Saturday, January 13, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Seahawks @ Bears

Seahawks made it to Chicago only because the Cowboys schruted last week's game.

The football illuminati tell us that if the Bears are to succeed, Rex Grossman must return to the form he exhibited earlier this season. If he doesn't, the perception is that the Bears will lose or, in the alternative, turn to Brian Griese and then lose. However, more likely to me is a third option: Grossman will continue to exhibit shaky play and the Bears, as they have all season, will find a way to win in spite of the Cannon's misfiring. Grossman's spotty play may yet prove to be the undoing of the Bears, but it won't be this week. I can't shake the feeling that regardless of who wins this game it will be a total debacle. You know what? I'm cool with this.

Throughout the course of the season, and even into the playoffs, some dog-ass performances get turned in. For all the lip-service given by players and coaches to "taking it to the next level" in the playoffs, there are an ample number of teams who keep on making the same mistakes they made all season (or in Terry Glenn's case, inventing new ways to lose games). Last week, the Chiefs (aka the NFL's Die Cast Dude) were simply horrid and devoid of anything resembling fundamentally sound offense. The Colts were never in danger of losing and it was generally a shitty football game. But did I turn off the television and do something productive with my time? Hell 2 da naw.

In the event of a Bears victory, women of child-bearing age are advised to maintain a safe distance from the Sex Cannon... perhaps say, Rockford.

Not every game can be a Steve-Sabol-boner-inducing NFL Films classic. Sometimes the NFL, especially when you have no rooting or wagering interest, is worthwhile solely because it is 3 1/2 hours to unplug yourself from reality. These are the playoffs, fool. Pretty soon it will be mid-February and the games will be over and all you will catching yourself saying something gay like "when do pitcher and catchers report?" The last few games of the season are quickly passing us by. Each one, no matter how dull and inartful, must be savored. We must treasure each and every game, even the shitty ones. We must clench even these unaesthetic affronts to the very dignity of the Game to our bosoms. We must savor every dropped pass and Joe Buck hyperbole while we still can. We must devour the carcasses of these games and suck the marrow from their bones. Let us live this next fortnight like it were our last. You shall eat the last hot wing. You shall have another beer. And another. Hit on that chick even though she is wearing an Eagles jersey and is way out of your league. Do not allow this season to go gentle into that good night. Let's get ready for some shitty football!!!

Buzzkill moment: we may be about ten days away from 'Super Bowl Shuffle 2007'.


Monday Morning Punter said...

We are the Bears
We know we're good
Sumptin Sumptin
Your neighborhood!

doug_plank said...

"perhaps say, Rockford."

Send them to Wisconsin even Rex wouldn't tap the women of cheddarland.

Matt said...

You're asking me to savor Joe Buck hyperbole... I think that's asking a little too much.

dusty said...

No way Rex's testosterone-filled screwups will allow da Bears to make it to the SB.

No fucking way. But then, if they I bet on them or against them? What are the odds they actually defy logic and win it all?

Its a rhetorical question along the lines of: Are all the Manning Boys gay by nature or because they were raised by Archie?

Undercover Soul Brother said...

What the hell Flub, how come Pats/Chargers get delicious pic and the Bears get scoutmasters who's hobbies include "gumming"?!

You have to feed the Sex Cannon!

J.L. White said...

It sure seems a great amount of people are picking the Bears in this game, Sex Cannon be damned. But why is everyone so confident about a team so flawed? I think they Chicago locals have been very persuasive when arguing for their team:

Reporter: "So, how well do you think Rex Grossman will handle the pressure this week?"

Chicago Fan: "Da Bears!"

Reporter: "Okay, well, can the Bears defensive line get pressure on Matt Hasselbeck, without Tommie Harris playing?"

Chicago Fan: "Ditka."

Reporter: "Well, Lovie Smith has yet to win a playoff game. Can he stay a step ahead of Holmgren's offensive gameplan?"

Chicago Fan: "Bears. Ditka. Polish Sausage. Bears."

Reporter: "Well, I'm convinced. The Chicago Bears are guarenteed victory this Sunday. Back to you, Stu and Boomer."

Undercover Soul Brother said...

Whitie- We been that way for the last 20 years. We all live in 85 and are truly crapping ourselves not knowing which Sex Cannon is showing.

Signal to Noise said...

I'm with White on this one.

That said, even being from Wisconsin wouldn't protect the ladies from Rextasy if the Bears pull it off. He'd cumsling 'em just to say, "Who's your Favre now, baby?"

Isolate4Cash said...

There truly are so many great matchups this year, you gotta love it!

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doug_plank said...


"Why do you think you the Seahawks will win?"

Seahawk fan-

"Because the officials robbed us last year in the Super Bowl. I mean is it even legal for a receiver to throw a pass?"