I Watch More Film Than Anyone

Pro football is a tough business. If you want to achieve success in this league, take it from Ronnie Jaws, it's all about getting an edge. That means long hours in the film room, studying tendencies on your opponent. I am a champion at film study here in Bristol, because I watch more film than all of you cocksuckers combined.

Before the Bears even left the field from their game last weekend, I was in the film room, breaking down tape of their defense, learning their tendencies. The focus is on Brian Urlacher, the anchor on that Cover-Two defense. He brings strength and awesome agility to that middle linebacker position. Expect him to clog the middle of the field and disrupt the passing game, and to clog about 7 or 8 blondes on his way to the parking lot after. He brings a veteran presence to the vagina. That's what the videotape tells me.

Tony Romo will soon be starting a long offseason and he'll work to build on his Pro Bowl effort. He will need that time, because come next fall, I will have watched so much tape on Manos des Manteca that I will OWN his ass. This summer, I will be dissecting his weaknesses like a gaddamn amphibian in a high school lab. He'll be the immagrant stock boy in the Ronnie Jaws Wal-Mart of life. That's how I get THE EDGE, you little faggots. Teams will be sending more pressure and disguising their coverages to leave his pensamientos in utter ruin. Holy shit, somebody call Maintenance and get this ass groove in the couch here bronzed. This film room is my fucking domain.

I asked our own Shelley Smith out for drinks tomorrow night. She'll be flying in from San Diego and I'll pick her up around 8. Scouts like her large frame and blocking ability, but her foot speed and field awareness make her weak against the pass. I've been studying NanniCam footage of Smith for two weeks, and I will blow away her usual night of (a) Healthy Choice pizza bread and (b) masturbating to her TiVo backlog of Gray's Anatomy and Ace of Cakes. Look for Ronnie Jaws to rush from all angles and fill those gaps, and hopefully Shelley will utilize ball control and make a few plays. On my cock. My incredible film study will compensate for my modest girth, and I will be unstoppable.

The Colts have to wonder...hang on, I'm getting a Picture Mail from Sean Salisbury. This should only take a minute...