Monday, February 5, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Super Bowl XLI


-The Monday after the Super Bowl needs to be made real holiday. Everything right now is way too fucking bright. Flourescent light is the enemy of happiness.

-This assuredly lackluster edition of the Gamebook came to you from the lovely Georgetown apartment of Unsilent Majority. I walked in, and there were two two-foot bongs sitting on the coffee table. Oh, to be 23 again. I brought chili, chips, sour cream, and a small bag of chopped scallion garnish, all prepared by me. Call me gay. I don’t fucking care. The scallions make the dish, dammit.

-Also joining us was Christmas Ape, whose right arm was covered in cat scratch marks. And I mean covered. It looked like he had gotten into a fight with a rosebush. Apparently, Jean Grey morphs into Phoenix all too often. Ape says it happened while “playing”. Ape, you may be thinking it’s playtime, but I assure you that fucking cat has nothing but homicide on its mind. Kill that fucking evil creature before it overtakes you.

-UM also provided forty jumbo wings. For three of us. Plus chili. My asshole is charred. I need to douse my toilet paper in witch hazel to accelerate the healing process.

-The pregame show might have been the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The Cirque de Soleil show managed to trump an Olympic opening ceremony in both gayness and inexplicable spectacle (“I cannot find my bag of rainbows!”). And Katie Couric looked like she had just been kicked out of Rex Grossman’s bed. Horrible.

-Phil Simms is slowly morphing into Terry Bradshaw.

-Also, in the pregame Peyton Manning had giant red triangle imprinted on his forehead. It looked like he had been wearing a helmet three sizes too small for hours prior to the game. And I can see that happening. I wonder if Manning ever just walks around in his uniform with his helmet on during odd hours. As if he has no other mode of function. I bet he slept in his uniform Saturday night.

-Lesley Visser in HD looks like something out of “The Dark Crystal”. I really didn’t need to see that.

-This was not the world’s greatest game, so the conversation flowed freely during the course of the evening. Conversation topics ranged from 80’s Australian pop band Icehouse (“I just freeze every time that you’re near me and it’s all over you, ELECTRIC BLUE!”), to Ape’s very dated NetFlix queue (Next up: “Head Office” and “The Heavenly Kid”) to local DC strip clubs. One of the better-known DC strip joints is a place called “Good Guys”. I can’t think of a more poorly named heterosexual strip club. Would you walk into a strip club named Good Guys? You’d expect seeing Adam Vinatieri on the pole more than Nikki Tyler.

-What the fuck is going on with Jimmy Irsay’s mustache? It’s got a mini-Hitler embedded right in the center. Or is his top lip crevice so deep that it casts its own shadow? Either way, Malcolm Glazer has a new rival for weirdest facial hair among NFL owners.

-This may be the end of Rex Grossman as a starting QB for the Bears. He’ll probably be back next year, but almost certainly with competition for the job. And the world will be a little sadder for that. Grossman is many things: inconsistent, turnover-prone, sexually deviant. But one thing he is not is boring. And in a league that all too often rewards bland robotic discipline (see the MVP), that’s getting a little harder to come by. Let this not be your last hurrah, Sex Cannon. The world needs your arm to do pussies harm.

-That “King of the Negroes” joke was hilarious when I was drunk.

-Congrats to the Colts. But, more importantly, congratulations to me for winning $10 on the Colts, my only sports bet of the year. Pay up, UM, you fat fuck.

-I had two options for driving home last night with a few beers in me: take the Canal Road to the Beltway, or shoot right down on Wisconsin Ave. One way involved high speeds and no stoplights, the other had stoplights every 500 yards or so. Here’s my question: when you’re drinking and driving, which route is better? Should you take the route that forces you to go slower and stop occasionally, or hit the gas? I took the latter. Fuck that slow shit.

-And now we enter into the horrid offseason. Lest you think we at KSK will rest on our laurels, you are wrong. Football season may be over, but Dick Joke season is all year round. We’ll also get to cover awesome offseason events like the Cowboys coaching search (Chan Gailey’s free!), the combine (or as I like to call it, “Hardbodies III”), free agency, the draft, and the inevitable player arrests. Frankly, I’m excited. My team blows, so the offseason provides me with weekend upon weekend of the Vikings NOT shitting all over the field. And for that, we should all be grateful. Now leave me the fuck alone. I need a nap.

56 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

I'll leave you the money in my will.

And just so everybody knows that Drew is joking, that second bong was on the window sill because it's broken.

Dick.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

The most interesting part of the National Anthem was not the prop bet but the close up of a Bear player's eyes. Did anyone else notice that his pupils were COMPLETELY dilated? I mean there was no color at all. It looked like he was tripping on at least three hits of pure LCD.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Ah, bong's on a sill...nothing like free advertising that you have plenty of smoke in the house.


And it's a beautiful thing that I now work from home. Don't even have to turn on the lights and the blinds are shut.

I'm going back to bed.

Unsilent Majority said...

UZH, He was wearing Nike/Bausch and Lomb MaxSight contact lenses.

http://www.nike.com/nikevision/main.html#section=product&subSection=product_maxsight

The Pirate Sloth said...

Undead - I think those were the special contact lenses that are anti-reflective or something like that. Someone do the googling.

Mark said...

I love to go to Good Guys and order food and then pretend that I'm just in a nudist restaurant.

Red Line said...

Is good guys actually decent? I've considered stopping by many times but never have. In my experience, DC strip clubs, for the most part, blow.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Contacts, huh? Well I'll be damned. That was anti-climatic.

I'm disappointed.

doug_plank said...

Peanut Tillman was the player with the possesed eyes.


"Avert your eyes children, he may take on different forms!!!"

Unsilent Majority said...

i thought only jews were shape shifters

FenwayFaithful78 said...

I know almost every city/town/township/county/holler has strip clubs but I just can't picture them in DC. Everyone seems too freakin uptight here.

I almost choked when I heard there was a gay bar AND a goth bar in Old Town. I still don't believe it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

doug_plank said...

After the pre game show of "Salute to Homoeroticism in Vivid Color", I just kept thinking that the terrorists have won.

Why couldn't the fly by happened earlier and dropped some bunk busters.

Unsilent Majority said...

too uptight? dc's as liberal as it gets. the tightasses all commute.

The Philly Phlash said...

Take Wisconsin Avenue and stop in at JP's, the District's skaggiest strip club.

JD said...

So what your saying is you felt right at home with your chopped scallion garnish and the gay pregame show?

highonLowe said...

I may have said this here before but fuck it, you can read it again. My bachelor party was in DC, for a Nats/Cubs game, not for the strip clubs, went to Archibald's and Camelot. The Camelot waitresses are very friendly, especially turkish ones.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Ape, you may be thinking it’s playtime, but I assure you that fucking cat has nothing but homicide on its mind. Kill that fucking evil creature before it overtakes you

That made me laugh out loud.

Ape, word of advice, NO MEANS NO. Stop sneaking up on that cat from behind, or she will slash your throat one of these days.

BDD - solid post as always, we were debating the merits of making Monday a holiday or just playing the game on Saturday night instead. I think either option would work, but good luck to getting that extra holiday.

Philly's where it's at for bachelor parties. Trust me on this one.

highonLowe said...

and you definitely want to go freeway when driving intoxicated. Besides the fun, the HP can't set up a checkpoint on the freeway

Perks said...

Glad you didn't take Wisconsin, your odds of being pulled over were exponentially worse, I'd bet. Plus, has any other DC resident noticed that they are ticketing and pulling heads over for just about anything recently? Fenty must need some cash to work on, because I owe at least 300 right now for bullshit.

By the way, BDD, Rextacy would've taken the Canal-> Beltway too. Going 100. With bitches from Good Guys and Camelot in the attached trailor.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I'm sort of partial to the Royal Palace on Connecticut Avenue, myself.
Some of the nastiest stippers ever. Almost to the level of Charm City strippers.

highonLowe said...

Almost forgot, theres an effort to make the day after the superbowl a national holiday, American Sports Day.
www.superbowlmonday.com

Unsilent Majority said...

And that's why we love Siobhan

SteveJeltzFan said...

Take Wisconsin Avenue and stop in at JP's, the District's skaggiest strip club

Archibald's takes offense to this statement.

the chief said...

Respect the REXECUTION.

The Angry Rant said...

You North America-bound hosers.

You want a good strip club? Four letters:

G-U-A-M.

I don't even bother going to strip clubs in the states anymore. That's like watching Little House on the Prairie reruns when you need a '24' fix.

devang said...

What, no Clint slurping BDD's cock and calling everyone else a retard? COuld it be that he has gone the way of beantown?

BTW, speaking of skanky strip clubs, come to Jersey once.

Unsilent Majority said...

come to Jersey once.

I did. Once.

john said...

when i went to school in annapolis i had many a fine evening at night shift somewhere outside baltimore (we never knew exactly where it was.. maybe around towson or something). five dollar cover, tons of girls and even byob if you wanted. nice.

Drizztdj said...

Please for the love of Purple Pride, don't let them draft Quinn.

Clint said...

BDD, great post as always.

UM is a fat ass? For the love of God this just gets better and better, how much does the toad weigh?

And for the record devang, you conch-shell listening jizz gargler, I never said all the others that post here were 'retards', dick. I just said if Unsilent is going to act like a hard ass I'd at least like to read something of his that mixes in a sense of humor. Bitch tits.

rdg said...

Hahah Good Guys. Believe it or not, it was heavily debated what to name that place. But in the end Marketing was right and they decided not to go with Ugly Women.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

UM you can be liberal and be a tight ass..look at the Kennedy's.

umm..bad example....umm...

Otto Man said...

Next time you're in Atlanta, check out the Clermont Lounge. It's conveniently located in the basement of a pay-by-the-week flophouse called the Clermont Hotel.

The place is so skanky, they should give out free tetanus shots at the door. The star attraction is a 260-lb. middle-aged black woman named Blondie, whose signature move is crushing beer cans between her breasts.

If you like social trainwrecks, it's a hoot. I only braved it twice. The first time, we were there when the power went out. It's pitch black, we're surrounded by people fresh from lockup and probabtion hearings, and then the overweight, snaggeltoothed stripper on the main "stage" screams out "Don't nobody touch me! Don't NOBODY touch me!"

Good times. Good times.

Brando said...

Icehouse?!! Hilarious. Even the guys in Icehouse probably were not thinking about Icehouse yesterday.

There is nothing good about Good Guys.

christoff said...

I always take the way home with less lights - set cruise control and that way all you have to worry about is weaving.

If you take local roads you may end up forgetting to stop when the light turns red (or my favorite: waiting for the stop sign to turn green)

Mike said...

I looked up "American Football" in a dictionary and "French Circus" was listed as the antonym.

Lance Bass cruising for sausage in Dupont Circle is less gay than that pre-game show.

The Last Unitard said...

Why the hell were you watching the pregame anyway? Did you actually think that this time might be better than all the others?

I spent that precious time juggling drugs and alcohol while grilling (excellent) hot dogs.

I was so fucked up by kickoff that during the crazy-ass first quarter I thought I was watching Star Wars. It was great.

Mike said...

I figured that since I was eating and drinking my hosts out of house & home, it'd be bad form to scream, "Turn off that goddamn pre-game show."

Might've scared the women who were prsent (my wife not included -- I obeyed The Rules).

Rusty said...

Good Guys have $10 shots with no alcohol in them. At least JPs gets you drunk.

I wouldn't recommend actually looking at any of the girls at JPs though.

Also, take Wisconsin next time. The Naval Hospital is just gorgeous this time of year.

Code Monkey Master said...

i'd say go to camelot if ya gotta go...but really, go out of the city to some sketched out strip club in PG county or somethin. Least you can get a lap dance out there unlike DC...i've said too much.

Awful Chief said...

I have never understood the allure of strip clubs in municipalities such as DC where lap dances are not allowed.

Can't complain though...cutting out strip clubs more or less levels the cost of living increase from Detroit to DC.

the george said...

you eat with your eyes first, bitches. i put scallions on my nachos too.

Q. said...

Frankly, I'm disappointed you all missed Spencer Tillman's "report" from the Bears' team hotel before the game...

Spencer Tillman: "Guys, Grossman is worried about how the rain might affect his grip on the balls. He's taking precautions and had the equipment crew rub off the protective layer on all the balls."

Ski said...

having been to only camelot (and CCR in VA), which club is better, camelot or good guys?

and is baltimore the closest place to go for a decent lap dance? i grew up on mons venus in tampa so I've been a bit spoiled when it comes to strippers

Clint said...

I spent that precious time juggling drugs and alcohol while grilling (excellent) hot dogs.

I was so fucked up by kickoff that during the crazy-ass first quarter I thought I was watching Star Wars. It was great.


First time partying? You sound like my old frat bro's girlfriend. "OMG I was sooo sooo drunk!" fag. You should get out more.

"Ughhhh I'm a hard ass with a big cock, who drinks his ass off and swabbles drugs all in a good days work....BEFORE kickoff!"

Otto Man said...

Do we have odds on Clint getting banned from the site?

save the steagles said...

Clint, you seem to harbor a lot of hate for this site, its writers, and its readers, yet you comment more frequently than readers who actually derive pleasure from the site and its entries.

And who started the idea that a high alcohol tolerance was an attractive trait in a man? Lord knows how downing 20 cans of Natty became a way to steal a girl’s heart, but I believe I speak for many in saying, I am not impressed.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

1:1 I hope.

He's been leaving comments like that on various blogs. All that pent up hostility must be due to the extra Y chromosome. Plus, I think he's a Bengals fan....

swing4 said...

I just hope they rerun the Puppy Bowl.

Landru said...

Good Guys is the filthiest strip joint I've ever been thrown out of (it was my buddy's fault, I swear).

River Road. It smells better than Canal Road (less of an issue when it's 12 fucking degrees, I admit), it avoids the roadblocks MPD likes to puke up when the Georgetown bars divest themselves of Eurotrash, and it's a straight shot to where I live in North Fuckyou/West Bumfuck, but not a bad way to just get to the Beltway, either.

Landru said...

Oh, and I also concede that the Royal Palace may be filthier--I've never been in it, although it's right around the corner from my office. Input on this topic would be welcome.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Landru: I used to look out my office window at Royal Palace. I was a single guy. I never, EVER had the balls to go in there.

I hope you work on the top floor of Universal South.

Rusty said...

Someone asked Camelot v. Good Guys? Um, not even close. Camelot. Good Guys is only good if you want to stop in at Whole Foods to make change.

I work one block from Camelot and it's worth it to time your lunch break around their shift changes. Girls be gorgeous. And it's next door to the cheapest liquor store in town!

dusty said...

As a former resident of Mclean VA I can testify all the uptight fuckwits lived in my neighborhood. They had NO sense of humor when I shot the doorjam off my front door when I found my husbands firearm left in the unlocked position.

He never did it again.

Love your post BDD, you rock as usual.

Landru said...

Larry: U North. My window's on the back side, and U South blocks my view of The Palace.

Our top floor is uptight lawyers with their own express elevator.

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