ThreatDown, Chicago Bears: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.


NFC 1st seed -- Chicago Bears (13-3)

We all know the Bears are the tits.

They have a Sex Cannon who can rifle-Rumph you six times before you hit the ground, Throwgasm on your face, then let Tank Johnson unload more weaponry into you than that surge of American troops going into Iraq. Then the game starts.

Their defense will stifle your game like drool going down Kyle Orton's neckbeard. If Mark Anderson, Lance Briggs or Brian Urlacher don't snatch the ball out of your hand and score, Devin Hester breaks your back with a dizzying punt return for a TD.

Urlacher fucked Paris Hilton. Lovie Smith loves white women like Paris Hilton. Rextasy has outfucked Paris Hilton. Barack Hussein Pol Pot Hitler Osama is a huge fan and Condi Rice thinks they're going to the Super Bowl. That's some uni-racial but bi-partisan support.

But, man, do they have some stupid fucking receivers.

Sure, they throw a fine block on a running play. But when will they get it through their leaky nuts that the Sex Cannon doesn't do slants, button hooks, cross patterns, chicks with dicks - okay, he'll do chicks with dicks - but no receiver screens. Even a fade is pushing it. Rexy doesn't have time for foreplay. There's no finessing it down the field with some intricately designed 12-play drive. That's for the West Coast offense. You know who lives on the West Coast? Hairless twinky asexual freaks like Moby or Matt Hasselbeck. What? Moby lives in New York? Whatever - nobody measures up to the Chitown Sexhound.

Rexy wants to go long, hard, deep and all in one motion. If those speedy motherfuckas Berrian and Muhammad don't want to play by the Sex Cannons' rules, he's just gonna give it to the nearest available vessel. If that has to be an opposing defensive back, so be it. He's got this loving inside and it just has to get out.

Any discharge of the Sex Cannon is going to be direct, concussive and felt from miles around. All you have to do is take it in stride, wideouts. Keep taking it and keeping striding. Sexy Rexy has all the man missiles you need.