Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Indianapolis Has A Momentary Lapse In
Properly Assessing Its Self-Worth


It's time for some disclosure here. I grew up in southwestern Ohio. Furthermore, generally speaking, I look at that region of the state (and country) with a fondness that some of you may find misplaced. But I don't think of that area as particulary better or worse than any other municipality in the United States, with a few exceptions.

Indianapolis is one of them.

I've visited Indy a couple of times, and I fucking hate that place. Do you know why it's in the middle of the state? So that when people run from the stink of the eminating shit, they can't leave the state on a single tank of gas. This acutally happened once. Many years ago, when the city's septic system overflowed into the streets, people fled to their cars to evacuate the town. Only problem was, people in Indianapolis are so fucking stupid they didn't know where to go and just wound up driving in circles the whole day. This is how the Indy 500 got started.

It's like Shitheads Anonymous decided to base their world headquarters there. Their economy's tits are dragging in the proverbial sand, their taxes are too high and their women are comely at best. And their name is so fucking un-PC. Shouldn't it be Nativeamericanapolis? I mean, that's obvious to us, right? Not those fucks. They suck uncircumsized elderly cock.

So imagine my surprise when I saw that Indy was planning a bid to host the 2011 Super Bowl. A Super Bowl? That's like Finch from American Pie asking Shannon Elizabeth out on a date. What the fuck are you going to do with a Super Bowl, Indianapolis? Have the Super Bowl sit on your couch all night and look at your stamp collection?

Get real, Indianapolis. You are not a real city. You suck, everything about you sucks, and your entire surrounding collection of dirt that you call a state sucks, too. Terre Haute and Dayton laugh at you when you sleep, Indianapolis. You can't do shit. YOU ARE SHIT. Hit the bricks, Indianapolis, and beat it, because you'll get a Super Bowl when a snowball shaped like a flying monkey pops out of my ass and soars through Hell.

And in case it wasn't clear, Indianapolis, get fucked.

42 comments:

doug_plank said...

There is no Super Bowl bet between Chicago and Indy, there is nothing for Indy to offer.

It's true.

Rob I said...

Indianapolis is so bad, it makes Detroit look like Cabo San Fucking Lucas.

Bouj said...

"It's like Shitheads Anonymous decided to base their world headquarters there."

Yes, the NCAA is based there.

The Last Unitard said...

Having been born in Dayton, and having lived in Indy, I've got to say that Dayton sucks more.

However, that's like saying having your arm pulled off by a giant monkey and being beaten with it sucks more than being repeatedly ass-raped by a cactus.

Captain Caveman said...

AWESOME.

save the steagles said...

Where are you from MMP? I'm currently stuck in Southwestern Ohio, but I agree it's not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. I'm always excited when I finally get off 70 and those fucking green signs stop reminding me just how close I am to Indy.

Scott said...

And yet, the day of the Bengals-Colts game, the Cincinnati Enquirer commenced with the self-loathing by running a front-page article basically talking about how much "better" Indianapolis was than Cincinnati.

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061218/BIZ01/612180318/-1/all

Of course, the metrics weren't shit in the streets- I think it was number of hotel rooms, accessibility to yuppie-friendly shopping, and other VITALLY IMPORTANT things.

devang said...

MMP, your MS-Paint skills are improving. Your were able to add a roof to Giants stadium.

Wait, what...?

Caucasion Invasion said...

Indianapolis is as pleasing to the eye as Pat Sajack in a painted on tuxedo...mm mmmm

becky said...

whoah whoah whoah...there is no reason to bring the beautiful East Rutherford, NJ into this.

PANGER said...

Many years ago, when the city's septic system overflowed into the streets, people fled to their cars to evacuate the town. Only problem was, people in Indianapolis are so fucking stupid they didn't know where to go and just wound up driving in circles the whole day.

finally, the possible inspiration for indiana's genius state license plate slogan in the 80s: WANDER.

http://www.pl8ster.net/IN/IN87_71C3348x.jpg

Christmas Ape said...

I feel threatened by the ease of MS Paint skills and visceral hatred. That's all I got.

MDG said...

Thats not MS Paint kids. MMP climbed up there and spray painted it for real... with blood.

devang said...

Becky, my daily dose of self-deprecation. Affirmed.

devang said...

Thats not MS Paint kids. MMP climbed up there and spray painted it for real... with blood.

SO the Bengals helped him?

The Last Unitard said...

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE!

Kevin Doyle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kevin Doyle said...

You should doctor photo's of Indy's daughter until they back off the super bowl bid, only to have your balls shrivel when it comes time to back up all your talk.

peter king crowned my ass said...

Kevin Doyle does not rule.

Bulger in My Pants said...

whoah whoah whoah...there is no reason to bring the beautiful East Rutherford, NJ into this.

Jesus, talk about shitsmell. North Jersey for the win! There's no way of knowing if it comes from the Meadowlands, the steaming pile of poo that Eli Manning lays there 8 Sundays a year, or the fact that Jeremy Shockey lives there. No matter, it's toxic.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Are you seriously mocking the Wander Indiana license plate? That's complete horse shit. I've loved that plate ever since it adorned my father's brown datsun back in the days.

And Dayton is a cesspool. I grew up a half hour away from that city and I hate it as much as MMP hates Indianapolis. It serves no purpose and should be avoided at all costs.

And MMP's hatred is certainly understandable. If I grew up in southwestern Ohio, I'd be a bitter and hateful man too.

Quarterly Prophet said...

I would give Indy a Super Bowl host job if the NFL would start doing some cold weather Super Bowls.

MCPO Airdale said...

PDGO - You grew up in Troy?

J.L. White said...

Okay, see, this is why I am rooting (as passively as I can use the word "root") for the Colts: Because after all the celebrations are finished, these poor bastards will still be living in Indiana.

And as I continue to seeth and pout about the Seahawks, I still enjoy the benefit of getting to live in this awesome ssection of the United States.

Oh, and the best part about Seattle? IT'S 2500 FUCKING MILES AWAY FROM INDIANAPOLIS! THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!!!

Palm Dry Gum On said...

I grew up among the Quakers in a little city called Richmond.

It ain't much better than Dayton but it is in Indiana and for me, that's all that matters.

farris said...

I sympathize with the spewing hatred toward Indy as a SW Ohio resident myself.

I was in Indiana over the weekend and got my first speeding ticket. One Hundred and Fifty Fuck Dollars. I've driven over 100,000 miles in my life with no ticket, and dipshit middle of nowhere cop pulls me over because I have Ohio plates...

Fuck you, Indiana. No one is impressed by your Crossroads of America. Douche Bags...

Shady said...

I go to school in Bloomington, IN and often make the hour trip up to Indy... Basically for Pacer games (when the bulls visit) and higher class strip joints than B-Town. Indy has the circle center - where you can find me getting down and dirty with other Steak n' Shake interns. That's right. I've gotten laid right in the middle of Indy (Circle center) and it will forever hold a place in my heart... And genitals.

GO BEARS!

Signal to Noise said...

Quarterly - Indy plays in a goddamned dome. That does no good.

Bouj wins.

I don't like Indianapolis much, and East Rutherford barely survives because it happens to be in NJ, the saving grace being near New York.

Jackin'4Beats said...

New York, New York bid city of dreams/ but everything in New York ain't always what it seems/ you might get served if you come from outta town/ but we comin' from Queens so get down.

Grimey said...

Well I think if Shady can have sex with Steak n' Shake interns at the Circle Center, then Indianapolis definitely deserves a Super Bowl.

Barry.Petchesky said...

You do realize that to most of us, SW Ohio and Central IN might as well be the same region, right?

Becky said...

Oh, but I love the hatred. Some may find it unseemly, but I find it highly amusing. Of course, I'm also drinking on MMP's dime, so he can say pretty much whatever he wants and I've got his back... GOOSE!!!

micronaut said...

I think you were too hard on Indy, but your heart is in the right place. This sort of nonsense should have been snuffed out after they let Jacksonville - Jacksonville!! - host a Superbowl. I didn't even know what the hell Jacksonville was until that one expansion year. Damn city is named after Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson was a retard.

They should hold the Superbowl in LA every year. Both teams can enjoy a week of Hollywood debauchery, then play the game in the Rose Bowl.

JerryRudd said...

I was born and raised in Terre Haute and I can say with all honesty that Terre Haute laughs at no other city. Instead, it cries itself to sleep and then craps the bed.

While other cities may smell worse on the whole, it's all about the scale. If Terre Haute was the size of Indy or Chicago, the smell would be so bad you'd need a mask to even go within fifty miles of it.

Otto Man said...

"Crossroads of America"?

Is that a polite way of saying, "If you're standing here, you can drive in any direction and improve your life?"

Awful Chief said...

Fuck You, Hoosiers. Fuck your "Eat Here Get Gas" sign. Fuck your pussy 55 mph speed limit on US-31. Fuck your deep south accents. Fuck your basketball hoops mounted onto the sides of your barns. Fuck your time zones. Fuck Studebaker cars. Fuck Kokomo. Fuck your no alcohol sales on Sunday law. And fuck your parlay ruining football team. Most of you were Bears fans before Pieton anyway.

Mike said...

Indianapolis? Indiana? Ohio?

Wait. You mean these are real places, not just team names? Are you also telling me that country to the West side of the Hudson River (United States of . . . America, is that right?) is real too?

josh said...

New Slogan: Indianapolis, IN: It ain't Gary, IN!

King Floyd said...

Sounds like a real douchebag Cincinnati fan...coming from a city that has had more riots than Bengals playoff appearances. Smells like jealousy...loser.

The Last Unitard said...

You can shit all over Kokomo, Logansport (the sleepy river white trash-y cesspool hell in which I went to high school), Terre Haute, South Bend, Lafayette, Bloomington, and Indianapolis... but don't talk shit about basketball hoops on the side of barns. Those are all that kept me from throwing myself in front of a combine.

Yinka Double Dare said...

Ha, Richmond, IN, otherwise know as TOM RAPER RV'S

Having lived in Cincinnati, it sucks worse than Indy. When the only redeeming part of your city is that Kentucky is right there for cheap booze, you know you're a piece of shit. I saw the same people out at the bars in Cincy no matter where I went. Mt Lookout? Mt Adams? Over the river to Kentucky? Didn't matter, always saw minimum 20 familiar faces. I swear, everyone 21 and older in that town is married with kids already, it was singularly the WORST major city in America for a single person.

At least in Indy, Broad Ripple isn't very far from Butler (read: hot easy rich chicks). In Cincy, it's bitchy Christian girl nightmare no matter where you turn.

J.L. White said...

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