Friday, January 5, 2007

'Cuz I'm the E-A-Z-Y-E, and This Is the Season

Enough of the bullshit.
The playoffs are here and it's time for the real motherfuckin' g's to stand up!

"Mangina's a bigger bitch than Dre"

This is when the real gamblers come to party. Even though Vegas has established a pretty good idea of what's going to happen there are so many fucktards out there who aren't aware of our meast infested corner of the internet (you'd think the smell would tip them off). Therefore they are completely ignorant to the truth and their ignorance is bound to tip the line to give you an extra point.

Seriously, people in general are stupid assholes, this is why I try to avoid them altogether (I prefer the company my own inner demons). The good news is that these morons are going to push the line as the week goes on. Just think how many dumbfucks in Jersey are going to put their welfare checks on the Jets? The answer is "all of them".

All that being said, you must remain wary, they call it the Wildcard Round for a reason that has nothing to do with this demonic visage of Jack Nicholson. Shit's gonna get whacky so be careful. Remember, favorites always shit the bed in this round because they refuse to allow us to make money.

If you were on acid this picture would look a lot cooler...I'll wait, but hurry up.

Indianapolis -7 vs. Kansas City
Everybody has been talking about how Larry Johnson is going to run for 300 yards and four touchdowns. Everybody has been saying that Peyton won't win because he never wins big games. WELL YOU'RE WRONG BITCHES! Yeah Larry will get his but Peyton is going to tee off on the Chiefs. I'm not sure how they're going to get back in the game with The Herm calling delayed handoffs on third and eight. As for Peyton...this isn't a big game, he'll still lose next week so don't worry.

Dallas +3 @ Seattle
For some reason Seattle can't manage to cover at home consistently (2-3-1 in their last six). But fuck that, all I care about is the stupid gut feeling I get as soon as I look at the line (Thanks Malcolm Gladwell!). Seattle has sucked all year and you just know they're going to blow it as early as possible, it's just the way shit goes in the NFL. That being said, I hope the Cowboys plane is struck by lighting...twice.

New England -8.5 @ New York Jets
Bill "The Literal Motherfucker" Belichick will get his revenge on the vindictive Mangina (one gave the other the clap, I'm not saying which) and it's going to be sloppy.

New York +7 @ Philly
This game has field goal finale written all over it like the scarlet "A" on a guy that's been married just a bit too long. As pathetic as the GMen are the dogs always come out strong and seven points is too much for Jeff Garcia's polished forehead and well-rumphed posterior.

Bonus Playoff Gambling Opportunity!

Because this is how Pete would have gambled if it was possible.

For each game this weekend Bodog will be offering live gambling. If you're unfamiliar that means that you can bet on individual's just as depressing revolutionary as it sounds. Unfortunately I am not all that familiar with the play-calling habits of the teams involved but that sure as shit isn't gonna stop me from gambling away my pretzel moneys. So whenever KC has the ball on third and long just bet on the inside handoff and you're kids might actually go to college. You can thank me later.


HofC said...

Only twice? I guess it'll do...

Bad Becks said...

Is Bodog able to do payouts? I haven't bet on anything online since that gay f'n bill got passed. Bastards.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

And here come the pretzels!

Grimey said...

You probably shouldn't quote Eazy E. He hasn't said shit.

Ed in Westchester said...

I'm not sure if this is going to please you or not, but Simmons is calling for a Pats win in a walk.

Given his record, I'd take the Jets.

Unsilent Majority said...

Is Bodog able to do payouts?

Ain't nothin' changed.

flubby said...

+1 grimey

anon said...

And perhaps it was the fake wine, but that was the night George Michael and Maeby went to second base.

anon said...

(And although he’d only gotten to second base, he’d gone in head-first, like Pete Rose.)

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, there's obviously only one reason i ran that picture and it had nothing to do with gambling