Wednesday, January 17, 2007

ESPN NFL Analysts: 1,000 Monkeys With 1,000 Typewriters

And truly, these were the blurst of times in Bristol. Just take a look at their expert's picks from the weekend that was...

That's gotta hurt! Hey ESPN, how does it feel to pay these guys to go 14-18 picking playoff games straight up? Well I guess it can't be much worse than paying George Solomon to tell you where you're fucking up only to ignore his most relevant observations. I don't know who looks worse, the guys making the picks or the guy paying them to keep up with an unproven third-party software like Accuscore (I personally prefer Blackuscore... Who wants this dog?!). If they had true pride in their work they'd be reaching for the tantō about now.

Of course there's more to the job besides picking the winners; you should also be a meathead and/or douchebag who enjoys racquetball and sodomy (of course a couple of exceptions apply). Still, these guys have access to all the resources afforded to the WWL and they do this shit on a full-time basis. I'm just a dumbfuck doing this for fun and I'm 7-1 through two weeks picking with the spread. Why don't you guys hire the Sports Guy's wife? Even she's 6-2 and that whacky broad married Bill Simmons! Anybody could do this job...

Smiling Hoge: More annoying than ESPN 360

Last week's effort made Joe Lunardi and Mel Kiper (no, no "jr." for you anymore, I'm done with that shit) look like the Oracle at Delphi with Biff's sports almanac. More surprising than any of their low numbers is the high one, Merril Fucking Hoge. The simplest bastard of the bunch (that didn't break into the business via cable robo-porn) and he's putting all of the brains to shame. What the fuck is up with that, Mort and Jaws? Are you really going let this addle-minded Idahoan make you his bitches? He still thinks Kellen Clemens should have won Rookie of the Year!

Serious Hoge: Less useful than ESPN Mobile

If four of them can't nail both of Sunday's games they should be stripped naked and left for dead inside the Bristol Zoo's habitat for rare killer rape monkeys. Berman breeds 'em--don't ask.

27 comments:

d said...

I think it's high time the Diet Pepsi machine and the Accuscore machine are given their own show.

becky said...

UM, you are a smug, unhappy little man, and you treat people as if they were idiots.
That said, you raise a good point.
Sweet trick w/ the font too, illustrating your not-so-slow descent into madness.

Unsilent Majority said...

people are idiots

Mike said...

people are idiots

Preach on, brother.

Meanwhile, how the fuck did only one of those maroons pick the Pats over a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team???

I think Golic picked The Steelers in that game (or maybe the LA Clippers), so I'll give him a pass, but the rest?

becky said...

Oh yeah. I forgot.

SteveJeltzFan said...

So the two top predictors at ESPN are a guy who was concussed out of the NFL and a woman who has willingly touched the Sports Guy's cock?

That's soms sad shit.

peytonloveskenny said...

The "expert" with the best record during the regular season got 161 games right. I got that many right in the Deadspin pool and I picked the Steelers to win every game. Morons.

The Last Unitard said...

I'm gonna have to go with Ditka over the Killer Rape Monkeys 74-3.

Chris said...

Hoge creeps me out, he reminds me of t1000.


http://www.zenconsulting.net/jasonkehr/images/T1000.jpg

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I hate you Hoge. I hate you so bad.

the chief said...

ESPWN3D

doug_plank said...

Where is the concussed Hoge picture?

feep said...

On the upside, there is no picture of Lil' Sean and his picks.

The Last Unitard said...

The smiling one is the concussed one.

J.L. White said...

Can these pusstards, at some point, just admit that for all the "insider knowledge" they think they possess, that picking NFL teams to win in the playoffs is more luck than anything else? Really, there is no team or teams out there that are measurably better than another, which is why the largest margin of victory last weekend was 9 points (by the underdog Colts, at that).

These guys want to make it seem like it's a game of chess, when in reality it's more like blackjack.

Unsilent Majority said...

Well played Chief

Unsilent Majority said...

it's more like blackjack.

and these assholes are splitting tens and drinking heartattacks

swing4 said...

Dammit, UM, I saw the font job and momentarily rejoiced that it was already Friday. Don't toy with me like that.

Grimey said...

So which one of you guys snuck into Merrill Hoge's old frat house to get those pics?

Grimey said...

Oh, and has somebody actually published a copy of Gray's Sports Almanac yet?

J.L. White said...

Sean Salisbury is such a dead ringer for Biff that it is actually making me ill right now. He's a jock, he's from California (I suppose) and he's a total fucktard. If life imitates art, could the old Sean go back in time someday, and tell the young Sean to not be such an idiotic douche?

Beantown said...

Did Hoge have a fucking racoon crawl up on his head and die? I'm surprised hanging with a bunch of ex-jocks that nobody is ripping him daily. Anyway, I digress....

But you all got your wish, my work has blocked your site! Sooo no more daily ball-washing of Brady to get all your angst up. I thought I was doing you all a favor so you could release your stress towards one common goal, you know like being part of gang rape in prison.

8hrdrive said...

Has has Hoge given up on his lynch Vince Young campaign?
All Young ever did was prove everything Hoge every said about him wrong.
Some of his comments were very nasty. I'm surprised he wasn't canned for some of that shit. Jaws would sit next to him and act as if he just sat through one of Michael Richards standup routines.

Signal to Noise said...

8hrdrive - VY didn't make the playoffs; so I'm sure the smug fuck thinks he's been vindicated.

"Table for one! I presume you would enjoy our special tonight, Mr. Hoge? It is the finest filet of crow."

Unsilent Majority said...

holy shit, somehow that a lot of that ending got all fucked up. i re-wrote what i remembered but I'm kinda tired.

John Hodgman's return The Daily Show = Reason to Live

boredinpittsburgh said...

Hodge is a former white pro athlete who played a skill position, he has to be smart, HE'S WHITE!

Mike said...

Hodge is a former white pro athlete who played a skill position, he has to be smart, HE'S WHITE!

Either that or he has the photos of Chris Berman & Tom Jackson from their vacation in Key West last year.