Every day this week, KSK will take a closer look at each of the NFL's Final Four. Today: the New England Patriots.
Welcome to the 2007 New England Patriots Postseason Quiz! Because fans are so divided about the most successful team of the 21st century, we here at KSK have given you the option of choosing the scouting report that fits your opinions best.
Tom Brady is...
A. One of the all-time greats. By the time he gets done winning championships people who try to compare Montana and Elway to him will get laughed at.
B. Totally overrated. He achieved the underwhelming feat of being less interception-prone than Drew Bledsoe, then he rode a conservative offense and terrific defense to three championships.
C. A really good quarterback I'd prefer not reading about every day.
Bill Belichick is...
A. Only the fackin' greatest coach EVAH, kid! He's wicked smaht!
B. A misanthropic hoodie-wearing home-wrecking homunculus who's been a complete bitch about members of his coaching staff leaving for higher-profile and higer-paying jobs.
C. A really good coach. And honestly, I don't give a fuck that he wears a hooded sweatshirt. Those things are comfortable.
The Patriots' wide receivers...
A. Are further testament that the Pats make brilliant personnel decisions across the board. What are David Patten and Deion Branch doing now? Not getting ready for the AFC Championship Game, that's what.
B. Are who, exactly?
C. Have funny names.
New England fans...
A. Are all the best people I know.
B. Are fucking tools. Dear sweet God and baby Jesus Christ, I hope they get their own circle of hell.
C. Like any subset of humans, are a pretty standard mix of people. It's just hard to hear the witty, insightful ones because the legions of dumbfucks are so loud. But that's not all that different from the rest of the world.
The Patriots play their home games...
A. At the fackin' RAYZA!
B. In front of degenerate tea-tossing inbreeders.
C. In Foxborough, Massachusetts. I guess that's near Boston?
A. May be the single greatest human alive.
B. Defies everything I learned in "Hooked on Phonics."
C. Still reminds me of Extreme's "Hole-Hearted."
The Media Exposure of Tom Brady...
A. Is completely warranted. Dude's won three Super Bowls, he's a sex symbol, and he's carried the team on his back the last two years. In fact, I always said, if I had to fuck a guy -- I mean had to, if my life depended on it...
B. Die. Fucking Die. Reporters, Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen... DIE.
C. Makes little pieces of my soul die. I don't hate the guy, but did we really need him to do the coin toss at last year's Super Bowl?
If you cheer for the Patriots because your team's season is already over and your best friend from basic armor training who got killed in Iraq was a die-hard fan from Pembroke, Mass., other Patriots fans will...
A. Accept you with open arms. They love our troops.
B. Assume you're a bandwagon-jumping poseur because you didn't grow up with a gay-ass Tony Eason jersey and a plush Pat Patriot you used strictly for adolescent masturbation. Then they'll talk shit about you behind your back like a catty passive-aggressive bitch with an eating disorder.
C. Actually, in this case, "B" is the correct answer. They really are that fucking obnoxious.
If you answered mostly...
A's: Take the following steps. (1) find a claw hammer; (2) attack your genitalia with the nail-extraction side. And don't half-ass it.
B's: Stop reading Monday Morning Quarterback. It's affecting your blood pressure in an unhealthy way.
C's: Congratulations, you're apathetic! Welcome to the club! Join me in rooting for the Saints or Bears in the Super Bowl.