Every day this week, KSK will take a closer look at each of the NFL's Final Four. Or we may re-interpret "closer look" as "cheap shots against your soiled condom of a town and passing it off as football knowledge." One of those two.
Ah, man, those Saints.
Some of those people covering the NFL playoffs have sworn off objectivity and adopted these Saints as some sort of team of destiny. Many others are unabashed in discussing "what a great story; it's straight from a Hollywood script," which is somewhat amusing when one considers that recent speculation had this team packing up and reopening shop in that very vicinity. But I digress.
It baffles the mind that so many noses can fit snugly into the ass of a single team, metaphorically or otherwise. The approbation for a team without an established pedigree may be unprecedented, which may be why so many people, without the slightest iota of shame, have invited you onto the Who Dat bandwagon, as if holding a seat there since the beginning, as this revitalized franchise stampedes toward a destiny that is as glorious as it is improbable.
I am not one of those people.
The rhetoric just steels my resolve to not give a fuck about this team. But it's tough. Never mind that their city is relying on an economy that resembled smeared dog shit even before the levees broke (Louisiana is home to fewer Fortune 500 companies than the booming state of...Alabama). Their TV market isn't even in the top 40. And that was in 1994, before the New Orleans PD stole all the TVs.
Those fans who still have a balance on their government debit cards may not be able to get tickets if the Bears shut out fans like they did for the Seattle game. The players, unfortunately, still have to go, which is nice, because the sooner this fucking team loses, the sooner I can turn my radio in the car back on. And if these Bayou Bedwetters want to avoid getting Cannonized, they'd best adhere to these bits of wisdom:
1. Don't fucking freeze to death: Chicago is cold. Or so I hear.
2. Use Reggie Bush and stuff: He was a steal in last year's draft after the Houston Texans took the Diet Pepsi machine. He's also a versatile threat and salesman.
3. Get the ball to the best TE in the league, Marques Colston. Oh, yeah, Colston doesn't play tight end. Did you hear that, Yahoo! Sports? Colston also went to 1-AA Hofstra. That's in Canada, right?
4. No big plays allowed on D. Whoever scores more points will probably win this game. Yeah, I just said that, but don't let the math scare you. Just realize that if the game is over and the other team is jumping up and down, you scored fewer points. And hopefully our good friends in the Midway will accommodate us.
And then maybe Reggie Bush will spend his post-game interviews wiping Rexeed out of his eye. And then maybe finds out that his girl is having his best friend's baby. Through a text message. And then he gets dismembered by a chainsaw. Then roll credits.
That's a Hollywood ending I can get behind.