Monday, January 8, 2007

If I See Tony Romo, I'm Gonna Give Him A Big Hug


One thing I think I think this week is that, if I see Tony Romo, I'm gonna walk up to him and greet him with open arms. I'm gonna tell him, "Young man, you are the future of this franchise. Don't let one little mistake drag you down. You've got a lot of football left in you. You should listen to me, because I am a reporter and what I say is important."

Than I'm gonna give the guy a nice, big hug. I think everyone needs a hug every now and then. I know I do. I'm going to hug him long and hard. I'm gonna wrap my arms around his sturdy frame, caress his broad shoulders, and embrace him tightly. I'm going to feel his rippling muscles on the tips of my fingers. Then I'm going to bury my nose into the nape of his neck and take in his scent. I imagine him smelling faintly of cedar, with just a hint of Kiehl's cucumber lotion. I'm gonna take a long, deep draw of Romo's heavy musk, then close my eyes and imagine us swaying on a hammock together in open fields of Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Then I'll nibble his ear just a little. He'll pull back just a bit, and I'll say, "Did I hurt you baby? I'm so sorry." He'll laugh. Then I'll nibble again, softly and gently. Then I'll whisper to him:

Fuck me like you own me.

Then I'm going to take off my pants and turn around. Then I'm going to let Throwmo dock himself in my port. At first, he'll seem too big, like a summer sausage. But as I relax my bowels, I'll let him go deeper. People will see us in the locker room, but I won't care. I'll lose myself in the rapture of his mighty cock bobbing in and out of me. I'll reach down between my legs and grab his balls and give them a little squeeze and tell him:

Show me some of that Mexican fire, big boy.

Then he'll just lose it and start plunging me like a clogged toilet. The smell of sweat and sex will become hopelessly intermingled as he fucks me deeper, harder. God, it's just gonna be so fucking intense.

You almost there, hot rod?

He'll barely nod, at which point I'll turn around and gobble his cock like a starving orphan. Then he'll let out a savage groan and spray a gallon of Romo lotion all over my hair. And I'll tell him he's more like Favre than he'll ever know.

You know, if I see him.

67 comments:

Undead Zombie Horde said...

After that; I am speechless....

Unsilent Majority said...

oh.my.god.

Mike said...

That may the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

Even more than Chad Pennington throwing a lateral.

Awful Chief said...

Checkmate!

Billy said...

I'm sure Petey's just glad you didn't bring up his daughter...

Big Daddy Drew said...

Mike, you saw it happen? Yikes.

becky said...

football analysis and delicate erotica all in one place...

what the hell just happened here?

Jordi said...

Wow, I just puked up my hot pepperoni Hot Pocket. Gotta work on that swallowing thing.

Tortfeasor said...

Instant. Classic.

Captain Caveman said...

Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Clint said...

You're a sick fuck Drew. That's why I wait all week for your material on here. That was the hardest I've laughed in weeks.

bleedjetgreen said...

That post may have scarred me for life. I think I'll spend the next hour and a half curled up in the shower as I try to "get clean".

peytonloveskenny said...

That was so fucking disturbing, there are no words I can use to describe it. It's really incalculcable.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I kind of liked it. But that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me in the least.

Ryan said...

Um....that was...disgusting.


But I'm still gonna tell everyone I know to read it.

MDG said...

that post makes baby jesus cry.

Becky said...

Well, that was some unexpected reading this fine Monday afternoon.

I feel all uncomfortable. My eyes burn, my stomach hurts, and I am quite certain I will never have locker room sex again. Well, until the next offer, anyway.

Mike said...

Mike, you saw it happen?

A horrible, horrible thing, Drew. Part of yesterday's lost bet on the Jet game: eat a pound of quiche lorraine, clean the bathroom, buy tampons for the wife, and watch Romo split Fat Pete's two deep zone.

I may never recover.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Then he'll just lose it and start plunging me like a clogged toilet.

Thanks to this line, my boss just came running over because I literally screamed with laughter. The bit about taking it in the mouth after taking it in the ass was kind of gross, though.

Unsilent Majority said...

eat a pound of quiche lorraine, clean the bathroom

I'd suggest doing them in exactly that order.

doug_plank said...

Old Pete digs the ATM huh?

If George Wendt ever did action movies King would make a great stunt double.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Fuck you very much, Drew. I know you timed that to coincide with everyone eating lunch.

Beantown said...

Is it safe to assume that Big Daddy Drew thinks PK is a little over zealous with Tony Romo.

The mental images while reading that were disturbing!

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i just came from that.

you must talk a mean IM-sex game when your wife isn't watching...

Chamomiles Davis said...

Just don't ask Romo to hold your balls, Peter.

Big Jim Slade said...

Lance Bass, Clay Aiken and Paul Lynde all agree: that post was a smidge gay.

Nope said...

frightening.

although, we should consider ourselves fortunate he chose not to do this post after the Bears-Packers game last week. Substitute Favre for Romo and Madden for PK and you have a mental image thats hard to recover from.

J.L. White said...

Wow, that was almost as gay as.....King's last column.

Speaking of which, King did say about Tom Brady today that he was "The best quarterback most of us will ever see." Looks like, after this week's game against the Chargers, another QB will be getting the consolatory butt bang from PK.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Hey Slade, you know how I know you're gay? You used the word "smidge."

Chris said...

When did PK make the switch from football analysis to authoring gay porn novels?

Angelos said...

Is this one of the "he who knows, confesses" situations?

Because you're quite, um, versed in the details...

fallex said...

God, I hope he doesn't see him.

JT said...

There is a line between parody and what I (now) imagine gay porn to be. It is not such a fine line and quite frankly, it is a line you might not want to cross.

Doc said...

Yeah, after today's column it sounds like PK is more interested in fellating big strong Tom Brady. NTTAWWT

Doc said...

Oh yeah, almost forgot, Hilarious post.

Awful Chief said...

Substitute Favre for Romo and Madden for PK and you have a mental image thats hard to recover from.

Are we gonna split hairs here?

dusty said...

BDD, you could write a smarmy sex novel dude..seriously! Hell, make a ton of money, retire, or run for elected office like Jim Webb.

I read every word of this post..but now I need a shower, seeing as how I feel like I just watched illicit sex between two big hairy men..I hate PK but this post just made me feel awful..but I also lmao..is that weird?

Not too far south florida said...

Is that legal, I mean is someplace other than florida.

mutoni said...

wow, just wow!

TheBigO said...

"BDD, you could write a smarmy sex novel dude..seriously!"

Kinda like Mr. Garrisons books.

Ruthless Gravity said...

J.L.-

King is a taker, not a giver.

I never thought a Jeff Garcia car commercial could be less gay than a guy banging Carrie Underwood....what is the world coming to.

Kokaholik said...

I really would have expected PK and the Romo Gaypien to get down on a double-sided dildo with Jerry Jones growling "Ass to ass!" in the background.
But this was just as good.

govtdrone said...

Thank you for waking me up this afternoon. I am now ready to drive home.

Kyle said...

That has singlehandedly ruined any hope I had of doing any studying today. Awesome.

BigRicks said...

I think the whole loosening of his bowels is what made me lose any sexual urges i planned on having for the next few hours...days...weeks...

gymclassheroes said...

Nothing like a mental image of Romo turd-kabobs to send me into simultaneous fits of laughter and vomiting...

Pity Da Fool said...

Yep. This one takes the cake.

Oh yeah -- wanted to say hi, too. First post here, but got sick of not being able to join the fun because I didn't have a blogspot account. We'll still be posting over at Eye on Foxborough (http://patriots.blogs.masslive.com), though.

Landru said...

I may never be able to masturbate again.

8hrdrive said...

I now have to shit and puke at the same time. (I wonder if that is possible.)

I feel as though this wasn't the first time King had is guts mashed in a locker room full of athletes. Was there double penetration, perhaps?

A possible second shooter? (TO)

BoSox Siobhan said...

8hrdrive. There was a nasty flu bug going around here that resulted in shitting and puking simultaneously. It was ghastly.

Angelos said...

Oh, my stomach.

Oh, my ass.

[repeat]

Otto Man said...

Man, that post was either a brilliant work of fiction by Drew or his not-so-subtle coming out party.

Either way, you guys are responsible for me gouging out my eyes.

swing4 said...

"Advertising", eh Drew? I think not.

The Pirate Sloth said...

You might as well not write another article Drew. There is no way to top this one.

I need a shower and a hug.

Unsilent Majority said...

I need a shower and a hug.

uhhh...isn't that exactly how romo and pk got started?

Draft Dodgers said...

Was Drew Bledsoe Romo's 'fluffer'?

mrmom61 said...

Drew there is a spot in hell reserved for you. See you there.

Signal to Noise said...

Well, there goes the idea of dinner. That was beyond even Kevin Spacey gay.

My dick just retreated into the sac.

Well done, sir.

doug_plank said...

No dp 8hr drive, but Tuna was spying it from across the room and unbuckled his manzier and started to succle himself.

Trip said...

That made me slightly uncomfortable. Not that there's anything wrong with that. fxzymy

Run Up The Score! said...

There was a nasty flu bug going around here that resulted in shitting and puking simultaneously.

I had to make that choice after a wedding once. It was one or the other. I tried to puke while clenching my ass.

It didn't work. Almost, but not quite.

Okay, I feel better now.

One More Dying Quail said...

tThere are literally no words to describe the way I feel after reading this.

None.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner, curled up in the fetal position.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Drew -

I thought you were hilarious when I first read about Sexy Rexy and his cumslingin' exploits with unsuspecting cheerleaders. Now I KNOW you are smokin' some good shit over there. That's the only way you could come up with that bit of...dare I say...brokebackishness.

Ok I made up a word, but that shit was hilarious. Not the shit on Romo, the shit you wrote. Oh nevermind.

LMAOROTF

Sack said...

You Sir, are an ass. I read this roughly 12 hours ago, and have had relaxing my bowels burned into my brain ever since. I may never recover.

rayray said...

Big Daddy Drew, will you marry me? I am still gasping for air, the laughter having sucked it all out of me. Fabulous.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Someone please e-mail this to Peter King. Maybe he'll mention the KSK Gay Mafia on NBC this weekend.

Or maybe he'll be in too much pain to sit down.

ColeTrain said...

It's been said, but it still holds true... I was speechless.