Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.
Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.
What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.
Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.
Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.
If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
NFC 4th seed -- Seattle Seahawks (9-7)
There's not a team in the playoffs this year that I'll be watching more attentively than the Seahawks, only because I plan to spend the next five weeks watching my Super Bowl XL DVD on loop. It never gets old. Can I get Fake Toss 39 X-Reverse Pass tattooed somewhere on my person?
Despite hobbling into the playoffs with a 1-3 record, including losses to the Buzzsaw and the 49ers (I savor none of it, really I don't), I actually like the Seahawks chances in the NFC. In the opening round they draw the only coach Holmgren has managed to outsmart in a Super Bowl. Who can blame him for falling to a master criminal and a dribbling retiree? Having won that, a few errant discharges of the Sex Cannon to whoever fills in for Kelly Herndon (let's just hope they don't have to try to tackle anyone - though taking people down is one thing Jerramy Stevens gets right) and the C-Hox could find themselves in a conference title game against a Saints team drowning in self-satisfaction.
Say what you will about an ownership change, I credit the Seahawks recent era of good feelings to having the good sense a few years years ago to upgrade their logo from Slightly Displeased Bird to Ornery Bird With Ugly Dark Plumage. The former always bore that Flintstones animal appliance look, with its meek "It's a living" shrug. Look at the articulation of that brow on the new one. Fearsome.
And look on the bright side - by beating Dallas you're keeping them from being the first team to six SB titles (like they'd get it anyway), and really, that's all I care about. See, everybody wins! Best of luck, shitbirds.
I’ve seen me a lot of movies. Most are shit. Some are great. And some have the chance to be awesome, only to blindly fuck it up at the end. It’s a bigger letdown than that fucking Belmont game last night (Fucking Belmont. Have you no patience for a decent shot? Yes, I just analyzed a basketball game). Well, that shit needs to come correct. These are movie endings that need to be unfucked. We’re taking away final cut from Mssrs. Shayamalan and Lee and giving their shit movies a badass resolution.
The order: Punter Ape Flubby Ufford Drew Maj
The rules: You pick the ending of one movie that you find flawed from a storytelling prospective. You must then say why it's flawed and give me your proper, better ending. Also, no hardcore pornographic endings (you could demand this for any movie), and no endings where everyone dies or something because you hated the whole movie.
Let’s pick. Beware spoilers, of course.
Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – American Beauty
Punter: The ending of this movie is about what would happen if one of us had changed it. Yeah, being an adult is hard!
Kevin Spacey and F. Lee Ermey actually become a couple (because we all know that's what would happen in real life), then Annettee Benning and Mena Suvari turn to each other for comfort, and then there's a hardcore pornographic ending and everyone dies.
Ape: That's Chris Cooper, not R. Lee
Punter: WHOSE GODDAMN MOVIE IS THIS, APE?
Round 1, Pick 2 – Ape – Return Of The Jedi
Ape: Hey, we just wrapped up a compelling, entertaining trilogy, what not have a bunch of fucking Ewoks prancing around? All the better to sell lunch boxes, right?
How about just before the Emperor gets tossed down some deep pit and gets blowed up, he fires up the Death Star and gets rid of the forest moon of Endor. With him out of the way, the Republic returns to being mired in bureaucracy and the cycle begins anew.
Also, George Lucas gets impaled on a light saber.
Punter: George Lucas wasn't in the fucking movie, Poindexter.
Ape: Oh, I wasn't talking about in the movie.
Maj then asked what a light saber was. He can’t vacation in Colorado again fast enough.
Round 1, Pick 3 – Flubby – Million Dollar Baby
Flub: Hillary Swank gets up from the sucker punch and clocks Billie the Blue Bear with a steel chair. After a tense staredown, they resolve their differences with a dramatic handshake ala Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan when they formed the Mega Powers. After running roughshod over the women's boxing ranks for a few years, they retire to open a chicken and waffle restaurant. Hardcore porn scene, then they kill everyone.
Ape: Nice. I hated her redneck family at the end. Not as much the family themselves, but they transparent way that Eastwood indicates YOU MUST HATE THESE PEOPLE
Round 1, Pick 4 – Ufford – Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
“After nine hours of a pretty awesome epic trilogy, Peter Jackson removes any and all drama of Sauron's death and the destruction of the ring by having 35 minutes of denouement, most of which is Frodo and Chris Farley Jr eye-fucking each other. Fuck him.
ALTERNATE ENDING: Aragorn fights Sauron naked in a Russian bath house then takes over the Middle Earth mafia.”
Round 1, Pick 5 – Drew – Heat
I wanted De Niro to kill Pacino so badly I almost bit through my own arm after the ending. At the very least, they should have killed each other.
My ending: De Niro blows Pacino away, then meets Amy Brennaman at the airport, bangs her in the shitter, then tears up her ticket as he gets on the plane by himself. No fucking attachments.
Round 1, Pick 6 – Maj – Bamboozled
“I really loved this movie for the first hundred minutes or so, then shit fell apart like a Volkswagen's interior.
Delacroix should have watched the fucking tape at which point he could have teamed up with Big Blak Afrika the Mau Maus to take over the network. Then Michael Rappaport's character could challenge One-Sixteenth Black to a freestyle rap battle for the right to continue living.”
Round 2, Pick 7 – Maj – Contact
“That piece of shit just didn't know when to quit. They had the perfect ending but they kept on pushing. Instead of carrying on with all of the nonsense of the last half hour they could have turned the whole ‘it recorded exactly 13 hours of static’ into a really solid ending. Of course then we'd have to put up with annoying fuckers who can't help but bitch about a movie that doesn't offer ‘closure.’”
Round 2, Pick 8 – Drew – Match Point
Should have ended with the ring bouncing on the railing. Ends there, and it's a fucking masterpiece.
Round 2, Pick 9 – Ufford – A Few Good Men
“Marines don't salute indoors. Period. Dawson can thank Lieutenant Caffey by shaking his damn Scientologist hand.”
Round 2, Pick 10 – Drew (pick vacated by Flubby) – The Color Of Money
I spent two goddamn hours waiting for Paul Newman and Tom Cruise’s big hair to finally square off against one another. So what happens? They get ready to finally play. Newman says, “I’m back,” breaks, and then the picture freezes. Fuck you, Scorsese. Fuck you blind.
My ending: Felson beats Vince, then sodomizes him with the pool cue and the thingamajig you use to rest your cue on when you need to shoot over another ball.
Also: anyone who wears their first name on a t-shirt deserves to be beaten to death with the 11-ball.
Round 2, Pick 11 – Ape – Y Tu Mama Tambien
“Oh, so the 30ish hot Spaniard woman had cancer the whole time thereby justifying her sluttiness? And Gabriel Garcia Bernal and his butt buddy masturbate together and even start kissing towards the end, but supposedly never see each other again after the trip? Bullshit.
My version: The woman sticks around the beach until the developers build the luxury resort, where she becomes a pricey hooker and later a madame. The two college boys get Mexican gay married (like American gay marriage but less fabulouth and, because it's Mexico - more illegal) and change their last name to Charolastra. They eventually cheat on each other with some Italian guys.
Like it wasn't enough that her husband cheated on her, they had to throw in near-death abandon too.
Fucking Catholics.”
I rented that movie at Blockbuster, unwittingly getting the cut down R-Rated version. No guys kissing in that one. But they still had the diving board tandem jerk. Odd.
But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?
Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter –Mr. Brooks
“The dream ending is actually the real ending. Way for them to puss out at the end and make that a dream sequence. Fucking douches.
The dream ending has to be the real ending. It just has to be.”
We’ve left out a few obvious ones here, so please give us some of yours in the comments. Try and pick just one film at a time, then wait 10 movies to pick another.
