Beyond the Sea*: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason
* Because the Seahawks are Kevin Spacey gay.
If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
NFC 4th seed -- Seattle Seahawks (9-7)
There's not a team in the playoffs this year that I'll be watching more attentively than the Seahawks, only because I plan to spend the next five weeks watching my Super Bowl XL DVD on loop. It never gets old. Can I get Fake Toss 39 X-Reverse Pass tattooed somewhere on my person?
Despite hobbling into the playoffs with a 1-3 record, including losses to the Buzzsaw and the 49ers (I savor none of it, really I don't), I actually like the Seahawks chances in the NFC. In the opening round they draw the only coach Holmgren has managed to outsmart in a Super Bowl. Who can blame him for falling to a master criminal and a dribbling retiree? Having won that, a few errant discharges of the Sex Cannon to whoever fills in for Kelly Herndon (let's just hope they don't have to try to tackle anyone - though taking people down is one thing Jerramy Stevens gets right) and the C-Hox could find themselves in a conference title game against a Saints team drowning in self-satisfaction.
Say what you will about an ownership change, I credit the Seahawks recent era of good feelings to having the good sense a few years years ago to upgrade their logo from Slightly Displeased Bird to Ornery Bird With Ugly Dark Plumage. The former always bore that Flintstones animal appliance look, with its meek "It's a living" shrug. Look at the articulation of that brow on the new one. Fearsome.
And look on the bright side - by beating Dallas you're keeping them from being the first team to six SB titles (like they'd get it anyway), and really, that's all I care about. See, everybody wins! Best of luck, shitbirds.
6 comments:
-No, no, he's not ornery, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
-The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
-Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
-All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
show...
-There, he moved!
-No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
It's hard to hate on a team that your team beat in the superbowl last year.
In fact, does anybody hate the Seahawks?
They seem more worthy of universal indifference.
Never really good enough to be jealous of, never really bad enough to pity.. they're just kinda there.
Ape can't hate the Seahawks without slipping into homerdom, hence the relative tameness. I actually liked the analysis of the logo change.
Plus the Seahawks are the only KSK team in the playoffs. Huzzah!
Even here in Seattle the indifference is stunning. I'm thinking about wearing the Big Ben jersey to whatever bar I end up at just to see if there is any life in these people.
Come on now Roy, if you live here in Seattle you know that most everyone here is passive-aggressive and while most would verbally taunt you for wearing your Steelers jersey, not many of them would actually stand up and fight if you came at them.
Now me, I'd beat your ass outside of the bar. But I wasn't raised here, so I'm ready to throw down.
There are a good number of people who are excited and ready to be as loud as humanly possible at Qwest on Sat night - me being one of them.
Let me get this straight: the vindictive Seahawks fans decide to "round us up some Steelers fans and have ourselves a lynching" not immediately following a Super Bowl loss to the Steelers, but, rather, 11 months later after a Wild Card game against the Cowboys. I'm not saying you 'Hawks fans aren't capable of such brutality - it's not quite what I've been led to believe about you all, but I've never been to Seattle, so I don't know for sure. All I'm saying is the timing is a bit wacky.
And you're totally full of shit.
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