Friday, February 9, 2007

Dispatch from Miami: The Motorola Mile

Captain Caveman is safely back in the confines of Brooklyn, but he'll continue sharing stories from Miami until... probably forever. Today: Saturday afternoon's visit to the Motorola Mile.

Following the bizarre misadventures of Friday night, I wake up at the crack of 2 p.m., sharp as a cloud of fog. Vaguely aware of some event on the beach that had models or cheerleaders playing volleyball or Jell-O wrestling or something, I decide to get out to soak in some Super Bowl culture.

Well, the beach is dead, but one block away and parallel on Ocean Drive is the Motorola Mile. As you can see, it's a goddam zoo:

(Click to enlarge)

I fucking hate crowds. I steer away from the masses of Bears jerseys, Bears hats, the guy marching down the street playing "Bear Down Chicago Bears" on a trombone (not rusty), and three or four people in Colts paraphernalia and walk toward a large stage that's been set up.

What's on stage, you ask? Not music, that's for sure. There's not a chance in hell there's any decent music here. Not with Middle America and corporate sponsors out in force, anyway. So what's going on? Well, my friends, the answer is corporate synergy! In redhead form!

(Not too shabby, right? I mean, I'd pay rent to live in her ass.)

If you look closely, you'll see the Crunch gym logo on her little tank top, and indeed, Crunch had a little fleet of hotties doing some kind of dance routine (with one muscled dude getting in the way of the sexiness).

And I says to myself, I says, "Self, these pictures are sexy, but you know what would be sexier?"

"What's that?"

"Video."

"Yeah, too bad I don't have -- ohhhhh." And then I realize what I was trying to get at: my little digital camera takes video.


After sealing my fate as a lifelong creep by taking video of women shaking their asses for a website supposedly about football, I need to shake up my day a little. Something to revitalize me. After all, I've been wandering around on the beach all afternoon without any water, and my hangover is starting to get loose, throwing roundhouses instead of jabs -- and taking the gloves off to do it.

There's only one solution here.

Hydrating AND intoxicating

It's bender time.

30 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Hydrating AND intoxicating

The beer or the red head?

Scrap said...

Holy ####.

I may have to leave work now. That redhead pumping her ### about killed me.

Otto Man said...

Damn, that ass had more shake and shimmy in it than a paint mixer at Home Depot.

I haven't been this transfixed since the Hypnotoad.

MDG said...

I tell you what nothing tastes better then a cold coors light on the beach after a massive night of drinking. just enough H2O and just enough uncle Al.

Signal to Noise said...

That ass has some serious V6 power behind it.

Coors Light = Colorado Kool-Aid, and perfect for the exact reason MDG brought up.

Lou Pickney said...

That video is worth watching to see the redhead shake her ass. Now that's entertainment!

MDT said...

I propose Redhead Fridays to get us through the cold, dark offseason

Craig said...

Willing to bet there are hardwood floors to match those drapes.

Byrd said...

CC, and I don't use this word lightly, you, sir, are America's greatest hero.

Otto Man said...

That video is worth watching to see the redhead shake her ass.

Tell me about it. It's almost like that's the reason CC recorded it and posted it here.

Willing to bet there are hardwood floors to match those drapes.

Well played, sir.

Awful Chief said...

I know there are other poor bastards out there who are dying right now because their place of work makes it impossible to view this video. It's going to be a long afternoon.

The Last Unitard said...

A big 10-4, chief. Goddamn computer nazis taking all the fun out of not doing any work.

Basshole said...

After sealing my fate as a lifelong creep by taking video of women shaking their asses for a website supposedly about football...

If you're really having qualms with this, you could say that you only did it for your readers.

save the steagles said...

The person standing in front of you was taping her too. And they say Miami isn't classy.

Walklett said...

I'm with you CC, it's either rusty trombone or none at all.

larrybrownsports.com said...

I'm still dizzy from that...the chick had more shakes than Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf...thanks for sharing

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm pretty god damned sure that that ass would break me in two.

Wait, let me watch it again.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Yup, that ass would tear me up shaking and shimmying like that.

Thanks for that vid CC - you just made my hangover go away

SA said...

That guy does take away from the women. Seriously, I like a good male ass as much as the next female, but I don't need to see it do all that shaking. It almost took my gaze from the best white woman's ass I've seen in a while.

Ed in Westchester said...

why did tyhe camera keep moving towards the left? Where the guy was?
I wanted more of the redhead, not some dork.

Byrd said...

I like how the girl to our left of the redhead, in the back row, keeps adjusting her skirt downwards. Sweetheart, you're shaking your ass on stage in front of a crowd of men, it's too late to be demure.

She also gets nowhere near as low as our girl and the girl to her left, our right, who appears to be losing the beat during the complicated arm to one-side, arm to the other portion of the show, but then regains her confidence and vigor when the dance turns to straight booty shaking, something with which she seems to have had much experience.



And yes, I have been examining this video, zapruder-style.

Becky said...

I have some back-side shaking gifts, but I bow to this master.

Fuck it, I'm going to the bar to practice tonight. Next year I'll send in the film.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I know there are other poor bastards out there who are dying right now because their place of work makes it impossible to view this video. It's going to be a long afternoon

Tell me about it. Now I've got to wait until I get home tonight to see this chick shake her money maker.

THE ANTICIPATION IS GOING TO MAKE ME INSANE!!!!

WV: ybxbdp

Why? Bronx: Boogie Down Productions. Awww Yeah...

Undead Zombie Horde said...

just got home from work.

watched video.

waiting for wife to get home.

wrong? I don't think so...

Thanks CC.

Chris said...

Fuck it, I'm going to the bar to practice tonight. Next year I'll send in the film.

Hey why wait. I am sure CC will take amatuer submissions.

Otto - I was gonna make a reference about having more shake than Muhammad Ali, but the paint mixer from home depot is spot on.

From the other side of town said...

Either my weak eyes are staring too hard, or there's a little camel toe to be seen.

Jackin'4Beats said...

uh...WOW...that was brilliant.

CC, it is official, you are officially King of South Beach. Your crown will be arriving in the mail.

That there was some good rump-shakin'

dusty said...

Lawd..she keeps shaking it like that and by 30, she will be walking w/ a friggin cane.

Becky said...

Dusty, not true. I shake it damn near like that at 32, and I barely limp.

Tranny McHardpenis said...

It would have been funny/weird had you centered the guy in the whole video and completely didn't address it.