Patriots Fans Resemble Pus-Colored Vaginal Discharge

As of this posting, we're about 20 hours away from what will certainly be a vigorously-worded fellation from Boston Sports Gyno William "Mild Bill" Simmons for SportsPickle II Page 2. The criticisms against Simmons' recent work have been well-documented, and I see no need to rehash them in detail here, aside from noting that Simmons doesn't really represent "the fan's perspective" as opposed to "the Boston fan who flosses with his dad's cockfur and then eats it perspective." Simmons' bias steers him toward plugging endlessly about Bah-ston's teams and how fucking wonderful they are.

Boston fandom, for reasons we don't really give a shit about, seems to be contageous. Not so much of a "Baseball Fever--Catch It!" contageous, but rather a bit of the "Why do I have this open leison on my scrotum?" variety. And it's not just the Boston Sports Gyno. Loud, obnoxious, and uneducated people are flocking to this team unabashedly, even as they sit only one game from a Super Bowl.

Just a short while ago, Unsilent Majority pissed excellence in a post debating which AFC team would better represent the universe in Super Bowl XLI. He argued that a Patriots victory, while shitty, offered better odds for maintaining the balance of the universe. Quoting the Good Jew:

After years of watching the Patriots have their way with the rest of the NFL I've grown numb. There's really nothing more they can do to hurt me any further, it's not like their fans can become bigger douchebags (unless Andrew Dice Clay Matsuzaka gives the Sox another title).

There's only one problem with that. If the Patriots win the AFC, that victory would be yet another tallywhack on the Don't Bet Against The Patriots board that we are all tired of hearing about. They will almost certainly be the favorite going into the Super Bowl, and then even Father Nelson will put his money down on them winning it all. Again. Would that team make it to football's biggest game, and then come up short in the end? Not a chance. And that Super Bowl title, mind you, would be the Pats' fourth in six years, and would virtually lock them up as Team of the Dec... of the De...Fuck, I can't even type it.

A fourth Super Bowl victory would legitimately put the Patriots on par with any other dynasty in the league. It's bad enough that Patriot fans are acting like Patriot fans. Now imagine Patriot fans acting like Cowboy fans. It will be that bad.


Simmons, for his part, took the early championships in stride, but since the Red Sox won it all in 2004, he, along with the rest of the Massholes, has gradually become insufferable. He's become more Woody Allen than Steve Allen (polarized, too synonymous with his home city), and still some people swear he's the funniest thing out there, like those whores that only read from Oprah's book club (the well-read whores, anyway). That shit gets old, if only because they don't realize that (a) most of us put his recent work on par with painting houses and watching them dry, and (two) the eBays have more good sports writing on the internet than one could ever hope to read. It's just an ignorant perspective.

The shit out on the web now is awesome. And while Simmons runs the equivalent of a two-yard screen pass twice a week, great blogs are doing their incredible things, some at more than double the pace, showcasing their biases without beating the reader over the head with them.

Still, I can see some of the NE/BSG Fanboy comments rolling in now: beantown said...You guys wish you were just like Simmons, man. He's living the dream and you guys ain't shit. Nah, I am very happy not being a Greenwich-raised anus-fistee with a two-year old named Zoe (btw, who names their kid Zoe that's not an Impressionist painter? Were the names Moonbeam and Orangello already being used in the family? Or maybe they just like that one comic strip? And does anybody have pics of her that we could post? Too many questions?). I am also very happy using jargon that ESPN would ban form my work, like "pigeon tits," "cocksnot," and "Deadspin.com."

Look, this is not to say that we necessarily hate the Patriots. We're just sick of the blind worship and fellating from the media and the team's fans. Two more weeks of Peyton in January is a small price to pay in place of having a New-York-Yankee-ish franchise with a front-running fanbase for all of next fall. And this is why something needs to happen NOW. This is why the Colts, in all their skull-fucking chokeworthiness, must prevail on Sunday.

The last thing we need is another Dallas Cowboys on our hands.