Tuesday, January 23, 2007

NFC Championship Chat: 1st Half

Hello, readers. Once again members of the KSK Gay Mafia stayed home on Sunday, computers at the ready, to share thoughts with each other during an epic 7-hour chat on AOL Instant Messenger.

Because the final transcript of the two games was 42 pages in MS Word, the chat posts will be broken up over the span of multiple days, which will give me more time to edit out the long swaths of unfunny statements and leave in quality analysis like, "the Saints are very much going to win this game."

If it seems like we ignored certain chunks of the game, it's either because nobody said anything interesting during that span, or because we were bad-mouthing the Asians. Again.

Monday Morning Punter: Are you rooting for the Saints?
Captain Caveman: Yeah -- I'm of the school of thought that you root against the team that put yours out of the playoffs.
MMP: I love that Southwest commercial, it's like a zoo escapes from that guy's house.
CC: Me too. It's the polar opposite of the fucking Wendy's commercial
CC: "$2.99"
MMP: Yeah, where have you gone, Dave Thomas?
MMP: Oh yeah, you died.

Nobody would ever buy a fucking tiny meal for $2.99! Nobody! I don't care if it's hyperbole!

CC: Like if there was such thing as a bite-size burger you'd eat it in tiny bites?
MMP: No, I would devour it while jogging.
CC: Tony Siragusa could literally inhale it and process it with his lungs.
MMP: And I don't like the shitty Wendy's whistle.
CC: I was JUST about to say that.
Christmas Ape: Yeah, it's incredibly grating.
CC: Unless Devin Hester returns three TDS, the Saints are very much going to win this game.
MMP: Yeah, I can't count on Rex to march them down the field.
MMP: The lower the score the more I like da Bears.
Ape: Da Bears...tree tenths of a point, Saints....two-tenths.

[On 3rd and 4, Brees gets sacked and fumbles, setting up 4th and 29]
MMP: Wow
CC: 4th and 60
MMP: Jim Tressel leaves the first team offense on the field.
CC: Needed "Yakety Sax" on that one.
MMP: The net on that punt did not clear the first down marker.
MMP: I thought Rex was the one that was supposed to fuck up.
[Back to commercial]
CC: What does the Rock 'em Sock 'em robot have against the truck anyway? And couldn't it have ducked going out the door?
MMP: He's a Crip. Just ask our resident gang expert Rush Limbaugh.
Ape: When will Dodge Ram take on Hungry Hungry Hippos? Battleship?

[On 2nd and 9, Grossman goes deep to Berrian, where it's nearly picked off.]

MMP: Sexy Rexy dodges bullet no. 1.
CC: Just a laser aimed for Saturn.
MMP: ...And how better to follow that than a Mushin Muhammad drop?
MMP: 3 and out again
CC: It's up to the Bears D to score.

MMP: If you had to live in Chicago or New Orleans, where would you go?
CC: Guhhhhhh... Chicago?
MMP: Me too, I think.
CC: But only because I fucking hate hot, humid summers. I can handle cold weather.
Ape: Hot, humid summer is all I know - curse you D.C. swampland.
MMP: "And God doesn't seem to hate Chicago as much."
Ape: God doesn't hate Chicago as much? Ms. O'Leary's cow would like to have a word with you.

[Colston stripped for another Saints fumble; Vasher returns it to the outskirts of FG territory]
Ape: Good Lord.
CC: Jesus Christ, Saints.
MMP: Colston showing bad hands for a fantasy TE.
CC: Is the shoddy footing forcing all these fumbles?
MMP: Yeah, this is why they don't pick up the puck in hockey.
CC: Too bad the Bears blew their scoring opportunity. Now the offense is on the field.
[End-around by Rashid Davis on 3rd and 3 results in the Bears' first first down -- only took 11 minutes.]
Ape: End-arounds for some, miniature flags for others.
MMP: There was a hold there.
CC: The Saints weakness has been exposed: they start three white linebackers.

MMP: Matt Hasselbeck is sacked by the Burger King.
CC: I don't buy that for a second. Mack Strong is great on blitz pickup.
Ape: King should get flagged for excessive celebration.
[The Bears decide to go for it on 4th and 1 from the 4...]
Ape: End-around, I'm calling it.
MMP: Wow, gutsy call, but they got it.
CC: Gutsy = not intelligent... but yeah, it worked.
MMP: I didn't see that Rexy tried to call timeout again.
[First and goal, and Grossman egregiously overthrows an open Desmond Clark in the end zone]
Ape: Fuck It, I'm Going Deep (at the 1)
MMP: Benson stuffed on 2nd down like a pita pocket.
[Third and goal from the 1 -- another Grossman incompletion]
CC: Has Rexy completed a pass yet?
MMP: Just one.
Ape: "And Kyle Orton is applying the space heater to the neckbeard on the sideline."

[And the Saints fumble away the opening kickoff.]

Ape: He's down.
CC: WTF Saints.
MMP: Another fumble, but yeah, he was down.
Ape: TERRIBLE call.
MMP: Challenge this.
MMP: Oh fuck, he is SO down.
MMP: Shut up, Troy, he was down.
MMP: Awesome, another TV timeout.
MMP: WOW, ruling stands!
Ape: Wow, just wow.
MMP: The NFL doesn't care about black people.
CC: MMP, dude, Troy Aikman was right, and you were wrong.
CC: Think about that for a while.
CC: ...Too bad the Bears will only come away with three here.

[end of first quarter: Bears 3, Saints 0]

flub: I was putting together a CD rack and trying to download AIM; I paused the game. I was about 5 minutes behind. caught up now.
MMP: nice
flub: Poor time management skills today.
MMP: We have a quorum now.
Ape: Falco has veto power.
[We discuss flubby's AIM screen name, which has the auspicious Roman numeral CDXX]
Ape: Picks for Super Bowl CDXX? I'm saying Cyborgs vs. Servant Apes.
MMP: Cyborgs -7
MMP: Take the points.
flub: Radioactive Zombies got screwed.
[More CDXX discussion]
Ape: I don't smoke that often. UM trumps me easily in that department.
CC: UM trumps the Marley family.
flub: UM > Cypress Hill

[Following the Bears FG, the Saints have a penalty, an incomplete pass, and a 1-yard run by Bush to set up third and long. ]

MMP: The Saints are pressing.
Ape: I think we have another Ravens/Colts game on our hands.
Ape: 3rd and 19? END-AROUND
CC: Hook and ladder.
MMP: Chitown again with the short field.
CC: Not short enough.
MMP: this will be 30-0, with 10 field goals
CC: Brilliant move by the Saints. They know Rex needs a LONG field to throw deep.

[Commercial break. In case you were wondering, it's still our country. After, on 2nd and 10 from midfield, Grossman chucks it deep to Clark, who hauls it in for a 30-yard gain.]
Ape: Okay, so, 9-0.
CC: "His best throw of the day" -- Aikman
CC: How about his ONLY good throw?
CC: If the Saints offense doesn't give the D a rest, the Bears'll start scoring TDs instead of FGs.
[Grossman goes back to overthrowing receivers in the red zone.]
MMP: He even overthrew the other team.
CC: He overthrew the first couple rows of fans.
CC: My recommendation to the Saints: begin scoring.
MMP: Injure Robbie Gould.

[Following a Saints punt that gives the Bears a long field, another commercial break]
MMP: 300?
CC: Fuck and yes.
MMP: Looks a little too pretty, but I will see it.
CC: Two words: Frank Miller.
MMP: Sold.
CC: It's based on his graphic novel, which is based on a true story:
Ape: I've only read his Batman stuff.
CC: 300 Spartans sent on a one-way mission to guard against something like 20,000 in the Persian armies.
MMP: Shit.
MMP: They win, I'm sure.
CC: And they held the pass for something like five days.
MMP: Fuuuuck.
CC: Highly recommended: Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire, a historical novel of the battle.
CC: Anyway, football.
MMP: Fuck, now I'm interested.

[Thomas Jones picks up a block and makes a nice cut to go for 33 yards.]
MMP: Way to bounce that fucker.
CC: I'm telling you: white linebackers.
Ape: Is it Thermopylae? I always seem to hear about that one.
MMP: Saints are still playing 7 in the box. Do they really think Rex is going to throw it?
CC: Yes, Thermopylae -- Greek for "gates of fire."
MMP: 1st and goal.
CC: Is it just me, or is this game starting to get boring and repetitive?
Ape: 12-0.
MMP: I am definitely seeing a pattern.
flub: They are running all over the Saints.
Ape: No Throwgasms, but plenty of Handoffjobs.

[Holy crap, a touchdown! Two minutes left in the half, Bears lead 16-0.]

CC: Way to not be the Colts against Ravens!
Ape: Yeah, this is much better.
CC: 2 minutes for Brees & Co, 1 timeout.
MMP: Three and out... or a pick.
flub: Fumble.
CC: I think Brees'll keep it together, though I can't say anything for the rest of the team.

[Brees drops back on 3rd and 10, and throws deep over the middle to Colston.]
MMP: And now the 3-and-out.
MMP: Or not... that was clutch.
CC: Colston finally made a play.
CC: That was a really fucking sweet catch.
flub: That catch was sick.
CC: Great blitz pickup by Bush there.
Ape: I saw that, he threw himself into that block.
CC: Wow, we just did some analysis that the booth missed.
[Terrence Copper gets out of bounds after a 14-yard pickup on 3rd and 10.]
Ape: Mmmmyeeahhh, nice catch, myah dirty Copper.
CC: Nice step-up by Brees there to avoid the rush.
[Next play: Marques Colston TD catch.]
Ape: If New Orleans actually decides to put eight in the box, they'll be fine in the second half.
CC: 8 in the box, 2 CBs, and a safety 50 yards downfield.
MMP: The throwgasm prevent.

[Following the kickoff, Grossman makes an inexplicable series of decisions, capped off by him throwing a moonshot out of bounds to stop the clock.]
Ape: Zzzuuhh?
CC: Nice throw Rexy.
MMP: What the fuck is he doing?
CC: He's a dumb, dumb animal.
MMP: He could be shaving points and no one would know it. He's that awesome.
CC: He's the Zoolander of QBs.


Note: If you want less game discussion and more commercial/movie discussion (or vice versa), let us know in the comments so we can make it better next time.


HofC said...

And this is different from Simmons using a chat as an excuse not to write a column how?

Captain Caveman said...

HOFC -- I'm guessing the difference is the five hours I spent formatting HTML, editing, and adding pictures.


Unsilent Majority said...

We're not on salary

feep said...

falco sucks at commentary.

Jordi said...

Keep it like this. Thanks for letting me know what 300 is about. Oh, and this is better than Simmons because
1) no mention of the OC or the Real World or 24 or any other b.s. show
2) no mention of your wife or kid
3) no mention of the "x player face" - a gimmick that was old 5 years ago
4) no mention of your buddy Hench
5) no mention of how great things are in Boston
However, if this ends up in the KSK book about the 06-07 NFL season, I take that all back.
Keep on keepin' on.

Quarterly Prophet said...

Your conversation should focus more about how fucking awesome Gates of Fire is.

Happy Fun Miles said...

That was brilliant. I am craving most copious amounts of all of the above.

HofC said...

I was just kidding but I think I hit a nerve....

Also, one of the differences is that I actually read this unlike Simmon's chats...

peter king crowned my ass said...

That MMP is a crazy cracker.

lieutenant winslow said...


when do we get to see the KSK shower cam?

Captain Caveman said...

Yeah, sorry. Soft spot. These chats are fun in real time, but a pain in the ass to bring to fruition in terms of a post.

And I agree with Quarterly Prophet, we should have spent more time discussing Thermopylae.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'll never look at Terrance Copper the same way again.

peter king crowned my ass said...

Is there an AFC chat?

Unsilent Majority said...

gyh- that's enough

BoSox Siobhan said...

"...KSK shower cam."
Every night in my dreams, boys.

OkieRover said...

Sounds like a fun day on IM.

Landru said...

I think you're perfectly balanced. I mean, except when you're not.

highonLowe said...

I'm still trying to figure out what CDXX is in real numbers. Now I know why the pope is so bad at math

4giantsfans said...

Is any of the KSK gay mafia going to be in Miami? We slackers would love to see a live blog from SB XLI. Since you won the best sports bloggie and all, you should have at least 1 ticket or a press pass.

But the question is, who would go? Fair is fair. Let's get a KSK fight club and the last man standing goes.

Hey even if you don't have a ticket, imagine being there in person and getting to see several Bengals getting arrested in person. But you might want to stay out of Sexy Rexy's way as you don't want any cum slung at you (unless you are into that sort of thing)

MDG said...

Keep the posts as is. I think it's working.

Is the Throwgasm prevent simply called Condom?

I picture Fujita calling out CONDOM!CONDOM! at the line before every play. Which totally would throw Rexy off his game. Rexy hates the Condom.

Bulger in My Pants said...

I like them as is, but perhaps next time you guys could discuss why that goddamn elephant is always with that annoying little girl in all of the DLP commercials.

warmsox said...

Persian Army was at least 100,000 strong (they claimed it was an army of a million)

But yeah, that movie is going to rock so fucking hard it gives me a boner.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I have exclusive access to the 300 screenplay. And it is riveting. Here's the full text:




Shelley said...

me likes it juussst like that!!

josh said...

the Sex Cannon prevent defense is Vasectomy.

3000 said...

Way, way off topic, but the first time I saw the '300' trailer, I immediately thought of 'God of War' (PS2)...

Koos said...

The 300 comics/graphic novel is amazing. Even the Mrs., who tends to eschew these types of films, is looking forward to the movie after I made her read Miller's work. And the post-production work is pretty nifty, too. Much like Sin City, it looks pretty much like they used the comic to story board the movie, and then used the artwork to greatly influence the aesthetic of the film.

{ k }

TheBigO said...

Ah, 300, another hollywood movie horribly miscast. Like in Alexander, the king of macedonia was played by a half-pint Irishman, in 300 we see the part of Spartan warrior #1 played by a friggin scotsman. Has anyone in the casting business ever taken geography?

SatanSmiling said...

Wow, I can't believe I just sat through someone else's IM conversation. I feel like such a loser. It wasn't even that funny. I bet I'd have funnier conversations with my friends...if I had any.

Becky said...

Can I please get some commentary on the freaky ass re-animated Orville Redenbacher ads? That shit creeps me right out, and for some reason, I feel I would enjoy your insights on this.

Walklett said...

How many of John Cougar's stupid songs contain the word "america" in them?

TheBigO said...

"John Cougar's stupid songs"

He has other kinds??

Bulger in My Pants said...

Can I please get some commentary on the freaky ass re-animated Orville Redenbacher ads? That shit creeps me right out, and for some reason, I feel I would enjoy your insights on this.

OH. MY. GOD. Have you seen that monstrosity in HD? NIGHTMARES. That and the Kenmore commercial with all the clowns coming out of the dryer are enough to make me not want to turn on my television ever again.

Becky said...

Bulger, your comment and screen name make me happy.

TheBigO said...

I didn't realize that John Mellencamp was Native American, he must be singin a song titled 'This is our country'.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Aw, thanks Becky. I do what I can to make the world a better place.

Uncle JR said...

If my memory servs, CDXX = 420