Monday, January 8, 2007

I got something better than school but don't tell anybody

After tonight's game there are going to be a few more college dropouts gettin' paid.

Tonight we're given a brief respite from the professional fucktards like Tony Romo and Eli Manning. As much as I love the NFL playoffs I need the break. There's only so much verbal fellating I can listen to over the course of a week and after watching the likes of the Fetus and the Dreamboat I'm ready for a break. But that's just one of the many reasons I'm so excited to watch 22 Sociology/Communications majors take the field in tonight's BCS National Championship.

Aside from this I must admit I'm a lifelong Florida fan and nothing would make me happier than watching the Gators kick the shit out of the Buckeyes. Which brings us to another reason for me to watch, I fucking hate Ohio State. I hate Jim Tressel with his dirty connections in Youngstown (*cough*Mob*cough*) right down to his All American payroll.

But those are just the reasons I have for watching tonight; the real reason NFL fans give a shit is because both of these schools produce draft day talent on a yearly basis. So if you're one of those NFL only football fans who will be tuning into his or her first serious college action of the season are going to need a handy guide. So here it is, all of the exciting play-makers that you might as well get familiar with now. That way you can head out to the bar and impress all of the ladies with your knowledge just as the game starts. Drop these nuggets and you're sure to be on the receiving end of some bathroom knowledge at halftime.

The Ohio State Buckeyes
QB Troy Smith (S)- He won the Heisman and he plays quarterback at Ohio State so he probably shouldn't count on a very long NFL career. His childhood sucked and he's boys with Ted Ginn, one of them will probably end up in the other's entourage.

DT Quinn Pitcock (S)- Yeah, he's got a name that would lend itself pretty well to Drew's erotic "fiction" but he's a badass. Then again he also wears some fruity headband to keep his hair in place. Bitch? Badass? It's a tossup.

WR Anthony Gonzales (J)- May or may not be the great nephew of Speedy Gonzales. Seriously, I haven't seen a Mexican run like that since I was in Nogales, Arizona. You're going to get us in trouble again.

WR Ted Ginn (J)- He's fast as a motherfucker and he's got great hands, but he doesn't run routes very well and doesn't get open nearly as much as he should. Regardless a good game tonight would make it likely he'd follow his BFF into the draft.

RB Antonio Pittman (J)- He's a dynamic, productive, yet underrated running back; at OSU that's pretty fucking rare. I have a feeling he's going to the draft, mostly because he'd lose half of his job next year (and that means the boosters give him half the money!).

LB James Lauranitis (So)- I don't care how fucking "great" he may be at playing "football"... his father is Animal from LEGION OF DOOM!!! I'm willing to bet that he had the coolest childhood ever... and that he's on steroids.

RB Chris Wells (F)- Maurice Clarett Jr. looks just like his predecessor as promised, however he doesn't dream of playing linebacker and he probably doesn't even own a hatchet. Pussy.

The Florida Gators

QB Chris Leak (S)- He doesn't get nearly enough credit for his career, plus the poor bastard had to live through the Ron Zook era. Combine that with his willingness to welcome a freshmen quarterback into the fold and he rates somewhere in between Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela (but Mother Theresa was a total bulldyke)

DT Marcus Thomas (S) - The most dominant defensive tackle in the country, a title that was even more difficult to attain considering how high he was. My boy got booted off the team halfway through the year for imbibing indulging in one of my personal favorite hobbies. Oh well, he's still a top twenty pick like Warren Sapp.

WR Dallas Baker (S)- They call him the Touchdown Maker. He's going to score at least one of them but they'll mention the nickname roughly fifteen times so get ready for that! They say he's too slow to play in the NFL, but that just makes Matt Millen want him more!

RB DeShawn Wynn (S)- He's a solid back but he's used to keep the rythym for the whacked out offense... like Rick Allen with two arms.

K Chris Hetland (S)- Just kidding, he's about as useful as a textbook at FSU.

S Reggie Nelson (J)- He's going to come out in the draft this year and he's going to be the best player available no matter what the helmet-headed fucktard tells you. He's going to redefine the word "meast" as we know it. Since he last played his beloved mother succumbed to cancer, of course his coaches told him Ted Ginn killed her.

WR Andre Caldwell (J)- They're either going to call him Andre or Bubba, it's a game time decision. Yes, he's Reche's brother and yes, Reche is watching the game at his house with the three other Gator receivers on the Pats roster (Bill Belichick, stealing Steve Spurrier's ideas for years).

ILB Brandon Siler (J)- He's an animal inside and he's probably going pro just like every other linebacker Florida's ever had.

DE Jarvis Moss (J)- He doesn't get the same love as some of the other ends in the country but he makes huge plays. Look for him all over the field tonight.

ATH Percy Harvin (F)- He plays wide receiver but he runs the ball as often as he catches it. If he gets into the open field it's already too late. If I were creating the perfect child his little swimmers would be near the top of the list.

QB Tim Tebow (F)- He makes Jesus look like Evil-Jesus.


mrmom61 said...

god i need some knowledge.

Signal to Noise said...

Nice summary of a bunch of folks who are gonna get paid big-large next year (mostly).

OSU by less than a touch (sorry UM).

Unsilent Majority said...

this is going to make for an exciting halftime wager

doug_plank said...

Did any one notice the not-so subtle drop in by the game announcer that Florida's offense will be like "the Illusionists".

Which by the way is the name of the Fox movie "The Illusionists" availabe tomorrow on DVD.

Can't believe they are tainting college football.

I almost vomitted up my Tostito's.

Otto Man said...

helmet-headed fucktard

Well, I prefer to refer to Mel Kiper Jr. as "Butch Patrick Sr." but that one will work as well.

Eric Stratton said...

A lifelong Florida fan, UM?

The Ol' Ball Coach's time with the Skins must have been extra special for you.

Signal to Noise said...

The Downtown Athletic Club would like its trophy back, Mr. Smith.

fallex said...

All the receivers in this game beat off to pictures of Calvin Johnson.

chutta said...

As "imbibing" means to drink, I assume that your boy Marcus Thomas was booted off the team for your personal favorite hobby of felching.

highonLowe said...

Let me know when Tebow throws a pass after reading a defense, until then he's a fullback that can lateral

Unsilent Majority said...

He broke almost every Florida high school passing record last year...he can throw the ball plenty.