Thursday, January 18, 2007

Patriots Fans Resemble
Pus-Colored Vaginal Discharge

As of this posting, we're about 20 hours away from what will certainly be a vigorously-worded fellation from Boston Sports Gyno William "Mild Bill" Simmons for SportsPickle II Page 2. The criticisms against Simmons' recent work have been well-documented, and I see no need to rehash them in detail here, aside from noting that Simmons doesn't really represent "the fan's perspective" as opposed to "the Boston fan who flosses with his dad's cockfur and then eats it perspective." Simmons' bias steers him toward plugging endlessly about Bah-ston's teams and how fucking wonderful they are.

Boston fandom, for reasons we don't really give a shit about, seems to be contageous. Not so much of a "Baseball Fever--Catch It!" contageous, but rather a bit of the "Why do I have this open leison on my scrotum?" variety. And it's not just the Boston Sports Gyno. Loud, obnoxious, and uneducated people are flocking to this team unabashedly, even as they sit only one game from a Super Bowl.

Just a short while ago, Unsilent Majority pissed excellence in a post debating which AFC team would better represent the universe in Super Bowl XLI. He argued that a Patriots victory, while shitty, offered better odds for maintaining the balance of the universe. Quoting the Good Jew:

After years of watching the Patriots have their way with the rest of the NFL I've grown numb. There's really nothing more they can do to hurt me any further, it's not like their fans can become bigger douchebags (unless Andrew Dice Clay Matsuzaka gives the Sox another title).

There's only one problem with that. If the Patriots win the AFC, that victory would be yet another tallywhack on the Don't Bet Against The Patriots board that we are all tired of hearing about. They will almost certainly be the favorite going into the Super Bowl, and then even Father Nelson will put his money down on them winning it all. Again. Would that team make it to football's biggest game, and then come up short in the end? Not a chance. And that Super Bowl title, mind you, would be the Pats' fourth in six years, and would virtually lock them up as Team of the Dec... of the De...Fuck, I can't even type it.

A fourth Super Bowl victory would legitimately put the Patriots on par with any other dynasty in the league. It's bad enough that Patriot fans are acting like Patriot fans. Now imagine Patriot fans acting like Cowboy fans. It will be that bad.


Simmons, for his part, took the early championships in stride, but since the Red Sox won it all in 2004, he, along with the rest of the Massholes, has gradually become insufferable. He's become more Woody Allen than Steve Allen (polarized, too synonymous with his home city), and still some people swear he's the funniest thing out there, like those whores that only read from Oprah's book club (the well-read whores, anyway). That shit gets old, if only because they don't realize that (a) most of us put his recent work on par with painting houses and watching them dry, and (two) the eBays have more good sports writing on the internet than one could ever hope to read. It's just an ignorant perspective.

The shit out on the web now is awesome. And while Simmons runs the equivalent of a two-yard screen pass twice a week, great blogs are doing their incredible things, some at more than double the pace, showcasing their biases without beating the reader over the head with them.

Still, I can see some of the NE/BSG Fanboy comments rolling in now: beantown said...You guys wish you were just like Simmons, man. He's living the dream and you guys ain't shit. Nah, I am very happy not being a Greenwich-raised anus-fistee with a two-year old named Zoe (btw, who names their kid Zoe that's not an Impressionist painter? Were the names Moonbeam and Orangello already being used in the family? Or maybe they just like that one comic strip? And does anybody have pics of her that we could post? Too many questions?). I am also very happy using jargon that ESPN would ban form my work, like "pigeon tits," "cocksnot," and "Deadspin.com."

Look, this is not to say that we necessarily hate the Patriots. We're just sick of the blind worship and fellating from the media and the team's fans. Two more weeks of Peyton in January is a small price to pay in place of having a New-York-Yankee-ish franchise with a front-running fanbase for all of next fall. And this is why something needs to happen NOW. This is why the Colts, in all their skull-fucking chokeworthiness, must prevail on Sunday.

The last thing we need is another Dallas Cowboys on our hands.

63 comments:

Basshole said...

A-men!

Big Daddy Drew said...

This Patriot team reminds me of the '86 Celtics. In fact, every team does. That park bench does. A light breeze does. Hmmm, that's odd. I seem to have lost any sense of self-restraint.

MDG said...

wow. just wow. I gotta say I feel personally attacked here. But I can't say I disagree that the Pats fans are slowly becoming like Cowboys fans.

And I totally agree on the there is a lot better writing out there thats coming up all day long not 2 days a week of weak shit.I have a full time non writing job and I manage to write about 10 posts a week.

It's cool that every hates on the Pats and Sox now. Cause it could be worse I could be an O's fan and have no hope ever.

MDG said...

That light breeze gives me an erection.

Big Daddy Drew said...

NOTE: PLEASE do not actually send us pictures of any writer's children. I could really do without the ensuing nervous breakdown.

feep said...

thank you brother punter.

Unsilent Majority said...

Seriously, see above...Punter's being facetious!

While I don't really enjoy the SG very much anymore I don't hate him quite that much. Regardless, I had to appreciate the transplendant hateration.

p.s. Celtic Pride is a great film!

MDG said...

UM stop following me around. BDD definitely made me laugh.

p.s. 2.99

Unsilent Majority said...

what is this you speak of?

Christmas Ape said...

Nothing like some Pats fans to overshadow the obnoxiousness of we Steelers fans around this time last year.

Nothing wrong with some homerism. As any readers of the site know, I'm quite the practitioner. Okay, I'm a fucking pro at it. But when you start trying to create immutable laws of the postseason that mandate no one ever picking against your team, you're taking it a shade too far.

MDG said...

You said you were hiding in the mothering hut for a while over on the Bog.

WeJamEcono said...

Everyone said this last year when Ape and I were praising the Steelers.

Now you wish the Bus was still running.

doug_plank said...

Who cares about his picks, his wife is right more often.

As the SG would say-

The Patriots are one win a way from being the NFL version of Bobby Orr.

J.L. White said...

There is not one Super Bowl matchup of the remaining 4 teams that I can give a flying fuck about. Of course, that has something to do with my team getting eliminated. I won't sit around a gulp down the haterade, like certain commentors who root for certain teams, but just sit back and quietly root for a trainwreck of a post-season.

C'mon, Bill Leavy, ruin another Super Bowl!!!

Jess said...

I agree with you as much as I possibly can, considering I'm a Patriots/Red Sox fan born and raised.

I think the only way I'll really turn into the punk-ass-bitch of a fan is if the Pats beat the Bears for it all, since I live in Chicago now.
You can't blame a girl for wanting a little payback, at least, not too much.

J.L. White said...

Oh, I'll hate on Bill Simmons, though. That douche still thinks he's an "everyday fan," even when he's writing articles about how he played video golf with Tiger Woods. He's pratically Rick Reilly at this point.

Rusty said...

Say what you want about Simmons, but claiming that the Patriots coverage before XLI will be more insufferable than the Colts' potential coverage is ridiculous.

If the Colts win I am not turning on my tv or checking the Internets for a month.

Unsilent Majority said...

even though he's a total dc hater, rusty's right.

bleedjetgreen said...

Man, not to spoil the hater party, but aren't we being a bit harsh on Mr Simmons? He can't pick games to save his life, but I still think he's relatively funny and insightful. Its not like he suddenly turned into Lupica or Albon.

Now, as for Pats/Sox fans turning into Cowboys fans... I think you may be on to something there.

Tom said...

I used to enjoy Simmons' columns, but then I grew up and realized he's a douche.

And if the Pats do go to the Super Bowl and win it, I may not even glance at ESPN.com because I will living in fear of the verbal fellatio Simmons will perform about Brady.

Mike said...

I'm with Rusty & UM. The rest of you guys are out of your minds if you don't think the global reach-around on Peyton will shake the world off its axis.

Yes, Brady's gotten his share of schlurping, as the sports media hit the ground knee-first. But he's WON THREE SUPER BOWLS!

Manning's been getting the sloppy seconds for years now and all he's done is choke harder than any of the Brady admirers actually doing the dirty work.

If Payton wins . . . oh my fucking god, the saliva and semen stream will put Indianapolis under water for 3 years.

Unsilent Majority said...

mgd is officially stalking me.

Unsilent Majority said...

Hating's what it's all about. Peyton's a great qb and probably a hell of a guy, but I'm gonna hate on that fucker 'til one of us is gone.

Mike said...

I'm gonna hate on him til he stops playing like a noodle-arm bitch in playoff games.

LeftWingCracker said...

Hey, I found a video of Peter King singing about Tom Brady..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ufwukWgKfI

PANGER said...

shelf life, people, don't forget shelf life. some day in the future, ksk will trasmute into the blogging equivalent of BS, reviled by those newer and hotter as a bunch of zucchini-farting blowhards.

the good news: by then you'll have been bought out by ESPN and won't give a rat's ass.

it's the circle of life.

8hrdrive said...

What do expect? Their doucheness has spread all over the country. They have their own network in Bristol and NY (NBC). Christ, Dick Ebersol shares a box with Bob Kraft. Conflict of interest?

It will soon be over...I hope.

Gerald Fnord said...

Ouch, that stings, man. Yeah, there are a shitload of Patriots fans out there who deserve to be insulted, but comparing us to Bill Simmons? Speaking as one of the many, many New Englanders who would dearly love to see Simmons strangled with his own intestines, I can certainly sympathize with hating on the guy. Hell, I even agree with you on the general topic of Massholes. Most of us in the other five NE states can't stand them either, and for all the same reasons you mentioned.

Patriot fandom certainly has attracted more than its share of loudmouth douches recently, but I'd be willing to bet that most of them are the type of bandwagon losers who latch on like suckfish to any team that wins for awhile, and never watched a Pats game prior to 2001. Those of us who can remember past the most recent six years of winning to the 41 seasons of abject humiliation that preceded them are a little less cocky.

Anyhoo, I'm not greedy; I won't be particularly upset if they don't win it all. Only Yankee fans regard titles as their god-given right. My only demand is that they must not lose to the Colts. I've spent more time in the shitty little burg of Indianapolis than anyone with an IQ over 80 should ever have to spend. I want nothing good to happen to the denizens of that shithole and their fetus-headed QB - EVER. You think Massholes are arrogant? Just wait until Hoosiers have something other than a couple of decades-old college basketball titles to crow about. You'll never hear the end of it.

Rufus said...

But when Peyton blows it in the big game it'll be all the more fun!!

Also do they have Gallo chained to a radiator in Bristol?

Beantown said...

Pus colored vaginal discharge is nasty MMP......As bad as I want the Pats to win, I want Peyton and the Colts to lose just as much or more. I know that's sad, but I have a vendetta against this fucking stat hero. I tell you what, let the Saints win everything...but you know you have too much love when you don't care anymore, that must make you Eagles, Boys' and everybody else fan feel like shit....completely sorry! Go Pats!

Jay said...

This is really going to be a tough weekend. Between all the "if you don't root for the Saints you hate America" and all the Tom Brady man-worship I'm not sure I'll make through the whole weekend.

My biggest delima is, although I'm so sick of the Brady love and the loud mouth Pats fans, there are few things in life more fun than watching Peyton Manning gag away another trip to the superbowl. I've been watching him choke since his days at Tenn.

So, I don't really know what to do.

Son of Brock Landers said...

the greatest schadenfreude would come from seeing Manning beat the Pats have 2 weeks of slurpage and then lose to the underdog NFC team. Pats fans lose, Manning loses, everybody wins.

Clint said...

I know people don't like bandwagon jumpers, but I'm the worst. I am officially, a bandwagon cocksnot Patriots lover right now.

Clint said...

Also, the Ven Diagram was a great touch.

ricky mcjones said...

you guys hating on simmons is like scott stapp hating on eddie vedder. simmons is the reason sites like this get read. not saying you should thank him, but it should at least preclude you from killing him. a lot of the shit you guys write is good, (or, at least what drew writes), but the unrelentless crapping on simmons just makes you look like fucking idiots.

if someone I knew had the same job as me but got paid shitloads of money to do less work than me when in my mind I was better at my job than him then of course I’d be jealous. I’m not saying you should admit to the jealousy; just don’t bring it up. it’s understood.

and of course simmons has become less readable/entertaining over time. everything sucks after a while. simmons peaked. deadspin is peaking if it hasn’t already. so what. one can only read the same style or jokes for so long before needing something different. . it’s not that simmons or deadspin are objectively less funny. they’re just not new. you’ll peak too. it’s just a matter of time til regular readers will think, ‘not another sex cannon bit; I remember when that used to be funny,’ at which point they’ll turn elsewhere for their semen, piss and douche sports-related jokes. you’re just another girlfriend to get sick of.

in any event, you're wrong. rusty et al are right. if the colts win this sunday the following two weeks will be awful.

Beantown said...

I know people are going to rip my ass like an old prison movie. But Brady and the Pats have three super bowls and two where he was MVP. If you can tell me that the Colts lose in the Super Bowl, I will concede my position. And I know all of you are like how can you say that because you root all year long. But the Pats were terrible years ago, I never thought they would ever win anything but I hate Peyton Manning. And I have no idea why, I think it was UM that said you just love to see him lose. I couldn't get enough of Ty Law picking his ass off and watching him mope to the sidelines shaking his head. It actually made me giddy and that word is gay! Americans love the underdog (that's why you all voted for the Pats at one time) but we also like to see somebody that everybody sucks off go down in flames....I'm serious, I get the same rush now from seeing the Pats win that I do Peyton lose! That's not normal right? The only thing I can relate to is how bad I love the Yankees losing this decade with every fucking star they buy....

Unsilent Majority said...

unrelentless

anybody can win an argument by making up words.

punter's got some serious simmons hate going on but that doesn't mean we all feel that way...all he needs to do is get out of LA.

Grimoald said...

I think Simmons is a cock and everything, but I want Peyton out of the title race as soon as possible. We are talking about playing an NFC team here, so whoever wins on Sunday in the Dome will likely win the whole thing, and I don't think I could take that.

Obviously a Saints championship win would be the best of all 4 options, by a fucking huge margin, but anything is better than Peyton getting the title.

Sean-O said...

Ricky and Beantown said it best. Most of the Boston sports fans have had enough of Simmons.But in turn I'm not really understanding the hatred the Pats are getting. Like all you beauts weren't rooting for them in SB36, after 9/11. Buuut after all you filth took down your American flags a few months after 9/11 because that wasn't really trendy anymore, people aren't rooting for the Pats anymore because thats not trendy. Just remember you're awful team could have had Brady. Actually you're awful team had 7 chances to get Brady, but you're front office could'nt really get it done. 7 times. Ouch. That's gotta hurt. Now if you don't mind, I need to figure out which Super Bowl DVD I'm gonna watch right now. I'm leaning towards SB38. That was a goodie.

Captain Caveman said...

you guys hating on simmons is like scott stapp hating on eddie vedder.

Funniest thing I've read all day.

We're more like Ryan Adams hating on Maroon 5: an artistically gifted dickhead with no respect for the proven big seller.

My simile is 800 times better than yours. Suck a fat cock. Also, I should mention, I'm drunk.

peter king crowned my ass said...

I should have been clearer on this point: If the Patriots win, they almost certainly will win the SB. But if the Colts advance, I am confident that Peyton will give us one of the greatest choke episodes since Scott Norwood.

I don't expect the Colts to win, should they advance. I think either NFC team would rather play the Colts, if only for the clutch attributes that they don't have.

Awful Announcing- said...

That's crazy. I knew two twins in highschool named Oranjello and Lemonjello. They were black though and not hippies.

Run Up The Score! said...

Well, that pretty much sums up how I feel about the AFC championship game. I can't think of a fanbase less deserving of such overwhelming success, and I'm from Philadelphia. Boston fans squandered any and all goodwill they accumulated before the World Series victory and the first Super Bowl victory.

Fucking insufferable pricks. I hope Peyton drops 51 points on them, and I can't believe I just typed that.

Miss Daisy said...

Please. Stop. Now.
A New England victory will allow for mindless muckheads like Sean Salisbury and even blowhards like Stephen A. to claim that '[the Patriots]...still have Tom Brady. Quite frankly, that's all you need.' Please the fellating of the Pats has gone on long enough. The storyline on a Manning win would be the 'over the hump' story and not the 'greatness of Manning' story.

And as a lifelong Chicagoan, da Bears better beat the Ain'ts by at least two TDs. You think the lovefest would be all in the AFC? In the NFC a Saints win will have all those over at the WWL tripping over themselves about the resilience of the team, region, intestines after a night of hurricanes and beignets. Ugh.

Please bring on Indy - Chicago.

Mike said...

The storyline on a Manning win would be [] the hump [] Manning' story.

I agree completely.

Jackin'4Beats said...

awfulannouncing - I knew of the same two kids in VA when they were in middle school or high school too. An I live in NY. Oranjello and Lemonjello...what kind of freakin' names are those?

And a friend of mine also knew about them like 5 years ago and she also lives in NY.

I know their hoodrat mom needs to be pimp-slapped two times for naming her kids that, but now it seems like they've become pseudo-famous for all the wrong reasons.

Good luck getting a job with those names on their resumes...

Jackin'4Beats said...

awfulannouncing - I knew of the same two kids in VA when they were in middle school or high school too. An I live in NY. Oranjello and Lemonjello...what kind of freakin' names are those?

And a friend of mine also knew about them like 5 years ago and she also lives in NY.

I know their hoodrat mom needs to be pimp-slapped two times for naming her kids that, but now it seems like they've become pseudo-famous for all the wrong reasons.

Good luck getting a job with those names on their resumes...

Romstud's Ramblings said...

God damn, you speak the truth of 10,000 sunshines. You truly speak the word of the righteous. Fuck the Pats! Lets go Country Hick Boy!

Mike said...

God damn, did you guys see today's Simmons piece?

He definitely read this. He's all-but responding to you without naming the blog. Pretty decent response on his end, I have to say.

Anyway, congrats. No matter how much you claim to hate him, it's pretty cool that he's altering his content based on what you guys write. A full-feldged weekly throw down is in the works, I feel.

The Andre Waters Experience said...

Fuck all y'all muthafuckers. On behalf of all non-New Englanders everywhere, let's acknowledge that LT (the San Diego version) had a point: the plucky, unrespected underdogs of New England are a bunch of preening, insufferable cocks. Let Rodney Harrison come back, play hurt and blow out his knee once and for all. Let Peyton get to the Super Bowl: as McNabb can tell you, just showing up doesn't get you into Canton.

As for Simmons, another reason to root against the Pats (and every Baaahston team) is that if they all start losing, he might be good again.

becky said...

Easily SG's worst, most suicide-inducive column ever today. Literally rolled my eyes at the computer 20 times.
He has officially crossed over from "annoying" and "hackneyed" to "insufferable" and "unreadable."
He should be allowed to write about the NBA only. He's lost all ability to write objectively about the NFL or MLB. And he was pushing it w/ the Suns column the other day too...oh, the Suns are fun to watch? Shut UP!

JoshLove said...

yeah, the suns columns was pretty great, but the one day was fucking mind-boggling. every single time he started to move away from a being a complete douche and acknowledge the pats were the new yankees and entirely deserving of hatred, he would totally undercut himself by mewling about how hating such a wonderful, plucky, gritty bunch of talentless fucksticks made you a soulless sack of excrement. srsly, hate (even if it's completely irrational) is an inherent part of what makes sports worth giving a shit about. why the fuck WOULD america want to rally around such an undynamic, unexciting team coached by a shabby derelict?

ricky mcjones said...

UM: i was drunk. gimme a break. anyway, pointing out grammar and spelling errors is a loser's argument, unless the errors are unrelentless. and there's nothing wrong with los angeles, unless you hate hot women, money, fast cars, and burritos.

The Andre Waters Experience said...

Rumor has it that Richard Jefferson looooves burritos. Not that ... [sigh]

DrunkPhuk said...

The Simmons bashing by another blogger is just pathetic. Jealousy is weak. And the sex-cannon stories are already tired and old. Gee - a blogger with a tired bit, never seen that before.

Gustakooka said...

Fuck all you hoes, get a grip.

Fuck anyone that says the Patriots are over-hyped; That is pure jealousy, and you should take your skull-fucking with a smile. At this point, the people bitching about the Patriots are drowning out any Patriots boosters. Sit and watch as Bill and Brady win again, and still come back next year even stronger. Get used to this, bitches, the Pats are actually a team built for the future. Save your voices for bitching about the Pats in 4 or 5 years after seeing them dominate your suck teams for the next ten years.

Frank & Lena said...

From a Saints Fan persepctive: I sent this to him today after reading, nay, skimming, most of that column...

Bill,

Seriously, I CAN'T believe that you spent that entire column on the "NFL" and gave the Saints one...ONE...paragraph, outside of your "picks" section. And that paragraph was used to put the NFL conspiracy theory in play. I don't care if you think it's true or not, but you failed in every respect to give the Saints ANY credit for the success they've earned this year and in the process created the possibility that none of your readers will either.

Feel good story...nope - possibly the one remaining NFC team that could beat either the Colts or the Pats in the Super Bowl...nope - that with your tendency to slobber all over the knob of good coaches you fail to acknowledge that it might, could, and/or is a possibility that the Saints turn around is do in large part to Sean Payton...again, nope.

We all know you're a "homer"...and that's fine and I've tolerated it for the past 6 years of reading, enjoying, and contributing to your columns, but this is the final straw that, for me, has broken the camel’s back. You’ve been on a slide for the past year and it’s just isn’t turning around…and now you’ve added insult to that injury.

I'll see you over at Deadspin or KSK...wait, no I won't...they hate you there. And after what I just read, I agree with that sentiment.

J.L. White said...

My God, Simmons had this one opportunity to acknowledge the "Patriots are the new Yankees" angle, and he totally blew it. Any hope of him not being a total douche was lost when he blamed America for not loving a team that didn't have a bunch of assholes and drug users on it. Hey, Simbo, maybe you can wrap your brain around the fact that we hate the Pats because THEY ARE FROM BAH-STON, AND WE ARE SICK OF YOU AND ALL OF YOUR KIND!!!

Anyway, it's totally obvious he reads this blog, and knows fully well what said about him and his team. There is a war brewing between the Bloggers and guys like Simmons and Peter King, and I like the group who is (a.) under 35 years old, and (b.) not fat and bloated pieces of crap. You guys are just fat and bloated. And gassy.

John said...

fans of consistently winning teams are always hated. when one of your favorite teams wins 3 super bowls in 5 years or whatever, people will start to find reasons to hate you, your team, and your state. trust me.
personally, i dont hate tom brady or peyton manning. its not their fault the media fawns over them. i guess if they weren't so good (especially brady) nobody would fawn over them.
the thing is, if you constantly choke, like peyton manning, people will hate you for that. if you constantly win, like tom brady, people will hate you for that, too. hence, they're both hated.

John said...

also, the fawning coverage of tom brady might not drive you all so nuts if you didn't spend your entire day reading 7,000 sports columns on the same subject

Unsilent Majority said...

I still love ya' Billy Boy!

Wwonka said...

Sounds like you should put on your pink colts hat and cry yourself to sleep.

Patriots fans do have a chip on our shoulder. Since everyone picks them to lose every week.

Colts Fans Resemble
Pus-Colored Vaginal Discharge is more like it.

get a grip the patriots are good
and they wait till they win and then they talk.

number8fan said...

Bill Simmons' latest column showed exactly what is so annoying about Patriots fans. My respect for their team isn't enough for them. They expect everyone else to loooooove the Pats as much as they do. Guess what? Ain't gonna happen. It is what it is.