Thursday, January 4, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Colts vs. Chiefs


It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the playoff matchups. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Colts-Chiefs game:

"The key to this game is coaching. Take Tony Dungy for example, he's a guy who knows a little something about the playoffs...'That's how our league is set up, and that's how you win championships -- by winning in the playoffs.' That's the kind of outside-the-box thinking that just doesn't show up on a resume... What separates Larry Johnson from the rest of the league's running backs is his powerful ass and Dungy knows it. 'He's [got] a great back[side]. We'll have our hands full.' Everybody around the league has been gushing over LJ's matchup against the Colts, well I don't buy it. It's Herm Edwards' time to shine, so when you see a glare on your television remember, it's probably just the lights reflecting off of his glowing cheeks.

Us NFL insiders know a little secret that the common fan would never think of, it's all about the names--so keep an eye on the Chiefs Rudy Niswanger. He doesn't really play but his jersey makes all the other players giggle... The game could come down to a bucket of fried chicken, you see the Colts are undefeated when Bob Sanders dines on the Colonel's finest before taking the field. Apparently the Colonel had a little something in common with Tony Romo's great great great grandmother... Dominic Rhodes pronounces his name "Dominique" which is fucking bullshit, if your parents botch the birth certificate it's too fucking bad (isn't that right Dwyane?)... I don't trust Ty Law or anybody else with a five letter name.

Kyle Turley is the first guy to ever play in the NFL with Down Syndrome, truly inspirational... Injuries could be a bit of an issue, I'm hearing whispers that Priest Holmes may not be healthy enough to play--what a fuckin' pussy... Tamba Hali is from Liberia, a country with far less liberty than their name would indicate--very sneaky Liberian Tourism Association... If you think the scout up there looks creepy you should see Peyton Manning in a room full of lustful women...awk-ward.

I like the Colts by by a dozen."

Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Ditka!

31 comments:

The Last Unitard said...

Good Christ.. is that guy a charter member of NAMBLA?

OkieRover said...

Um...Colts by 12?
I think it'll be Chiefs by a field goal.

4giantsfans said...

with a gay Caribbean accent: "be brave ,be proud to be a boy lover." (Yes I've heard on Stern enough times to know this).

SteveJeltzFan said...

Hey, Order of the Arrow and a Jamboree patch, that guy's...nevermind, I said none of this.

good analysis, UM.

Unsilent Majority said...

I think it'll be Chiefs by a field goal.

I don't recall asking your opinion

Chris said...

i just love it when quarterbacks with laser rocket arms choke in the playoffs.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Watching Peyton Manning walk off the field after a loss never gets old. His big ol' head about to fall of his neck because he's staring at the ground so hard. I can't help but laugh evertime.

Oh yeah and his punk ass knocked my #1 seeded team out of the playoffs in the first round so he needs to burn in eternal hellfire as far as I'm concerned.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Wait, what just happened?? Good analysis, but Chiefs by a TD.

BURN, BURN, BURN

Palm Dry Gum On said...

I gotta agree with UM here.

The Chiefs suck on the road, they're from the crappy part of the MidWest, and their QB played football at Indiana University

This KC team is the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever did suck.

freetz said...

Actually, blame Dwyane's Grnadma and Grnadpa. He's actually Dwyane Jr.

Unsilent Majority said...

Don't give me the credit, it was our special analyst!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Right. Thanks to the NAMBLA Scout Master.

BURN, BURN, BURN

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Special Analyst/UM - whatever.

Matt said...

I know gum isn't about to say that those shitholes Saint Louis or Chicago are the gems of the midwest...

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Hey, I grew up in the midwest and I like both Chicago and St. Louis. Gems of the Midwest? As much of a gem you can find in the midwest. Sure, why not. What else you got - Indy?

J.L. White said...

The only "gems" in the Midwest are the ones inside Rex Grossman's sack. And without them, he would not be able to ejaculate touchdowns (or, more often than not, back-breaking interceptions).

Not that anyone asked, nor do I give a flying fuck if they did or not, but the Chiefs will under-choke this game, and win.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Doesn't under-choke have something to do with tickling the taint?

bankmeister said...

um, that post was a fraction of a fraction of the funny that usually winds up on this blog. there's so much hilarious material you could tinker with in terms of herm, tony or anyone on their teams or the history of either one in its entirety. unfortuneately, like peyton in the post-season, you missed the bus.

The Last Unitard said...

Don't feel bad, UM. That fraction of a fraction is actually 13/16 of 53/64. Not that bad, really.

Captain Caveman said...

The only "gems" in the Midwest are the ones inside Rex Grossman's sack. And without them, he would not be able to ejaculate touchdowns

Wow, go commenters. +1 to JL White and the Last Unitard.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Remember--it is not officially the playoffs until Peyton Manning chokes. This is a universal truth that cannot be denied.

becky said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhh SCOUT.
I just got that.

twoeightnine said...

Which one is Dungy and which one is Edwards again?

Unsilent Majority said...

you missed the bus

I was busy fucking your wife.

Signal to Noise said...

Only Peyton Manning can make me root for the goddamn Chiefs.

It'll be so nice to see both him and Eli with those stupid looks on their faces when they both get rumphed this weekend.

Unsilent Majority said...

we can only pray

8hrdrive said...

Chiefs will lose. Dammit, take it from someone who knows. We are cursed losers. How many fucking previous playoff appearance let downs do I have to reference. Last superbowl appearance was in the 70's.

Colts by a field goal, ironically.

bankmeister said...

um -- nice generic comeback. seeing as how i'm not married, how 'bout you dig down in that sac of unoriginality and try again? huh? you can't dig because your hands are tied up stroking chesney and sheeli? oh, well that's okay... effin douche...

TheBigO said...

Bankmeister doesn't care about Jewish people.

Unsilent Majority said...

nice generic comeback. seeing as how i'm not married

Fine then, fuck your mother.

they're generic for a reason...i don't really care.

fallex said...

With a a name like bankmeister, you think he'd be all about some hebe-love.