Friday, January 12, 2007

Always Be Covering--Especially In the Playoffs

Welcome to the Divisional Playoff edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. With the playoffs in full swing we've gotta take advantage of the final weeks of earning potential the league has afforded us.

All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection.

-William Faulkner

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
-Salvador Dali

With all due respect to a couple of the great minds of the twentieth century... they wouldn't know perfection if it streamed forth from their fascinum. Perfection isn't only attainable, it's pretty fuckin' easy, especially if all you piss is excellence.




If Curt Henning wasn't dead he'd be here telling all of you how last week's picks were absolutely perfect... but he isn't, so I'm doing it myself. Wildcard weekend is always a gamble but the god of football was shining on all of us (you did put the rent on a four team parlay... right?). So enough with the bullshit, it's time to get back down to business--it's time for 8-0!

Indy +4 @ Crackmore
I do not particularly care for Indianapolis or the flailing humongoid fetus they line up under center week after godforsaken week. However I'd rather witness the resurrection of the Third Reich than watch another Ravens game. How could I be expected to endorse such a woeful group of miscreants? Indy isn't done yet, and if you don't believe me just wait until Dwight Freeney abuses the banged up Jonathan Ogden leading to Steve McNair's untimely death. As we already know, Kyle Boller isn't a closer coverer.

New Orleans -6 vs. Philly
It's the team of destiny vs. the team that as no business being here. Yeah Philly's played pretty well with El Jefe but how long does anybody really expect that to continue? Fuck no, he's done. Betting against teams of destiny is how you wind up sucking dick under a pier for the mere sustenance.

Seattle +8.5 @ Chicago
I wasn't sure where to go with this pick. Drew kept arguing on behalf of his Sexy Rexy by citing the size of his schwanzenstook (little known fact, Drew is a gay Austrian fashion icon) but I just wasn't sold. Contrary to the common perception Chicago is a shitty home playoff team, in fact they're 2-6 in their last eight efforts. Since Tommie Harris went down their defense hasn't stopped shit. As much as I love the Cumslinger I'm not eager to invest in his on-field performance.

New England +4.5 @ San Diego
In order to solve this dilemma I've devised an ingenious formula to help you out.
Bill Belichick's Rings - Marty Schottenheimer's Rings = Bill Belichick's Rings
I'm like the new Kurt Gödel... without the eating disorder.


So there are your winners, try to not fuck it up. Feel free to share your can't miss parlays/teasers/asinine prop bets in the comment section.

29 comments:

5150cd said...

Mr. Perfect was awesome. Everytime I chew gum I try to spit it out and hit it like he did.

Nothing was cooler than when he Perfect-plexed the Giant.

Shoopmonster said...

Too bad it's Hennig and not Henning. I'm such a loser.

TroubleHelix said...

My #1 threat to America shirt is being overnighted to me as we speak.

What are the odds that Seattle wins another playoff game because of the follies of an over hyped QB?

swing4 said...

UM, I used to wonder why you always screw up the font on Fridays. Now, I just smile and appreciate the flub as your own special, adorable, little signature tic (calm down Siobhan, I'm still holding out for Falco's return from the East River).

Also, Unsilent, fuck you. Philly is going to eke out the slimmest of victories this weekend, while I experience dizziness and chest pains, followed by elation and loss of consciousness.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Swing, your dizziness and chest pains come from fantasizing about Rextasy, its natural for a woman - don't you worry. Rub one out and you'll be OK.

And UM..since you know what its like sucking cock under a pier...um, what should we say?

flubby said...

Now, I just smile and appreciate the flub


That's what I'm talking about.

Rob I said...

Eagles are going to blow the roof off the Superdome.

HofC said...

I don't even care who wins. All I know is that I finally get HDTV this weekend so I fully prepared to spend the weekend drooling in front of it....

HofC said...

That being said:

Eagles get crushed (and I smile)
Bears win (Rexacsty screws it up next week)
Ravens win (Unfortunately UM,teams don't win based on how much you like them)
And umm....man I hope SD wins. I can't deal with another Pats SB team....

Unsilent Majority said...

Eagles are going to blow the roof off the Superdome.

Oh they're gonna blow alright.

my formatting is beyond reproach.

becky said...

Because fuck the Eagles, that's why.

Unsilent Majority said...

FUCK YEAH!

the dude said...

I'd take Seattle, but I'm rooting for Chicago because life without some Rextasy isn't worth living.

Oh yeah and I wouldn't mind if the current and former Baltimore teams both lost. They make my blood boil.

And as for America's Bandwagon Team vs. America's Sweetheart Team, gotta get off the bandwagon sometime, Saints.

I'm torn about the last game, I hate the Pats, I hate Marty for finally changing his ways when he should have done that when he was coaching my fav team the Chiefs. But I'll take San Diego because they screwed with Pats fans and that made me smile.

Big Jim Slade said...

Eagles will get Perfect-Plex'd,
Colts will get Stunner'd,
Bears are in for a Sharpshooter,
and the Pats will be the recipient of one Ghetto Blaster to the back of the head.

Them's my picks. Hulk Hogan? You can't do that.

goto11 said...

If McNair were to get killed on Saturday, I hardly think you could call it untimely. That dude has been cheating the reaper for years.

doug_plank said...

Bears 24-13.

Rex is "overhyped"?

Outside his sperminator prowess on the Rexy ladies between the sheets, he has been threatened to be benched in favor of the drunken version of Chris Simms version 1.0.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck better be shaved cause Rex want that shit clean when he devours it after the game.

the dude said...

Heck the sex cannon will probably have a foursome with Matt's wife, mother, and sister-in-law.

Rusty said...

UM, you were clearly stealing the picks from The Great Football Mind, Bill Simmons to snag that 4-0 wild card record.

But your support of the Patriots is appreciated.

Mike said...

Faulkner, Dali, Nazis, bowling, riverside blowjobs, and Rex Grossman in one football-related post.

Perhaps your finest hour, UM.

Unsilent Majority said...

Rusty, I knew somebody was going to mention that. Rest assured last week's post was written on Thursday night, hours before Simmons' picks were up on Page 2. And if I wanted to steal somebody's picks I would have called up his wife.

Captain Caveman said...

Heck the sex cannon will probably have a foursome with Matt's wife, mother, and sister-in-law.

DOROTHY HASSELBECK IS A SAINT!!!

Run Up The Score! said...

Come on, if any villainous assholes are going to ruin the party in New Orleans, doesn't it have to be the Eagles and our turdish fans?

fallex said...

Indy may not win, but they will not lose by more than a FG. Their Rush D is bad. Jamal Lewis is not one to take advantage.
The eegles will lose, by a lot. The Saints fans will tear the roof of the sucker.
Shaun Alexander will be injured removing Urlacher's taint from the roof of his mouth. Bears by 2 TD's.
Take the Pats to win. Pee Rivers will have nightmares about this game for years to come.


Awesome! my word verification: pmpdd (pimpdaddy) These googles is smart!

JMW said...

I'm teasing the Saints (+1) and the Pats (+11), but I'm not dumb enough to call it can't-miss. They're called teases for a reason.

PANGER said...

Indianpolis Colts = Vichy France

Chamomiles Davis said...

Eagles win, 24-20. What, I'm supposed to root for a football team because they're based in a town with piss-poor levee construction? Yeah, right. All Eagles-haters are cordially invited under the pier for your dose of free sustenance.

Seahawks win, 14-10. To combat the overwhelming urge to fall asleep, beer is replaced by the fans with Red-Bull-and-meth cocktails somewhere near the end of the third quarter.

Ravens win, 21-13. Peyton Manning wonders if there's any way to make it look like Adam Vinatieri missed an 8-point field goal.

Chargers win... because I fucking hate the Patriots. How's that for incisive analysis?

highonLowe said...

What would you rather watch? another Colts-Patriots AFC Champship game
or
the Harry Connick Jr Christmas Special

The Pirate Sloth said...

Harry Connick.

He can croon his way into anyone's pants.

Tom said...

I enjoy the mathematical solution to the Pats/Bolts game. Seems logical.

But you mean to tell me that Bill Simmons picked the Pats? I am SHOCKED.