KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake: Chicago Bears

Today's preview is about a certain team from a certain Midwestern town known for its Polish sausage that starts with a C, ends with an O, and in the middle is "hicag."

The Bears will need a good game if they intend to overthrow The Media's Anointed Team Of Destiny and advance to the Super Bowl. They may be a sentimental favorite here in the underground of the four remaining teams, as the Bears' fanbase has the lowest quotient of Massholes, flood evacuees, and people from central Indiana. Yes, we are judging teams' potential performance by their fans, now shut up and put some pants on.

This team does not boast the balance of its opponent today; it has been all about defense for some time now, save for the explosive special-teamer Devin "Anytime" Hester, whose nickname really should be "Anytime, Except For Man Coverage," where his inexperience is most apparent. But that defense has been banged up through its long campaign. Grossman will have to resort to more than the occasional three-step drop instead of looking for the electric chuck on every 1st and 10.

And to go a bit off-topic, I am pissed that they couldn't have had at least one of these games yesterday. I mean, I understand the NFL doesn't want to give an advantage to the team with a 15-day layoff over the team with the 14-day layoff. That would just be so unfair, even Kim Jong-il thinks that is a bit heavyhanded.

Either way, da Bears will need to pull one out here, despite being the favorite. I'll be curious to see which team uses their tandem backfield more often and more effectively, and to see if the weather has any dictation on play-calling. As I said before, I am rooting for snow and boobies, but I will settle for snow.