Friday, January 26, 2007

NFC Championship Chat: 2nd Half

And now for the anticlimactic finish to our NFC Championship Chat. If you missed it, you can read Part One here.

Christmas Ape: Jean Grey is meowing at the falling snow. Cats are almost as dumb as Rex Grossman.
Captain Caveman: They're better at feeling a blindside rush.

Also more likely to survive in traffic than Grossman

***flubby has entered the room.***
CC: Where'd ya go flub?
flub: Carrying in baby shower gifts from the car.
CC: Your life sucks.
flub: I can look at them now while it is halftime.
Monday Morning Punter: Chris Meyers + hat =
Ape: The chimney sweep look.
CC: It's a good look for him. "Shine ya shoes, guvnah?"
MMP: Hey, and snow. Now some tits and we're good.
CC: Is Joe Buck wearing a turtleneck?
MMP: Yeah, and he was wearing a tie pre-game.
MMP: What a fag.
[The second half begins with Grossman completing a pass to Berrian for 17 yards, then overthrowing a bomb down the sideline.]
CC: Grossman opening the second half with a monstrous erection.
MMP: That was the "yeah, we're still gonna throw" facade.

***flubby has left the room.***
MMP: Baby gifts beckon.
[3rd and 8: Grossman overthrow. Bears punt. Commercial.]
CC: I fucking hate you, Wendy's.
MMP: I would punch that gentleman in his nose.
CC: EAT THE WHOLE TINY CHEESEBURGER!
CC: And who eats fast food in the library?
MMP: That whole meal is like 3/4 of a bite.
[With the Saints backed up at their 12, Reggie Bush makes a catch, and...]

Ape: Goodnight.
MMP: No.
MMP: Fucking.
MMP: Way.
CC: Holy shit.
MMP: Don't dance, ass.
CC: Me want watch again.
MMP: He had to do a stupid dance.
MMP: And the taunt and the flip?
CC: Yeah, I hate the taunt.
MMP: Dude made an AWESOME run, why does he have to do that shit?
CC: That's a disgusting act and I want Joe Buck to pass judgment on it.
MMP: Joe liked the flip.
MMP: I'm not super pissed about it.
MMP: I just don't get it.
MMP: I'm gonna shut up.
CC: Good idea.

[After the ensuing kickoff, Thomas Jones gets tackled by Will Smith for a 2-yard loss.]
CC: That thing we're feeling? It's the momentum changing.
Ape: Will Smith doesn't get a "Going to Miami" song montage? Fox is terrible.
CC: That tackle was FRESH.


CC: Nice backfield Pursuit of Happyness.
MMP: My dad HATES Will Smith.
MMP: Parents just don't understand.

[Saints ball. They begin driving with the secret weapon of fullback Mike Karney]
CC: Small hands, smells like cabbage.
MMP: Karney PWNS the Bears' D right now.
Flub: WTF is wrong with the Bears' D?
MMP: They're going underneath.
CC: Bears D is OK, it's the Saints O that had adjusted.
MMP: Yep.
[Just as quickly, the drive stalls on the edge of FG territory.]
CC: Grossmanesque overthrow there.
CC: Nice throw "Rex."
MMP: Cundiff will attempt the 47-yarder...
CC: miss
flub: no way
MMP: miss
[Cundiff misses short and right.]
CC: That was like the Oceans 11 scene: "Ten bucks says he shorts it."
MMP: That hurts.
CC: Saints have still got momentum... but momentum and the lead would be nicer.

MMP: Bears need a big drive here.
[FOX shows Grossman's stats so far...]
MMP: Rexy 4/17.
CC: Niiiice.
[Not surprisingly, the Bears punt. Sean Maynard drops a 51-yarder out of bounds at the 5.]
MMP: Maynard!
Ape: MVP for Bears? Maynard or Gould?
CC: Somebody who kicks the ball.
MMP: Maynard punts more accurately than Grossman throws it.

CC: That commercial was HOTT.
flub: Playing hoops in an airplane hanger, I don't get it.
CC: Neither do I, but it made me want to read some NBA blogs.

[Brees intentional grounding in the end zone: safety, 18-14, Bears]
MMP: MO
MMP: mentum
CC: BREES BLOWS.
MMP: Walk like an Egyptian.
CC: Credit Maynard with one of those two points
CC: And why didn't the Saints even TRY to run there?
Ape: well, my final score prediction for this game was 17-14 Bears, so long as no one scores again, I was close.
MMP: Here comes the snow!!!!!!
[Note: at this time, commenter "R" said, "That's not snow...it's frozen load." Nice work.]

[A Maynard 66 yd punt barely goes into end zone]
CC: Maynard out of magic there.
MMP: AAWWWWWWW Maynard!!!!
MMP: More backspin on that one next time. Shoulda hit the lob wedge.
CC: That dude's really good.
MMP: He's a motherfucking SNIPER!
[Bears ball again after a Saints punt. Grossman begins his 4-for-4 touchdown drive...]
MMP: Grossman completion # 5.
CC: What is that, 5 for 20 now?
MMP: I'm still rooting for Sex Cannon vs. Laser Rocket Arm SB.
CC: Orton's wasted.
[end of third quarter]

[More completions from Rextasy...]
MMP: Rex just woke up.
CC: Settle down, we still haven't seen a Grossman INT yet.
Ape: Aikman is trying to jinx Rex into a pick.

MMP: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
CC: No WAY.
flub: Oof.
MMP: Get the fuck out!
CC: B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
MMP: I just spilled my shitty soda all over the floor.
CC: New Orleans Saints, you've been cannonized.
MMP: Payton is displeased.
CC: Fred Thomas looked like Dave Thomas on that coverage.
flub: Wendy's Dave Thomas of SCTV Dave Thomas?
Ape: "The snow isn't the only white stuff in your face."
MMP: He severely underthrew him, but Rex celebrates anyway.

[The Bears DE with the long name sacks and strips Brees. We trade some boring banter. During the review, FOX goes to commercial...]


MMP: Mischa Barton looks terrible these days.
[Back from commercial, and...]
MMP: Somebody tell that robot he's never gonna play.
CC: But he's loose, he's ready to get in the game.
[The ref is adamant in his judgment to back up Chicago on the fumble]
MMP: "Clearly."
Ape: Recovered CLEARLY... Snooty bastard.
flub: Which one of the KSK geniuses predicted Bears 24 Saints 13?
MMP: That was you, flub.
CC: Game ain't over yet Nostradamus.
CC: The Saints still have time to blow the Bears out and make me correct.

[Benson scores from 12 yards out. Bears, 32-14, 11:30 to play.]
MMP: Game over.
CC: Game over.
flub: Whoopass.
[Two plays later, Brees gets intercepted.]
Ape: OK, it's extra over now.
CC: The Saints should just walk off the field and commit seppuku in the locker room.
MMP: Habitat for Humanity took the 1-1/2.
MMP: Suckers.
Ape: It's tequila time so I can get in angry mood for AFC title game.
MMP: I don't see Reggie dancing now.

MMP: Ghost Rider?
CC: Eh.
MMP: Me too.
flub: That has to suck.
CC: Yes Eva Mendes, no Nic Cage.
MMP: Cage doesn't do it for me.
CC: He sucks four out of five movies, then gives you a Leaving Las Vegas or Adaptation.
flub: Raising Arizona.
CC: He's the Plaxico Burress of actors.
Ape: I interviewed Cage, Spike Jonze, and Charlie Kaufman for Adaptation for my college paper. Nic Cage just sat there for 20 minutes. They all signed the press kit though. Should probably sell that on the eBays.

[More sideline shots mean the action on the field is less important.]
Ape: Nice chap stick on Mike Brown.
flub: Mike Brown is killing that lip balm.
flub: He used at least half the tube.
Ape: Got herpes from the Sex Cannon.
flub: "Rex looks randy, better slather on another coat."

[Thomas Jones scores from 15 yards. 39-14, Bears.]
MMP: Thomas Jones reversing field to humiliate the Saints even further.
CC: Announcers giving the N.O. requiem
MMP: Lovie Smith doesn't care about....whatever
flub: Somebody call FEMA.
CC: Nobody could have predicted the white linebackers wouldn't hold up.
MMP: Nobody outside of this chat, that is.
flub: No shit, this ain't the Big 10.

CC: Who predicted a 38-13 score?
CC: Oh yeah, I've still got it.
[FOX cuts to Bears owner Virginia McCaskey.]
flub: Is she wearing a bear?
CC: I'd hit it.
MMP: With a shovel, perhaps.

[And finally, the the people of New Orleans's suffering comes to a close...]
flub: The Fridge is waiting by the phone -- he'll be cashing in on the nostalgia.
CC: "We have to give credit to Rex Grossman" -- Troy Aikman
MMP: I respectfully disagree.
MMP: It will be an adjustment for me as a viewer, going back to a domed stadium.
MMP: And taking off the 5/8 cleats.

FINAL: BEARS 39, SAINTS 14

Coming this weekend: the long-anticipated AFC Chat. Stick around. We know you don't have football to watch.

9 comments:

Clint said...

I got first dibs on this pussy

highonLowe said...

I just now got the 'walk like an egyptian'

HofC said...

And this is different from Simmons just doing a chat instead of a column how?

ducks

I keed, I keed

peter king crowned my ass said...

Mischa Barton. Nice elephant ass, too.

McFad said...

I've been holler since Will Smith was at The Ohio State University that his sack dance should be the 'Getting Jiggy Wit it' dance.

flubby said...

And this is different from Simmons just doing a chat instead of a column how?



For one, we don't charge a membership fee to read onanistic chat transcripts that are over a month old. Not yet anyway ;)

the dude said...

I didn't know Betty White owned the Bears.

Janet said...

It's Brad Maynard, not Sean Maynard.

Bulger in My Pants said...

WHY OH WHY IS THE ELEPHANT IN THOSE DLP COMMERCIALS?