Wednesday, January 17, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake:
Los Angeles New Orleans Saints


Every day this week, KSK will take a closer look at each of the NFL's Final Four. Or we may re-interpret "closer look" as "cheap shots against your soiled condom of a town and passing it off as football knowledge." One of those two.

Ah, man, those Saints.

Some of those people covering the NFL playoffs have sworn off objectivity and adopted these Saints as some sort of team of destiny. Many others are unabashed in discussing "what a great story; it's straight from a Hollywood script," which is somewhat amusing when one considers that recent speculation had this team packing up and reopening shop in that very vicinity. But I digress.

It baffles the mind that so many noses can fit snugly into the ass of a single team, metaphorically or otherwise. The approbation for a team without an established pedigree may be unprecedented, which may be why so many people, without the slightest iota of shame, have invited you onto the Who Dat bandwagon, as if holding a seat there since the beginning, as this revitalized franchise stampedes toward a destiny that is as glorious as it is improbable.

I am not one of those people.

The rhetoric just steels my resolve to not give a fuck about this team. But it's tough. Never mind that their city is relying on an economy that resembled smeared dog shit even before the levees broke (Louisiana is home to fewer Fortune 500 companies than the booming state of...Alabama). Their TV market isn't even in the top 40. And that was in 1994, before the New Orleans PD stole all the TVs.

Those fans who still have a balance on their government debit cards may not be able to get tickets if the Bears shut out fans like they did for the Seattle game. The players, unfortunately, still have to go, which is nice, because the sooner this fucking team loses, the sooner I can turn my radio in the car back on. And if these Bayou Bedwetters want to avoid getting Cannonized, they'd best adhere to these bits of wisdom:

1. Don't fucking freeze to death: Chicago is cold. Or so I hear.

2. Use Reggie Bush and stuff: He was a steal in last year's draft after the Houston Texans took the Diet Pepsi machine. He's also a versatile threat and salesman.

3. Get the ball to the best TE in the league, Marques Colston. Oh, yeah, Colston doesn't play tight end. Did you hear that, Yahoo! Sports? Colston also went to 1-AA Hofstra. That's in Canada, right?


4. No big plays allowed on D. Whoever scores more points will probably win this game. Yeah, I just said that, but don't let the math scare you. Just realize that if the game is over and the other team is jumping up and down, you scored fewer points. And hopefully our good friends in the Midway will accommodate us.

And then maybe Reggie Bush will spend his post-game interviews wiping Rexeed out of his eye. And then maybe finds out that his girl is having his best friend's baby. Through a text message. And then he gets dismembered by a chainsaw. Then roll credits.

That's a Hollywood ending I can get behind.

23 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

But the Diet Pepsi machine has great length.

highonLowe said...

and then the NCAA decides to enforce the fucking rules and his Heisen Trophey is taken away, and then USC loses their 2005-06 National Championship.

flubby said...

Thes Saints are easily the least objectionable team remaining.

4giantsfans said...

I can just see the women of Miami rubbing Rexseed oil over themselves. The cumslinger is loading up.

4giantsfans said...

The obvious reference here is the cimslinger filling Reggie's bush with some Rexseed.

Unsilent Majority said...

but would Barry Bonds use the Rexeed oil?

doug_plank said...

Reggie has said he is not concern with Rex, Urlacher or Robbie Gould.

So I guess you can say that Bush does not care about white people.

Unsilent Majority said...

or maybe he just hates bears as much as stephen colbert

4giantsfans said...

The Rexseed oil has powers that may be illegal in baseball.

Awful Chief said...

It's too bad Mike Brown isn't healthy enough to fuck the city of New Orleans again.

4giantsfans said...

Slightly off topic. Jenna Jameson Wants Scarlett Johansson For Biopic.

Scarlett has already vowed to strip off for the cameras if the right role comes along, saying last year, "I'm not opposed to doing nudity - it would just have to be the right project."

the dude said...

I'd prefer a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick during postgame interviews.

doug_plank said...

It's the best I could come up with UM you took my Bonds/Rexeed joke.

Damn you and your quick wit!!!!!

Captain Caveman said...

4giantsfans:

Don't get too excited. Jenna Jameson wants ScarJo to play her? Yeah, her and everybody else. Scarlett's comments were that she'd do it for some "art film," and I don't think the JJ biopic quite fits that description. Wait on this one until Miss Johansson says she's interested (hint: she won't).

Back to the Saints.

Senor Beavis said...

I still want to know how the hell the Diet Pepsi machine isn't on the Patriots? Was it a cap casualty? A Deion Branch situation? How did its departure affect Tom Brady's psyche? Plot holes! Hate 'em.

anon said...

> Scarlett's comments were that she'd do it for some "art film,"...

Vincent Gallo says, "call me."

The Pirate Sloth said...

The Pirate Sloth will delve deep into the Jenna/Scarlett situation and bring you an in-depth answer.

Give me about 3-5 minutes and I'll get back to you.

TheBigO said...

"what a great story; it's straight from a Hollywood script,"

Except with a whole lot of black people in it.

peter king crowned my ass said...

+1, theBigO.

d said...

"Except with a whole lot of black people in it."

..and not a single Jew orchestrating the entire thing.

TheBigO said...

"+1, theBigO. "

So, I think that brings my score to 2, yep 2. Sweet.

rar288 said...

Rextacy is so mantastic he would spray his seed all over Reggie Bush and the Diet Pepsi machine until they are both fucking covered in it.

By the way you might not want to drink the Diet Pepsi out of the machine...

If you are a woman though chug it down because Rex's seed causes instant orgasm to anyone with a vagina.

Mike said...

...we may re-interpret "closer look" as "cheap shots against your soiled condom of a town and passing it off as football knowledge."

Isn't calling New Orleans a soiled condom of a town a compliment?