Thursday, January 11, 2007

ThreatDown, Chicago Bears: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason


If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.


NFC 1st seed -- Chicago Bears (13-3)


We all know the Bears are the tits.

They have a Sex Cannon who can rifle-Rumph you six times before you hit the ground, Throwgasm on your face, then let Tank Johnson unload more weaponry into you than that surge of American troops going into Iraq. Then the game starts.

Their defense will stifle your game like drool going down Kyle Orton's neckbeard. If Mark Anderson, Lance Briggs or Brian Urlacher don't snatch the ball out of your hand and score, Devin Hester breaks your back with a dizzying punt return for a TD.

Urlacher fucked Paris Hilton. Lovie Smith loves white women like Paris Hilton. Rextasy has outfucked Paris Hilton. Barack Hussein Pol Pot Hitler Osama is a huge fan and Condi Rice thinks they're going to the Super Bowl. That's some uni-racial but bi-partisan support.

But, man, do they have some stupid fucking receivers.

Sure, they throw a fine block on a running play. But when will they get it through their leaky nuts that the Sex Cannon doesn't do slants, button hooks, cross patterns, chicks with dicks - okay, he'll do chicks with dicks - but no receiver screens. Even a fade is pushing it. Rexy doesn't have time for foreplay. There's no finessing it down the field with some intricately designed 12-play drive. That's for the West Coast offense. You know who lives on the West Coast? Hairless twinky asexual freaks like Moby or Matt Hasselbeck. What? Moby lives in New York? Whatever - nobody measures up to the Chitown Sexhound.

Rexy wants to go long, hard, deep and all in one motion. If those speedy motherfuckas Berrian and Muhammad don't want to play by the Sex Cannons' rules, he's just gonna give it to the nearest available vessel. If that has to be an opposing defensive back, so be it. He's got this loving inside and it just has to get out.

Any discharge of the Sex Cannon is going to be direct, concussive and felt from miles around. All you have to do is take it in stride, wideouts. Keep taking it and keeping striding. Sexy Rexy has all the man missiles you need.

21 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

that video was almost as entertaining as the Berenstein Bears...and I love those jewbears.

booster said...

Should Rexy win his first playoff game, will it feel like a giant stadium-wide orgasm? Will the field be covered in semen? Should women in attendance be on the pill? Or at least bring their diaphragm?

The Pirate Sloth said...

That man should not be allowed to own a gun nor have access to the internets.

He's scary.

doug_plank said...

I got the Bears winning 24-13, then after the game Rex throws one into Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Yeah I know it's Matt's sister-in-law but Rex only Rexes up grade A.

Caucasion Invasion said...

contrary to popular belief, rex's seed isnt salty like a pretzel, it has a strawberry taste, like a twizzler

Kyle said...

Doug I got some cash on the sex cannon throwing one into all the women of the Hasslebeck family, at half time.

Chris said...

I think the magnum meat force is gonna fuck the seahawks rodeo style this weekend.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I have to include this ESPN quote here:

"If it's there, I'm taking it," Grossman said. "That's how you play football. If the throw is there, give it a shot. We're trying to win the game, not kick field goals."

How can you not love the guy?

Otto Man said...

That man should not be allowed to own a gun nor have access to the internets.

Agreed. You can almost hear the restraining order being filed at this very moment.

highonLowe said...

Grossman's ChiTown Sex Hound nickname is way better than Kyle Orton's Windy City 2nd-base Kitty

J.L. White said...

The Sex Cannon's Rex Rod is both a bringer of joy, and pain. After the game is over, and the Bears receivers have dropped every Nut Bomb pumped out of Rextacy's arm, those receivers will experience a prison rumphing in the lockerroom showers the likes of which haven't been seen since Oz was on the air.

doug_plank said...

I can picture Rex with the little hat on the side of his head ala Adebisi.

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:qZnlnTQN3yekLM:http://www.cinescape.com/multimedia/Master_Site/TV/Master_SiteArticle295374.jpg

govtdrone said...

Sex Cannon. Ha

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

sexy rexy better be one of those celebs next new year's who you can hire to come to your party. him and orton are endless fun.

becky said...

The Sex Cannon gets me all Sorgi.

Tea Blogger said...

As a Bears fan Rex is both maddening and endlessly entertaining. It's like he's constantly thinking,
"Fuck it dude where's Bernard Berrian, I'm goin deep getting this game over and getting knee deep in some poon."

J.L. White said...

The Sex Cannon: Women want him, men want to be him, and defensive backs want to run into the endzone with the interceptions they receive from him.

Otto Man said...

With a reckless cumslinger like Sexy Rexy at the helm, the Chicago Bears will always be the First Seed.

Signal to Noise said...

Ape: did you channel Drew for that post?

Otto Man: well done.

My money's on Rextasy slinging some the way of Hasselbeck's mom (Rexy's got love for the MILFs) after the game is over.

WeJamEcono said...

That guy with the gun looks like my neighbor. But he wasn't using a real load.

He Said She Said said...

We were at the game. Destined to be a classic. Go BEARS!

-He Said, She Said

http://www.hesaidshesaidlove.blogspot.com/