Thursday, January 4, 2007

Beyond the Sea*: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

* Because the Seahawks are Kevin Spacey gay.

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

NFC 4th seed -- Seattle Seahawks (9-7)

There's not a team in the playoffs this year that I'll be watching more attentively than the Seahawks, only because I plan to spend the next five weeks watching my Super Bowl XL DVD on loop. It never gets old. Can I get Fake Toss 39 X-Reverse Pass tattooed somewhere on my person?

Despite hobbling into the playoffs with a 1-3 record, including losses to the Buzzsaw and the 49ers (I savor none of it, really I don't), I actually like the Seahawks chances in the NFC. In the opening round they draw the only coach Holmgren has managed to outsmart in a Super Bowl. Who can blame him for falling to a master criminal and a dribbling retiree? Having won that, a few errant discharges of the Sex Cannon to whoever fills in for Kelly Herndon (let's just hope they don't have to try to tackle anyone - though taking people down is one thing Jerramy Stevens gets right) and the C-Hox could find themselves in a conference title game against a Saints team drowning in self-satisfaction.

Say what you will about an ownership change, I credit the Seahawks recent era of good feelings to having the good sense a few years years ago to upgrade their logo from Slightly Displeased Bird to Ornery Bird With Ugly Dark Plumage. The former always bore that Flintstones animal appliance look, with its meek "It's a living" shrug. Look at the articulation of that brow on the new one. Fearsome.

And look on the bright side - by beating Dallas you're keeping them from being the first team to six SB titles (like they'd get it anyway), and really, that's all I care about. See, everybody wins! Best of luck, shitbirds.


anon said...

Jeez. Pretty weak on the hate, ape.

Monday Morning Punter said...

-No, no, he's not ornery, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

-The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

-Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

-All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you

-There, he moved!

-No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

anon said...

So, he's just pining for the fjords, then, is he?

The Last Unitard said...

It's hard to hate on a team that your team beat in the superbowl last year.

In fact, does anybody hate the Seahawks?

They seem more worthy of universal indifference.

Never really good enough to be jealous of, never really bad enough to pity.. they're just kinda there.

Captain Caveman said...

Ape can't hate the Seahawks without slipping into homerdom, hence the relative tameness. I actually liked the analysis of the logo change.

Plus the Seahawks are the only KSK team in the playoffs. Huzzah!

Roy Hobbs said...

Even here in Seattle the indifference is stunning. I'm thinking about wearing the Big Ben jersey to whatever bar I end up at just to see if there is any life in these people.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Come on now Roy, if you live here in Seattle you know that most everyone here is passive-aggressive and while most would verbally taunt you for wearing your Steelers jersey, not many of them would actually stand up and fight if you came at them.

Now me, I'd beat your ass outside of the bar. But I wasn't raised here, so I'm ready to throw down.

There are a good number of people who are excited and ready to be as loud as humanly possible at Qwest on Sat night - me being one of them.

TheBigO said...


Wear that Jersey to Sport Bar & Grill, I'll be there watching the game and I'd love to whoop your ass. See how much I could get on Craigslist for a bloodied Big Ben jersey.

J.L. White said...

While your watching the DVD, Ape, make sure to look out for Clark Haggans lining up offsides every friggin' down.

Next time my Hawks change their logo, the bird will be even blacker, have a larger scowl, & be giving everyone the finger.

Yup, it's thebigo's wet dream.

TheBigO said...

"Yup, it's thebigo's wet dream. "

You're goddamn right. But not the finger, the black power fist.

J.L. White said...

ujIf the Seahawks knock off the Tony Homo and the Cowgirls, me and my incredibly white and hairy arm will be giving the Black Power salute at my local bar. In honor of you, O. Then me & some of my boys will round us up some Steeler fans, and have ourselves a lynching. Yee-haw!!!

TheBigO said...

"Then me & some of my boys will round us up some Steeler fans, and have ourselves a lynching. Yee-haw!!! "

Where do I sign up?? Don't be greedy man, it ain't no fun if....... you know the rest.

Christmas Ape said...

Let me get this straight: the vindictive Seahawks fans decide to "round us up some Steelers fans and have ourselves a lynching" not immediately following a Super Bowl loss to the Steelers, but, rather, 11 months later after a Wild Card game against the Cowboys. I'm not saying you 'Hawks fans aren't capable of such brutality - it's not quite what I've been led to believe about you all, but I've never been to Seattle, so I don't know for sure. All I'm saying is the timing is a bit wacky.

And you're totally full of shit.

Daniel said...

Hawks will take the Homos, no problem.

And pirate-sloth, if you don't like "passive-aggressive" Seattle so much, move the fuck out. We have bad enough traffic as it is without moaners like you moving in from out of town and then bitching about how it's not like your own hometown here. This isn't the east-coast. This is a fucking rad little frontier town with trees and mountains and water that assholes from out of town discovered in the last ten years, moved into, and ruined for those of us that were born here and don't expect it to be anything other than depressing, rainy old Seattle. This place has a style and truth you'll never understand. Wobblies unite!

Definitely true, Hawks are a hard team to hate... kings of mediocrity over the last 20 years... That's what makes being a Hawks fan and a true Seattleite so great. We're not the Broncos, Pats, or Cowboys of the last 20 years... but not the Lions, Cards, or Browns, either. We take a kind of sick pride in our status, thank you very much. If you were us, you'd be skeptical too. Then again, I will be cheering my nuts off on Saturday, and will cry fat man-tears if they somehow blow it, and will f my girl silly when they do.

And for the record, I don't think I've ever seen people still insecurely boasting about a SB win 11 months after the fact ever so much as Steeler fans this year. Feeling, perhaps, like you didn't earn something? I'm not saying... I'm just saying.