But it involves a player that, frankly, I have become extremely fond of. As such, I have decided to couch this rumor in my preferred form of gossip… The Blind Item!

Which starting QB and carnal weapon of mass destruction was seen partying into the wee hours the night BEFORE the Super Bowl? An intrepid reader sends in this tip!

“I'm a regular reader of KSK and figured I'd pass this along. A (friend of a friend of mine) works security and was hired to work at the clubs this weekend. He said that (the horny bazooka) was out til 4 a.m. the night before the Super Bowl at a club called Rolex. He took some pictures but was forced to delete them. I was hoping to get the pictures but just found out this morning. I guess without the pictures it’s not much of a story, but thought you'd enjoy anyways. The guy said, right after that night, they made all the employees delete the pictures and if any pictures got out they'd all be fired.

After seeing how f'd up (the grenade launcher of love) was, he called to make sure we didn't bet on the Bears. Said he had been out Friday and Saturday night.”

Who could it be? Your guesses in the comments!

70 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

Tony Dungy.

Big Daddy Drew said...

My thoughts exactly.

Basshole said...

No. It's obviously one of the Bears: It was Lovie.

Chilly Jackwater said...

Virginia McCaskey

Unsilent Majority said...

I really wish our intrepid readers could get us this information before the gambling deadline.

Christmas Ape said...

Katie Couric.

epsknows said...

Horny bazooka? Oh, that has to be the laser rocket arm quarterback, I mean look at his neck length if that doesn't scream bazooka I don't know what does.

Yeah, that information would have been real cool around 5:30 Sunday, not 11:30 Wednesday.

epsknows said...

Horny bazooka? Oh, that has to be the laser rocket arm quarterback, I mean look at his neck length if that doesn't scream bazooka I don't know what does.

Yeah, that information would have been real cool around 5:30 Sunday, not 11:30 Wednesday.

Unsilent Majority said...

Was it an astronaut?

grungedave said...

when did Tiger Woods start lending his caddy out for use by Bears?

Mike said...

It's obvious: Peyton Manning.

He was so hungover, so foggy-headed, he completely forgot to choke.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Wow, Jeff Saturday can really hold his liquor.

Big Daddy Drew said...

UM wins.duz

becky said...

That Brad Maynard is INCORRIGIBLE.

Bouj said...

Was McCaskey the one not wearing panties at the Penthouse Party? Or was that Georgia Fontinierre of the Rams? I can never tell them apart...

Grimey said...

The reanimated corpse of Terry Bradshaw?

flubby said...

Tenzing Norgay?

devang said...

Was McCaskey the one not wearing panties at the Penthouse Party? Or was that Georgia Fontinierre of the Rams? I can never tell them apart..

I really like the taste of regurgitated turkey. Fuck you very much bouj.

Muhsin Mohammed drinks?

becky said...

That Brad Maynard is INCORRIGIBLE.

devang said...

Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono?

thirdstringjd said...

Obviously this is Kyle Orton - and it would only be surprising if he wasn't out drinking until 4 am the night before the Super Bowl.

Landru said...

Duh. Sarah Spain.

Since, y'know, UM already (righteously) won.

goto11 said...

Carnal weapon of mass destruction? Grenade launcher of love? It was obviously Mr. Marine himself, Captain Caveman, working Miami and partying throughout the night so he could come back and tell us how he didn't nail Sarah Spain.

Jackin'4Beats said...

It was clearly Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Those Iranians are some really wacky people.

the dude said...

Jeez when did KSK blog become On the DL blog?

In that case Doug Waechter!

anon said...

I'd love to laugh at this, but (unless I'm missing the joke) this is too f-ing depressing for words.

What a cunt.

Bathroom Jones said...

Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the rope.

Walklett said...

Who would ever go to a club called Rolex!?? What a gay name. No way R.G.(if that's really who it was) would be caught dead in a place like that.
They probably have some stupid catch phrase like: It's "TIME" to party!!

Awful Chief said...

I just learned from an online publication that The Rolex "is a strip club, but it's a club as well." I'm fucking intrigued. Does this mean that there are strippers that dance on the dance floor instead of on a stage?
Oh well, it may have been in the wee hours of the morning, but at least he probably covered someone's spread on Super Bowl Sunday.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Katie Couric would do something like that. She is a liberal bitch ya know.

anon said...

> ...but at least he probably covered someone's spread on Super Bowl Sunday.

I know I said I wouldn't laugh, but Awful Chief just got me.

+100

McFad said...

Gotta be Jim Sorgi. Ever since OSU's Robert Reynolds on-field choking incident he's been a loose cannon

lieutenant winslow said...

uh... guys. if this is the same Club Rolex i am thinking of...

it is, ummmmm, how do i say this politely? not for the melaninally challenged?

Chris said...

It was obviously James Dungy. That guy knows how to party.

I am going to have to ask for a judges ruling but I do believe that was over line.

HofC said...

- the grenade launcher of love
- the horny bazooka


Sounds like euphamisms for Sex Cannon to me....

T. said...

Obviously Ron Fucking Mexico

www.adventuresofronmexico.blogspot.com

Kyle said...

Footsteps Falco?

Assimilated White said...

George Halas

Assimilated White said...

Seriuosly, the things I would do to Katie Couric most wouldn't do to a farm animal

psychopathy checklist said...

I am going to have to ask for a judges ruling but I do believe that was over line.

yeah because this blog is nothing but class.

Clint said...

damn.

Otto Man said...

Is this the end of Zombie Brian Piccolo?

Lou Pickney said...

Kyle Orton

Bathroom Jones said...

BILL BRASKY!!!

My Insignificant Life said...

Maybe it was Sean Salisbery and "lil Sean"...check the camera on your cell phone....but I'm not sure he covered any spread on Sunday morning; because there was only 1 QB who can cover a spread on Super Sunday......but, I doubt it was the Sex Cannon because he was warming up with the Circus Soleil chicks making sure that they were well stretched and limber for their routine later in the day on Sunday.

albaNY Hawker said...

Drunk the night before affecting his Super Bowl performance? My guess is Bill Leavy!

impresario919 said...

Hey, you know what someone should do? Someone should totally make a post where they act all confident about knowing who the "mystery person" is, but then...(wait for it)...they should name someone who is obviously NOT the person in question! That would be hilarious! People reading would be all "What? It couldn't possibly be THAT person...oh, I understand the joke now. You got me!"

But it would only be funny once. If it happened more than that, it would be gay.

Biggus Rickus said...

Are we talking Kevin Spacey gay or Andrew Ridgley gay?

psychopathy checklist said...

Hey guys, an email was just forwarded to me by Walter Payton saying that Len Bias and Mario Danelo were witnessed doing lines of coke off of Jimmy Valvano's cock by the 1970 Marshall football team. Unfortunately there haven't been any pictures released, YET - some say Darrent Williams had his digital camera with him. We can only pray.

srdmat2 said...

I really think it is Rex Grossman.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now that was just wrong. And gay.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Peter King? Trolling for another porcolonic?

Bouj said...

Are we talking Kevin Spacey gay or Andrew Ridgley gay?

So my choices are "Has a fake wife"-gay or "Hangs with Mr. Gloryhole"-gay? Shouldn't there be a third Ted Haggerty-esque "Acts like homosexuality can be cured in 3 weeks but still secretly loves the cock and claims he's not gay because the guy sucking his dick is the gay one"-gay option?

TheBigO said...

Don't be stupid it was Barbaro. He ain't dead he's chillin on an Island in the south Pacific w/ Tupac and Elvis.

Matt T said...

the intrepid reader was probably drunk somewhere and couldn't provide the info before sunday.

Just a hunch though.

Dan Mega said...

Interesting how this only comes out after the game, not before. I smell BS all the way.

In any case, someone else correctly guessed it was Virginia McCaskey. Siragusa was seen doing body shots from her cleavage.

Nope said...

While The Goose was doing body shots, Irvin was snorting some blow out of her wizard sleeve.

Mickey Free said...

when he got to the door he said, "tell them R. Grossman is here... wait no! thats too obvious... just tell them Rex G. is here!"

t said...

If he hadn't been out the night before, would he really have been much better?

Jackin'4Beats said...

He probably had KY on his hands from the night before when he made those two 2nd half throws.

That Guy said...

The obvious:

Joe Namath.

PANGER said...

Tenzing Norgay?

was taking a sip of java as i read that. my computer screen is now coffee-colored.

Communist Dan said...

Since Rolex isn't a gay bar, you know it wasn't Peyton Manning.

Could it have been John Elway partying it up with a plumpy Tyra Banks? It seems Mr. Elway has a fondness for women of the ebony persuasion... John Elway's Myspace!?

Communist Dan said...

Scratch that last link - Here's the one that works: John Elway's Myspace

DougOLis said...

Was it Simmons? We haven't heard from that guy in days; Saturday come to think of it.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

Let's not judge- it worked for Max McGee, and he had to slip bed check too!

Mike said...

Nah, it wasn't Simmons, he was/is just mourning "Peyton Can't Win the Big One."

I say it was Devin Hester. If he wasn't out, he would have been able to scoop up the squib kicks.

Peralta said...

Hey guys, an email was just forwarded to me by Walter Payton saying that Len Bias and Mario Danelo were witnessed doing lines of coke off of Jimmy Valvano's cock by the 1970 Marshall football team. Unfortunately there haven't been any pictures released, YET - some say Darrent Williams had his digital camera with him. We can only pray.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

It had to be Adam Vinatieri, seeing that is his place of work.

Critical Fanatic said...

haha, ESPN Radio 1000 in Chicago just read this post live. Good stuff.

psychopathy checklist said...

good times.