Thursday, January 18, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake: New England Patriots

Every day this week, KSK will take a closer look at each of the NFL's Final Four. Today: the New England Patriots.

Welcome to the 2007 New England Patriots Postseason Quiz! Because fans are so divided about the most successful team of the 21st century, we here at KSK have given you the option of choosing the scouting report that fits your opinions best.

NFL fans, you're either in or you're out. Right now.

Tom Brady is...
A. One of the all-time greats. By the time he gets done winning championships people who try to compare Montana and Elway to him will get laughed at.
B. Totally overrated. He achieved the underwhelming feat of being less interception-prone than Drew Bledsoe, then he rode a conservative offense and terrific defense to three championships.
C. A really good quarterback I'd prefer not reading about every day.

Bill Belichick is...
A. Only the fackin' greatest coach EVAH, kid! He's wicked smaht!
B. A misanthropic hoodie-wearing home-wrecking homunculus who's been a complete bitch about members of his coaching staff leaving for higher-profile and higer-paying jobs.
C. A really good coach. And honestly, I don't give a fuck that he wears a hooded sweatshirt. Those things are comfortable.

The Patriots' wide receivers...
A. Are further testament that the Pats make brilliant personnel decisions across the board. What are David Patten and Deion Branch doing now? Not getting ready for the AFC Championship Game, that's what.
B. Are who, exactly?
C. Have funny names.

The two places Scott Pioli looks for new wide receivers.

New England fans...
A. Are all the best people I know.
B. Are fucking tools. Dear sweet God and baby Jesus Christ, I hope they get their own circle of hell.
C. Like any subset of humans, are a pretty standard mix of people. It's just hard to hear the witty, insightful ones because the legions of dumbfucks are so loud. But that's not all that different from the rest of the world.

The Patriots play their home games...
A. At the fackin' RAYZA!
B. In front of degenerate tea-tossing inbreeders.
C. In Foxborough, Massachusetts. I guess that's near Boston?

Tedy Bruschi...
A. May be the single greatest human alive.
B. Defies everything I learned in "Hooked on Phonics."
C. Still reminds me of Extreme's "Hole-Hearted."


The Media Exposure of Tom Brady...
A. Is completely warranted. Dude's won three Super Bowls, he's a sex symbol, and he's carried the team on his back the last two years. In fact, I always said, if I had to fuck a guy -- I mean had to, if my life depended on it...
B. Die. Fucking Die. Reporters, Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen... DIE.
C. Makes little pieces of my soul die. I don't hate the guy, but did we really need him to do the coin toss at last year's Super Bowl?

If you cheer for the Patriots because your team's season is already over and your best friend from basic armor training who got killed in Iraq was a die-hard fan from Pembroke, Mass., other Patriots fans will...
A. Accept you with open arms. They love our troops.
B. Assume you're a bandwagon-jumping poseur because you didn't grow up with a gay-ass Tony Eason jersey and a plush Pat Patriot you used strictly for adolescent masturbation. Then they'll talk shit about you behind your back like a catty passive-aggressive bitch with an eating disorder.
C. Actually, in this case, "B" is the correct answer. They really are that fucking obnoxious.

ANSWER KEY

If you answered mostly...

A's: Take the following steps. (1) find a claw hammer; (2) attack your genitalia with the nail-extraction side. And don't half-ass it.

B's: Stop reading Monday Morning Quarterback. It's affecting your blood pressure in an unhealthy way.

C's: Congratulations, you're apathetic! Welcome to the club! Join me in rooting for the Saints or Bears in the Super Bowl.

21 comments:

Steel City Metal said...

A. Only the fackin' greatest coach EVAH, kid! He's wicked smaht!

hahahahhaha

Mr Furious said...

Tony Eason? Fuck that candy-ass. Steve Grogan, baby.

MDG said...

Andre Tippett kids. Tedy couldn't hold his jock.

becky said...

you are really pushing that "3 things I couldn't stop thinking" post, huh kid...let it go.

$klimp$ said...

I'd fuck Elvis

stig o'tracy said...

Patriots : Nuno, '91 :: Zeitgeist : Grunge, '92

Three cheers for Apathy!

Captain Caveman said...

you are really pushing that "3 things I couldn't stop thinking" post, huh kid...let it go.

The only thing I'm letting go of is YOUR MOM. Oh!

WeJamEcono said...

So this is like Jon Boy's and Billy's quiz "Pick C"?

Yes, I live in applachaville. I am allowed such lowbrow humour.

Unsilent Majority said...

that's what this blog needs...Becky's mom!

FenwayFaithful78 said...

All this hatred for Boston. Why can't we all just get along?

We fought the English damnit! One if my land n' shit. Mutha of gawd give us a freakin break people. So what if we are solidly broken into two sterotypes: Kennedy types and IROCZ driving,aerosmith blaring, hampton beach cruzin, douche bags. So what if we piss and moan about our sports. It's fuckin cold up here- what else are we supposed to do but drink and talk sports.

So as I flip my feet on my desk, dream of molesting Brady, blare some Boston on the radio and drink Budweiser from a can- I say: Where is yoh fuckin team this yea buddy?

becky said...

your loss dude, my mom is hot.

the Disciples of Dreamboat are insufferable. that's a true fact.

bleedjetgreen said...

the Disciples of Dreamboat are insufferable. that's a true fact.

Cases in point - beantown and fenwayfaithful78. Zing!

Just kidding boys... just couldn't resist.

Scott said...

God as my witness, I didn't realize he spelled his name with one "d" until today. What a homo.

Clint said...

This is simply amazing! SIMPLY AMAZING! I've been around a long time, and let me tell you Captain Caveman, this is your best material to date.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Is it me or does everyone from New England sound like Norm from This Old House and New Yankee Workshop?

Also, I'd put Norm in the same class as Bahstan names like Murph, Sully and Paddy.

The Pirate Sloth said...

The Pirate Sloth's guide to multiple choice quizzes:

When is doubt, always guess C.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

i feel tom brady coulda played the part of Matt Damon in The Departed. both look like fucking pansies and can probably pull off the boston accent nicely...though brady would have been killed far earlier by his own hubris.

Nope said...

I hope the Bears beat the Patriots in the Superbowl. Then Grossman can shoot steaming hot passes all over Bill Simmons' face while giving Mrs. Sports Gal the CannonShocker. That will shut him up.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

What? No Spicy McHaggis jokes?

Dropkick Murphys suck too!

Beantown said...

Beantown has been shutdown - 3rd person on your ass bleedjetgreen. Ohh the days of Grogan and Eason, yeah Tippett was fucking the man but they found every possible way to lose back then it was scary! Ohh good times, when you would play quarters with Smirnoff Silver 90 proof and chase it with Meister Braue....shit ya! When pong was putting the fucking slat over the billard's table...can you feel that Mr. Ping!

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Ya know...at this point it doesn't matter if beantown types out his accent phonetically. I just hear it in my head when I read it. weird