Monday, January 15, 2007

I Watch More Film Than Anyone


Pro football is a tough business. If you want to achieve success in this league, take it from Ronnie Jaws, it's all about getting an edge. That means long hours in the film room, studying tendencies on your opponent. I am a champion at film study here in Bristol, because I watch more film than all of you cocksuckers combined.

Before the Bears even left the field from their game last weekend, I was in the film room, breaking down tape of their defense, learning their tendencies. The focus is on Brian Urlacher, the anchor on that Cover-Two defense. He brings strength and awesome agility to that middle linebacker position. Expect him to clog the middle of the field and disrupt the passing game, and to clog about 7 or 8 blondes on his way to the parking lot after. He brings a veteran presence to the vagina. That's what the videotape tells me.

Tony Romo will soon be starting a long offseason and he'll work to build on his Pro Bowl effort. He will need that time, because come next fall, I will have watched so much tape on Manos des Manteca that I will OWN his ass. This summer, I will be dissecting his weaknesses like a gaddamn amphibian in a high school lab. He'll be the immagrant stock boy in the Ronnie Jaws Wal-Mart of life. That's how I get THE EDGE, you little faggots. Teams will be sending more pressure and disguising their coverages to leave his pensamientos in utter ruin. Holy shit, somebody call Maintenance and get this ass groove in the couch here bronzed. This film room is my fucking domain.

I asked our own Shelley Smith out for drinks tomorrow night. She'll be flying in from San Diego and I'll pick her up around 8. Scouts like her large frame and blocking ability, but her foot speed and field awareness make her weak against the pass. I've been studying NanniCam footage of Smith for two weeks, and I will blow away her usual night of (a) Healthy Choice pizza bread and (b) masturbating to her TiVo backlog of Gray's Anatomy and Ace of Cakes. Look for Ronnie Jaws to rush from all angles and fill those gaps, and hopefully Shelley will utilize ball control and make a few plays. On my cock. My incredible film study will compensate for my modest girth, and I will be unstoppable.

The Colts have to wonder...hang on, I'm getting a Picture Mail from Sean Salisbury. This should only take a minute...

14 comments:

Wickedmick said...

I wonder if Urlacher and Rextasy double team chicks, while Kyle Orton sits in the corner masterbating.....

the dude said...

Ronald Jaws, master of the filmgasm.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Does he have a blueprint to the clitoris?

Unsilent Majority said...

Shelly's a man baby

WeJamEcono said...

With Shelby, you should be able to do your own Smoot if you had that finishing speed and quick release Jaws.

Ross said...

Rextasy does not double team with anyone! Teamwork is a sign of weakness. Rextasy will fuck solo, whether it be with one Rachel Nichols or the entire state of Illinois.

(Although Kyle Orton still sits in the corner masturbating)

Grimey said...

That can't be Jaworski. He didn't mention the Philadelphia Eagles once.

Or make any painfully obvious fantasy suggestions. "This week, you should definitely start... LaDAINIAN TOMLINSON."

Signal to Noise said...

The nanosecond thought of Jaws and Shelley Smith caused immediate shrinkage. Well done, Punter.

suss: yes, plus he's drawn up a quick slant to the G-spot.

Comfirmation: mwfapt. Note the "fap" in there...

doug_plank said...

Smelly Shith pounds the terra.

Especially when she rumbles toward the media buffet line.

Madden likes to be around her because when he farts people don't blame him.

flubby said...

Or make any painfully obvious fantasy suggestions.

I'm still bitter about the week he said to sit Lee Evans because the wind in Buffalo would derail the pass game. Long story short, I bench Evans who scores 2 TDs, then I narrowly lose. Thanks, Jaws.

Clint said...

I'm dissecting film of Shelly Smith on my cock. lol

maven said...

I hate Jaws. Ever notice how his speech has a cadence to it, over and over? How he ends every goddamn statement with the same tone? And, um, what's with the women's glasses?

Ian C. said...

Hey, what's wrong with masturbating to Grey's Anatomy or Ace of Cakes?

WeJamEcono said...

http://ec2.images-amazon.com/images/P/B000G639TC.01-A11CNA65JLHGVP._AA280_SCLZZZZZZZ_V66444696_.jpg