Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I Think I’ll Have The Chicken


What are you having, dear? Quail? Ooh. Sounds exotic. Oh, me? Well, you know me. I think I’ll have the chicken.

Yes, I know I order it every time, but doggone it if I don’t like it. Besides, all this other stuff on here looks potentially exciting. This steak comes with a small thing of horseradish on the side, and horseradish has a real kick! No, that’s too adventurous for me. Good old chicken does the trick. In fact, I may have the chef just boil it and serve it to me unadorned. But I’ll be sure to have him boil it thoroughly. I wouldn’t want to get salmonella!

Hello, waiter! Jeez, he’s been ignoring me for hours. Maybe I should raise my voice just a teeny tiny bit. Umm, waiter? Yes, I know that wasn’t louder, dear. I’m building up to it. I can’t just go from zero to apoplectic in two seconds! If I turn and look at him with longing eyes for a solid hour or two, he may notice me.

Hey, where are you going? What do you mean, this always happens when we go out? Well dear, these waiters are very busy. You can’t expect them to serve EVERY table. Some may fall by the wayside. Like ours. Every time. Yes, I’m being assertive! I just furrowed my brow at him! And you know how hard it is for me to furrow.

You know what? We can just go home. You make chicken for me every night just the way I like it. No need to visit some fancy restaurant for it. Just good ol’ chicken, unsalted rice, and tap water. Mmmmmm, delicious! I can hardly wait!

Why are you crying? What do you mean, you can’t live this lie anymore? You’re what? You’re sleeping with another man? Well, who is he? Jim? Oh, Jim’s a really nice guy. And he’s sleeping with you? Why, that sly old coot! Boy, I guess he really knows how to please a woman. Wish I could do that. Maybe I’ll ask him for advice.

Am I mad? I guess I should be. But I don’t want to be rocking the boat too much here. If you’re happy loving another man, well I’d hate to get in your way. Divorce? Okay, if you want. 75% to you sound good? I don’t want to be any trouble. Yes, yes. You can have the houses and children as well. I’ll stay at the Motel 6. They’re very nice there. Plus they have pay-per-view television, so I can masturbate quietly and then cry myself to sleep.

Now, where’s that chicken?

28 comments:

Chamomiles Davis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chamomiles Davis said...

Ouch. It's like my life in ten years.

Drew, where's your piece on Kenny Chesney's "I swear to Christ I'm NOT GAY!" interview after his marriage to Renee Zellweger was annulled? (She claimed "fraud" as the reason for annulment -- which is code for "he spends more time with his Super Bowl champion than me.")

devang said...

This could double as an Art Shell post. Actually that would be a you tube clip of snow on a TV.

Otto Man said...

Mock Norv all you want, but I'm thrilled he's taking over the reins in San Diego.

Of course, I'm a Chiefs fan.

Chris said...

Otto you always push for someone from the undead zombie whored to take over each new coaching position that opens up. Well you finally got your wish...

Walklett said...

I never realized what a nancy-boy Norv is. Hilarious stuff.

MCBias said...

Don't forget the part where his middle-school aged daughter calls them at the restaurant, and he says "I really wish you wouldn't go to Vegas with that 25-year-old janitor in our apartment building. In fact, I insist that you both call me daily while you're there...ok, maybe once while you're there...send me a postcard...get me a souvenir?"

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Its a popsicle in my favorite flavor...plain!

Matt said...

KSK needs less dialogue from 3rd parties and more commentary.

for the funnie to continue to be present. for the win. seriously.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!111!!1one!one

peytonloveskenny said...

What would happen if Norv had to coach The Sex Cannon?

highonlowe said...

Watch out, Norv on the rebound. He'll take a woman to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!

ColeTrain said...

Sure thing, I can send over some videos. Your wife can really rock the cock when I get her high on coke.

Enjoy the PPV,

Jim

liquid_d said...

you forgot these quotes from norv's bio " My favorite color is clear. I love the smell of air and the taste of water"

Jackin'4Beats said...

Well our good buddy Peter King (the real one) likes the Norv hiring so there's no way in hell the Chargers can have a winning record now.

Oh and his favorite shoes are Pro-Keds, like the ones Mr. Rogers used to wear...you know the ones boys and girls???

Can we start bashing Bill Simmons and his utter douchyness again?

lieutenant winslow said...

Hey Norv,

I fucked Katie too man

McFad said...

- You feel like dancin' Norv-t?

- No, dear.

WeJamEcono said...

As a Steelers fan, I'm happy the west division is in turmoil next year.

Maryland Orioles' Fan said...

Why is Norv Turner coaching? Why does he have the keys to the Ferrari?

Should he not be driving like a Ford Taurus?

Yuck, as a Skins' fan I am recoiling after seeing his mug.

Nice guy though...

peytonloveskenny said...

A Taurus? I would think he should be driving something more like a Pinto. Or this.

Smello said...

There's now a chance my Raiders won't be last in their division. Woo hoo!! I can keep hope alive.

Grimey said...

Thank you, orioles fan, for making me feel better about the car I drive.

Here's to Erik Bedard dying in a fire.

casserolemistake said...

Norv's favorite 4th of July firework? Black snakes. Sparklers are ostentatious and a little touch-and-go.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Chris,

Undead Zombie Whored? I like it!

http://www.fangoria.com/
graphics/articles/2784_article.jpg

Awful Chief said...

white on white meat crime

Larry Bird Flu said...

there's no way Norv would ever masturbate. Too great a chance someone might catch him or he'd soil his sheets (or sock, underpants, etc.)

Barney said...

http://photos.mongabay.com/07/0222fisherman.jpg

Speaking of chicken, I'm pretty sure the Sex Cannon is gonna wanna fuck that.

- Barney

A.R.P. said...

Get used to:

"Well, we're going to take some positives from this one."

or

"3rd and long? DRAW! DRAW! DRAW!"

oh, who am I kidding? I can't hate on those flesh-eating bacteria infested jowls. Welcome back to the NFL Norv, I'm just sorry it wasn't with the Cowboys.

dusty said...

Somehow I knew BDD would write something up about Norv. I felt the energy when I clicked over to KSK.

I ain't handling it too well, but somehow you made me feel better about the Chargers new coach..not enough to care, just better.

Bless you drew. Now, will you kill him for me?