Monday, January 22, 2007

Hi! I'm Peyton Manning, And You Can Go F--k Yourself


Hello! I'm Peyton Manning, quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, and I have a special message for all of you out there that don't like me:

Go fuck yourself.

Fuck you long and hard and with the depth of a thousand oceans. Fuck you sideways. Fuck you upside down. Fuck you hanging from a jungle gym. Fuck you in. Fuck you out. Fuck you with a snow shovel.

I'd also like to extend this message out to all you New Englanders out there. Fuck you. Fuck your weather. Fuck your stupid accent. Fuck your goatee. It looks idiotic. And FUCK Boston. Fuck your shitty traffic. Fuck all your elite college students, half of whom end up becoming ski instructors. Fuck Storrow Drive. Fuck the Red Sox. Take your little Red Sox hat, wedge the brim up nice and tight, and shove right up your ass. Fuck the Big Dig. No one else cares how long it took, you whiny bitches. Fuck Matt Damon. Fuck Dennis Leary. Fuck Logan. Fuck you people bitching about Logan.

In fact, fuck all the little town in Massachusetts that no one cares about. Oh, you're from Natick? Well, fuck Natick. Fuck Winchest-ah. Fuck Reve-ah. Fuck Scituate. Fuck them all. Fuck your old colonial houses. Fuck your foliage. Fuck your lobster. And fuck all the surrounding states. Fuck Vermont. All you assholes make is syrup. Fuck Maine. Fuck LL Bean AND Poland Spring. Fuck Connecticut, because while you have lovely rural areas, your cities are crime-infested shit stains on the face of the Earth. Fuck Rhode Island. Fuck Brown. Fuck people from Newport who like to sail. I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence. Fuck New Hampshire. Live free or die? I'll take the latter for you dipshits.

Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Oh, you like the Manning Face? Is that the face I make when I fuck your team like a convict fresh outta prison? Hope you liked it. And fuck you, Boomer Esiason. Guess who's not his generation's Dan Marino anymore? Know who my generation's Boomer Esiason is? Jake fucking Delhomme. So go get fucked.

And fuck American Express (MasterCard fucking rules.)

Oh, and fuck you, blogosphere. What, you think I'd forget about you? Fuck Deadspin. And fuck you too, Kissing Suzy Kolber. Oh, you think you're exempt? Think you're just making funny little dick jokes? Take your dick jokes, go into a corner, and stick them up your urethra. Fuck you, Big Daddy Drew, you big masturbating motherfucker. Fuck you, Captain Caveman, nee Matt Ufford. You say you have sex with all the ladies, but I know damn well you have more beards than a playoff hockey team. Fuck you, Monday Morning Punter. You're from fucking OHIO. Fuck you, Unsilent Majority. Nice screen name, douchebag. Unsilent isn't even a word.

Fuck you Falco, even if you're dead. Fuck you, Ape. Nice MS Paint skills, you fucking kindergartener. And fuck you, flubby. I hated that Robin Williams movie about you. You fucking suck.

Again, fuck you all. I know all of you said I was a choker. Well, guess what you can all choke on? My enormous cock. That's right. It's true. We all know any guy with a goofy face is hung like a goddamn Genoa salami. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna open up my fly and drag mine around the room for a bit. Because all of you can kiss my enormous white pasty ass. I fucking won, and you fucking didn't. It's a new era, bitches. You get to deal with Bitter Peyton now. Hope you like the taste of my balls, douchebags. Because you'll be sucking on them for a while.

I'm gonna go have a beer and bang my hotass wife. I fully expect you to be fucking yourself when I get back.

61 comments:

doug_plank said...

Easy Peyton.

Be happy, you might get some endorsement deals now that you are in the Super Bowl.

PPP said...

Does he know that he still hasn't won a Super Bowl?

Becky said...

I will never eat salami again. Thinking about an overgrown Elmer Fudd packing is just too gross.

Chris said...

Fuck Connecticut, because while you have lovely rural areas, your cities are crime-infested shit stains on the face of the Earth.

I second that.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I'm totally down to fuck Boston and/or any Masshole. Fuckin' Fagz.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!"

killawatt said...

Absolutely hilarious! Payback is a beee-YITCH!

Anonymous said...

BeeeYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Larry Bird Flu said...

And fuck you Kenny Chesney. My balls are too big for your little mouth now. I'm moving up to Brooks & Dunn now, bitch. One ball for each. That's how I roll, fucker.

Clint said...

Peytons wife is NOT hot. I promise.

Can someone tell me how he got the nickname Fetus head?

Ushie said...

I wonder what a conversation between the Sex Cannon and Bitter Peyton would be like.

I'm sure it would be sponge-worthy.

Unsilent Majority said...

clint- it's kind of a long rambling story that takes a long time to truly understand...HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE A FETUS.

mrmom61 said...

Well said Drew. Go Blue.

Beantown said...

UM - funny.

4giantsfans said...

Clint, I hope your are being facetious. If not, just look at Manning's head without any headgear and look at the picture of a fetus. You'll see.

PUBoiler78 said...

Not enough cursing.

SteveJeltzFan said...

Lay off Natick, that's where Twinkies are made.

The rest is dead on, though.

highonLowe said...

I suspect Peyton sobbed after this tirade. He seems like the type of guy that cries after a fist-fight.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Quote from Peter King:

"I bet there's been 10 times since he's been in the league when I've had a conversation with him (Peyton) that was supposed to last 10 or 15 minutes, and it lasts 45 or 60; and he doesn't want to end it but has to or we'd be there all day"

I'm sure he's only "talking" with Peyton and not giving him the slobbery knob action with a reach around for 45-60 minutes.

Head Chick said...

Have you not even considered the deliciously ironic possibility that the "best" qb could lose to the WORST qb, Sexy Rexy? Oh the shame, the shame... At least he had some dignity before.

dusty said...

Parcells just quit..perhaps he is going to hang w/Peyton for the next two weeks? Peyton seems like Parcells kinda bitch, in a give it to me hard big guy kinda way.

moe "simon metz" berg said...

that's denis leary.

as is penis.

Awful Chief said...

Charles Woodson is still better than you.

BillParcellsMidsection said...

I love how it's like Peyton won the Super Bowl, but he didn't

Go fetus head, as much as I enjoy watching Rexy sling cum everywhere, get it done.

Enrico said...

I'm not a ski instructor, nor a masshole, but i did spend four years of my life hearing people say how wicked hahdcoah shit was 37 times per day.

Watching Tom Brady crumble was like eating at Anna's Taqueria after a long day of boozing: fucking awesome.

4giantsfans said...

Speaking of Massholes...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070122

Mike said...

Question of the Day: Has Peyton filmed a commercial yet that'll air during the Super Bowl?

Or will he wait til tomorrow to start filming?

The Dude said...

Fuck me that was brilliant!

And fuck Tom Brady.

Mike said...

And the other question, which story gets the most hype?

1. Peyton's monkey
2. Peyton is a junky.
3. Peyton vs. Rexy.
4. Black head coaches.

I think 4 is gonna give 1 a run for its money.

doug_plank said...

4giantsfans-

Another great read by SG. Last week who can see how the Chargers gave the game to the Patriots.

But this week he was able to see how the Patriots gave the game to the Colts.

third and four should be on his grave stone.

4giantsfans said...

"third and four should be on his grave stone."

Hope much much later so we can continue to be "inspired" by his "brilliant" writing and Drew can continue to tell him to "eat a big fat dick."

DMtShooter said...

I'm disappointed. Why didn't Peyton call out the people all of the people in the mainstream media who doubted him after the Ravens and Colts games? Oh, that's right... because they're weren't any.

Reche Caldwell's eyes should be on SG's gravestone. Make that two stones.

Bulger in My Pants said...

On the phone, my father was even more distraught, bringing up the offensive pass interference call on Brown – leading 21-3 and driving for another score, when they whistled Brown for the same exact pick play that New Orleans used to spring Reggie Bush for an 86-yard TD earlier in the day (you know, the same pick play that every team uses and never, ever, EVER gets called)

Oh, Bill Simmons. I didn't think it was possible for you to be a bigger douchebag, and then you go and top yourself. GO. TO. HELL. A hell with the clip of Tom Brady getting picked off during the last drive of the game playing for all eternity. Ass.

Chamomiles Davis said...

P.S. And fuck your couch, n---as!

Pity Da Fool said...

This rant, courtesy Peyton Manning, is eerily similar to a song back in the day by the Insane Clown Posse. It's name? "F--- the World." I know, shocker, right?

Either way, I did appreciate this to some extent, and I'm a Patriots fan FROM massachusetts. Good show by Drew, as always.

RadioSilence said...

Fuck you, Bill Simmons. Oh, you like the Manning Face? Is that the face I make when I fuck your team like a convict fresh outta prison?

Ah. Brilliant :)

Rob I said...

Fuck you, Fitzy.

Clint said...

Just wait till Rexy covers all of South Beach in cum the next two weeks. Can you imagine media day? I hope Rachel Nichols isn't out and about trying to catch a glimpse of the boy wonder known as "Gross-Man". He'll leave that bitch with Cinnabon sauce all over her pretty little catholic blouse, FIYAH!

Clint said...

his head, does look like a fetus, with smallish ears.

CJ said...

Fuck people from Newport who like to sail. I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence.

Sick and wrong.

I wholly endorse that writing!

Jackin'4Beats said...

He'll leave that bitch with Cinnabon sauce all over her pretty little catholic blouse.

HAHAHA

MORE FIYAH, MORE FIYAH.

I miss Star and Bucwild.

Koos said...

Fuck Rhode Island . . . I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence.

Ouch. As someone who saw the footage of that night (there was a camera in the bar when the fire started, natch), I think that this may have been "too soon" for a Station Fire joke. Then again, like I said, I'm pretty close to it - the criminal trial ended at the end of September and people around here still get all up in arms about it. And maybe the tragic death of 100 people is funny in certain circumstances to some people. I dunno.

I don't want to be a douche, though. So in response, I will only say this: fuck you right back, Peyton Manning's-persona, for making a lame ass attempt at mocking the good people of Rhode Island, many of whom are Giants fans anyway (same goes for Connecticut, I suppose, although their cities are shit-stains - I'm looking at you, Hartford!). Next time, make fun of our horrible driving, our disgusting accent, our inept local government's close ties to the mafia, our woeful public education, or our rampant hard-drug use. There's plenty of fodder there, without digging into the well of recent tragedy.

I mean, hell. Family Guy does it once a week,
{ k }

BigRicks said...

There's just one thing Peyton, Do you have to use so many cuss words?

BigRicks said...

"I hope you die in a Great White Fire" has been a joke amongst my friends for a couple years now.

The only reason Bridgeport, New Haven and Hartford are considered cities is because of the percentage of minorities. Isn't that a pre-requisite for being referred to as a city in Connecticut?

Holly said...

What, no Affleck?

Seriously...outstanding.

Chris said...

I hope Great White plays a stadium concert in Providence.

I have never felt so guilty for laughing so hard in my life.

for making a lame ass attempt at mocking the good people of Rhode Island, many of whom are Giants fans anyway

Koos, no offense, but what alternate reality do you live in? I grew up in Rhode Island, and never met a self-respecting native-born Rhode Islander who was a Giants fan in my life.

Echobrain said...

Know who my generation's Boomer Esiason is? Jake fucking Delhomme. So go get fucked.

That made me pee a little.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Drew, this was fucking brilliant.

michael said...

Have you not even considered the deliciously ironic possibility that the "best" qb could lose to the WORST qb, Sexy Rexy? Oh the shame, the shame... At least he had some dignity before.

and didn't Grossman play for Florida? Anyone remember Manning's record against the Gators?

The Bears will win, and Manning will have to console himself with his old Citrus Bowl rings.

Josette said...

And fuck American Express (MasterCard fucking rules.)

Way to get the endorsement plug in!

bleedjetgreen said...

BDD, I was getting flashbacks to Ed Norton's speech in the 25th hour. Intentional or not, it was great stuff my man, as always. Great stuff...

josh said...

lay off New Haven, yo. bad enough we finally imploded our Coliseum TWO YEARS! after it was announced because we didn't have the funds. plus, it's the birthplace of the hamburger, the American pizza, and the forward pass. you can look it up.

josh said...

(Bridgeport, on the other hand, is the crack capital of Connecticut and can be made fun of ad nauseum. Mmm...crack capital of Connecticut...doesn't it have a nice sharp consonant ring?)

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Seeing Tom Brady on his ass on the turf of the RCA Dome pouting as the Colts celebrated almost literally brought a tear to my eye.

I imagine Kenny Chesney is having a hard time sitting down today, because Peyton was all fired up last night.

Koos said...

Chris,
I just moved from Boston to little ol' Rhode Island (famous for YOU!) just over a year ago. And although I work in the legal profession, I feel I have nevertheless met a fair number of typical RI natives. Yes, many of them are Red Sox/Pats fans, but I probably run into just as many Yanks/Giants fans.* Case in point: a co-worker of mine is a die hard Pats fan, but the rest of his (pertinent) family members are all Giants fans.

{ k }

* I will, however, admit that a number of factors could be skewing my sampling. For instance, I moved here from Boston (not my original hometown, FYI), where it is sacrilege to like any team from NY in any sport. So perhaps I take more notice of NY fandom of any stripe. Or, as you postulate that NY fans are the minority in this area (a possibility I will not discount), it may be that those particular fans are more vocal in their interests, and thus more noticeable. Finally, it should be noted that I never claimed that this offhand comment regarding the general state of fandom in Rhode Island was based on any kind of formal polling. It was simply a statement of personal opinion based entirely on my subjective and anecdotal experience in this state. I assumed I didn't need to make this disclaimer, but apparently, I was wrong.

Walklett said...

You seem really boring koos.

Chris said...

Koos,

Interesting observation... but SI's state-by-state polling in 2005 will tell you otherwise:

The majority of Rhode Islanders (>60%) are Red Sox and Pats fans. The Giants aren't even the second most popular NFL team: the Dolphins are. I can attest to that, as I knew several 'Fins fans back home, but not a single Giants fan.

Koos said...

Walklett: I assure you that I am, indeed, boring. I'll try not to bother you again, kind sir, so as to avoid any more of your nasty linguistic burrs.

Chris: Fair enough. Though, to be honest, I don't really care what NFL team people around here actually like. Do you? I dislike, to varying degrees, all three teams you've mentioned in your post (I can't even be concerned enough to follow your SI link, honestly, and I reserve my homerism for the Stillers). But at least you have conclusively cleared up the (undisputed) fact that I was speaking subjectively. I must, as you originally stated, be living in a warped reality.

Go Stillers,
{ k }

rtremb0302 said...

Payton is a classy Broad.
Just because Eli got more hugs from mommy is no reason to be so bitchy. Get over yourself, you've got too many commercials to shoot to waste your time on negative energy.

Love,
New England

Peton Manning's #1 fan said...

David
Im a fan of Peyton Manning. He could kick any other qb's ass. So shut the fuck up about him
got that

Peton Manning's #1 fan said...

He won the supper bowl dumbass