Saturday, January 13, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff
Scouting Report Bukkake:
New England at San Diego

This delicious picture to your left notwithstanding, I thought we would turn over this preview for Sunday's game to a very special guest. I'm not sure how much she's followed these two teams--or if she even likes football at all--but her unique insight has yet (to our knowledge) to be applied to the rigorous world of professional football, and we would be remiss if we did deprived you of the benefits to be reaped by such a marriage of foresight and insanity.

Your guest reporter, by the way, hails from Merrillville, IN.

Ladainian Tomlinson: Delicious Most Valuable Person. Visor Hiding Beautiful Eyes. King Of Apricots And Keepers. 25 Carries Or More. Affirmed.

Quarterback Tom Brady: Handsome Happy Hero. Valentines Day In Gay Bars. Technicolor Dreamboat. Panties In The Mail. Vinatieri Cannot Save You. Affirmed.

Chargers All-Pro Tight End Antonio Gates: My Wealthy End Of Tightness. College Basketball Misses My Bright Smiling Boy. Orange Peels And Lemonade Stands. Mangled Fantasy Teams Across The Universe. Affirmed.

Marty Schottenheimer: Clock Is Tasty. Pegasus Is Proud. Warm Water On Your Wrinkled Bits. Purple Tulips And Tech Stocks. Affirmed.

Bill Belichick: Happy Sweatshirt. Pink Puffy Clouds. King Of The Unicorns. Does My Favorite Genius Know What Happened To Falco? Affirmed.

Benjamin Watson: Chowder On Your Slacks. Patriots Tight End My Darling. Journeyman Jabar Gets More Touches Than You. Your Beauty Is Like An Ocean Of Oil. Affirmed.

Shawne Merriman: Beautiful Baby Negro. You Are My Friendly Mr. Bear. Tainted Positive Peepee. Anterior Crutiate Love. Kittens Purring In The Litter Box. Affirmed.

Philip Rivers: Frolicing By The Bay, Rainy Days Swept Away. Thanks For Not Being Gay. Like Tom Bray-Day. Recent 1st Yr QBs Making First Playoff Start Are 0-6. Ye Shall Overcome. Affirmed.


Dee Mirich, 40; Merrillville, IN, U.S.A.


Chargers 21, Patriots 20.


8hrdrive said...

I must say, my young Dee, your prose is as vibrant and melodic as the sunlight streaming through the dew that hangs from my lily.

How poignant and accurate an evaluation!

JoshLove said...

If the Pats (god forbid) advance to the next round, please write that scouting report from the perspective of the Sports Gal. At the very least it'll give CC an excuse to bring up Scarlett.

4giantsfans said...

My dear MMP, you reflect my thoughts so poignantly. I feel we have this connection that I just cannot describe. It is like the gentle summer breeze that I feel when I am on the fields with Barbaro. I would love to sit with you and take about the gentle prose of Keats while I rub Chamomile lotion over your beautiful body. Oh no my dear, it is not what you think. I am so full of love for you and your intellect, that I want to express it for you in a gentle physical manner.

I know my dear colts are going to win as the have the strength and grace of my beloved Barbaro. My sweet little boy Peyton is not a fetus. He may look like one, but I know he has a heart of gold and is such a beautiful person inside. Please cleanse yourself of your hostility for him and come embrace the graceful gentleness of the Colts.

Christmas Ape said...

I don't know where you're getting your stats, Dee. Roethlisberger won his first playoff start as a rookie.

Doug Brien. Pulls Rainbows Left. (2005, two times) Herm Edwards Goes Up In Unicorn Gut When He Could Have Gone to Dangerzone. Affirmed.

dusty said...

Dee isn't going to come around here often on KSK is she? Bitch is nuts. Let me affirm my right cross on your gourd after a couple of skyy and soda's. you start spouting that hippie-love shit in my hood, they will roll your ass in broad daylight.

But, that said..she is dead on about the score :P

SteveJeltzFan said...

Good afternoon Big Bouncing Blog! Did you get some carrots today?

Grow Blog Grow!

Becky said...

At first I thought this was a product of the sweet haze of the antihistamine cocktail I was just prescribed, but no. It is true. It is pure. And it is delicious.

Brava, Dee. Your poetry is so sweet.

Jesse said...

Hey Dee - NW Indiana in the house! Blowing it out in Chesterton.

J.L. White said...

Shenanigans!!! That report from Dee was way too legible to be authentic.

Anyway, the scount in that picture gets a special merit badge from me, for starting a fire in my pants. It's nice to dream about sexy scouts without the fear of appearing on Dateline.

Beantown said...

CA - Out of the last 13 QBs to start their fist playoff game all of them have lost except one, Big Ben against the Jets. Leave it to the shitty Jets to fuck up a good stat.

Just as you always bet on black, conversely you never bet against Belichick and Brady!

Beantown said...

How bout' them Pats?