Thursday, January 4, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Eagles vs. Giants


It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the playoff matchups. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Eagles-Giants game:

"The way to defend Jeff Garcia is to blitz him hard, then lay off, then blitz him hard again, then lay off, then blitz him really hard again, then lay off, then release all your men and flood the pocket. By then, he should be exhausted... Tiki Barber was brilliant versus the Redskins, but that was because the game was on NFL Network. If people had been actually watching, that asshole would have sprinted for the nearest teleprompter. What a douche... Eli Manning just doesn't look comfortable out there. I heard him walking off the field two weeks ago muttering something about working on his serve... Plaxico Burress is full to the brim with pussy juice...

Dude, have seen the cock on Darwin Walker? Good fucking Lord. You could hang Saddam Hussein with that thing and have enough left over to dock a battleship... LJ Smith is black, but I think there's a lot of white diluting that blood. He's lighter than Debbie Allen. I bet he dug Taylor Hicks' Orange Bowl halftime show... I'd totally bang AJ Feeley's wife. She's the one that plays soccer, right? Some of those chicks are dogs like Brandi Chastain, but she's definitely worth a dedication jerk... I've studied tapes of Michael Strahan's ex-wife's sister. Total whore...

We usually taunt Chris Snee by telling him that he's the only Giant that will have to deal with Coughlin for fucking life. You should see how pissy it makes him... I think Dhani Jones painted his toenails once. I'm sorry, but that's fucking gay... If you make fun of Bill Simmons enough, he gets all paranoid and bitchy. Is that slanderous enough for you, Mr. Cellophane Skin?... You know who makes a great cassoulet? Will Demps... If you send a Chinese hooker to Sheldon Brown's suite 16 hours prior to game time, he'll usually shoot his load both literally and figuratively.

Oh, and I like the Eagles by two touchdowns."

Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Salisbury.

10 comments:

4giantsfans said...

Good God Drew!! What was in your breakfast?

The Last Unitard said...

In-depth-analysis-O's

Chris said...

protein shake

Unsilent Majority said...

that guest analyst woke up pissing excellence this morning.

8hrdrive said...

with all that info, he must be an insider. way beyond adam shefter

Suss & The Family Stone said...

If Tiki does in fact provide some commentary once he's out of the playoffs, will they bring in Brandon Jacobs for the important questions?

Chamomiles Davis said...

sussman,

Might as well. That douchefucker Tom Coughlin ruined my fantasy season by plugging in Jacobs on all of those end-zone rushing plays.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Note: Darwin Walker's cousin is a personal trainer at a gym in Brooklyn.

If I know one thing in this world, it's this: if you're a 150 lb. white guy with no muscle definition to speak of, spending an hour-long personal training session with the cousin and training partner of a 300 lb. NFL starting defensive tackle is a very, very, very bad idea.

The Last Unitard said...

Why? Did you try to put the moves on him and he wasn't down?

He probably could have redirected you to Jeff Garcia's cousin.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Isn't jeff Garcia's cousin the straight one in that family?