Thursday, January 4, 2007

A Dreamboat Deferred: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 4th seed -- New England Patriots (12-4)

This really dusts my doily!

First, Bridget blows me off when I told her I was making a pass to Reche, and she took it to mean Reese, as in Withersp-...oh, you know who I mean: the star, like me. You know: Tom Fucking Household Name Fucking Three-Time Super Bowl Champ Fucking Honorary Coin Tosser in Detroit Brady. How can I help it if nobody knows any of our receivers? That whole mantra about how the Patriots playing as a TEAM of nobodies was played out after the second title. I want respect, recognition, reverence. ROYALTIES.

Great! Rodney Harrison is out! Just great! Great! Shuh...who's gonna take cheap late hits on opposing players now? What, are we supposed to make this a shootout, with our zero offensive Pro Bowlers?

And please, pleasepleasepuuuuuhhhlease tell me how I was left out? Phillip Rivers? More like Phillip Givers...it to the other team - ha! Carson Palmer? Okay, yeah, he's a pretty awesome dude, but c'mon. And here's where it really goes south: Peyton. I fucking own that scarlet prince of chokery (I read that on some web site) and what's more, no rings! Not one! How can you have a stable of Pro Bowl QBs without a golden god like myself? You don't bring a laser rocket arm to a gunfight. What a bunch of jumped-up first round pick nobodies.

Hey, Bill Simmons, even you've gone all quiet on me. Other than choking on your drool when Lawrence Maroney's name comes up, we don't hear shit out of you. What? 12 wins not good enough for you, shitstain? What the fuck are you talking baseball for, Bill? No one cares about your wishy-washy, unctuous stance on Mark McGwire. It's playoff time, asshole. You should be sucking my cock nonstop, only coming up for air to ask your wife to write your column for you. And when we lose, I want you to pretend like the fucking sky is fucking falling. You had a nice little conniption fit after we lost to Denver last year, now you're all doom and gloom about facing our former defensive backs coach's new team?

Fuck.

21 comments:

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

simmons doesn't get interested until the championship game...he's busy working the free agency market...

Unsilent Majority said...

Ape just went all Langston Hughes on us. Little known fact: Langston had a filthy fucking mouth.

LButler36 said...

I fucking hate tom brady

peytonloveskenny said...

I, as well, fucking hate Tom Brady.

BoSox Siobhan said...

The Dreamboat™ is dead to me after the Pats' win over the Titans on Sunday. Fuck you, Tom Brady.

Chris said...

yea i sat through a fucking down pour last sunday so my wife could watch that douche warm up. then the fucking game gets good and the weather clears up and she is ready to go because she is soaked. i also hate tom brady.

Unsilent Majority said...

KSK: New home of HaterNation

Chris said...

also just saw this, might be old but i found it humorous. feel free to hate if its old.

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/347/3fa4a58acb21d229a085f81km2.gif

The Last Unitard said...

You guys are totally unctuous.

That means gay, right?

The Pirate Sloth said...

Is there a 'I Got Sexed by Tom Brady' Support Group? I could use a rebound chick or three.

Becky said...

Was the wife soaked due to weather, or to watching Brady?

If only there were such a support group, and if only I could join. Maybe it could be like when I got a fake ID in college...

Chris said...

becky i expected that comment to come at some point, just not from you. anyways seeing how your the only girl on here right now what is that women find so attractive about that douche bag?

BoSox Siobhan said...

I used to get all squirmy over Brady. Then the Pats beat my Titans. Football trumps sex appeal in this case.

Becky said...

Well, Chris, I can speak only for me.

1) He's Irish
2) He's a Michigan guy
3) He's good lookin', but not too pretty... Not like, Brady Quinn, looks-like-he-gets-manicures-pretty, but nice nevertheless
4) He owns Peyton Manning, who I have despised since he acted like the Heisman committee shot and/or buttfucked him out of something rightfully his when he could never even beat his archrival
5) He admitted to jackin' it to internet porn, and I found his honesty refreshing

These things, in sum, work for me. That said, Mr. Becky insists that he probably has a tiny penis.

BSS - Everyone beats the Lions, so that doesn't really factor into the equation for me.

twoeightnine said...

I hate fucking Tom Brady.


Wait... that didn't come out right.

The Angry Rant said...

b fxf ,lii b zird,rermre4t3g45ggvesbeb bvbrd b5bbr

(Oh, sorry - you don't speak baby. Let me translate for my 5 month old: 'Tom Brady wouldn't change my diaper. Bitch.')

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Mmmmm....Bradylicious. Quinn will never live up to that!

And usually knowing that a guy is sitting somewhere typing with one hand skeeves me out..but he's TOM FUCKING BRADY PEOPLE! And admitting he jacks off to internet porn is hot.

And he can play. He's not just a pretty face. You hear that WEIS?! You and your fupa need to find players who are HOT and have a laser arm!

Beantown said...

You people just make me sad! Tom Brady is the best fucking QB you have ever seen and if he was on your team you would be jacking off every time he took the field...

Becky said...

Well, Beantown, keep in mind some of us live in Detroit. If Brady played here, he would suck donkey balls like everyone else, and we would have no need for the jackin'.

Beantown said...

Didn't you just put a beat down on the Cowboys? I don't think Detriot's problems can be simplified to a lack of talent. Ownership and the GM screws you before you even take the field.

With that being said, Brady was going to suck losing Givens and Deion Branch this year and went 12-4 and had more total offense to his rec'ers than last year!

Becky said...

Oh I know, you're talking to the girl who was convinced Branch was gonna work it out with the Pats and had both Brady and Branch on my fantasy teams. That worked out pretty swell this year. Missed the playoffs by approximately two Brady to Branch TD points scored.

I'm also going out on a limb and assuming that *perhaps* the Cowboys were playing down to the Lions' level. We always have talent, or so the media tells us, but the total package - cursed. No other logical answer than some fucked up mojo.